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Flirting/Looking at someone else's SO

Rudolph Quin

Mistaken for some sort of scoundrel
Supporter
Joined
Aug 2, 2009
Location
here
Hey, so, this has been on my mind recently because a friend of mine at work became upset because some gal was making eyes at her boyfriend. Being a really flirty person myself - but not one to pursue anything beyond words and looking - I started to question how many people think it's wrong to look or flirt with someone else's significant other.

What do you guys think? Let's say you're like me who has no intention of pushing things further, is it wrong to flirt with or appreciate and look at a person who is in an intimate relationship with someone? We're not talking about whether this someone would cheat or if they'd flirt back or any of that; is it wrong to just look even though you know they belong to someone else?
 

Arrabella

Planetoid
Joined
Sep 2, 2014
Location
UK
With no intention of doing anything, no, its not wrong... unless a) you're the type of person to make impulsive decisions and your intentions might change or b) you're actually in the presence of the SO - because then it can feel like a dismissal of their relationship.

I get it a lot seeing as I the girly type of lesbian who likes girly girls too. Whenever I've been to a LGBT bar people have assumed that we're just friends because one of is isn't a butch and I've seen people only hiton my GF or have been hit on myself. If my SO was being looked at by another girl I'd just flash whoever was looking a smile and then kiss my SO to show she's taken... or If my SO was checking someone else out I'd still kiss her, her attention will come back to the right place soon enough. That's if you don't know the third party though, If it was someone that one or both of us knew I'd just make sure to refer to my SO as 'my girlfriend' a couple of times in conversation to get the point across.

For overt physical flirting though like a lingering hand on the leg... that crosses a bit of a boundary and I'd (being passive-agressive) say something like "Hey, you two going to get a room for this threesome? If not I'd like my girlfriend's leg back".
 

cupcakemon

Super-Earth
Joined
Aug 23, 2014
Location
Oregon
If you're not going to do anything or attempt anything then no. If you are then yes.

I mean I flirt a lot but that doesn't mean my SO isn't the object of my affection he/she knows they are more important and that nothing will happen. Just like if they flirt I can know nothing will happen. And people can flirt with us, in front of each other or not. Just as long as it doesn't cross boundaries. I think as long as you and your SO have an understanding that flirting is okay it just can't get to physical flirting and it can't get that far. Nor can the flirting get to joking about breaking up. As soon as flirting turns into flirty jokes about breaking up with the SO people get mad and feelings get hurt.

Flirting is harmless unless it pushes physical boundaries or turns into jokes about break ups. I mean, I don't mind it and I do it, same with people that I've dated. As long as there's an understanding about things. Even when I flirt with my friends girlfriends or boyfriends I always assure my friends that nothing will happen and they understand that. Flirting = okay.

Unless the SO is really possessive and easily jealous. Then run. No good comes from people like that.
 

MissClover

Super-Earth
Joined
Jan 9, 2014
Location
USA
I went to counselling at the beginning of this year and one of the things that was brought up was how I flirted a lot. But it is just my personality. It is who I am. Hell, I even flirt with my mother. And I have no intentions of getting it on with my mom. But that is how I was raised. I never thought of flirting as a bad thing. Infidelity, yes. But not flirting.

Flirting is an act that we can share with a stranger to boost egos and make us feel good. I don't see why that would be wrong? And that stranger just might have a significant other, but it doesn't mean flirting has to stop.

Like others have said, flirting is okay if it doesn't go past that. But then it wouldn't be flirting. But if you want to dig deeper, maybe you should look at the different types of flirting. . .

Softcore Flirting - Cute Compliments, batting of the eyes, exchanging smiles, winks.

Suggestive Flirting - Making gestures to sexual acts, kissy faces, licking lips, sucking on fruits, or breaking the personal bubble like footsy...

Hardcore Flirting - Talking about actually doing things together sexually, more physical interactions like slapping an ass, sending dirty pictures...

Softcore flirting I believe is extremely harmless. I think it is the purest form of flirting and is very much okay, whether you are with someone or not. I think this is even other when with someone who is jealous because these are simple interactions. They do not have to be taken for more than a friendly exchange. If you are with someone that is jealous for you smiling back at someone that is smiling at you, you might what to get out, or have a talking with them, because jealousy over that is unhealthy.

Suggestive Flirting is where the barrier can be crossed in my opinion. Who you are and who your significant other is or the other person's significant other is plays a big role on if this would be considered okay. I wouldn't flirt with someone who has a possessive or jealous partner. Not only could that be stirring up shit, but I could be causing them to get into arguments and that is not what flirting is supposed to be for. However, given the right people and their relationship with their partner, this could okay.

Hardcore flirting is wrong to do with someone else's significant other unless there is an understanding, like an open relationship or anything of those sorts. And if you are taken as well and flirt with other people in that manner behind your partner's back, that isn't right either.

So all in all, I believe it depends on the type of flirting that is going on. That's my two cents. ^_^
 

Bool

Meteorite
Joined
Sep 4, 2014
Location
MN, US
Even if you don't intend to go beyond flirting, their significant other doesn't know what your intentions are. In a circle where everyone knows each other they can generally assume it's just harmless fun, but for all strangers know you mean business. Maybe they're insecure and possessive, or maybe they don't like the vibes one guy/girl in particular is giving off.

I don't like talking about right and wrong normally. More concretely, it doesn't cause any harm to flash a flirty smile or admire someone who's already taken, but the further you go the more you're implying that you're serious and the more you're getting into the physical/emotional space that's normally private. People are eventually going to feel like you're intruding, and they're going to get hostile.

I think that's really what it comes down to: being disruptive. Persisting when you can see that someone's bothered or going past a somewhat vague point is disruptive, but flirting in itself can't be said to cause harm or even cross a boundary in all cases. Hard to claim that you're wronging people by doing something they don't consider bothersome.
 

Ms_Muffintops

Supernova
Joined
Oct 12, 2009
Location
Drury Lane
Personally, I do not like it when it is intentional. Some people just have flirty personalities and regardless of gender, sexuality, etc. they will act flirty - this means complimenting, teasing, etc etc. And that's not a problem.

But to flirt with someone because you think they're cute, you got a little crush, or reasons similar to that I think one should be aware that this behavior could be interpreted in many ways and often it is perceived as advances or hints of interest. If you can help it pay some respect to the boundaries of their relationship.

In the past I was rather open minded about this and I can be understanding to a degree but flirting can be very misleading to people and lead to some unnecessary drama. This is from personal experience. My boyfriend was a bit of a flirt and his best friend who was female was also a flirt. So of course... they'd flirt. I knew on his half of the deal it was harmless but the girl was rather promiscuous and had very openly stated interest in getting into his pants. Often the flirting would get beyond suggestive in nature (such as her talking about how she wouldn't mind him bending her over a table) and I found myself having to bite my tongue. But eventually rumors surrounding them began to spread and I constantly had friends in our social circle coming to me showing concern about what was going on between the two of them. I tried to ignore it but people continued to hunt down signs and proof that there was more there and it began to take a toll on me. I was especially offended when people would straight up ask her what was going on and she wouldn't deny it, she'd just tease the idea of something going on between them.

I eventually went to him with my concerns and told him it was becoming too much. I told him all of the rumors that were spreading and informed him that she wasn't exactly denying it. This pissed him off so he went to her and told her it had to stop. She got pissed off at me and told me she could flirt with and fuck whoever she wanted when she wanted. He told her if she didn't back off he'd have to end their friendship. She didn't stop and they are no longer friends.

It caused a lot of drama and since then I like to extinguish that shit before it even begins.

That woman flirted because she lacked companionship that she'd get from a partner, yet she was also a commitment phobe so she never went as far as to enter relationships with men. Instead she'd boost her ego as it's been said and found ways to feel desired and wanted by flirting with other men and receiving reciprocation. Not just my boyfriend but married men as well - she just felt my boyfriend was the easier target since he and I weren't married. This is when it gets into deeper issues. Like... why do you flirt? I think she did it because like quite a few women (unfortunately) I think she valued herself based off of her ability to attract men. My boyfriend was a constant challenge for her, and his flirtations probably boosted her ego, and she was probably convinced that deep down inside he probably was attracted to her and desired her. But then she was proven wrong and when that had to stop of course she got pissed off.
 

Trygon

Supernova
Joined
Jan 8, 2009
Location
Bremerton, WA
My SO flirts ruthlessly at work, but she's cute and receives tips - I'd be pretty stupid to bitch about something that's bringing in money (And is relatively harmless). I get a bit tense when she talks about it, but mostly because I worry for her safety, not out of jealousy.

For my part, I only flirt with people that I suspect wouldn't mind threesomes~
 
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