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Why Do People Cheat in Relationships?

I don't condone cheating in the slightest, I never have and never would cheat. My friend, however, recently cheated on his girlfriend. I gave him an earful, and his explanation was- "I love her, I really do, but our relationship has been sexless for 6 months now, and no matter what I do to try and change things, nothing seems to work. I feel unwanted, unloved, like she doesn't want to be with me, but I need her in my life, and I do see my future with her. But, if I carry on like this I feel like I'll end up spiralling into depression, there is no intimacy anymore. I just, needed to feel like someone wanted me, you know?"

Again, I don't condone it, and there is never a real excuse; my friend told his girlfriend that he had cheated on her straight away, because he couldn't hide something like that from her. I have no idea what's happened since.
 
Because we are all imperfect sexual beings that enjoy novelty, who are living in a culture built on strict monogamy. And because there is so much shame placed on these perfectly natural impulses, and we wish to save face with the ones we love, we end up sneaking around and have affairs.

One of the most enlightening books I have ever read on this particular subject and the subject of human sexuality as a whole was Sex at Dawn. It is definitely a good read. It takes into account anthropology and evolution to explain why we act the way we do.

Sex_at_Dawn_Ryan_Jetha_2010.jpg


I should probably put a DISCLAIMER here and say I DO NOT condone cheating in any way, shape, or form. I am for being honest with ones self with who they are, having open and honest communication between partners, and negotiating appropriate expectations and boundaries. I only wish to shed light on the question of WHY we (or some) act the way we do.
 
The answer to this question is simple and there is no reason to complicate it,: "PEOPLE ARE JUST STUPID"

I am no different, once upon a time I was single and desperate, a drunk friend who missed her husband offered herself to me, and first I did the right thing and told her no. She was very harsh with her reactions, and I left, and then took a cold shower.

Then she came to me sober. Her affections were genuine, and damn it I am only human...

Anyways, after a shit ton of heartache we all made our peace with each other. I geuss this is just one of those situations where you have to fuck up first before you truly understand it.
 
But how is it that cheating or bein the other man/woman should be considered inherently stupid? Is it not possible for any circumstance to occur in which adultery is a valid option? And why do different people have different ideas of just what constitutes cheating and what doesn't?
 
Ignis Gehenallis said:
But how is it that cheating or bein the other man/woman should be considered inherently stupid? Is it not possible for any circumstance to occur in which adultery is a valid option? And why do different people have different ideas of just what constitutes cheating and what doesn't?
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I think most people's reactions to cheating and calling those who do it "stupid" is in the same vein as saying that people who lie are stupid. Like when I'm babysitting and I ask my little sister if she did her homework and she says "Yes". She's failing the same year for a second time. If she needs help or didn't do it, why? Why's she gotta fucking lie about it? Does she seriously not understand that we will all find out when we get a call from the teacher? No, because she didn't think that far ahead. She just doesn't want to do it now and she'll do and say anything to not have to do it now. It's not "stupidity" in the way of "Wow, that person has mental issues" because the problems of lying and cheating are inherent in all of our natures. Some of us are better able to plan ahead and balance selfish desires against the future, long term benefits of keeping a stable relationship. Not smarter. Less rash.

But to ask if those who make a general, broad-sweeping statement are indicating every scenario where it might be plausible for cheating to have good benefits(laughable but nice try) IS stupid. The topic is "cheating". Breaking the relationship boundaries set up by the pair or group of individuals in a relationship based on mutual respect for each other and the consent of all parties. I cannot imagine a situation where cheating would be MORE beneficial to someone than just leaving. If there is, then I challenge you to prove that's cheating and to defend the justification of breaking those agreements that are made when you become intimately involved with someone in a relationship. Because the implication in cheating is 1. being with someone else other than your spouse/significant other who you are officially "with" and 2. lying about it/doing it without the person you're in a relationship with's consent.
 
There is never a good reason for cheating.

Not getting the sex you want or need at home? Get a divorce and then explore your options. Don't fucking cheat.

Your SO is crippled and can't have sex? Discuss an open relationship. Don't fucking cheat.
 
sex has nothing to do with love. The sooner we can get past this misconception the better.

Growing up we are told our entire lives "you should have sex with the person you love." This is a flaw, and this is wrong. What this does is instill a sense of sex=love in children. And when they get older and hit puberty and start experiencing sexual desires. They confuse these sexual desires with love, ie "I want to have sex with this person so I must love them." This can carry all the way into adulthood, ruining relationships, (I don't want to have sex with this person anymore, I don't love them anymore.).

What we need to instill is a strong sense of communication and realize that your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of (Thank you religion and my parents, who taught me to suppress it and that it was a bad thing.) Most americans don't recognize their sexual desires and where they come from, and even if they do we are so programmed to be awkward and closed minded about it.

As for the cheating, it's been mentioned here. Something is stale in the relationship, sex has probably been lackluster and/or non-existent. For the most part each person still cares and loves the other (See where that sex=love gets in the way), but maybe the drive has worn off. Maybe it's just the same song and dance every time. Someone wants excitement, that spark of when the relationship was early. So instead of discussing this (because we are trained to keep this shit to ourselves) an opportunity arises for excitement. It's a thrill.

Saying, 'don't cheat' is fucking asinine. Everyone knows you aren't supposed to and if you think otherwise you are blatantly wrong. It's the heat of the moment that swallows people up in it, that rush. Do you honestly think the vast majority of these people are sociopaths who are out to do everything they can to hurt you? If so you are wrong and do not understand how people think/work, which is why the conclusion that it must have been done to intentionally cause pain arises. In small cases the person is a coward and cheats as an excuse for YOU to get them out of YOUR life (which you should have seen signs long before this that the relationship was over/coming to an end.). Other cases people 'do' care but have not received enough attention from their partners (physical or otherwise. Neglect falls in this category as well.). Needless to say, there are usually signs before cheating occurs but there's never discussion about it because people don't know how to voice it, or even recognize it themselves. SO many reasons out there it would take me too long to review them all. A relationship is 'always' 50/50, even the end.
 
DJBayview said:
sex has nothing to do with love. The sooner we can get past this misconception the better.

Growing up we are told our entire lives "you should have sex with the person you love." This is a flaw, and this is wrong. What this does is instill a sense of sex=love in children. And when they get older and hit puberty and start experiencing sexual desires. They confuse these sexual desires with love, ie "I want to have sex with this person so I must love them." This can carry all the way into adulthood, ruining relationships, (I don't want to have sex with this person anymore, I don't love them anymore.).

What we need to instill is a strong sense of communication and realize that your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of (Thank you religion and my parents, who taught me to suppress it and that it was a bad thing.) Most americans don't recognize their sexual desires and where they come from, and even if they do we are so programmed to be awkward and closed minded about it.
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I think I kind of disagree in that 1. sex doesn't need some level of "love" to be good and 2. that when people say "have sex with the one you love" they're necessarily saying you must be madly, deeply in love and in a committed relationship with this person. I think that in this case, love, being such a strong word, is a generalization, a warning, that if there is no feeling of similitude with "love" then the sex will probably end up being empty and meaningless for either or both parties. I do not believe in casual sex, in "glory hole" sex. I personally believe, that kind of sex can be damaging to a person's self-image and general well-being. I do believe in non-committed sex, which in my opinion is different. Fuck buddies, even at their most basic level are somebody who you know and who cares about you, and they're usually chosen because of a connection, a chemistry. Chemistry doesn't happen in a vacuum of emotionlessness. Sex is just masturbation without intimacy, in my opinion. Even a whore will pretend to love you for $300.

So, I disagree only with the fact that when we say "love" we mean, "be with you forever, there is nobody else" type of love.
 
I disagree with the whole "sex isn't love" view myself, because I refuse to have sex unless I'm in love with the person. Period. So when they cheat on me, it hurts that much more then someone you're just casually involved with.
 
This is going to sound incredibly general, but in my view, love simply means different thing to different people, period. There's no one right definition. For some people, it's passion, for others, it's a deep-seated commitment of a lifetime. Rather than arguing with whether sex is love or what is love or who to have sex wise, I think it's more productive to simply find someone whose definitions and values match yours. As for cheating, well, live and learn. If you are a loyal and faithful person and refuse to tolerate anything like cheating, then you should look for someone likewise, and odds are, you eventually will find someone like that. The cheaters can go mingle amongst themselves. =D
 
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