Personal Journal

Cannonball · May 5, 2015

Not sure if this will help. Not like these thoughts/memories will decrease in volume or intensity. Nor will it change my physical distress. Heh... Guess I am just broken.

Twas a year ago that I first entered that nursing home. Not even in my 40's and stuck there. First arrived with just the clothes on my back, a transfer board, my wheelchair, and a 10 lb weight. Folks there for the most part were nice enough, if not older than dirt. Most relaying what brought them to the point of giving up on the world in general or what was on TV that day. Only a few stood out, think it was due to them being within 20 years of my own age.

Georgia, who was damaged due to a bullet to the head that left her somewhat retarded and unable to walk. All that aside her heart was larger than almost all I ever met and so sensitive that if she thought I raised my voice to her she would break down in tears. Still, she had no qualms about kicking like a mule if she was angered by someone. Rember that damn cold night sitting out front while they loaded her up and carted her off to that facility where they took violent patients. She looked so weak and vulnerable. That hospital bed being loaded into the back of that van. Had to restrain myself from wheeling over to them and demanding they put her back where she belonged... Instead I shed a few salt laiden tears and contined on.

Cochren was another. God what a fella! Always sitting out there day/night, warm/cold in that smoking area. Gave away more cigs than he smoked. Always taking the quips and comments with a laugh and snarky comment. ~Chuckles~ Maybe that was why he was a kindred soul? We were both smart asses that enjoyed picking on one another. Only twice did I ever get into an argument with him. Once over him allowing folks to take advantage of his kindness, and the other over his statement that we that were confined to wheelchairs were less capable than those damned two leggers. Even then my heart wasn't in it, just my pride and concern for one that I knew was a friend. He was the type that when his rolling machine was stolen did not even become remotely angry. Instead was saddened that someone would steal away a device he used to help so many. After all that the flashback of seeing him sitting against that wall, eyes closed while folks there tried to ignore him. Just gotten back from the hospital with that god awful cough. Coming up to him and tapping his foot with my hand, noting his breathing was shallow as if he were dozing, tryng to wake him with no success. Yelling for someone to help and the staff just ignoring me.. Finally grbbing the first one I could intercept and FORCING him to go check out my friend. The paramedics later on saying he had chosen the DNR on his medical files, so they did little more than lay him out until he passed. Would not even bother taking him to the hospital. Instead they moved his thin frame to an empty room and set it up so that his family could decide what to do with the now souless body. Least I got to say goodbye while they waited for those sparse relations to show up.

There were others of course. Too many to count. In the year that I spent there I think I witnessed or knew of at least 17 people passing. Some were close, others were not. OF course they paled at times to me when it came to my own pity and circumstances. Always did I pride myself on emotional distance. Who would have thought that I was merely months away from buying wedding rings for myself and Vanessa?

Vanessa, my blonde Godzilla. Remember when I first got there that she was hung up on that twit Jr. So haughty was he that when they broke up on a weekly basis he would slip off and begin making out with that N.A. Bertha. Didn't care all that much, I had Alicia to contend with. Only 10 years my senior and cute as hell. All that and being bat shit crazy to boot?! Aye. Ali was fun.. Least till she and I parted ways and she went off the deep end. Refusing her meds, not sleeping, talking to herself.. Worse still was the laughing for no reason to the point of wetting herself? Took them 2 montths to figure she needed a wee bit more than a firendly chat. Carted her off for more 'intense therapy', the kind where police arrived and put her in the back of one of their cars to ensure everyones safty.

She came back to find myself and Nessa 'dating' as it were. Worse still was the fact of Nessa's insane jealousy. Not being out there in the smoking area, I had no idea that Nessa had physically knocked over the chair Ali was sitting in and began kicking her in the gut over some imaginary slight. Well, no idea until it was told to me later by one of the gossip squad.

Knew she had issues with jealousy. Always trying to break up with me for being friendly with the staff or helping another resident. But she or I would later talk it out and prove it was a misunderstanding. Also I must admit to myself I knew of her cold streak. Like that time she took that injured bird into my room and hid it. Made me make a splint for its broken wing, only to snap its neck literally 3 days later when it was not healing fast enough for her tastes. In a lesser way it showed when she took my cellphone and decided to do a romp and stomp on it when she thought I was texting someone for a date. As if I was interested in going out, more still to the point wy would I do something that stupid with her sitting mere inches away? Haha! When I told dear mother that she smashed my phone when we were discussing what day might be good for a visit!?! 'Get rid of that crazy bitch dude!'

How do I explain away keeping her in my life? Everyone thought she was bad news for me. They were right of course thoughlike all that are in abusive relationships, I kept making excuses for her. Remembering how she sweet talked a staff member into letting her on the PA system to sing me happy birthday all Monroe style or how she laid with me all those nights when she was not allowed to be in my bed by that self same staff. I felt as though I needed her. Even now, with what she finally did to me, I feel that way to some extent. Losing her just added to my own lacking sense of self worth. My body is broken, as is what I consider my heart, and though I know one of those two will mend.. I know not how or when.

Now off to do those damned dishes. Know my room mate will hardly 'feel' like it. LEast with the heat in here I can be certain they will dry without my help. Yay for semi lazy ideas!

Cannonball · May 5, 2015

Damned if PT didn't pull about every muscle in my back per usual. Think after these past months I would get used to it, but nope! However, it was far more enjoyable than the private session and group session with that twitty lil shrink.

He loves to swear by the group. Just like any other supporting gaggle, it's about what happened to them and how they cope. I get it. Truly do. But out of all of them, only I have lost two limbs. Every single one of them can wear prothestics.. I can't. Yet somehow I am the most physically active? Hell, not a one of them even goes TO PT anymore.

Yet the shrink told me before to drop my defenses. Not be so hostile and demeaning. Stop hiding behind degrees and I.Q to let myself be vulnerable. What he doesn't get, what he wont let sink in is that I have worked out that persona in order to be treated like everyone else. I abhore it when I go out and folks offer me money or help just because they see what they wish to see. Those about me on a regular basis know better. They push me to do more by forgetting I am how I am visibly and expect me to do as they do. Brings me no greater joy than when they exclaim 'Sorry, forgot you can't do *blank*.' Or when they overlook my condition in order to talk to me about their problems.

Mind you that has its drawbacks. Roomie and his crack habit for starters. Told me that as of the 22nd Duke Power wants to shut our electricity off due to his own failure to pay. And why is that? $20 dollar rocks x 5 a day might be a small hint. Better yet the amount due. $960 total. All because he didn't pay for 3 months and instead used his check to buy that accursed crap. Stars and stones, that's more than my Norcos and Lyrica combined!

Today was his birthday. So he treated himself to 2 of those things. That and his lack of bipolar meds set him off on a rampage.. One in which I had to disuade him from taking outdoors. Heh.. If he let it be known that someone in my state knocked the everliving shit out of his 7 foot self? Well.. More folks would take their turns at him to be sure. To be fair, with his retardation as it is? His mind is Peter Pan like at oh say 16 years old instead of the 41 he is now. That and I have no qualms about fighting dirty.

So now he needs to give me $150 at bare min. out of his next couple of mini checks and the remainder out of his state check. That or I get a new place on my own at the begining of next month. He knows I am used to being alone, even in a crowd. Moving out even further to the sticks does not present me with all that many new challenges.

Cannonball · May 6, 2015

Oh joy. Tis almost time to go out for the weekly salvage hunt. Wonder which hood roomie will want to take me into and drop off this time? Isn't all that bad really. Sure it's as hot as Hades pit sweat out there, but I can get plenty of excercise scrounging about up and down those many streets looking for cast off metal. Got to say that using me for scouting does make a degree of sense. Not many tend to yell at the disabled for lurking about their dead end streets. If they do I just say I was out for a bit of a stretch and my arms got tired. Heh. More than once since I started doing this did a poor soul come out and offer me a drink or a snack while I sat there texting him which streets had the best of brass and copper.

Better still if I had remembered to take my Lyrica earlier rather than just minutes ago. Does its job to be sure, but takes a couple of hours before it kills off the tightness in my stubs. Works wonders for my phantom pains. ~Laughs!~ I remember when my old bone cutting quack told me all my pains where phantom. Grabbed him by that smock top and dragged him face to face with me before asking him.. 'If I bopped you square in the snoot, would the pain you feel the next day be real or imagined?' As if! It wasn't my non-existant big toe or ankle that bothered me. Twas an area he cut down not once or twice but six to seven times that hurt! Bill Engvall joked on stupid questions, and that fellow could have been the focus of his entire routine in those very moments!

Got a few minutes left since Bigfoot went over to his mothers to get his laundry. 41 and still at her beckon call. I swear.. Have not seen my adoptive mother in what, almost 2 years? Such a caring soul. Called her when I lost the first leg and after I explained what happened she gave me her usual amount of anti sympathy before telling her latest find from QVC. Absolutely amazing that I have yet to begin butchering people at random.. Though today is yet young.

Seriously. She has lost alot in her life and I find some small part does pity her. Very small indeed. Cancer took her husband, though he was #4 or something like that, her sister took her life with the very type of pain pills hospice keeps trying to push off on me, her mother is in a nursing home, losing what memory she has of each of us, etc. Then her 'son' losing his legs, eyesight for the most part, teeth, and sometimes mind. Aye. Tis enough to make her want to escape reality I think.

Really ought to get out and have a wee bit of fun. But not all that much to do even if I did. Already watched the new Avengers movie last night on Putlocker. Not all that bad if not a bit odd. There is always the free concerts at the park on the weekend but two factors deter me. Odd to be seen in the park by oneself at an event like that. More to the point that nearly a year ago to this weekend was my first date with Nessa. Went to see that cover band for the Eagles/Skynard. Think that was the first date I ever went on where I did not even consider at first kissing the lass I was with. Went for the music and to get out of that death bin of a nursing home. Twas also the first time I let folks see i was not as chair bound as they thought. Jumped right out of my seat and onto that blanket with her sitting back to back while the guitars strummed out Take it to the Limit. ROFL! Now that I consider that night.. Most I did was pull her close to me and cup her head to my shoulder on the cab ride back. Mostly to shield her from those two leering drunks the cabbie picked up. That oat like stench wafting back to us in the backseat. Though truth be told it also felt right to have that extra body heat mingling with mine. Never told her that of course. Got to be a man and all machoistic.

Maybe I should go up to the mall and stare at those that stare at me? Always amusing to stare folks down so blatantly, also it has been forever since I went to a new instead of used book store. Bah! More than ot, probally just sit about letting my hair grow. Either that or actually use this site for what it was intended for. Time enough to ponder that later. Sounds like Bigfoot is pulling up. Get to handwalk my happy ass to the door and mke sure he has no rock to smoke. 2 to 1 odds is he does and expects me to be typing away rather than see him try to sneak it in. We will see about that!

Cannonball · May 6, 2015

Whew! One way to get rid of some pent up energy. Plus side found both an old washing maching and a stove both at the sides of the street.. Negative? Found them both and had to help load them into the truck. Ended up with me on the ground and using my chair as a sort of dolly to make sure both got in there and fit. One point Bigfoot used it as a stepping stool while I held it steady! At this rate my arms will look like those of Popeye, just need the corn-cob pipe and a sailors hat in order to complete the costume.

Did see Laura out there on her porch over on Bleckwelder Ave. She came over and tried to speak to me. Wanted my number so we could text... When I declined she used her little gizmo and held it p to that bandage over her throat. I think she just wants to be friends.. Least I hope so. Losing her voice box as she did and me as I am? Lord that would be a disaster waiting to happen. Lucky for me Bigfoot needed to skedaddle so she hardly had the chance to speak any further. Knit wit decided to give me a hard time whenever I got back in the truck. Keeps it up and I will hide his pills. His case of fibermiolgia <sp?> is bad enough that it will him up all night!

Saw a couple of plces for rent. Most of which I will disgard mentally as a choice due to their narrow porches or many stairs. Most though are for sale. Funny how those houses nearest the research park are selling out. Shows just how bad it was to close the mill and put up that monstrosity. I loved that mill. Sure it was hard work, but even the lowliest of jobs paid a minimum of $8 an hour, and that being back in the 80's- early 90's? Damn good pay and guarantees of 40+ hours each week.. Sweet!

Tomorrow I delve into the ESC to try and help Bigfoot find another job. Newtons rips him off hour wise and he worked what? 20 years for them at least? With his reading level being that of a 6th grader at best.. Looks like I will also be filling out applications too. Better than having his aunt threaten him with the loss of his truck due to nonpayments. ~Le Sigh~ Think its time to just sit back and look through the request forum and see what catches my eye this eve. That or listen to some music Tube style.

Cannonball · May 7, 2015

Tad bit on the hot side today. Tis supposed to reach 90 or so in the upcomming weekend. Luckily with Bigfoot going out Sat. I do hope it will make for at least a peaceful if not sweat free day.

Not sure if he intends to go out with Crystaal or Cathy but each has its drawbacks. Cathy is a thief and pill popping tart. Just last week she came over with her sister unannounced and tried to sway me into opening the door so they could come in. The guise of it all came in loud/clear when she made it a point in saying she wanted her sister to meet me. ~Snorts!~ In other words she wanted her sis to keep me busy while she attempted to locate and pilfer a few pills here and there. Told them I do not have the key to the door and made them wait until he popped back in.

Crystal is an honest sort. Young as a drop of rain.. But has some severe issues with her temper, religious fervor, and family. Lets her 19 year old sister dictate the house and even allows her to slap her own mother if she feels like it. The mother should grow up herself.. Always Depending on Crys to get all the work done while she sits on her ever inflating hind end and watching TV. And this church issue of theirs? Tis sad to hear when Bigfoot says she turned down his date request merely because he did not go to the exact same church as she!

Of course this view is also jaded by the instance she and I had together. He had truly pissed me off and I used the words goddamn it all to hell. She shrieked at me that I WOULD NOT use that sort of talk in her presence. Set her straight right quick on that. In the real world folks say things you will not like. Get over it.

Roomie can go out all he likes with either though. It matters little. So long as it is a free date since his income needs to be focused on getting himself out of the hole. I could sit with him and go over each and every bad instance that will befall him if he does not get himself straight. Electricity paid by the 22nd or power goes bye-bye. Fine paid by the 23rd or he goes bye-bye. Truck payment made or it goes bye-bye... I think he is under the false assumption that I will bail him out of trouble time and again. I got his back, I do.. But not if he is determined to make things worse time and again for himself. Tried to talk him out of getting that credit card. At 22% he was screwing himself. Didn't listen, and worse still, the day he got it he went out and cashed out $75 dollars on it, and for what? A few rocks of crack. Didn't even try to get gas in the truck or buy food. That month alone I slapped out $200 on his vehicle alone. Not to mention my part of rent and utilities. Hell.. For $200 I could have taken cabs to get everywhere I needed and gone out to eat a few times plus hired a damn happy hooker to boot!

Speaking of. Tis almost time I did call that cab. Got PT again today a bit later on and though I still ache from yesterday the show must go on. Maybe I will act more the proper fellow this day.. Could just do the work and bite down the snarky comments? Could also lick a light socket. One is as likely to happen as the other.

Cannonball · May 7, 2015

Each day I think I can't possibly hurt more than the day before. Oy vey how wrong I am! Spent well over two hours today on the bars.. Quite a feat for someone with no feet! Don't know what got into me either. One minute doing the reps for pull ups, next thing I know I am putting my hands to reverse grips and trying my damndest to make a complete rotation. Found I could so I did it again! Went from weight lifting when I had legs to trying to become a freakin jungle gym monkey now that I can't.

Think the hardest part of all this isn't the fact that I can't stand upright. It's trying to keep the gut from growing by leaps and bounds. That and my noggin is still as broken as a chipped egg. Always gave the advice that time does a reasonable job of clearing up wounds and all that blarney. So why the hell can't I get the blonde godzilla outta my head?

Found myself a very nice young lass to start a rp up with, and instead of diving into the plot, my head is half up my ass to my belly thinking of her. Almost went as far as to slip that damned ring on just to see if it would offer me some comfort. Stopped myself, but barely. Guess it could have been worse. We did end things.. Or at least she did. Didn't help she had to all but put the dagger between my blades to do it. Using her sons cancer not only to excuse herself from her commitments but also to hide behind it as a ways to justify her cruelty? She left me without a place to lay my bed as well as a body to lay with. Turning most anything I told her from my heart against me and having the audacity to say 'I have made my peace with God over what I have done?'

Alright old man, get over yourself. Past may define the present but it doesn't mean its your only future. Might not be viable for human companionship right now but hell, there is always later.. Sides.. She can lie to herself and be crazy.. But one day she will think of me and see. I was honest, caring, kept to my word, and yes.. That included being a good man (for once). I might be tempted to slip back to old ways but it does not mean I HAVE to. Right?

Cannonball · May 8, 2015

Seems my posture is getting a bit warped. I must be hunching more than Quasimodo for my spine to feel as it does. That and I like to lean into it in the chair when I go down hills. LOL!

Got a call last night that has me curious as all get up. Let it go to voicemail though it was Hippie Chick herself. Always called her that since the day I met her inside the old folks home. Wasn't the best 1st impression for either of us to be sure. I snuck out the front door for a quick smoke, hiding on the porch so staff would not chew me out for being in a non smoking area.. Already in a foul mood due to Nessie.. That was one of the first nights she and I argued over me going out so much to smoke, but hell it was only a quick drag or three on a cig then back in I normally came. Twas one time though I was particulary glad she didn't joiin me. Cyn came out and though high as a kite on skunk weed decided to tell me her life story.

Got hit by a moving vehicle or some such and busted up her hip and legs. Had to learn how to walk again so tried to emote to me that she knew how I felt being in that chair. Twas all I could do not to tell this long haired, Greatful Dead shirt wearing, thin as hell person that she had no clue as to how it felt to be me.

She at that time hung around with Woody. Another druggie that used men like a tissue. Liked to play multiple guys at the same time for their cash or goods. Think the rumor was she gave %10 blow jobs. When she found I had money thanks to my cig sales she tried to cozy up to me. Offered me a quickie or two when word got out that I was as they liked to call me an 'Irish tea pot'.Twas my own fault really. Should have threw a towel over my lap when in the shower room. Perv staff just loved to walk in there regardless of state of dress and all. That plus Nessie bragged about size when out there smoking and me not present I bet.

So who could blame me for being wary of this youngish lady out there trying to chat me up? Bluntly ignored her for the most point that night, and also as often as possible from that day on. Of course when forced to live in such a tight community setting that didn't last. She dated Danny, then Nikki, and a couple of others, all the time asking both Nessie and myself little things such as the best places to make out or screw like bunnies while avoiding the watchful eye of the staff.

Maybe that was why Nessie became jealous of her. That and being nuts! By that time I had been with her what, 5 months? Not once had I done more than joking flirt with some of the staff. To me it was just humor. That and show that I did think highly of them when they helped me out with this or that. Bah! Enough of that. I did nothing wrong. Even during the last months when Cyn had gotten together with Randy, I did nothing more than be friendly to a customer. Stars and stones did she buy quite a few packs from me, not to mention when she got high I could sell her munchies galore! In a place where you only received 60 bucks a month? Meant going out to eat at Little Ceasers more often!

But that leads me to wonder why she called. Listened to the voicemail and I think she said she finally got her own place. If so that leads me to question did she get Randy to move out with her? Also what does she want with me? To tell me of her good fortune, buy something off me, get some sort of house warming gift, or just see if she can mooch off me now that she is free? Guess I can text her and find out... Doubt it will be anything other than the first.. Though between you and me, she is a welcome diversion.

Cannonball · May 8, 2015

Ya know, I would LOVE a little less drama in my life. Reading back I do complain alot. Today could be no exception. Without any emotion I can state that there are many out there with no concept of others than themselves. Witnessed it first hand. Bigfoot wants to act depressed over how bad his life is. Cathy stopped by today. Not surprising since oth he had our prescriptions refilled (yes I paid for them both). But as I was saying, she stopped by and he sold her some of his pills. Of course he tried to get him some 'lovin' and she in turn claimed she was on her monthly.

Later on however she called him to let him know she was going out with some guy to see a movie... Rigggghhhhtttt. It was 10pm when she called. No showings past 10:30 and she lived no where NEAR a theater? Pointed that out to him. Of course it upset him more. Great job BT!

Then there is his truck. He came home earlier and said it was lurchng and stalling out. Took a look for myself... Aye, I know. Me of all people climbing up on the grill with a raised roof. Must have been a sight with my ass up in the air while I wormed my way down through the engine block area. But hey, I found the problem. Fuel pump. Can't do the work mysel. Can't really get the leverage I need without legs.

Which of course leads to the reason he is upset. His gal (though he really has two) is screwing around and getting fucked up on stuff without him. Though really that is partially his own doing. He is hardly around for her and neither really ever spoke of having a 'real' relationship. Most here know what an open relationship is, and I think it is a bit beyond his understanding. He is a firm believer in the older methods.. Ya know, cheating is okay so long as the other party isn't aware of it...ROFL! And with the truck down and now in a shop it means his little money saved will soon go up in flames.

To his credit though he hasn't done any rock since I beat him down. It is sinking in that he has to make money. That and I have this notion that he will wait until the last minute and try to hit me up for some of it. I am on the fence about that. After all, he is trying his best. The thing that rides me so hard is the fact that he got himself into almost all this. If I help I know he will just do it all over again. He is just that self absorbed. I do mean it. When in a convo with him and it is not about him? He ignores it and talks about himself.

If not for my time online that would surprise me. Most I have met are either as false as silicon tits or they want every iota of attention placed upon them. Can't blame them really, though watching some of them give me a case of the snickers. Got those who profess to be the giving sort both off and online doing that, even I am guity of self focus and pity.

Julie stopped by after he told her about us getting our refills. Tried to get me to trade her my pain for her nerve pills. I can already get nerve pills. Go to my shrink and tell him some of my syptoms are kicking back in and he would give me anything short of elephant tranks. After I got placed in that old folks home right after the surgery they diagnosed me with both depression and being a functioning socio. ~Snort laughs~ Wasn't my fault. See back in that first place in Salisbury the doc had screwed up when it had cut me that short on the left stub. Th skin grew back to cover it alright, but it tightened up t o the point my bone was trying to break through the covering flesh. (Gross huh?) I remember going up to the RN there at the home and asking her 'So.. would you consider THIS a phantom pain?' Then proceeded to pull my shorts up to the point she could see the nodule like end that protruded past the wound.

She freaked out and called the oncall doctor that worked the weekend. She was acting like a nut and telling me to calm down..

That Monday they took me in for emergency surgery. What they did was reopen the site and with a bone saw 'trimmed' down the bone. Didn't do the trick. So aafter that and a few days of non movement they had another bright idea. Took a decent amount of fat from my ass to place in there. Never heard of it being done before frankly. Then again how many folks are in my condition? So now I had a fat left leg and no ass to cushion the bone on my backside!

I was preturbed to say in the least. When I finally woke up from that surgery they decided I could recoup just as well back at the old folks home. I sort of resisted that idea to the point that both security and cops arrived. Had me handcuffed to the beds railing and shipped me back. Now let me ask you this. You just wake up with no legs, the left wearing a cast bigger than a beehive hairdo, can't lay on that side OR your back because they made a nice incision there and your are now laying on bone. Would you A: Rather remain where they can give you pain meds through an IV or B: Be sent back to a place where you take two scheduled pills at 8 hour intervals that last roughly ohhh say 3 hours each? If you have to wonder then it isn't I who needs a shrink. So aye. I grabbed the surgeon by the throat and tried to turn him into a smurf.

Plus side is I got somewhat lucky with the RN there that worked 2nds. She was in charge of tending to my leg and ass. Don't get me wrong. She was a true professional. Sheila. We spoke on a daily basis. Tending to me twice in her shift and my only room mate was a stroke victim who could only speak three sentences for the most part. She and I joked, talked of her sons (both grown but took turns living with her), we even flirted as she worked on me. After Cristal left me when I lost my second leg, I did not have an ego persay left. Sheila and I spoke on that and as she tried to raise my spirits talking about seeing past my legs to look at the man I felt an urge. Of course I followed through on it. It was dark in the room short of the TV my roomie had. I leaned up on my elbows, her saying I shouldn't do that. Hurt like wild fire! Didn't stop me as when I finally got up on these damned bone cushions I reached out, cupped that wild blonde with black stripped hair and pulled her to my waiting lips. God it was wonderful. She didn't pull away.. Maybe initially it was shock, but as I raked my pouted lower lip against hers I felt those muscles in her arms relax and her own mouth opened slighty..

If that wasn't an invatation, what was?! Put these arms which even then were a bit thick thanks to all my workouts around her ribs and hauled her onto the bed beside me while our tongues did two asps dancing imitations. Isn't all that surprising right? Wanted to enjoy the embrace and my sides were all that did not really hurt to lay upon.

Enough on that though. She and I had quite a time together. That is until I stopped later on giving her pain pills and ended up getting tranfered out of there. Their reason was I at the time had gotten well enough that they could not excuse me being in a 'skilled' nursing center. Truth was her and I had a thing going and the staff knew it. Fraternizing or however it is pronounced. If she was charged with it she could have lost her RN license permantly.

The pills she claimed was for one of those before mentioned sons. He had tried to commit suicide with drugs and it ended up fucking his colon and he could hardly use his own legs. I gave her those pills for him. It helped with someones pain and I had this hot nurse giving me anything I asked for so long as it was in private. Thinking back on it she did not really want me in a true relationship. She wanted us open. Fine by me so long as I had her once a week. So used I was, but far from innocent. If not for her there would have been no crazy chick or blonde Godzilla. I would have delved into that endless self loathing path. So here and now I say to myself Thank you Sheila. You might have een taking from me in the physical sense. Emontionally however? You gave me more than confidence. You gave me hope.

Think I babbled enough for tonight. Doubt that rp partner I picked up will respond any time soon. I kinda gave a huge post and though I left the intro open for her to respond, it wasn't an initial meeting. Doubt she will write back. ~Sighs~ Guess I will have to find another if I am to use this site properly.

Cannonball · May 9, 2015

He and I sat down today and had a nice chat over his relationship and truck and all that jazz. I truly hate giving advice. I am more inline with the idea of see a problem, fix the problem rather than talk about it. Dating advice to me is a mine field and I am a blind man.

Think it is because of those few lasses I speak to online and off. What he does not seem to grasp is I am in a friendship with them, not a relationship. Sure the ones that I speak to face to face are overtly friendly towards me, but mostly that is because I am harmless to them. Made it abundantly clear to them that I have no interest in pursuing relations so they feel it more than safe to change clothes in front of me, or even flirt their cute little behinds off towards me. Not all that hard to understand I would think.

I explained to him that if he wants to get a better 'breed' of company, he would nee change his ways and living style. No one really wants a mamas boy for example. Him jumping every time she calls will at best annoy and worse cause a jealous wedge to form. Trying to explain general concepts to him is a it of a workout. Then trying to show what is fact vs oppinion is harder still. Easy example is my thoughts on woman who say they do not want nice things from their fella. Bull. It might not be the ONLY thing they want but sure as hellfire is hot, they will enjoy the fact that their man is thinking of them.

Said he needs some nice clothes that he chooses for himself, not something his mother thinks is nice. She has a damn beehive hairdo for crimineys sakes! We really do need a nicer place too. A one bedroom trailer in which I have to hop out of my chair and wander about on my hands does not conduce that home feeling. Course some would still look down on a trailer regardless. i understand the thought process but to them I would say nice like to 'Bite my hairy white ass'.

Yes I can afford better. So could he if he would save a bit rather than spend as fast as he gets it. Not a woman one I know of wants someone broke ALL the time. Trust me when I say to date him is to be bummed off of by him. Also the fact that he is working most every time a woman calls him, even if he is not does not inspire trust in the female species. Specially when his lies are repeated and transparent. If nothing else some would probally think he sees them as stupid for thinking they would fall for it.

And then there is the truck. Looks ratty and runs like a bell with no clapper inside it. Hard to get a date if you can't get to the date. Blah, Blah, and so on, and so forth. We all have issues. Some I can help him with, some I can not. Will deal with all that more here when I return. Got a job today to do. Vicki wants me to do a bit of photog for her today. Nothing all that hard. With my height as it is outside the chair I can take pictures of her wee ones from their perspective. Wants them for Mama's Day. I can rush them through fairly quickly and have them ready by tomorrow eve. Willing to pay well for my efforts. Sure hope the weather holds. Ciao.

Cannonball · May 10, 2015

Strange day. Not complaining this time but am a bit shocked. Started corresponding with this stranger in Charlotte through Emails. Nice enough lass. Named Vicky. If her pic is real she is a looker.. And is interested in me? This has got to be a joke. Don't get me wrong. She seems sweet though I can tell English of any sort is not her native lang. Ignoring that and if I read correctly she wants to get together on an actual date?! Next thing you know she will be telling me she wants to bere my child, or worse she wants me to bare hers. ;P

I tried to explain that between my legs as they are and that our age differences may play a factor that it might not be wise to go down this course, but I think she either can't or won't get that through her pretty skull. But I do know a bit about her if I understand correctly. She was born down under, moved to the states well after getting her degree in accounting. Did work at a bank until let go, and now works as a sales rep. My non spidey sense is tingling that all that she says may not be true. Her father supposedly dided in a pipeline fire plus a warehouse they stored things burnt down as well? Lots of fires in her life so it seems.

Checked out the pictures and they were not doctored or from another website. Still something is off about her. I avoided all talk of sex or even flirting. Most I said that could possibly be misunderstood was saying what I missed about being in a relationship.. That was merely a physical account, not adding in the hardships I feel I endured while in those messed up things! Oh well. If she presses for it I might be able to talk her down. Just have to act like a sterotypical male. Brash, sex driven, blahdeblah.

Showed Bigfoot her pic and gave a general summary of what she was like. He said 'If you don't want her I will take her'. I had to explain yet again tat if he wants a lass other than the two he plays with then go find one. Last time he met a gal I was smitten with he acted as if he were dating her. Put his arm about her shoulder and the like. Too bad for him she knew enough to turn his arm into a pretzel up to his shoulder. Asked him about that a couple of years later and he said he thought if a gal liked me then they would indeed have to love him for he was a smidge taller and all that rot. Thinks a lass that doesn't want him must be a bulldyke as he put it. ~Laughs~ Only then did I explain that dating other men or women or whatever does not in any way reflect on their taste. I can write novels for example. I have verbal charisma. I can lift double my own eweight thanks to all the hand walking I do. Does not mean that every lass should take a shine to me for those traits. The thought that it is looks or wallet alone that makes a fellow more attractive is soo wrong. Though with many I can see why he says that.

But enough with all that rubbish. I took about 40-50 photos of those lil ones today. Even have one where a little butterfly landed upon the finger of a chubby rascal. Wasn't all that hard really. They live in an abundant land area with a pond. A bit of sugar water on that digit did the trick. She paid me half today and with the pictures working themselves out, it should be easy enough to take payment tomorrow

As for this charjockey I must say goodnight. Spent too much time on that ground today and between my butt and back, I have an idea I will want to shed tears on the morrow.

Cannonball · May 11, 2015

Today seems like much a repeat of yesterday. Again the lectures to Bigfoot over why he can't worry more about dating rather than colecting money. A twist to this was when he saw me coming back in with a few hundred in my pocket he had the nerve to ask for some so he could get high. I asked him 'Do you have money to pay off your fine?' Answer: No. 'Do you have enough to pay the electricity bill?' Answer: No. 'Do you have enough to pay your insurance, truck payment, groceries, gas for truck, part money for truck, or even enough to get some chicken Mcnuggets? Answer: No. Response: Then you answered your own initial question. He then decided to tell me that I really had no use for the money. Not that I was going to get a date or do anything worthwhile. True enough really. Then again why would I want to?

Speaking of that little lass told me more about her family and that she wanted yet another picture of me. To ensure I would she sent me one of her in advance. Still cute, but this time with a little rugpuppy looking thing. I would say it is a dog, but past its nose and furry mop I could not make out much more. Picture, okay that's fine. Told me I to her look like the devil in the omen movies. I 'think' that is a compliment. Her asking me not to talk to any other females and be with 'just her'? That is not gonna happen. Sure I have male friends I could converse with. Well a couple at least. But to cut contact with any and all females? ~Belches aloud the words hell no!~

I have yet to meet this gal face to furry face and she is already telling her mother about me. I truly despise things like that. The things I write here are for me. Sure anyone on this site can read them, but they do not know me. Hell only three people on this site have ever seen me and that was limited to Skype, and I sure as hades left nut kept everything on surface level with them.

Sure I was close to them but that was even before many of the folks here changed out for the most part and that was years and years ago. So no offense to anyone whom ever happens upon this but folks here are just not that important in the grand scheme of my life. I put all this down for myself to make sense, not another.. Sure as hell not going to open up like I do to real people. And everything I have said to her she just passes like water down a drain to her mother? If she thinks I will soften over time about something like that? She is madder than a hatter! She could spread those legs like a warmed knife through butter a million times for me and my stance would never change. When someone tells me something I keep it to myself. Expecting less from others? Nah. Told her that in our last set of Emails.. She thought I was kidding due to the fact that it was her mother of all things. What she does not get is I will not be pressed by another woman again. Put up with that from Nessie and even the crazy chick to some extent. Not gonna happen.

But I digress. I enjoy chatting with her, even talkng about our very different views on religion.. But not going any further on anything more personal than what I did that day work wise, or maybe what I am wearing. Bigfoot wants a gal then he can find one of his own, OR stick with the pill whore, OR the religious freak that strings him along just so he will go to her church.

As for me.. I have PT in the morn and a doctors visit on the 14th. Get to have tests to see hwow much worse I have gotten physically. Not that it matters. I am therefore I do and all that jazz. Still well enough to write and work and live and all those things a soul should enjoy. Tis what matters right?

Cannonball · May 12, 2015

Damn. So busy yesterday I had no time to write in here. Work had to get done, had a ton of people stopping by, and then come evening I decided to work with that rp partner I mentioned before. Definitely a change in pace. Not to mention it was a freaking scorcher. 90 degrees seems like something a body can manage, but with the humidity of the South, it can make you melt in your own sweat.

Not sure which elements to mention and which to avoid. That wild little lass whom seems to be fixated on me is still just that, though at least it is from the UK as of present. Something about her fathers will, her mother just having skin cancer surgery, some other stuff. Just a normal day right?

Bigfoot had a guest or two. One being his pill popping whorebag. She decided to show when he was not here so I had the pleasure of dealing with her. Come to find out he promised to sell her some of his nerve pills. Guess he was hoping that with that extra cash he could get himself a rock. Wasn't gonna happen. Bad enough he let her stop by for a damned drug deal when he wasn't here to conduct it himself. I have no intentions of helping with that... And then Cathy herself. When I told her she was out of luck she asked if I had any pills. I said yup. She asked if I wanted to sale them. I said nope. Then she asked a strange question. If I ever got lonely here all alone. I said not really. ~Laughs~ She then proceeded to run her nails up my chest as I looked at her as if she were an alien. Told me if I just gave her a couple of my pills she could make me feel better. Told her that if she were concerned about my happiness I would love it if she took three steps back.. She smelt like month old fish!

Needless to say she left in a huff for some reason and no, I have no real intentions of telling Bigfoot about her little shinnies. Just another excuse on his part to want to do drugs. As it is each day he repeats a gajillion times. See its been ~insert number here~ days since I last used. I am happy for him. I am. I just dont want to hear it constantly. If he wants to repeat something it should be the debt numbers he has garnered due to his habit.. And how to get out of the pickle he is in.

Which is why I went ahead and called the local church he is a sometimes They said they might help him with the electricity bill since I pretty much put my non existant foot down about the money coming from me personally. Let him sweat and work out the details, I just intend to sweat period! =P

Now onto that roleplay. The lass I am working with on it is a bit of a short answer sort. AND she wants romance.. Now tell me, do I seem like the short answer/romance sort? But its good really. It challenges me to do the polar reverse of my usual showings. Not that I am exceling in it.. But it's fun. Plus she is in school, so with the amount of time it takes her to send me a reply? I can watch shows on the net with no interuptions. Though the roomie tthinks I am chatting it up with some fem fetale. Speaking of, she just sent me a response, so I will be back in a bit to add in any closing thoughts for the day.

Cannonball · May 12, 2015

Okay now I am half amused and half insulted. Actualy its more a 30/70 mix in favor of insulted at the moment. That weird little UK chickie mailed me tonight and asked me to join Gmail so we could do the chat messenger thing. I was a touch down so I didn't mind that one bit. Least at first.

Through our Emails I athered many a fact of her supposed life. Some things made sense, some.. Not so much. For example, she was supposed to live in Char. Only about ohh say 30 minutes to 45 from my current location. But when asked directly which part of the city she lived in? She would not answer. That's okay. Means she was just being careful. Uh huh.

Then there was her jobs. A bank worker of any sort needs to be able to speak, read, and write the main dialect of those she services. This gal types, speaks, understands certain words, but the syntacs is all flubbergasted.

Also along the lines of part of city she lives in she also doesn't want to give me her number. Okies dokies, let's write that off to caution as well.

But back to our conversation in messages. She is in the UK visiting a mother with skin cancer. from there she is supposed to go see someone in West Africa about her fathers assets she is getting or something along those lines. Coolio.

Then out of the blue she tells me she needs 300-400 dollars for some hotel thing?! I think I had a mini stroke when I read that. But I had to play along to a degree because this amused the hell out of me. So I made a joke so I thought that I did not think Western Union had a stand over in her area. Not a minute went by before she gave me details of one. All the info I would need to send money, etc.

Man this chick was ready for me to hand over dough and I mean now! She repeatedly asked if I was going to send her money.. Hells Bells I could hire a hooker for less than that! This lil birdie lives in Nigeria I think. Least that is where she asked to send money to.

Ya know those feed the hungry commercials with those poor skinny kids with flies buzzing about their heads? Rather send to them than her. So now I am off to see if my partner responded yet. I do enjoy our little game and it gets my mind off this goofy crap.

Cannonball · May 13, 2015

Today seems to be goingg okay thus far. Bigfoot is out working, though stopped by a couple of times to announce just how great his day is, I only received one Email from that wacky lass whom asked for money, and this morn I have had fun in the games area of that other site. Mostly just word games where one changes a set letter or a bit of word association, but I enjoy little distractions like that.

Haha, seems I am as simple as it gets these days. Might be the Lyrica, or maybe it's just a bit of age creeping in. Nah! i mean, I still miss Nessie, and I still have an ache that doesn't want to go away but I hope that I am slowly learning to just move on a bit. Back when I did date and what not I felt like I would just die a bit each day without a woman to share my bed with. At first it was sex. Damned I was a good little horndog like that. Not bragging because I struck out as many times as I made it to bed with some random lass but I almost enjoyed the challenge. As I aged it became quality over quantity. (I really hate that term, should not settle for either really but hey live and learn!) Now it is a matter of settling down more and more. I am tired of doing all types of women, rather just have that special one.

Problems galore with that though. Finding the right one isn't as easy as personality alone. Isn't really attraction persay, but with my change in physical condition some things are just not as feasible as they once could have been. Imagine me in my chair with a six foot lass! She would end up with back trouble just kissing, not to mention the logistics in the bed! I mean, I'm now more monkey than gorilla. My arms ARE my legs and I am getting better and better at using them, but comon! Only so much balancing a body can do before it begins to go all Humpty Dumpty. So I may end up alone. Nothing all too terrible about that I guess.

That and I need to settle down into a home I feel I can stay in for the remainder of my life. I have always been overly malleable in that arena. A roof is a roof, and who you have under that roof with you makes it a home. That was my thoughts on the issue. Now though it's just as much that as feeling like I can make memories to last me through the days more than it is the present tense worries.

For all his faults Bigfoot has the qualities for the most part that I can handle being around. Sure he is a crack head, slob, with mommy issues. But he can get over some of that if he wants.. And frankly my behaviors do rub off on him. Used to be he would never say or do anything that might upset someone. Even if the deserved it, he would let them all but dance on him while he did the biblical turn the other cheek. Now he speaks up and speaks out against some who do him dirty. Of course he is just acting the role of parrot and mimicing what I say when confronting these people, but still.. It's a start!

Not always a good thing to do unless you are willing to have people bite back. I am used to it. I can at times bring a person to tears and not feel guilt. Really that is a norm, but only if they deserve it. I also do not mind getting rowdy if someone gets a bit froggy. Dont have any qualms over verbal or physical confrontations. Rather the first, but yo know how that goes.. Younger people tend to lash out with fists rather than put downs, so meh.

I might have had a rough childhood, and adult life has been no picnic at times, but really what I can't stand is what I get the most of these days when in public. Pity. Polite I can handle but pity? Grrr! Being a gen take no real extra time at all, but pity? What a waste! Means I have to time and again prove that I am just as capable as anyone else before they forget my condition.. And damned does it show!

Tis why I like the online life in general. I can chat with folks over mos anything and it takes no more than words or feelings to express to someone for them to judge. It's only when someone tries to get personal that the lines start to quiver. Easy example. One gal just a week or so ago started talking to me out of the blue. Had not a problem one with the joking flirtations and the like. Didn't mention my legs cause frankly it was all for fun. Or so I thought. We exchanged pictures. I made sure it was a simple head shot with a 'banner' making fun of her screen name and she did the same back to me. It wasn't until we got on video chat a few days later and when she noticed my shorts she made a quip of wanting to see what was beneath them. Now don't get me wrong, coulda been a sexual inferance but to me it was just a chance to make a joke. So I made the remark back that 'There was nothing at all there, see?' And flashed the ends of my stubs. Oh lord, she got a bit flustered then, starting to appoligize and all that crap. Since then she avoided me like I had a case of the black death or something. Maybe she was ashamed or scared off, I just dont see why it matters. I have grown used to being like this and though it might be a culture shock or instilled within I guess many are still taken aback.

People do surprise me I guess Not always for the worst or best, but it's there. So I will just continue to make fun of two leggers while wheeling about and hope people in general can get over these silly misconceptions one day. I may be in a chair, but that far from makes me Hawkings or anything.

Cannonball · May 13, 2015

Been a pretty good day. Worst thing that happened was loosing one of the books on CD from the library. I know where I left it, and i was moved. Most likely when I made Bigfoot clean that living room. Bet he tossed it without even thinking. But he is like that, so i guess I will pay. Watch it cost like 70 bucks or close to it. That's okay. If I find it later I will keep and enjoy it.

Tis a recording of one of the series I rped some time back when I had my old name. Back then I frequented that chat room and babbled on and on to folks. Also when I could still walk, so that shows just how long I was put out of commision! Back back to the rp. It was one of those harry Potter deals. I had to play Malfoy Sr, and she had to play Hermoine. The challenge was I had never seen the movies, just read the books so I had a diffrent take on characters. Still tortured the living hoohah out of her character. Even flirted OOC with the gal. She was cute, later on I found out she was not supposed to even be on this site.Damned if I didn't bite my tongue but I refused to do another scene with her. Still remained her friend though.

Thinking back on it I have played a multitude of characters in my time. All these typos aside I used to carry on 6 or 7 through PM's. Only did one on the boards.. Was bugged left and right to post more. Silly lil pervs wanted to watch me write out sex scenes for them. ~Laughs~ Even did a bit of RP inside the private side of the chat room. God I was terrible! Well guess I was good but ya know what I mean!

Maybe it was due to my fixation on sensations. The feel of skin to the point of noting where each pore was. The salty taste of sweat not just from brow but her flesh as well mingled with those damned juices. That was hard to describe. From experience when I start lapping at a blood engorged slit? I tend to not be thinking all that straight! But now using my old bumpy (taste buds) tongue? Oh now that I enjoyed the dickens in describing! Using my wide open mouth to help curve it into a U shape and then cupping her clitty with it, only to then milk that nerve filled sack? Twas somethin that made most any of my old flames a bit overly excited. Even worked on those on things like Lyrica which dulled sensations!

A bit of massaging and tweaking breasts and nipples with these long arms added in? Well least I always made sure to give them theirs before I got mine! LOL! Only met one ever that hated giving bu loved taking. She had such a nice round ass that I spanked pink dozens of times for her whining over that issue!

Candle play was fun as well. Just had to give them lessons on which candles to use and how height made the difference. Even made a few molds of their more private parts at times. Never kept any of them, though that isn't to say I have forgotten such days! Think the most dangerous though was breath control and restriction. Had this one lass from Laos that was heavy into it. Taught me more than I thought I could then we parted ways.

Geez. See, this is why I avoid RP like I did. All those memories come back to me and make me want to relive a few here and there. Not a good thing considering my avoidance of people. Oh well. Instead I will play a bit more on the other site with word games. Innocent enough, though when it ran under another name some of those gals got off on challenging me with more difficult terms. When I did come up with solutions they felt as if I beat them therefore I was worthy of them or some crud like that. Least I do not have to worry about it with the current crew. They are strange as hell but friendly as all get out!

That and maybe my rp partner here will reply a few more times before I hit the hay. Would be great ya know!

Cannonball · May 14, 2015

Today thus far has been okay in some ways in others? Blargh. My rp partner is taking her exams today. I am mentally wishing her luck. Been wondering why her replies are so time eratic at times. Explains alot. Then again though I know little abot her, it goes the same both ways. In fact I gave her my real first name just today. See? I have changed over the years. Now I do not even ask names or anything about them short of what they look for in a story.

Another thing is seeing and revisiting some of my old sites I haunted. Some of the folks I remember wer still about and it seems they remembered me as well. One so well she remembered an exotic pet I used to have and how we flirted with the idea of ever meeting should she visit the US again. It was a lark mind you. She was hot even back then, and I was one of the few that knew it. Yup, she was that private!

Better still I was looking back on this site at some old names and found that one person whom I chatted with OOC regularly has had some very positive changes in her life. Biggest perk i heard all year in that area. Feels gratifying if someone I know has a positive experience. I share their joys even if they have no idea that I do.

But thats enough for the moment. I much rather bask in this good than focus on the bad. Plenty of time for that in the future.

Cannonball · May 14, 2015

Now that I have relaxed a bit more I guess I could write a bit more. Started thinkng way too much so just might keep me from thinking. Sounds stranger than it is. For example. Listening to music. Tis a great way of escape normally right? What if it's a song that reminds you of some moment in time that made you want to just break down? That's right. Most anyone who ever reads this can associate with that sort of ache. If not then they don't know music or still suckling on their mamas teat.

I had one of those moments today. Did my best not to dwell on it. Rather be happier for others than drag myself down by replaying stuff like that. Truth is I am scared. Not something I like to confess. Went to the pain clinic this morn and had to go see the specialist at my other docs office. Pain clinic upped my doses of pain meds and Lyrica. That's par for the course. But at the other docs office. Wll lets just say the prognosis isn't great. Skins fine, but the bone, its wearing down at the boundaries and edges. Means more cutting is more than possible.

If that happens it means no more romping about in my chair. I'd be bed bound. They wanted t chat about options. All I heard was static. They don't quite take me seriously when I made it clear that I would rather be dead than that happen. I lived more a life than many had the chance and if I would be trapped in a body that could not get about? There is no other option I care to contemplate.

Bah. Rather not type either. Gonna focus instead on seeing some good in today. Many happy folks out there. Sure there has got to be some good news somewhere.

Cannonball · May 15, 2015

Today was as off as could be for me. Depression type thing kicked in for awhile. Sometimes it feels like a real struggle to get past. Used to resort to rage to do the trick. Could say for the longest time that was all I had. More than once I got my hairy ass dumped for just that reason. Not that I would take it out directly at those I dated, but oh when they did see it they took off for the hills.

See I hid behind my brains to mask that part of myself. Inside I would seeth, but the madder I became the more I spoke with serious verbage and refused to show any emotion. One gal I dated cheated on me JUST to get some sort of emotion like anger out of me. It was for her a big gamble. I was close to 2 feet taller and a hellova big fella. Didn't fear the cops nor any courts either. For being smart I was pretty damn dumb. But I would not direct it at her or anything. Instead I found out where she went and turned his fridge over atop of him. Then of course let his head get aquainted with my foot.

Now I don't have the feet in order to do something that rediculous. Nessie knew that but found out first hand that I still had a bit of anger left to spare. Only once did I really let her have it with what was stored p in my head. Not only did I call her a whore and such, but could site with clarity all the guys she had told me of being with and made her shrink like a flower in the withering sun at what I said. It was also the one time I dumped her (unlike the 20+ times she did so with me). Took her three weeks to get back on my good side, and still I made her pay with a bit of dignity in the process.

I think that is one reason I am opposed to dating now. She hurt me at last and there was no closure on my end. I miss her more than I can say. And that is despite her behavior and actions at the end. Me in a relationship at this time would be a disaster. I would judge the woman by standards of bad relationships, looking for flaws and possibly exploiting them. Tis also why I do not go into chat rooms. Many here I know or knew. My mind retains all the facts that they told me. If I got angry I culd hurt them just as easily as if I punched them in the gut or worse. Hell, I even hold back on other sites that were made to be negative or nasty to one another. I have only befriended three people and of those three I know only what needs to be known.

I want the best for them and I know the worst in me would be a far cry from fair. I am happy for my rp partner here. But I need not know more about her than what is warranted. Knowing about her nerves and exams is a far cry from knowing details that someone that trusts you might expose. I honestly don't want to know more. It is like having a gun in your home. If it isn't loaded it is no more dangerous than a frying pan. That is good enough for me.

Now I am off to watch some illegal movies and such. I might try to be a good guy most of the time but there are some things I will do that is considered wrong. Tis why I on't want to judge folks now. The reverse of that is looking at myself. Not a good idea! G'Night!

Cannonball · May 16, 2015

It is hot as can be today! Can't strip down any further than I hve and still I thnk I have soaked through to another layer of skin here. :yrica doesn't help this I know. If anything it makes it worse with swelling and the like. Good thing Bigfoot isnt here. He would be insisting on leaving the door open to cool things off, and I sure don'twant to deal with more bugs. Not that will stop him when at last he does get back, but hey. Least I have a lil mre time where I can yawn without tasing some sort of critter.

My rp partner didn't post at all yesterday. Got a letter from her saying she would be swamped till at least tomorrow. I don't mind. She is alright and that's all that matters. Gives me time today to watch a few movies. Really haven't gotten much a chance to just do that and relax these past weeks, except for at night. Now though is the perfect time. That is once I leet this box cool down a little. So I will just write more in a bit.

Cannonball · May 17, 2015

Thought I would wait till later to write. Hoped it would be cooler. Twas wrong! Still, said I would try to do this daily and what's a bit of heat?

Been doing a bit of rp with my partner. She is a pleasure outside of rps as well as in and I am lucky to have her. Been a bit preoccupied myself. Catching up on Dr Who and posting to the other site I frequent. Got a bit of a problem there though I loathe mentioning it to anyone. Seems there is a new chap there. Got that damned gut feeling he is underage. Hate it but I am hardly wrong, so I been watching quietly and everything seems to gel with the theory. He asked just how good the mods there were at detecting young ones that tried to join. That's a red flag #1. Then he made mention of being '18ish'. That's numero dos. Behavior is that of a teen, trying to fit in and be liked a lil too much. # three. Then some other comments and behaviors have led me to the assumption he is a youngin.

But I have no right to mention it. Did that here a long time back and the few mods all scoffed, till they found out I was right. Then they got really pissy. Goes to show not wanting a lawsuit on folks make them listen less and ignore more. If nothing it makes them hostile. Not really into that again, and ignorance IS bliss after all. It's one reason I am so damned picky on who I speak to anymore or rp with. Anyone could be underage or not what they seem. It's the point of these sites as it is. To be something your not for a short while. Or as some see it, a chance to learn to be a better liar.

I know for example others read these entries and I pointedly ignore that fact. I am honest here with my thoughts and feelings and frankly any that want to nose about are welcome, so long as they don't butt their noses into my affairs. They do and I will gladly tell them which of the nearest cacti they can go hump.

Speaking of idiots... Bigfoot did some damned crack again today. Three times total and would have done more if I had not put my freaking figurative foot down. Sumabiotch kept trying to lie to me in order to do more. I reminded him that he sure as hell does not have the money for his fine or the electricity yet so he better quit that shit. When pressed into an argument over it I made it abundantly clear that if he didn't have enough for both, then I would handle the electricity with what has been saved and he can just get over his addiciton while he rots in a freaking jail cell. THAT stopped him if but for today. Acted like a pouty child and offered to go to the store for me. Told him to go sure. Buy me a turkey drumstick. After I ate it I would shove the bone right up his arse. As if he wanted to go to the store! He wanted to go out, get a rock, go park somewhere, and smoke up. Seriously.. How stupid do I look?!

Wait.. That is a question best left unanswered. I am legless, sitting in underwear and a tee and both are stuck to me from sweat. I look a fright and probally rediculous. But I am STILL no fool..lol

I have therapy tomorrow. A bit of lifts and curls with the weights and on the bars I go. You know what? I got a birthday wish. I wish that before or on my birthday I have someone to lay with. Not to screw like a lightbulb, but some lass to sleep beside me. Someone that can accept me for who I am and know I expect nothing more than to have a body to hold onto. Baring that? $1000 would be nice.

Now I will send this to my pile of thoughts and see if I get at least one more response from my partner. I missed her these past few and as silly as it sounds? I want to rp with her some more!

Cannonball · May 19, 2015

Listening to music at the moment. First day withot over pressing heat in a long, LONG time. Fun fact about the South. Humidity will bite you harder than a horny pitbull! Another day of blurred vision. Pain clinic decided to up my dose of Lyrica and besides the swelling and all that, you get to deal with 12 of everything!

Went to see the shrink as well yesterday. Asked how I was doing with my online life since I was so closed up over real life crud. Told him the generals of this site without giving it's name. He was enthused by this. Asked how many partners I had. Told him the truth, one. She is the relaxed sort that only replies a few times max a day. She at least has a life..lol Wanted to know why I did not take on more partners. Honestly? It's because I am still broken. My creativity is all but flatlined. Confidence makes one write at a higher level as much as having a large vocab. I don't have any and don't want any at this point. That and the majority here really don't strike my fancy for one excuse or another. Most are just not literate enough. Under the assumption that smut is the crux of what men all over look for. If I wanted sex? I could just go out and get it, or hire a freakin hooker. Don't mind it if it adds elements to the story That is just natural, but to focus on it as a means of the story itself? Nah. I like it to last in real life. Hell I have made women on drugs that deaden nerves cum and continued until they lay like a heap upon the bed. Kinda hard to do that online, though I used to be pretty good at it. Now? No interest and lack of decent original plots make me not want to even try.

Also told him I started Emailing a gal I met that is somewhat local. She is a strange lil bird. Older than I with a gray streak in her hair. After our initial meeting and first email she wanted to stop talking to me. Said she was afraid she might grow to have feelings for me and that's not good. Kind of the point isn't it? You want friends you feel for them! Gave me a crap line about not wanting to ruin a marriage that she has had for half her adult life.... ROFL! I had to remind her it takes two to tango and I was not after her in that way. About the only way to keep chatting with her is to keep it simple. Not going to get together with her on her farm or whatever. Just someone local to chat with about daily things in both our lives. Is that so wrong? Geez.

Finally we discussed my options with my legs (or what's left of them). Told him it wasn't going to happen. Gave me the crap about considering it a bit dangerous to myself to be so closed minded. Looked him dead in the eye and told him to bite my hairy ass. I mean come on.. I do not walk in others shoes so stay the hell out of mine. I have few real friends, no lover, no real family to speak of, done more in my life than a good half of those on the net itself, plus I really don't care to keep fighting every day with the pain I feel. Now back when I had people I cared for that would entice me into going on and on losing parts of myself. Now however I have the roomie and that is about it. With him it's a matter of choice at this point to stay stuck on those freakin drugs. I can put a halt on it for awhile but in the end he will do as he pleases.

So I will lay back down until I get a response, or maybe take a shower and do some dishes. Who knows? Only thing on my agenda that needs be done is a bit of spot cleaning otherwise, amd that can wait. Yup. A nap sonds good. Got some work lined up for later in the week that will net me a few hundred in one sitting. That's more than enough to look forward to right?

Cannonball · May 20, 2015

This has been one of those days where moods are a bit tense. Least fo rme it is. Last night Bigfoot invited a couple of friends over to enjoy themselves.. Screw that. Two of them came in and thought they would light that nasty ass plastic pipe up and get high off crack. I came in walking on my hands, got into my chair, then proceeded to smash it up into lil bits. Come to find out those things are not as easy to come by as they once were, so for at least a few days there will be peace in the land when it comes to that BS.

And then there is my mood. I have no idea as to why, but I feel particularly snippy today. Might be the lack of sleep I had last night. Couldn't really stand laying down nor sitting up, so I did a roll over to each side sort of thing until almost 6 this morn. Found a couple of pictures last night of an old ex and the single pic of our child we had together. Adopting her out was about the only truly smart thing I did in my life. Doesn't always feel like it but hey, she is with a good family that could do alot better by and for her than I could. Imagine it, her sitting on Daddy's lap while he has to roll about just to get things in order or some rot like that. ~Snorts~ Not quite what I would want for a young one.

See? Negative attitude today. Might also be due to my partners non reply to todays post. love her to pieces but sometimes her hectic schedule really tosses me for a loop. Least I hope she has other partners she is keeping up with. Far to sweet not to be happy.

Should go outside. See if it picks this mood I am in up. Just don't want to. Guess I am in the mood to brood! Think I will lay back again and listen to some music. See if that helps.

Edited an updte to save time and to keep my memory fresh. When I first lost my legs I had a gal. She was with me, hell even helped me when I first went to the hospital. She was a wonder in and of itself. So much younger than me and yet stuck with me for all those years on and off. Did what I could for her. In fact I think that even today I would lay down what's left of my life for her if she needed it. But.. Back on track. When I lost my first leg she was there. Even told me how insane I was when I was under the narcs. When I lost my 2nd leg though she went MIA. I had no idea if she were dead, alive, or just plain vanished. She was a truck driver.. Couldn't get a bead on her under convential means. Funny thing is, I was the one that pushed her to become what she always wanted.

On a whim (mostly because I was so dam down, I looked and found her profile on FB of all things. She had not all that long ago quit the company she worked for! Hwever, she had still kept posting on FB the entire time she and I were apart. Not really saying all that much I guess, but to know she is okay is some relief to me. Couldn't blame her for moving on. She wanted a life on the road, not some guy that couldn't even walk. She was younger than I by many a year, which meant she would outlive me as it were. Stil.. It hurt. Think in some way it does even now. I didn't do her justice in our relationship. Makes me look back and beat the old me with something heavy and probally spiked.

Oh well. Guess it's something to tell Bigfoot. He knew her as well and would enjoy seeing a bit of pain in my eyes I wager. He and she never got along. She really hated those who were older than she but slow witted. He never liked the fact that she was with me and pretty and young and put him down whenever he tried to flirt with her. She hated Rednecks, he hated anyone not from the South. Heh. Guess I am just more impartial than some.

Cannonball · May 21, 2015

Been scratching my head most all day on what to put here or not put here. Like I said last night I did the FB thingy. Most of it was centered about the ex in what I spoke on, but not all of it. Joined some groups with people like myself. Come to find out one guy lives in my area. In fact just a couple of streets around me. You'd think I might notice someone else with no legs, only he has legs after a fashion. Metal ones.

He runs a support group on the other side of town. Which is weird cause my suppport group has only me as the legless wonder. We discussed quite a bit last night. Some important to me some just plain out weird. For example, there are actual fetishists that enjoy folks with stubs. Even have porn sites dedicated to them. Considering my past I should not be all that surprised. But I was last night! We talked about a string of murders that centered on legless or armless people. Guess in larger cities it would be a bit less shocking but to my own thoughts? Would I want to risk my health over a lass who was more interested in the wrappings and not the person? I was a horn dog when I had legs and felt I needed someone when I was first alone. Now? I miss the ladies I was with, sometimes to the point of actual physical pain.. But to be with them? Not so much. I have a list of names longer than most on whom I dated. Cristal Nessie, Sheila, Alica, etc. And those were just in the past what? 2 years max? I date again, it's gonna be it or I refuse to admit it was a date! =P

My rp partner messaged me last night with her post added in there. She was living life again. Swear that gal has had more fun in the last week than I have in months and months! Totally jealous and wouldn't have it any other way. Besides, I am not the best company as seen by my posts from earlier in the week. Not so great physically today either. Messed up my right hand and wrist getting about last eve. Made a flying leap out of my chair to save me some hand walking time and landed all wrong. I mean it hurt to the point that each finger was burning, throbbing and tingling seperately. Can't imagine this old fuddy would be all that pleasant to be around in those circumstances!

Speaking of, be back in a bit to finish this off. I needs me some ice for the tendons of that wrist. It still wants to bite like a tiger!

Cannonball · May 23, 2015

Damn wrist! Put me down for a couple of days. Spent most of it reading and trying to forget that the dull throb waned to play hellfire with me. Of course during that the majority of people I knew wanted me to either write, type, or walk about on my hands for them. Easy example was the pill popping whore Bigfoot 'dates'. Her mother passed away after a long struggle with COPD. My heart goes out to anyone who lost a loved one, but needing me to go out and spend MY money on his woman because she needed to have gorceries for the reception? Now this will sound cruel, but I am not the one passing her pills just to get a piece.. Hell I get nothing but headaches dealing with her. So why again did I need to be the giver of gifts to that Queen of the Damned?

On a lighter note I talked to my rp partner since she has been so late on giving her responses. Learned more about her life, and no not anything too personal. Just what time zone she is in, her own work, and of course a bit about relationships. But hey, I gave as well as I got on that one. Told her a bit about Nessie and Cristal. But that is all I shall say on this matter.. Just in case one of those whom seem to enjoy peeking in my thread reads it and starts trying to nose about in another persons life. She's a sweet gal and I shall let nothing bother her on my account.

Also I tried to pick up another couple of partners. Ones that specifically put in their threads that they do not like nor tolerate being left with no word. Most folks hate that right? Here's the kicker.. Neither of them got back to me with any thoughts on plots...lol! Maybe they forgot, or maybe the pot and the kettle need to double check their colors! I don't mind it really. Thought I would get my rust off a bit more with diversity. If they do not wish to, I can go look through the female request list. Hard parts are these days so many want things I refuse to do or just can't get into. Female on females, lousy short posts, method of play like Aim or yahoo. None of that appeals to me. And he worst are those that want you to play multiple characters and they themselves only pla a repetative one! Lucy does this and Lucy does that. Good lord say She if it is third person or I if it is first, how freakin hard is that? Some say quality over quantity.. Why not have both? Use those senses, see the reality of your character. Picture things peoplE How hard is it to picture humidty between two hard pressed bodies when they rub against one another. Does it feel like honey, or some other substance like oil. Oral sex seems to be popular. So why not add in how that little pink tastebud ridden tool feels against that nerve bundled little clittie. Hell, if I can imagine the taste of a womans juices as they coat and cover my stubbled face, then would it be so hard to reciprocate? And the sounds. Moans and groans are the best you can give? What about the slapping of flesh as hips meet thighs, the breaths all but gasping from lack of breath, or even the hum that sometimes comes when blood flow AND oxogen fails to reach the brain? Is it that they haven't had those sort of experiences? Any writer will say that if you do not use your own imagination you are bound to give poor examples of your work. So picture things ladies. Gah!

See? There was a rant still inside me! Now I shall lay back and relax a bit. See what happens first.

Cannonball · May 24, 2015

Oy vey what a day. Got done with my workout early today so thought I would relax a bit. Then remembered the mood that overtook me last eve. Between my aches and pains I was pretty angry at the world at large. Seems karma rose up and bit me one good one because when I awoke, the computer was acting like a spastic colon! Did a bit of tinkering with its guts though and now it seems fine. Had me worried for a few. Trying to evolve what basic knowledge I had from back in the day to these newer systems was daunting to say in the least.

So now I should focus a bit more on what to do today. My partner did not pm last eve and has been busier than usual which leaves me all this free time. Like I ranted last eve, there was and really is no viable partners that I am finding through the request threads. My memory still serves me well enough to know that many of the better partners from my past were ones I thought would be less than ideal initially.

One of my favorites from those days wouldn't just post, she posted novels and it flowed so well that I at times felt a bit overwhelmed. Best part was the planning to begin with and through the play. We had room for surprises towards one another and each others characters as well. Heck, when we weren't playing we were chatting. Sometimes on the net and sometimes on the phone. She had dozens of fellows trying to get into her cyber panties as well as in the real world and we would discuss just how funny some were. Had one so determined to basically cyber her that she rebuffed he decided she had to be a male! She sent him a lil audio clip of what she sounded like and sent me a copy as well. In it she spoke softly and with as much sexiness to her voice it made my bones quiver. Then as she finished speaking she then yelled into it something akin to 'And now you know I am a female, know also you will never, EVER have me!'

Oh that was so much fun. Wish I had a chance to keep in touch with her. She only had one phobia. Elevators. And of course each day when she got off work she would call me and want me to distract her while she rode that one in her work place. I told her to take the stairs, but it being five floors she would refuse with adamantine will. So I would persuade her to pay the utmost attention to me. Which was something unique because our conversations would all but turn into a game of verbal sex. With that we later recorded a verbal session between us and split the makings two ways when we sold it to a company that sold peoples sexual encounters.

Alas though losing her was yet another thing I regret with the loss of my legs. Though I do hope wherever she is, that she is happy and her needs are met. Though I also hope she gets stuck in an elevator with me one day..lol Now though it's time for me to do a bit of cooking. Making a bit of chicken parm today and have to let the egg wash settle after stirring in the dry ingredients. Seems that's the best way to really draw out the flavors of spices. Hope the rest of my day is as easy as the first.

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