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Deep Cover - Gang themed RP discussion.

November[S n o w] said:
He doesn't even seem to have an attitude~ In my opinion anyhow.
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His post back to Seraph reads very sarcastic, for one. As if challenging the views rather than expressing an honest desire to learn why Seraph thinks the way he does.
 
Kikora isn't really the type to shit with people.

Dude, Dameon, you character's approach to doing illegal shit is in all reality pretty amateur. He drives around in a bright yellow sports car that's clearly way too expensive for his look, he goes around shooting people with fifty caliber rifles from short range (which, FYI, can be heard from around a mile away), he confuses slang terminology for drugs (calling tweakers crackheads, cooks chemists, thugs rollers; no one called joints reefers after the 1930s), and he's way naive (e.g. he's talking about how immoral it is to sell to junkies who probably stole to get that shit). News flash, homie; bottom line, if your character gave two shits about anybody he wouldn't be working for an organization that facilitates the sale of meth.

Also, so, think this one through. You're riding back from having killed seven people in cold blood with a gun that's illegal for you to possess--what with being military hardware and all--and you're already a known criminal. Otherwise, why would the cops be infiltrating? They only bother with people on their radar, which means previous arrests, if not convictions. Anyways, you're riding back home, so what do you do in your eyesore sports car that is clearly way too expensive for you? Toke a fucking joint. The risk ratio of what the character Dameon was doing there doesn't make much sense.

I honestly skipped through the sex scene. Otherwise, barring the sex scene I've yet to read, I'd say you really need to work on showing and not telling. Trying to narrate your story is one thing when you've found an effective voice to do it with but you haven't yet. RPing is a good, positive way to improve your writing in your long term by getting a lot of regular practice. However it's not any way to make drastic improvements. That involves writing prose and telling others who are not intimately tied with your work to dissect it in critique. If you would like that, go to this site, sign up for their forums and start submitting your work. It's a small, shockingly skilled set of writers who love critiquing work. Almost all of them are published in one format or another. The blog is also a good resource.

Stop abusing the comma. Stop stop stop. It is facilitating some unwieldy run-on sentences. I would like to reiterate that this is not the proper venue for expanding your creative writing capability beyond serving as a way to get in extra practice.
 
Those were all pretty good points for what the character was doing. I think it's pretty obvious I have no idea what to do as a crook, and I was pulling from more liberal story telling done in certain movies. It's been a very long time since I've done any sort of story telling that wasn't involved in some sort of over the top fantasy realm. It's going to take some time for me to get back into a setting where real repercussions are at every turn. While not something I'd want to do at every possible turn, since that could very well slow down an RP to a crawl, I'm going to need to take into account more things you'd see in the news, and less things you'd see in say Crank. At least, if I want to keep the role play a bit more grounded into reality.

As for my use of commas, that's something I've caught myself doing a few times. I guess I do it more then I realize.

About the character's terminology, I agree. I'm pretty much out of touch with a lot of the terminology. I pulled out reefer while looking up synonyms for joints in an online dictionary. >_> About the Naivety, I wanted him to seem more...out of touch rather than naive, so as to sort of explain a lot of things he did. I guess that didn't really come across.

Appreciate the comment.

And I'd like to note, I wasn't trying to be sarcastic to Seraph. I may have had my hackles up a bit about the Sue comment, but wasn't trying to make a sarcastic comment.

I do appreciate the points people have been giving me, I just prefer ones, like Zomibe's, who actually have things I can improve on. I was hoping to get a bit of input from some people here like I would from an English Lit teacher. Less formal, obviously.
 
With any role you really have to do your research. After all no one can be expected to know everything about a particular subject so to play a character efficiently you have to understand their world. I can't give much input on that since I know nothing about that way of life, and it's not really one of my interests.

What I will say is something touched on earlier about the personality of your writing style. What I was trying to say is that you're writing the same way you'd talk, and that's not really something you'd do with the type of style you're trying to put into the RP. There are just some things you want to avoid, like putting in comments describing equipment as "Like some retarded" anything... Or beginning sentences with "But man". It makes the post read as very very young, rather than the mature point of view of a hardened criminal.
 
Again, the thought was to make him out of touch, have a somewhat erratic mind, rather then being cold and calculated.

I guess I wasn't portraying that very well either. =V I'll work on it.
 
What I read struck me as very purple prose, especially for a criminal persona where I think you'd be more inclined to use short, clipped and straight to the point statements.
 
Nihilistic_Impact said:
What I read struck me as very purple prose, especially for a criminal persona where I think you'd be more inclined to use short, clipped and straight to the point statements.
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Known problem of mine. Working on it. =P
 
I can understand him getting defensive as he asked in Questions and Seraph told him to put it here. He wasn't sure if this would be the right place to do it, asked about it, and was given an answer by an admin. That seems like a pretty trustworthy answer from someone who isn't familiar with all the big dogs at the top. Just my observation here. ;)

And don't fret. As long as you want to get better, you will. I suggest reading some books to get a better feel how dialogue flows and how to effectively describe things. And I have to agree with Kikora here, you might want to read up on something before you RP it. I figured this was common sense as I do it without thinking. To help illustrate that your character isn't in touch with reality, maybe he should suffer from hallucinations or follow some arbitrary eating schedule. You could also have a more grounded/realistic character be his friend who asks him if he's okay or suggests he needs help, but that would only work will if you make it known a little better how space cadety your character is.
 
I really need to buy some better books. The last books I bought were...written for the Aliens vs Predator universes like 10 years ago. =C

Before that was The Color of Magic. That book was fucking awesome.
 
Reading List
  • Survivor, by Chuck Palahniuk
  • Kiln People, by David Brin
  • Hyperion, by Dan Simmons
  • Blade of Tyshalle, by Matthew Stover
  • Naked Lunch, by William S. Burroughs
  • Thief of Time, by Terry Pratchett[/list:u]
 
Well in that case.

On Killing by Dave Grossman
Murder Inc., the Story of the Syndicate by Burton B. Turkus
Dune by Frank Herbert
Anything by H.P. Lovecraft
Kushiel's Legacy by Jacqueline Carey
Prince of Nothing by R. Scott Baker

I could go on; but I'd need to know as to your taste.
 
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