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Dark Dreams (A/A's and Journal)

T

TheDarkerMe

Supernova
Joined
Jan 11, 2009
Location
Oregon
May 1st, 2015

Holy sweet Dannu, I never thought I'd ever return here. To be quite honest, I never intended to return. But something about this place, it's people, keeps drawing me back. Maybe it's the fact that I missed people from here, and I am planning on doing a major overhaul on my PM system... Deleting anything that holds no relevance anymore.

But I guess I'll just plop a journal, general talk stuff... in this thread. Whether people read it, or respond to it, I'm not particular caring about. But if anyone that remembers me wants to come in and drop a line, make a comment about something I said - feel free. Anyone is welcome, no matter our past. So long as you remain civil, I won't have any reason to be upset for you popping into my thread.

To get things on track, it's been a long time since I was actually truly back in this place. I'd pop online every once in awhile, for sure, but I never actually sat down to write anything. I just didn't feel it worth the effort, not that BM isn't worth the effort, mentally I was just not prepared to bring myself back to a place that had such a pivotal impact on my growing adulthood.

So many years, have passed, I remember coming here for the first time - strangely I remember it almost like it was yesterday...

So many things happened in this place, good and bad.. Painful and happy... But these were all parts of my development as a human. I faced a lot of loss, a lot of heartache, and a lot of pain. Some my own fault, some from outside factors I wasn't capable of controlling at the time.

So what has changed with TDM?

Well for one I am happily married, and have a beautiful and amazing daughter that is a bit over a year old. My life changed, for the better, when I had her. I used to say I was not sure about having children, and at once point I didn't want any at all. But I love my daughter, she is the light in the darkness for me. I love my husband, and though he can be a bit eccentric, he's an absolute sweetheart.

I now actively volunteer for conventions. This years Labor Day Weekend Con will be the 5th Year in a row I have held an Assistant Manager/High position in the convention. I found that the drive I get, the feeling I have, when I am volunteering and helping people - is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I was literally thrust into this world, and have never known what it was like to work a normal staff position - and my higher ups literally refuse to let me... XD

I took a break from the Easter Weekend convention, this year only, and will probably be transfering to another department for a Coordinator position for next years Con. The two people that have replaced me in my positions are such amazing people that I have absolutely NO intention of ever replacing them. It would just be silly.

So other than that... I am working on a novel for publication, I was selected to write within a universe of a previously published Author - and the Author and I are rather good friends. He loved my concept I came up with when I wanted to write a fanfiction for NaNoWriMo '14... and he went batshit... He's been helping me work on the story since than.

What else, what else. Oh, I got a job. It's a simple job, part time, but then again I can only work when I have available childcare (And trust me... I really am not interested in hunting for a daycare service). But the boss I will have is kick ass, and she is as big of a Whovian as I am. I'll be working Thurs-Sunday, which will be a bit strange. I'm going to try to swing for double shifts on Sundays so I can get 25 hours of work a week. Max is 28, but I'm not even sure HOW you would reach that point, ya know? The shifts are 5 hours at a time... so how in the diddly heck do you get to 28? XD

Either way... I think I'll update as semi-regularly as possible. Depends on how things go with returning here... It'll be nice to have a place I can lay out my thoughts...
 
May 2nd, 2015

Fuck today, I mean seriously. Today is dubbed 'The Day I almost Committed In-Law Patricide. I woke up with a hankering to write, like a serious hankering to write. For once in a long time I had stuff I could write, wanted to write...

I am greeted with... as soon as I get downstairs at 7am... with "Hey help me move furniture and set up the living room in a different configuration and move a buncha shit to the porch" by my father in law. 7am. Seven Fucking AM

It took everything in my power not to lash out at him. I hadn't eaten yet, not had a smoke, and more than that my father in law was insisting on it happening then and there - today... no other day. I was about to rip my hair out... but I did it. Because my husband works nights... and I knew if I didn't my father in law would force my husband to stay awake when he should be sleeping for work later tonight.

So I did it... moved two couches to the back porch... adjusted one porch in the living room... cleaned the entire living room... vacuumed... moved a giant ass carpet to scrub down and dry a hardwood floor... and then moved MORE HEAVY ASS FUCKING FURNITURE!

I fucking HATE today... the only amazing thing about it was the start of a new game, and a variety of writing possibilities that have been opened. I would really really love for this to end on a high note, and for me to have a better night than I did a day.
 
May 3rd, 2015

So turns out both of the battiers for my vape pens are way too old... and both are completely dead. I did every trick in the book, even was online and on the phone with their customer service to find out what was wrong. They just won't take a charge anymore, which isn't uncommon with some vape batteries. So now I get to wait until I have extra money... so I can buy myself a vape pen again. I was doing so good on vape, only had like two or three smokes a day... and was weaning myself down almost completely. I was even smoking 6mg juice in my pen... So close... but so far away.

Well moved more shit today, and worked on some game plotting... May be starting a few more... YAY Me... but yeah... ummm not much else to say for today, was a pretty bland day... Other than finding out my freaking spider bite piercing is averaging between 60-175 depending on the shop. I'm a little frustrated by this, to be completely honest.
 
May 4th, 2015

Today I found out that my husband would be getting more hours, it was sad to find out that it was because of a co-worker having a huge family emergency that took him and several of his family (working at the store) away to Guam. Apparently there was a natural disaster that may have killed part of their family.

My husband is trying to stabilize his work schedule, and convince his boss to give him firm days off. If this happens it looks like me and Hubby may definitely have time off together. It means that most of us will be working when the parents are home, but that's just what we have to do.

With his schedule stabilized, I may actually be able to work a Monday or a Wednesday to add more hours to my work schedule.

May 5th, 2015

I spent the day doing something I really shouldn't have. I found myself looking through the past, reading old messages and feeling old pains. Though it was cathartic, it made me hurt so badly. I realized that no matter how healed I think I am I may not actually be as healed as I would like to be.

I was said beyond all belief, but getting a few games going did help. I didn't really let anyone know how depressed I was, but it is ok. I needed that time, because so many good things have been happening. Because of this, I am doing everything I can to push myself forward.

I'm going to try to post more regularly, but I can't promise anything.
 
May 6th, 2015

So today was an interesting day. I started it off with being told that since my parents in law got a check.. they were forcing me to let them buy me slacks for work. I was nervous because I wanted Goodwill, you know easier to get more. They forced me to go to Kohl's and my mother in law helped me pick. I love the two pairs I got, but I was cringing at the 50 bucks spent on them. I could have bought like five pairs of good slacks for that much, at Goodwill. But they are right, these ones will last better, and will be less likely to fall apart.

Afterwards we raced off home to deal with some stuff. I ended up taking a nap with my daughter, when she passed out, and had some strange ass heart breaking dreams. The past seems to haunt me when I don't want it to. I woke up to a phone call from Walgreens asking me to come in for an interview.

I was honest with the hiring manager and said I started working at Burgerking tomorrow for training, but I was interested in coming into an interview. I said that I would work the job that was best for my family. I have specific volunteer efforts I am not giving up, and I have to work specific hours because of childcare. If Walgreens agrees to all that... and pays better than BurgerKing - I would have no issues going to work there. But they'd have to be completely honest, and I'd probably ask for the confirmation in writing for my files. Last thing I need is to try to get the time off for my Volunteer stuff... and be told no. Not happening to this girly, way too important to me.

The day went semi-well, I just wish this crazy body shit would stop. My back pain is flaring up something fierce so I think I'll be trying to hit the hot tub tonight.

Sick Baby, new job jitters, all sorts of shite. I wish this bleeding would stop because I could use a real relaxing evening.
 
Note to Roleplay Partners

Starting tomorrow from about 10 am to 3 Pm Pacific Standard Time, I will be unavailable on Thursday - Friday - and Saturday. Those hours will hold for now. As soon as I have my weekly work schedule forcast I will post it here. My posting will be slower on those days, and I will not even be available to talk to during my work hours. I will be trying to get double shifts on either Friday or Sundays - and I will also be trying to work Mondays if my husbands schedule stabilizes with him having Monday-Wednesday Off.

As another note, once a month I visit some friends, I'll give you a heads up on these weekends. At this point those friends do not have active internet.
 
May 7th, 2015

My daughter woke me up at 3am... At 6 am I couldn't take it and asked the grandparents to handle her for a bit. I am beyond exhausted by this point, but I didn't like the fact that I spent most of the morning with my father in law angry at me because he had to watch the baby. Mind you this is the same guy that said he had no issue with it, considering the fact it meant I had a job.

But that's only when it's convenient for him to shove it in my face. I really hate these kinds of people, but I'm going to deal with so that I can provide for my daughter. I'm quite excited to get working more, did good at training today.

Turns out that Walgreens may actually be up for offering me 10 hr shifts, which means that I could actually work full time the 4 days I'm available to work. The deciding factor will be if they garuntee my non-profit work. Without a doubt I need that time, otherwise... well otherwise I'm just going to say fuck it. Because I'd rather work part time and be able to continue the Non-profit work I do. Some might call it stupid, but the work I do is important. No one is quite trained to take over my position, and no one is interested in taking over for me.

Weaning daughter took a sharp turn, and unfortunately she is getting very angry about it. But it's the best I can do. Unfortunately it needs to happen.

At least my games are going good...
 
May 8th, 2015

Today was decent at work, I was taught a few more processes for the job and blasted through a bunch of the training. I now know that my paycheck will have specific houred details, and I actually know exactly how much I have worked up to this point! Which is super exciting. Bad news, no medical - ever, no paid leave - ever, no child leave - ever, and no chance for full time. But that leads me to the interview today at Walgreens... I'll know if I got the job by the end of next week. Which is a good thing because they offer everything I am looking for , and are willing to offer full time if I am cross training for several departments - which I happily offered.

I had a bad day though afterwards... when I found out my tablet has bit the dust in a bad way. Super high level freak out with the touch screen... so bad I have to send it in to Asus for servicing. I actually want to cry, because it's going to take a decent amount my paycheck to ship the thing to them for servicing... But hopefully I'll have it back before I go to Philly.

THis means my roleplaying is limited to when I can use the laptop that belongs to my husband. The good news is he works most of the days I would need to use it... so I'll be using it pretty actively as much as possible till my tablet comes back from servicing. I'm going to try to poke my nose at friends about a loaner laptop.
 
May 9th, 2015

I have to say that today was stranger than others. Reconnected with people I once knew, but that wasn't what was strange for me. Today, I realized that I am completely free from things and people in my past. Oh yes, there is still a chance of interacting with them, but I realized that I'm not bound by the things they did in my life. I'm free, I'm not bound by the chains that held my wings of fancy so tightly.

Yes, I have a bit of writers block, easily removed I only owe four posts over all the sites I roleplay on. I joined a few new games, plotted a few new games... The usual stuff.

But even with the writers block, I find myself sitting and musing over the things in my life. I have a beautiful daughter, and a loving husband. A husband that works hard to support us, and I am working myself to help support us. I have a GED with Honors, which is damn good considering the difficulties I have faced in life. I realized that each thing that has happened, good or bad, it has been a step on this journey to my discovery.

As a result, it was very easy for me to realize that I am no longer bound by the things that once bound me. I realized that I am truly free for once. Yes, I still get nightmares and self doubt from all that has happened... but I am me - I am not what someone else made me to be. I have grown into my own woman, and I have actually realized that I am proud of who I am.

So here is a thank you, whether for good or bad - you are the people that made me who I am. You influenced what I grew into, even though I made the conscious choice of what those things did in effecting me. Even if I still want to say fuck you to a few people, at the same time I will smile politely and say thank you. Even to the ones that broke me.
 
Does no good to focus on the past. Very nice to see you doing so well, TDM. It sounds like you've got a lot to be proud of and those things in the past, those decisions you made, should no longer hold your focus. Rear view wave to them, baby! :D

I went through changes of my own over the years. It's a lifted weight when you realize what you are willing to tolerate and holding yourself accountable to say "no" to anything that doesn't fit that standard. In fact, some of my most freeing moments were when I completely cut out toxic people in my life. Sounds like you've made those steps in your own life and I applaud your strength. Enjoy the benefits. Leave the past buried.
 
Thank you for stopping in Rudolph! At some instances you are correct, these things are better left behind. Sometimes I just allow the individuals to remain as passing individuals in my life. I will not directly interact with them unless I have to, because we have mutual friends that I simply said "I'm no longer friends with X, because of Y - I will not make you pick your friends, but know that if X shows up at anytime... I will leave unless I am unable to go." Which almost all of my friends are intelligent enough to take it as it is, and not go "HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME PICK" - I'm a lucky duck duck with that one.

Honestly I am proud of what I have done. I love the work I have done, and I wish I could love the job I have at BurgerKing... it's not really that great of a job - but I apparently won't be flipping burgers ANYTIME soon... Apparently I'm getting front of the lined for Drive Through, Guest Ambassador, and Front counter. Being pretty, clear of speech - calm of head - and capable of smiling and not ripping throats out... well apparently that has made me prime bait for the places where I have to interact with people most.

But I don't mind that, as it's just a stepping stone of jobs. With something like this under my belt - it will be easier to get jobs in the future. I just have to remember to keep a firm notation of all the work I do there -and how it applies to a resume... as well as references and all sorts of other details.

I'm pretty big on keeping track of such things.

I'm honestly hoping for the Walgreens job... because ahhh well I get medical with that... XD

But thanks Quin, it's nice to see you around still - I DO remember you from all those years ago. XP
 
I don't buy into the "good job, bad job" hype. Like I should feel ashamed of putting in hard work, using my strengths, and getting paid. Goddamned capitalist, materialistic tripe. I'm a cashier at a grocery store by the way and my most genuine description of what I do is "I get to push buttons and make friends all day." And I get to talk about food, which is my fav subject. So, if you can find something to enjoy about your job, I'd consider it a plus, no matter where you work. Wave those dolla dolla bills in their faces as they try to tell you what you should want for yourself. :D

As far as mutual friends goes with the cutting out toxic people, I had a similar situation with my grandparents. Judgmental, holier-than-thou, stubborn and crotchety old people. There is nothing good for me either during interactions with them or being in the same room as them; no positivity, no fulfillment. Nothing. My mother and my siblings understand since they all still interact with the grandparents and invite them to birthdays and the like. They know it's not a slight against them if I'm not around when those people are. I'm not going to put any one else in the middle of that war, especially when there will never be reconciliation(just recently, my mother gushed on FB about what great friends we are and how much she adores me in her life and my grandmother commented on her status saying "That's nice." Seriously, who the fuck does that??? Wow, totally going for the gold convincing everyone you're not a total bitter bitch, grandma. :rolleyes: ).

Anyway, tl;dr, I get it. Ignore is your friend and you gotta do what's right for you. Don't allow yourself to get down and dirty with those who do not uplift you and who do not make you the person you want to be when you're around them. Another thing I've stopped buying into: you owe somebody a response or a moment of your time. Because you don't.
 
Well it's not a matter of "Good Job, Bad Job" it's a matter that BurgerKing isn't exactly utilizing the full skillset I developed on my resume for the plethora of Convention work I have done. I would prefer Walgreens because it would be more flexible with my hours, they actually support me being a mother - where as the interviewer at Burger King wasn't too pleased about it (As by law they are required to give extra types of time off to parents). Walgreens was all for it, and completely understood my availabilities. Plus, as I said, Walgreens offers medical coverage - which would be way better than the state covered medical. We could choose our Doctor, Choose our Dentist - and possibly get more help than we currently are getting. I even have the chance of full time at Walgreens (Sure I'd be working like 4 10 hr days... but whatevs!) - which would pull me and my husband, and our daughter, out of the Foodstamps system.

The good news is that a lot of the toxic people I have cut out are people I haven't had to see in years. They still effect how I think sometimes, in wondering if I am doing the right thing - and some of them still haunt my nightmares... but who doesn't have that sort of sordid past detail that doesn't pop up periodically?

I am sorry to hear about your situation with your grandparents, I only have one living grandparent genetically - and three by marriage. My mothers husband, his mother is considered my Gramma... and then I have my husbands two grandmothers... So it's kinda sweet in a way. I'm still in shock that his little ol grammy crocheted an entire set for my daughter to be worn after she was born. I was so happy to get that little hat and shawl - well two of them - we still have them actually. LOL... But family and friends can be rough, the good ones are the ones willing to respect your wishes.
 
May 10th, 2015

Mother's day, it's still very strange that I am actually a mother. A few years ago this was the month I found out several things, and had to make hard choices in the June that followed. July was a change for me as well. But this is the second year, the second year that I have had a Mother's Day... And I was so happy to see the love on the faces of the people I know. So many people messaged me, wishing me a happy mothers day. It made me so happy.

I got texts, calls and all sorts of things. Which reminds me that I have to get in touch with a few people.

Being a mother has been a wonderfully mellowing experience for me. The love I feel for my daughter has made it very hard to dwell much on darker things from my past. She is the light in the darkness, the child that I have dreamed of.

Nightmares and Dreamscapes, that's something else on my mind. Since recently I have had a few rather terrifying nightmares. For the sake of propriety I will not get into much detail on them. They involve things, people, and events from my past... but that is just that... the past. Dwelling on it will only make it worse.

I work Saturday and Sunday, as a definite. So that is good. Later this week I'll find out if I got the Walgreens job, I am honestly really hoping I get it.
 
I'll update you all as soon as I can. I have been hit by a stack of writers block, things I have to catch up on - and just general life stressors.
 
May 11th,2015 - May 18th, 2015

Well... Things have certainly been chaotic. Tons of details to give out, but not sure exactly how to phrase all of them. Things at the house are stable, mostly. We are working hard to make up the money we have had to put out (that we didn't have) when my husband was only getting 16 hour weeks. His work has definitely increased his schedule, and his next paycheck will be quite nice. Unfortunately, my first paycheck will not be nice. I am only getting about 9 ish hours on that check. It's because the paycheck on the 25th is only from the 1st-15th of the month. I have to leave a note with my husband so he'll be able to pick up my check on the 10th of June - that check covers the 15th of May to the end of May. Lucky me, I'm feeling a little put off honestly.

But my trip in June will help change a lot, hopefully. I generally make a surprising amoutn of money while there. The friend I am visiting is taking me to Atlantic City, on his dime (because he misses how much he used to make with me as his luck charm). I am also going to a huge illusionist magic show on the saturday after I get there. Two of my long term friends want to meet up the second week I am there, and I am hopefully visiting my adopted brother.

Weaning my daughter is going alright, soon will be the hard point as we will be cutting out ALL of her nursings on wednesday. Now she is down to having sippy cups of milk, watered down juice, gatorade, and water. She really likes gatorade and milk. Sometimes she likes her watered down juice, and she LOVES smoothies when we go to Starbucks. Lucky me, I have a kid that is actually quite the health nut. She'll turn her nose up at a cookie if you offer her a cracker. Smart kid, love her for it.

Work has been signing me up for more hours, trying to negotiate my visit to my girl crush. Which is actually quite a happy thing for me. I can't wait for the future. I know this isn't much of an update considering how long it took me, but it's something. My girl crush knows I'm crushing on her, and she said she is fine with it... but it's causing some chaos with me because she is now teasing the ever living hell out of me.

As a note I work Friday, and Saturday. I have to figure out on Friday if I work sunday... As well as find out the rest of the schedule as well. I told them I'd work any shift, and any day other than mondays or tuesdays. Lucky me, thank the gods they listened to my plea for my family.
 
May 19th, 2015

I'm having a bit of an emotional day, losing some games because partners are unable to do so at this time (which is ok), as well as finding out some pretty heavy stuff about people I care about. Other than that... I'm mostly emotional because soon enough my child and I are going through a large step in her growth process.

Tonight marks the last night I will nurse her at all. I started weaning her two weeks ago, and tonight is the last time she gets a bedtime feeding. I'm actually crying because I'm going to miss the feeling I get when I'm holding her. The closeness I feel during the nursing act. It's not going to be the same, just cuddling her. But I just can't keep my milk supply running.

I'm sad, and I wish it could be another way, but this is the way it will be. I have to do it, for both of us. At least she has been taking to normal foods very well - and that helps. It's just a matter of her moving another step in growing up. She's my first, that has reached this step, and I'm realizing that it's almost been two years since I held that small child in my arms and sobbed because I was finally able to do something I had dreamed of.

Emotional, as I said... I'm done for the night.
 
Aw, TDM. :heart: It's like NOW the umbilical cord finally gets cut. The actualization stage and all that independence come rushing in once she stops getting direct nourishment from you.
 
It's going to be rough, it's a loving moment for us. She's not going to understand why mommy won't do it anymore. Her crying is going to rip me to pieces. She did it with the noon feeding taken away, and the morning. I'm terrified of her hating me, even though I logically know she is too young for such things to form without some serious mistreatment. I love my daughter, more than myself - more than my life. I love my daughter more than any hatred I might hold for anyone in my life - past, present, or future. My love is so strong, and terrifying. I am just worried about messing her up, so much. I want to be the best mom for her, that I can possibly be. I'm just a little worried. I weaned her tonight, might give her a small nursing tomorrow - maybe, depending on what is going on... but likely I won't...

And in less than two weeks - I'll be gone for two weeks. The longest I have ever been gone from her. It's going to be terrifying for both of us.
 
May 20th, 2015

Today was a little more of a low key day, things were pretty mellow. I spent some time with my daughter's Godfather, and worked on some budgeting plans. I have to get a decent amount of money saved up for the convention we are going to in September, but I think we will manage it. I am also going to be working while I am in philly, so I should be able to save up some decent money on that front. Hopefully things just keep getting better, I am really hoping so.

Good news first, bad news later. My Ball jointed Doll, named Luna, will be getting a makeover when i visit my friends on monday. They are going to babysit her till I get back in June - and will be making her all happy and a new dolly. She really deserves it, and I'm glad I have such amazing friends. I'm excited for my small visit to my friends, even if it is just for one night. It's better than not seeing them at all, and I need the single day of decompression before I move on to all of the other work I have to do. I work Friday, and Saturday. I'm hoping I work on Sunday as well - I could use the boost to my paycheck on the 10th. I hope they take me up on signing me up to work whatever days I am available for, because as many hours as I can get is what I need.

My 'magical college' website is finally up and running again, and the site seems to be running more smoothly. I'm loving the Canada setting, and loving the courses. I love the staff, and I love the coursework. It's helping me regain skills I can use for college. Here is to hoping it keeps getting better!

Bad news, well it turns out that my daughter is not handling this weaning thing well. I'm trying to get a bottle going for her - and hoping the warm milk works. Otherwise, I'm not sure what we are going to do. She is not handling this 'no bedtime juice' in a good way, and her crying is making me feel like a bad mother. Back to trying to get her to get sleep properly. I hope that eventually she will sleep through the night. It is just a hope. I have an idea and I'm going to have her father help me with it as soon as he is inside. She isn't super awake, but I'm hoping she's awake enough to eat a small blend of warmed milk and baby cereal. It might sit heavy enough in her tummy to make her sleep long and deep.
 
May 21st, 2015 and May 22nd, 2015

This is a little late, but I still plan on getting you guys updated on what is happening in my life. So on the 20th, we completely stopped giving my daughter breast milk. The last two nights, that followed, to this morning(the 23rd), have been absolute hell on my sleeping schedule. I had people offer to help with her bed time, since I had work on Friday, but it didn't work out too well. They 'conveniently' forgot their offer, and I had to get up several times in the night, to care for my daughter. In total, I think I got 4 hours on the first night and 2 hours on the second. But the 21st, was a little exhausting. It was payday for my husband (thursday), so that meant handling a lot of bills.

We went out for breakfast, got coffee, and even went to goodwill. I found a pretty stellar messenger bag, that is also a laptop bag, but Samsonite - it was only 8$! It's made of real leather. I found that pretty darn cool, in all actuality. So now I have something to haul my electronics around, as well as something to use for the back and forth to work. I also can use it when it comes time for my flight to Philly. Which will be fun in and of itself! Heck yes!

I did a lot of catch up to this day, and managed to get pretty caught up on almost all of my games. (though that's not the case on the 23rd, anymore.) - I am also a member of an online magical school, not HiH anymore - a different one, and I have been catching up on all of my lesson 2 coursework. I think the only work I have left to do - is Wizarding History and Writer's Block. Which is pretty cool. I'm all caught up except for those two courses, and the quizzes I can take once professeurs can grade papers. :D

Overall, a rather uneventful but exhausting couple of days.
 
I'm still around, still alive. Going to come up with an epic long journal post soonish... probably when I get home. It'll detail stuff from when I left till when I got back... so huzzah... XD
 
Catching up to date
It's been awhile huh? Life got a little crazy there, and I just lost all the drive to continue to write. Well on a 'blog/journal' basis. It was just not something I was interested in, and I kind of lost the drive for a bit there. It was a little bumpy, given the time of year it was. This is a particularly rough time for me, because I have now passed the three... four? I can't remember... it's an anniversary of when I lost a child that I wanted rather badly. So it was a little rough. Given some of the things that happened in my life, time tends to blurr a little. But that's ok, it's just how things go.

I am working rather well, and the new job was going ok. I got a lot of good reviews from the people at work, and I was learning a lot. Then I went to Philly...

I was in Philly from June 1st to June 15th. I can say it was an absolute blast. I went to the airport pretty late at night, not many people. Was having some flying anxiety because I am not the best of people on planes. Ended up smoking several cigs before I went to enter the TSA line. I got on the plane shortly after nine at night, and then I didn't land in Philly till six in the morning. Shortly after landing my friend was there to pick me up. It was awesome to see him, since it had been almost two years since we had seen each other. He took me out to breakfast shortly after, and I scarfed down a bunch of food.

Since I wasn't feeling the jetlag, or any sort of time disphoria... we decided to hit up Redding Terminal and downtown Philly. That was after I unloaded everything and figured out what I was going to do. That was Tuesday morning (2nd) and it was a blast. We walked around Philly for a bit, and then went for lunch at Pearl's Oyster bar. We got back to the house and settled down for a bit, ate dinner which was some sandwhiches we ordered in a stand inside Redding Terminal. Have to say, some of the best damn food I have ever had.

I actually didn't crash till pretty late, but I made an effort to make sure I called my daughter to wish her goodnight. The next morning I woke up to my friend telling me we were going to Atlantic City, it was his treat and he was giving me gambling money. I wasn't allowed to spend any of the money he gave me, his sort of 'apology' for being out of touch for so long and being unable to do more for holidays. Really I think it's because he considers me the closest thing he'll ever get to a daughter, and he wanted to make sure I was cared for.

So we headed to Atlantic City, checked into our room - and then went up to the Suite that the Casino had given him. He gets a lot of comps because he goes every couple of months and spends several days in a row gambling, he's got the money for it - and nothing to use it on - so why not? So I went out with him to play black jack, and we just played until the wee hours, he went to bed before me. I went back to the room and took a nap, and then we went out for breakfast. On the 3rd, first day at the Casino, we actually went to a place inside the Casino a sushi place. It was absolutely delicious!

Thursday we had breakfast in the Casino and went out on the board walk to go do a little shopping, I got myself a new vape pen (Heck yes!) and then we went back and had a bite to eat. After that we went straight to the tables to play Black Jack some more. We played for a few hours, before going to dinner.

He headed to bed somewhere around 12am-1am... and I stayed up till 6 am. I hadn't intended to but I met a kick ass guy, in a friendly way, and we ended up playing black jack together! I finally took a nap at about 6am, got up at 9am... and we finished up everything we were doing. We headed back to Philly and just hung around the house for the rest of the day. Not much happened on Friday, but on Saturday I went to a weird magic show. The guys cellist was the cellist for Celine Dion, and it was really interesting to see magic from the side of someone that knows all the tricks... He tried to pull one over on me... and actually laughed when I told him how he did his trick.

It was pretty fun, and went out for Sushi afterwards. I spent the next couple of days not feeling too good, caught plane crud... but on tuesday(the 9th) my friend ended up getting really really sick. Since he's an older guy, and almost never gets sick, he got hit pretty hard. I was a total mother hen to him and did the best I could to take care of him. He got so frustrated at me taking care of him that he literally threw money at me on the 11th and told me to get out and go bar hopping for a little bit. He just couldn't stand me asking him if he was ok, and shoving ibu down his throat when his fever spiked.

But Friday he was feeling much better, so we went out into Philly again. Mostly because he felt bad that he hadn't been 'taking care of me' like he felt he should, he dragged me out and took me around Philly. We went to the Oyster House, and ended up stuffing our faces. Though I had intended on only one half dozen of oysters... he ordered a special platter when I wasn't looking... and even started buying drinks for me. It was kinda cool, and he even though it was hilarious that I actually randomly found someone I knew from Portland visiting at the same time. We ended up all chatting for awhile, before heading down the South Street, and I hit up a few shops there.

Saturday I went out with my adopted brother, his girlfriend, and an old Rp friend, and we all went to see Jurassic World. It was hilarious, funny, and absolutely amusing. We went back to Philly, from where my adopted brother lived, and I made dinner for them. We ended up hanging out and drinking till around midnight, and made plans to hang out again the next day. It was exactly what I needed, and it was a lot of fun.

So sunday was just hanging out, playing games, cracking jokes, and being generally moody.

Though I did have a strange situation arise, good strange. You see I have had a huge crush on a friend of mine, and admitted that crush. My husband is in full support of this, and suggested that I do more to show my interest. So I bought some lingerie and took a few pictures, and what I got in return was pictures of them in a more revealing form of their costume - mind you this was after I helped them by finding them an open chest binding technique so they could be more comfortable with themselves and their cosplay ( not to mention how hot it was! YIKES!) - but it was a bit of a blush fest for me.

Monday... the 15th... if was finishing getting ready to go home and then heading out. I was almost killed by my friends ... partner? I guess you could call them that? Their partner drove me to the airport and was driving 100 down the highway... took an exit at 80/90 and nearly hit a semi. I was shaking when I was dropped off and smoked through four cigarettes I was so freaked out. I got on the plane, went home... crashed curled up in bed with my daughter and husband.

I haven't had work as so far yet, and I am trying to catch up on writing. It's just been a normal couple of days with very little to remark on.

So yeah... if you have any questions, I'll answer them, for anyone that is reading this.
 
July 2nd, 2015

Basic update? Things kinda exploded after my last post, A flurry of activity in my life. Also a bit of depression. Started finally working again, caught up on all my posts, and even signed up for college. I'm going for my placement tests next week, as well as orientation and then will proceed to get ready to meet with my Personnel Adviser for College. Student Aid is turned in, I'll know if I get it after August... and I can start signing up for classes after I talk to the Adviser. Going for an Associates in General Education to start. Will also be taking Japanese, Spanish, and American Sign Language... to help better my language skills (if there is enough money left for all of those) - I am also considering taking a Dance course in order to increase my activity.

Now for the bad shit. Friends dying, family moving away... a lot of weird shit. Furthermore, lucky me... I may be getting on workman's comp... no that is sarcasm. I got injured at work today, went to the Er - ER doc thinks I may have a Sciatica issue thanks to the spill I took at work. (Freaking greasy stuff on the floor, when there is enough doesn't matter how 'non-slip' your shoes are... something is bound to happen). So on monday I have another appointment to see if the weird stuff has subsided, the muscle spasms in my right leg - the twitches.. the ants crawling up and down my skin on left and right leg... cotton stuffed feeling in right foot... burning/tingling/cooling sensation in right and now left leg... HUZZAH! If they persist than on monday I get an MRI...a fter the MRI it'll take a little to figure out if I need to do any form of treatments... figure out how long things will take... and figure out how long I'm out of work for (For whatever my happen if a procedure or something is needed as well as how long 'healing time is' before I can return to 'light' or modified duties.) Which will liekly include not doing anything that will aggitate my injuries... which will basically mean me not getting scheduled till I can return to normal work duties... yes... fuck today.
 
July 4th, 2015

Things are still a world of living pain. I'm stretching myself thin trying to keep myself from going absolutely crazy. The pain is overwhelming, and I'm reaching the point where the pain killers and muscle relaxant are not working. I may have to make another visit to the ER, depending on how I feel tomorrow. That would be annoying as all hell, but I would do it.
 
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