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Why Do People Cheat in Relationships?

Yoshie

Yoshie

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You know what I don't understand? I dont understand how a person can cheat.​


What is the point of cheating? You get nothing from it... and all it does it cause problems for your relationship. Why do it? Why waste time with that person just to end it on that note?


If anything I'd prefer you to tell me "Hey look... I'm in love with someone else." And I would understand. I mean it would hurt yes. But it wouldn't hurt as bad as finding out someone cheated on you. It wouldn't hurt as bad as finding your man with another chick. Or vice versa That shit hurts!


So why do it? Why not just end it peacefully? Save the heartache save the pain. Save the drama and the arguments. I think imma make a thread about this and read other peoples opinions about the topic. Yes.

Please comment your thoughts below I would love to read them.​
 
I completely agree. If you are unhappy just say so. Or just... like leave. I dunno I'm always the one left thinking I'm the one that caused the bad relationship.
 
Wanting both a lover and a stable relationship sounds very convienent for cheaters. In our eternal struggle for safety, we don't want to leave our significant other unless we have someone else assured; being alone is definitely the worst outcome... I've seen that more than once.

Also, humans are weak, simple as that. Temptation is everywhere, and depending on each one's morals, some might see cheating as something easy to justify ("See, it's just sex! I only love my partner, so it's okay!"), but that's a really controversial matter. And of course, some people cheat on their partner without caring at all, but then again, we can be pretty fucked up sometimes, so it shouldn't be a surprise. Fear of telling the person you're cheating on is also a very imposing thing, so many prefer secrecy over saying the truth.
 
Well if you get to the point of cheating you either are not that invested in your relationship in some ways, so who cares, or you are just a selfish drone who is just out to get whatever you can. There are various shades of stupidity in between, but those are the two that I have mostly seen for those who have cheated and I have known about, or heard the stories from those involved. Temptation is there, but that I see as an excuse, because you can be tempted and resist as what you have is better, so there should be no need to do so.

My view on keeping a stable relationship has always been - if I can't keep one person happy, what makes me think I can do different with more?
 
Some people are just sociopaths who get their kicks from doing it. Others are just morons who do it for nonsensical reasons (See 99% of Jerry Springer episodes for examples).
 
I guess I am looking for any logical reason as to why people in general cheat. I've been cheated on; I've seen people cheat and I still cannot understand how you can do that to a person? Doesn't it hurt you to see your lover hurt and knowing that you caused it?
 
It's hard to approach matters related to feelings using logic. Some people just don't care about what others feel, or, if they do, they give more importance to the "profit" cheating would imply...
 
As someone who has been cheated on twice, I hate it but now at least I know why in both cases. He wanted to do things sexually that he was far too embarrassed to ask me to do. It sucked to find out after he cheated because yes indeed, I had (and have) no problem with dressing up in costumes. He ASSUMED I 'wasn't that kinda girl,' so he tried it with someone else. Some people treat their spouse/bf/gf one way and want to do something kinky with a separate person because he/she doesn't want to blur the images of Lady and Whore. That's 2 reasons why.

Another reason is the BBD, bigger better deal. Painful but true that some people will have someone only long enough to find the BBD. The good news is that if he/she cheated on you with someone else, that exact someone else will be cheated on next. If someone cheated on their man/woman to be with you, they'll later do the same to you.

Also, opportunistic instinct to spread your genes far and wide will happen. Eyes wander, interest can wane, stress, children, work, finances, etc. Some people will use anything as an excuse. In the end, I think it's dumb to bother with a so called monogamous relationship if you wanna be a cheating dirtbag. Just be honest!
I so agree with you Yoshie!
 
Thank you so much for clearing it up for me Dogged. I am hurt... Im still recovering but in the end I know that cheating no matter what the reason is stupid and in the end Karma is a bitch.
 
Well most of the boyfriend and girlfriend relationship are impure right from the start so meaning that relationship was born out of lust then turned worse. Most of the victims usually take revenge by cheating on others as well, thus spreading the deformed relationship like a cancer.

Lucky me I haven't got a girlfriend but still I was fortunate to experience fucking a massage therapist and a GRO.
 
Well, all of my relationships were in a sense agreed upon. So I guess assuming the relationship is a real relationship and the female or male in question is doing their best to uphold their end of the bargain... then what Drexel?
 
I feel it really comes down to people seeking something else that they can not obtain in their current relationship, or just wanting various types of experiences. If it gets to that point, you really need to look up the definition of a true relationship. But yes I agree, how does someone successfully live two or more lives at the same time while cheating?
 
I've noticed that if one person or the other feels that they're 'settling' for 85 percent of what they want in a person, they'll end up cheating. So while one is saying yes this is a good relationship, the other is holding out -mentally- for that bigger better deal that will never come along. This isn't just a guy thing. There are many females who think all men have to be a total prince to be perfect and accept nothing less.
 
Yoshie said:
Well, all of my relationships were in a sense agreed upon. So I guess assuming the relationship is a real relationship and the female or male in question is doing their best to uphold their end of the bargain... then what Drexel?
Click to expand...

Bargain? So you mean the established relationship is based upon a contract or a deal? No doubt that kind of relationship will turn out badly to both sides. You mean to say that if your BF doesn't get to bed you for the night then he could go out to look for a cumdumpster, is that the deal with your partner?

In a relationship you foster and give love to someone, without expecting something in return, love is playing a gamble to be played up to the end without forcing your way to win, you'll give everything you have regardless whether it would be thankless or not. This is how you stay faithful to someone you love, you don't demand love from your partner. If your partner cheats then let the relationship end there without bearing a hard feeling in your heart or forgive your partner if you still choose to love.

Nowadays, most young people have a shortsighted view of what a man-woman relationship is intended to. Demographics from pre-teen uo to the late teen usually based their relationship from just a simple attraction, that's why they don't have a mature sense of starting a relationship other than the basis of flirting and sweet talking and of course, stuff check(masterialism).
 
I know a girl who cheated on her fiance.

After she was found out, I saw her lying on the side of a bait/fish and chips shop in my home town crying and drinking, she told me what happened, and when she told me... I didn't feel sorry for her, the fucked up thing was?... she expected me to, she expected her boyfriend to as well.

She told me she cheated because.
1: Her boyfriend has a belly, the one she cheated with is a lifeguard (ripped and attractive)
2: She felt like she had no "excitement in her life"
3: Her boyfriend wasn't spending much time with her.
4: She thought it was going to "teach him a lesson so he'd spend more time with her"

This is what I told her (numbered so I could give my responses to each of her "points")

1: So fucking what!? that is without a doubt the most shallow, selfish thing I have ever heard of in my life.
2: So you thought you'd just fuck someone else for kicks!?
3: Yeah, because he works 3 jobs, how ddo you think he was able to afford that holiday for you both to Fiji last year!? how many jobs do you work? oh right, NONE!
4: at this point, I could barely speak to her, all I wanted to do was kick her with my steel capped work boots till she stopped twitching, all I could say is "If that's the way you think.... you deserve to die alone" then I left.

cheaters make up excuses, they do everything they can to try and paint themselves as the victims, why? because they wanna have their strawberry cake, and eat the chocolate one too! they want to give in to the slightest temptation and still have their "safety net" ready and waiting, and as much as shows like "desperate housewives" "Neighbours" "bold and the beautiful) etc... all want us to believe, cheating does not make the victim want to look at the cheater's perspective, it ruins trust and destroys love.

On the bright side of this, I went to my mate's place (the one who was cheated on) after I ran into his now ex-girlfriend and found the very same lifeguard at his house, the thing is, he didn't know she was already in a relationship, he thought HE was her boyfriend. After they had this cleared up it turned out he's actually a really cool guy.

In fact we went out drinking on new years eve together.
 
Dogged said:
As someone who has been cheated on twice, I hate it but now at least I know why in both cases. He wanted to do things sexually that he was far too embarrassed to ask me to do. It sucked to find out after he cheated because yes indeed, I had (and have) no problem with dressing up in costumes. He ASSUMED I 'wasn't that kinda girl,' so he tried it with someone else. Some people treat their spouse/bf/gf one way and want to do something kinky with a separate person because he/she doesn't want to blur the images of Lady and Whore. That's 2 reasons why.

Another reason is the BBD, bigger better deal. Painful but true that some people will have someone only long enough to find the BBD. The good news is that if he/she cheated on you with someone else, that exact someone else will be cheated on next. If someone cheated on their man/woman to be with you, they'll later do the same to you.

Also, opportunistic instinct to spread your genes far and wide will happen. Eyes wander, interest can wane, stress, children, work, finances, etc. Some people will use anything as an excuse. In the end, I think it's dumb to bother with a so called monogamous relationship if you wanna be a cheating dirtbag. Just be honest!
I so agree with you Yoshie!
Click to expand...

I never got why people don't just ask these kinds of things.

Hell, you're in a relationship with each other to the point you've been inside each-other! (tongues, fingers, dicks if it's a guy-guy thing whatever) what the hell is so bad with saying "hey babe, how do you feel about getting tied down and teased with toys 'till you're begging me to start fucking you?"

Honestly, Having a loyal, sweet, dependable partner is perfect for 90% of the time, but in the bedroom (or hot tub, or kitchen table, or bathroom floor etc...), you want an insatiable whore/stud, and you'd be amazed what some people are willing to do if you just ask them to.

honestly I'd rather have my partner thinking I'm into things she's not willing to do than betray her trust and destroy all we've built by doing it with someone else... and what is all that "not that kinda girl" talk? I honestly have talked to hundreds of drunk girls and girls who just don't give a fuck who they're talking to, and not one of them, not one has ever said "he wanted me to wear a nurse outfit and I was like, no!" but I HAVE heard drunk girls say "He asked me to wear a sailor moon outfit (both were big sailor moon fans) so I cut a slit out in the panties!"

We all want to please our partners, anything we do that drives them wild is something we enjoy doing because it makes us feel desired, makes us feel wanted, and honestly, it's fun! and it makes no sense to go and cheat with someone because they're afraid of asking their partner to do something they may very well like doing or wanna do themselves!

Sorry this didn't really fit into the rest of the discussion, but I wanted to comment on that one bit of your post... "didnt think you were that kinda girl" so he cheated, the fuck!?
 
Thanks Ivory,

Robbie was an idiot. Too many people assume things about me in person because I'm only 5 ft tall. They ASSUME I'm a delicate little dolly and not a real adult human being. He treated me like a breakable toy and thought he'd have to go to someone else for anything other than vanilla missionary. :mad::mad:
 
OMG Thank you all for your imput. All these reasons and more. I will give a snippit from my journal. The reason I came up with this topic is because:

I came back home and it was hell. First before I left my house to go on said trip I went through my BF's phone. Yes, I know the saying: Don't go searching for trouble. But I had too. His face stayed in his phone. It would ring all times of the night and the pop of text messages could be heard from 12PM - 2AM. So I wanted to know who was calling and texting so late.

I read one sentence that fucked up my entire night.

Bad News Babe; shes not leaving till next week.

So that would imply that you were gonna bring her over while I was on my vacation! I was livid. I was... hurt. I tried to make my heart go numb just to forget about it. Go back to Warcraft... go RP on Bluemoon... but the words echoed in my head. That tore at my heart strings and rips my hopes and dreams to shreds.

As I continued through his phone apparently there were others who found interest in my BF. So, hes apparently talking to all of Maryland. At that moment in life I wished with all my heart that I didn't love him as I do. That night I packed up all my shit and told him I was leaving. But in my heart of hearts I knew there was no where for me to go. I have no family, no real friends... where was I going to go with a shit ton of bags?

His reasons were that:

  1. You want sex too much
  2. You are always playing a game (When hes always on Mass Effect)
  3. We had a 3-sum with my cousin and now he thinks I like his cousin more than I love him (When I see his cousin as a older bro now)
  4. You never dress sexy anymore (I can't when we need to buy food in the house and pay bills)
  5. You never go out with me anymore (How when we obviously broke to the point of starvation?)

So for all these I have comebacks but I know that no other female will put up with the shit I do. With all my men.
 
You may as well ask why people kill, steal or commit suicide. In every single scenario of cheating, there will be many variables at play leading to the situation. As much as any of us who haven't can sit here in self-righteous judgement of everyone who has, we don't know what it's like to be them. I don't know that you can actually answer that question without having a certain amount of sympathy for the devil.
 
This is true but at the same time I try to evaluate the whole situation and every scenario. All I am saying is; at least with me; give me a reason why. Don't leave me hanging. There are so many diseases that come from sex and fucking around on a person. I cannot fathom being faithful to someone and then them coming home and telling me they have something that they cannot get rid of and could have possibly given it to me.
 
This might be interesting to you. As might Lady Chatterley's Lover. Art often imitates life, after all.

But I think that there are multiple ways to define cheating. Or perhaps to categorize it's viciousness. And I also think that there are emotional contexts to take into account.

For example, would it be different to you if your partner cheated with one person than if they had done so with many? And which would hurt more? After all, if there was only one other woman/other man, you're eventually going to ask yourself what they'd had that you didn't... Or what if your partner was only tempted into a kiss before realizing the mistake they were about to make and backing off? That's still cheating. Perhaps moreso if, even though they didn't do anything beyond kissing, they truly desired to.

And furthermore, would it change the situation at all if it later came to light that a person cheated because they were being abused/neglected in their relationship? What if they saught sex elsewhere because their partner lost all attraction to them but didn't want to give up their shared lifestyle? Do these things make any difference at all?

What I'm saying is that if you actually want to truly understand why people cheat, you'll need to set aside you're own hurt, fear and/or judgement, to look at the act for what it is rather than what society says it is.
 
You all can go ahead and burn me at the stake for this but... sometimes, cheating seems like the only good option you have. I'm not saying that it's actually a good option, but at the time that's what it seems to be. It gets complex when you genuinely love your significant other, but you're also riding the fine line of when your relationship is turning stagnant, and your significant other tells you that everything is perfectly okay even when you try to talk to them about it. What do you do when you love someone who doesn't seem to put as much effort into a relationship as you are? You'd think the right answer is to break up with them, but that's hard... because you love them and don't want to hurt them. Or maybe you an't leave them because you share financial ties with each other. So as you bottle all that up inside, you start for yearning for something - anything - and when that opportunity comes along, you make a mistake and it's all over.

Cheating isn't a nice feeling to go through, no matter how good the 'in the moment' feeling is. In that regard I have sympathy for cheaters because most of them aren't proud of what they've done. And like all others, cheaters deserve forgiveness and kindness just as much as the next person. Of course, if they aren't sorry about it then there's no point in wasting time and effort on that hoe, but I think it's important to show them that their one mistake (if it was once only) does not define them and their morals for the rest of their life. That is, assuming we're talking about a one-time cheater and not the chronic soul-suckers who like to keep multiple people plus back-ups 24/7.

I will now comment on something earlier from this thread:

She told me she cheated because.
1: Her boyfriend has a belly, the one she cheated with is a lifeguard (ripped and attractive)
2: She felt like she had no "excitement in her life"
3: Her boyfriend wasn't spending much time with her.
4: She thought it was going to "teach him a lesson so he'd spend more time with her"

The key things to point out here are that she felt she had no excitement in her life and that her boyfriend wasn't spending much time with her. What a shitty engagement they were both in, don't you think? It's not just her fault, you know. I think it's safe to say that lot of physical attraction to a significant other stems from the emotional closeness you have with them, and if there's emotional distance, you start seeing more and more of their flaws (emotionally, mentally, physically, etc.). I don't know the entire story, but if she had talked to him about spending more time with her and he just never tried, then he had a hand in pushing her away. Granted, it's never right to cheat on a boyfriend/girlfriend, but it should be understood that a relationship is a two way street; you actively seek the satisfaction for yourself and your partner. And if you aren't doing that, then that's a problem that often leads to cheating and bad breakups, etc. The deterioration of a relationship starts when one person starts to neglect the needs of the other, whether that's physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or whatever. The love and trust has already started to fade away.

Anyway, I read something interesting a long, long time ago on why people cheat, and I remember there being two kinds of cheating: physical and emotional cheating. Unsurprisingly, most males are worried about their girl committing physical infidelity, and most females are worried about their man committing emotional infidelity. So with that tidbit out of the way, why do people cheat? For a variety of reasons, but the most common seems to be the unwillingness to give up the security of a stable relationship at the risk of potentially ending up alone. Someone had already mentioned it here, I think. Having a significant other and a lover ensures that you get the most emotional and physical fulfillment you can get. It's said that men who cheat want physical attention whilst women who cheat want emotional attention and affection. Obviously, the reasons are going to differ from person to person, but if you want more general reasons, those are it.
 
That made me think of something else, Ariamella. Men are given as much societal pressure to behave in certain ways as women are. It just so happens that some of those ways are to not be weak, to not complain and to solve your own problems. It's a bad thing, if you're a man, to need help. Combine that with the fact that many men instinctively, subconsciously attempt to impress their partners by behaving swith the utmost masculinity and your faced with many emotionally volatile possibilities.

One thing you might begin to realize (that might not cause cheating, but will certainly help it to occur) is that most men are taught in subtle ways, starting in childhood, that it's more acceptable for them to emotionally hurt someone than it is to appear weak in front of them.
 
One I got given for cheating was you would do it on me. We were all sat next to one another getting e-mails off him the worst thing was he didn't know we were all friends doing the same child care course.
 
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