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The Tome - [Seiken's Journal]

It's my birthday today! Waking up to the call from my mum wondering when I want to get picked up, I told her "Laterish" and I went straight back to sleep .I didn't manage to get out of bed before 13:00. Not sure how I felt abnout it all as I was planjning to get out of bed around 11:00, but oh well. I came to my parents place where they had a huge dinner prepared with family members. My family practice the aristocratic etiquette and everything was just... lovely. Do excuse my poor english and wording - I am rather tipsy as I write this due to cognac and wine. Quite the starter of the day, no?

Either way, I was picked up by my mum and we went to some stores before she took me to their place. I got to "choose my own b-day gift." By far as exciting as unrwapping gifts, but now I get things I need/want at least. Got some clothes and something something other too~ Just had the dinner now and waiting for sokme more fguests to arrive before we're serving the dessert. Afdter the dessert I will be taken to a friend of mine's place and we're going to party with ther students. It's the entrance-week in the student society hnere in Norway and everyone is paryting for a week. thonight is the biggest parthy thouigh since its friday.

I should shtop wrioting more as it kinda makes me ashame dof myself to "practice" thisd poor english. See you all tomorro0w for and update!
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAxgroUXtcM

There, just had to throw out the song above. Play it as you read this and I'm sure you'll find reading this post as delightful as I find it to write it. Hm, it would appear that... my tome reached a second page yesterday. I guess I was too tipsy to notice yesterday. And just looking at the grammar, well, spelling first of all makes me cringe. Either way, I can more or less write what I want here as this is my "online domain". Allow me to write a little bit more about my birthday yesterday... Waking up, I was a bit upset with myself that I slept for as long as I did. It's my birthday and I should get as much as I can out of it. *Shrugs* But I can do whatever the fuck I want on my birthday basically, so I decided to come to terms with my actions. Just to sidetrack there; a "cute" story from when I was younger - I was in kindergarten and it was next to a forest. So we had a rather good access to sticks and whatnot. Well, on my birthday for many years ago, I got one of those sticks and I messed another kid up. Oh, I messed him up good. To this day, I still question why I did it, but it was done. So coming in to class again, one of the other kids told on me. The teacher squinted her eyes and looked at me before smiling. "It doesn't matter. It's his birthday today, he can do as he wants". Everyone's jaw dropped to the floor. I don't blame them, I was shocked myself. If this is all because of the family name or not, I do not know, but it was kinda awesome. Today, I have taken that with me and I am kinda grooming it. No, not by beating people up and having the police let me go as "it's my birthday", but I kinda do things at home or with friends without consequences. Within the limits of reason of course. I like to believe that... I am a decent human being.

Ahem, but over to the day. Mum picks me up, we go around to shop a little bit as I have already gotten my "big present" which is the latest LG-phone 2 months ago(I needed a phone then and got it as an early gift). It was one of the days when I didn't really mind hanging around like my mum... She was nice for a change. Haha, long story there, but to make it short; She had a stroke and has been rather difficult to live with ever after. Onwards - I bought myself a lunchbox. It's one of the small things of the day that I appreciate. I needed a lunchbox, I got around to do some research of which one I want and I found a deep purple one. It was big and firm, just the way I needed it.(This sounds soooo wrong in my head right now, but I am really just talking about the lunchbox here) After that, we went over to their place which was decorated in all festivities that you could imagine for a day like this. Many family members were there, and after dinner it was cake-time, which I kinda forgot... But as the saying goes "There's always room for some cake." So I tried to practice that, but.. I managed one bite of each cake. *Sigh* First world problem much? By the time I had finished tasting the cakes, my dad had pushed on me cognac, wine and whatnot so I was really tipsy.. which I believe led me to write everything above. Anyways, I looked at the clock and started to get phonecalls. I was missed at the student-party. And without anyone sober to take me, my mum decided to be kind again(Twice this day! =X) and take me there. Arriving in new stylish clothes (I was looking f'ing good!) and a majestic tie, I entered the house which lifted the roof in a birthday song. They even hired in this guy who did beatboxing to sing me a few birthday songs. While I find several versions of birthday songs on a birthday rather cheesy, I was quickly caught up in his skills in beatboxing instead. All through the day I heard people saying "Dude, you need to have birthdays more often! They rock!"

Ah, but the night was young and there was much to do and see... After going for a few hours, we took the bus into the city nearby and got off. We had been at the student dorms where they lived and was vorspieling there, but the big party was at the student house(a chillout place for the students basically.) Coming to the entrance, we were met by two big guards who was checking for ID. Not bringing my wallet as I thought I wouldn't need my drivers licence, money(as I brought with me drinks) etc, I let it stay safe at home. However, there I stood before two guards. Being rather tipsy, perhaps nearly drunk, I sighed and walked past them as I said casually "I'm Mathias <Lastname>, It's my birthday today". I was later told that they had been looking over their shoulder at me but proceeded with their job as if nothing had happened. I... am not too happy how I used the "treats" I was born with yesterday as I like to work for my fame and whatnot. Ah, but either way, I guess I looked above 21, haha. Which I am. So at the party there was a lot of people. People sitting outside and inside, hanging over the edge of the pool and even a few swimming about. Going inside to "check out the crowd" I met some familiar faces. I won't go into the details of the party too much, not because I don't want to, but because I can't. A lot of things got.. quite murky~ Either way, we stayed for a while, having lots of drinks, shots, laughs and the likes, I met this old friend of mine there. She said that she was kiiinda homeless at the moment, but only because she didn't have a place to stay(Well duh - Hehe, what I mean is; she have the money and everything; there is just not physically any place that is open in the area) So drunken me did the gem of offering her to stay with me till she either found something else, or just to stay. I have kinda been looking for one to share the rent with for a while, and it's purely in the interest of sharing the bills. Either way, I don't remember what she answered, but I guess I will find out through the day or evening as we're going to the same party.

But then at the very end, I met a very good friend of mine's GF. I didn't knew she'd be there as she told me she'd be partying in the city nearby, but here she was! Sober! Driving! Haha, she was my ride home. Lucky me, as I had taken on the "adventure of finding home". I am sometimes not a very smart man... Especially not when drinking, haha! Oh well, we drive home and I get safely there. Getting on my computer, I... I see my ex online. Well, perhaps not ex, but.. we did date for a while. She was on cam! Won't go into details there, but... It was an awesome end to an awesome day.

I definitively should have more birthdays a year...
 
Ahh, work. Why are you the only place I can sit down to write? I would really like to have the energy, patience and sparetime to write at home. But oh well, this isn't too bad either. Having subordinates working in my place as I can do some paperwork here. Oh, and of course sneak out into here through a proxy~ Yesterday, one I have been talking with for a little while skyped with me. It was really nice to put a face to writings. It was a pleasant evening where I felt I made a new friend of sort, although our relationship might become rather professional if she should desire it. This being because of a certain interest she has shown towards my studio and one of it's "Shadow-services". You all might wonder what these are, but discretion is our guarantee and thus I won't say~

I seem to have come down with something. At my brithdayparty with the students at the vorspiel, a very good friend of mine was coughing a bit now and then. I sat next to him, so I guess he kinda gave me something. I told him, and he blamed another guy. And I told the other guy, and he blamed a chick. It's interesting how a disease can spread like that, but it only shows how personal health should be practiced better when one is ill. Either way, having an annoying cough(Very weak, yet annoying) I woke up to a sore throat. I can feel my thoughts being clouded already as if I had a fever, but to a very minor case. I have light cold-sweat and generally feel uncomfortable. The times someone makes me -really- aroused, my language fails and my mind becomes clouded. It's more or less what it feels like now, but to a minor degree.

But fear not, I have the perfect cold-cure which I call "The Norse Remedy". It's a remedy passed down in my family and is really effective. Always have cured the illness by the beginning of the 4th day. It's more of a ritual than a remedy per say, but the whole ritual is called "The Norse Remedy". I won't go into details about it here, but if anyone is really interested - PM me. I might just let you onto it. Although, the remedy takes time, patience and money. Three things I barely have these days. Well, I have money, but not the most essential criterias. Patience and time. Sometimes I even try to embrace the cold by "Viking" my way out of it, something which have left me with... rather interesting results! For example one time; I got rid of the coughing, headache and sore throat, but the fever got three times as bad. It felt like I was horny all the time and I had this warm and content feeling rushing through my body for two days.

Oh, but I enjoy experimenting a little bit with the common cold. It's rather amusing how we can cure deadly diseases but not the most common one. Without a PHD in this, I believe it was something about the cold having just a too wide aspect of virus/bacteria and they mutate faster than we can come up with antidotes - if any!

But let's get back on track for the kinky things in life! Yesterday I was supposed to meet up with a girl I met on a place on the internet. A kinky-place that is. Although, it being my day off and everything, I felt too powerless due to the brewing of a cold that I told her that we should postpone to for example Thursday. At the same time, a different girl from that website contacts me and tells me she wants to meet. Not sure what to say, I tell her this Thursday. However, the students I partyed with on my B-day is throwing another party which they said, and I quote "This party will hopefully match your birthdayparty!". Feeling a bit obligated to go, and wanting to make new friends, I need to eventually cancel both of my dates(which will be on the same day. =.= ) To then attend to the party. This weekend I have promised myself away to a friend-date with my close friend's little sister to make sure she's cooping fine after the breakup and.. well, get to know her a little bit. She's geeky and everything, and I don't see why we couldn't be just friends. And to top it off; I kiiiiiinda promised an old man to help him move this Saturday. Well, I said "I will see what I can do, but I think it should work." Was my exact words. Prioritizing my friend's little sister first this Saturday, I need him to either wait till Sunday(which he have said is an alright time too), or say that I simply can't. "Life got in the way." (The old man is.. well, the local drunk, possibly pedophile and total creep. Why I offered to help him? I'm a nice person and he can be really friendly and kind as long as he doesn't drink... heh.)

Either way! Prioritizing ahead...

Today, I will relax. Tomorrow I will get a lesson in ordering of "Exotic goods" as the CEO so elegantly put it. Thursday, I will push the girls from the kink-site away as they appeared at a rather... well, stressful time in my life where I am not looking for dating IRL per say. Saturday I will already have told the old man I will help him on Sunday, so I can hang out with the little sister. Sunday I will be helping the old man move, and on Monday again... I will be starting my first day officially as the Boss of this Branch. And to top it all off; If my friend decides she wants my Studio to help her out, I will have to weave her in into all of this~ It's all so crazy that it might just work. Although, I need to keep my head cool and thoughts calm. My brewing cold isn't helping here. I've been told by my subordinates that I seem rather depressed and sad, but I was rather surprised to hear this. I can't say I have noticed any change at all in how I am, but I guess it's all with the diet I am on. I eat properly and healthy now, but I think it's just the transition that shows its colors.
 
It's a funny thing; I wanted to write but looked for places to write before I sat down and "Oh, I have a Journal I can write whatever the fuck I want". Yeah, I'm tired alright...

I feel like this post will mostly be about bitching, whining and... well, the likes. Although, I am not really sure if that's how it's going to turn out. I might just talk about unicorns the entire time! Speaking of unicorns... I remember one time I had been playing so much games that I had a bit problems telling IRL and IN-game apart. Sounds scary, but it wasn't as scary as it sounds. You see; I had been playing a game and there were some unicorns and something in there(This was a rather long time ago, so don't quite remember the details), but after I was done, someone asked me if I had seen any unicorns lately as a joke, and I started to think "Yeah, where did the unicorns live again?" I don't feel too smart thinking back to that moment, but... Well, it once happened! Haha, I've reduced the amount I game greatly since then and have a just fine grasp of fantasy and reality. Although, I work towards many of my fantasies to become reality~


Ah, my eyes burn... (Yeah, this is when the bitching starts!) I got under 2 hours sleep last night, or... earlier today as.. Well, I had business to take care of. Really hoping I would get someone to take my shift in the last minute, I kept on working. That was sadly not the case and I need to pay the toll for that I sat down in a chair I have which is kinda comfy, but not too comfy. If I get under a certain hours of sleep, I go into a trance where I need to be physically woken up by someone else if I am to get up on a special time as my body shuts down. However, if I push through to 1-2 hours or so, it's possible to wake up by myself but there is no guarantee. So going to sleep in my chair makes the sleep so uncomfortable that I can wake up by myself and an 'okay' portion of sleep. Not the best, but... I need to sleep a little too. Although, the feedback of this is burning eyes and a transparent feeling. You know, the feeling I described some posts ago.

Lately I've had the urge to play Metroid: Prime on Gamecube. For those of you who don't know of it; You're a space bounty hunter whom goes through ruins, alien homeplanets and whatnot to hunt bounties. It's a lot more exciting than I can elaborate to you right now, but I have a rather fascination with the game. You see, I'm quite the pervert. No, really - I can be a huge pervert. Best part of Mario 64 was the kiss at the end from peach. Haha - well, perhaps not best, but it's in top 5. My deal here is that; anything that's romance, kinky or rather feminine in games; I love it. As in feeling an attraction there, not feeling at home(Don't mistake me :p) Although, in Metroid... Sure, the main character is a girl, you clearly see the armor expand because of her bust, and you can even hear her moan and reflection of her eyes in the visor, but there's something there that doesn't trigger the whole... pervert in me. I don't think there are any other game that I've played that I've managed to live into more than that game. To take on the role of Samus, the bounty hunter as I fight space pirates and look through ruins for ancient artifacts and suit upgrades. And then what really gets me the most riled up.. "Phazon".

Quoted from Metroid.wikia.com
"Phazon, as coined by the Space Pirates (formerly referred to as the "Great Poison" by the Chozo), is a highly radioactive substance originating from the planet Phaaze, known for its extreme mutagenic and energy producing properties. Though at first glance it seems to be only a radioactive substance, it is also organic and has displayed signs of sentience as well."

While the very idea of radiation is rather repulsive(Yes, I know how much that is going about daily), the phazon intrigues me. It makes me forget everything about anything. I remember my first encounter with it and I felt like I was discovering something really serious. Seeing how the phazon would react to Samus' suit, how the 'bust' would be brushed by an orb of phazon, I didn't react. While it's kiiiiinda sensual as fuck, there was nothing. It was just me(as Samus) and the phazon there and then. I was surrounded by dangerous phazon and I needed to choose my footing wisely as one mistake would mean the end of my life.(I live as if there are no extra life there). I guess it's a game with an element which brings out the true gamer in me rather than the usual pervert~

Ah, but I doubt I will get around to play some Metroid anytime soon. It doesn't feel like I have time for anything these days. I sleep all day, work all evening and stay up all night. But when I get my hours changed this... Monday, I really hope I will be able to get my life a bit more back on track. Sleeping all night, working all morning and being up all afternoon and evening. The way it should be, no? Besides, it will give me a proper sleep rythm, my body can function properly(not that it isn't, but not optimal) and I can more or less participate in any events that I get invited to. I spoke with my maid recently as well and she said she is willing to go down a few bucks. Well, let me put it in a different way; She thought she charged me too much, so she offered to clean either more or cheaper. Being satisfied with the way she does things, I told her that she can get paid less instead. I told her that her honesty brought her respect from me and offered to keep her "high pay"(in her eyes) because of it, however, she said she didn't feel right about it. *Sighs* I really love honest people... <3

So being at work now, I know the first couple of hours are silent, slow and easy. It's very nice as my assistant haven't come in yet. Heh, this time next week, I wouldn't even be here yet! *Smirks* Oh, how I am eager to start my new hours... More paid and better hours.

Let's talk a little about my diet! I started a diet a few weeks ago where I noticed I had gotten a bit bigger than I am happy with. So I thought; "Alright, let's go on a diet." I don't have the time to work out too much, and I usually eat a lot of junk, so I thought that if I could just eat healthy instead, much would be done. So cutting out all sweets, soda, fastfood and such, I am eating vegetables daily, fruit for lunch and breakfast(a yoghurt as well for breakfast) and a proper dinner with meat and fish(sperately from day to day of course) Already after the first 2 weeks I started to get compliments. I haven't noticed any difference, but I guess others would be better at telling, no? It's quite the self-esteem boost though, although I wouldn't say I need it. The boost that is. I sometimes get fancy too and make myself a smoothie. It's... kinda challenging as I don't have a food processor yet, but I am getting creative! By mashing bananas and adding tiny diced pieces of grapes, apples, pear, kiwi etc, it becomes almost a dessert. I have a couple in the freezer which I hope will turn out like "ice cream" in a sense with the bananas, but we'll see! It's going down either way. *Nods*

That's another thing about me by the way... Whenever I see fruit and the likes, I really grow hungry. Doesn't matter if I just ate or whatnot, but seeing fruit posed in.. well, a fresh way, I really feel how I want to bite it and savior the great fresh taste of it. I played Donkey Kong earlier this summer and came across this scenery; https://skoce.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/dk3.jpg While it's not the best picture I could find of the level, you kinda get the idea how the level is "built up" by them and posed in a way of "freshness". All over the level was grapes, banans, mango, papaya, banan etc etc. *Sigh* I wish I don't react the way I do to it as it kinda sucks eating a nice delicious dinner, go playing the game and get all hungry again. But I guess I just really love fruit~ But I also love meat, so.. I'll cut it short there.


I feel like writing more, but I am not too certain what I should write about. Hm. In between these lines are a lot of stalling. Perhaps you already can tell. Or perhaps nobody is even reading this journal and I've written soon over 2 pages of text which nobody reads, haha! Well, I know that there are a few who reads it. And besides, It doesn't matter if people are or not. But it makes me kinda happy to know people are. While it might not bring me closer to them, I guess you can say it makes them come closer to me? For what purpose - I do not know. Although, crazy things can happen. One of my closest friends met this guy at a kiosk while filling out a lottery coupon. He was asking if they had any coffee, but was directed to the gas station down the street. Going the same way, she kinda slipped out "May I catch a ride?" before blushing all red and covering her mouth. She wasn't one -at all- to approach strangers, but she really needed to go there for an appointment or what it now was. He smiled and said "Sure." Long story short - They got married and are now looking for a farm in Denmark to buy together. While her lottery ticket maybe didn't go in, I'd say she did indeed win a lottery~
 
My previous post(See the 'little' guy above) was apparently the biggest one I've written so far. Ever finished doing something, taking a step back to admire it and thinking to yourself "....I can do better."? No? Me neither - but I kinda feel like it right now. So with that said, I want to invite YOU on a journey together with me as we together dive into the world of... well, my life I guess. I will tell you about the way I became rather... fluent in English(For those who haven't understood it yet - I'm Norwegian and our language is FAR from English.)

So! Before we start... Let's have a beverage, shall we? Since it's morning for me, I will get myself a nice cup of coffee. What will you get? A coffee too? Don't worry, I won't judge you if you decide to get a beer or even a drink~

...
...
...


Got it? Awesome - let's start together.

Many many years ago(Alright, not THAT many years ago. PS: Awesome start), I was going to High School. It was during one of my English courses that I got an assignment to write a story in English. Thinking English was stupid and unnecessary at the time, I didn't care about the homework, I had no interest in it. So I decided not to do it. However, my English teacher was fed up with me not doing my English homework and called my parents, which was furious to say the least. Being quite high on the straw at the time(Those aristocrats), it was completely unacceptable that their son was skipping homework and the likes. So they put me in front of the computer and told me to write. Thinking it was all so stupid at the time(Heh, me as a teen..), I decided to do it just to get over with it.

However... (The coffee is just what I needed), I started to think; What do I want to write about? It was a rather open assignment and I could pretty much write what I wanted as long as it was in English. I had always liked games and such, finding myself fascinated by lots of different roleplaying game. So, I decided - I want to make a story where I am the main character. Kinda like a paper and pen(PnP) RPG. However, getting the idea as of what to write was a bit difficult at first, but once I got a vague idea, it was like dropping a mentos into a diet coke. My head exploded with creativity and ideas. Although, I quickly put the cap on so I wouldn't lose all my ideas. But knowing what I wanted to write know, I started. Sitting 6 hours straight, writing without going to the bathroom, drink, eat or anything, I constantly wrote. I'm sure it wasn't even a pause to sit back and think "Uhm.. what should happen next?" No, it was all writing. So, after that, I was kinda happy with my story, but I was about to pass out as I had never worked so hard before. It became.. 20 pages or something?

I delivered it the next day, and got the grade on it after that again. -2(I guess in America this would be a D-) The reason why I got a such bad grade was because of my English. By not paying attention in class earlier, I had of course next to no English education. The only reason why I didn't fail the assignment was because of my dedication. My teacher saw that I had put a lot of work into it. Going home, I was sad and terrified of what my parents would say. But my brother was home at the time instead of them and he praised me for it. He said the plot was amazing and it was a shame I sucked at English (His words :< ) cause it would make a really good story. My parents came home later on and didn't care much about hearing what I had to say. They were happy I didn't fail, but not pleased with my skills.

But a couple of days later, I was sitting in my room and thinking a little bit. The story itself was indeed good, and I still had that bottle with diet coke(metaphor for a head with TONS of ideas ready to burst out if given the chance), so I decided to create the story again, but doing it right. Starting off really carefully as I still sucked in English, I made sure to proof-read every sentence like 100 times before proceeding to the next one. At the time there was no such thing as "google translate" so I couldn't write in Norwegian either. But my Sister was doing lots of exams and such, and had an Norwegian-English book laying around. Asking REALLY nicely if I could borrow it, she for some reason found my very appearance at the time to be rather annoying and threw the book after me. The book landed sideways and the hardcover got really messed up, but the pages were still in order so I did the best I could with what I got.

The book made me look up next to every word at first, but I then started to recognize words and their understanding. Even how they were spelled!(All of this is written on a computer without the spelling-check in the browser by the way, so SOME words might be accidentally written incorrectly.) Although, that alone wasn't enough. In class at school I started to pay attention as I knew if I worked really hard and actually -learned- what the teacher was telling the class instead of just complying with assignments, orders and getting "good grades", then I could make a truly great story. (Little sidenote; I could read English rather decent all the way, although, I wasn't too good to write it. I have a Turkish friend whom I speak with now and then. He gets really frustrated by talking to me as I write so fluently compared to him and he is so sad that he can't express himself well enough in English while I more or less can. Exactly how he is feeling was I feeling back at school when I actually tried to learn) So, by paying attention, I learned grammar. And grammar made me able to form proper sentences in the story. Sentences became paragraphs and my vocabulary grew of each word I wanted to use but didn't know yet(Again; I could read English alright, and knew more or less which word to put in, but I needed to learn its true meaning before I could use it correctly). At the time, I was starting to play WoW(World of Wacraft) and with it being an MMORPG in English, I read and wrote English every day. Exercise helped me there, and I was soon trying to roleplay for the first time in the game. It was a great day, and much fun! I remember playing a gnome in the human capital; Stormwind, which was placed in an orphanage because the priest in the church next to the orphanage stole my pants.(This was before the pedophile acts by priests around the world was known in the media and such, so imagine the irony!) I was put there with some other guys roleplaying as gnomes, which kinda went as children for the sake of RP. I won't go into the whole detail about the RP here, but it was much fun, and I was sitting up for many many hours, enjoying new friends in a different language.

Back in school my grades slowly rose. I had reached a 4, 4+(our system goes from 1-6, so a 4+ would be a B- or so) and we got the choice to do French, German or Math(I have no idea what the system was doing, but I chose French(I really regret doing so(No offense to the French here! - I just have more use for German these days than French.))) However, since I took French, I also got some extra hours of English. Not sure why, I went to these classes as well. It was mostly more writing assignments which really intrigued me. It didn't took me long before I was getting A's after those courses and eventually graduated from High school before starting College. However, in the meanwhile, I was roleplaying and accidentally stumbled upon ERP - Erotic Role Playing. Roleplaying as an old man in one of the taverns in WoW, I was approached by a young girl which was a bit curious where I stayed the night, etc etc. Taking her home to my place(a vacant house I RP'ed was mine) I let her stay the night. After carrying out a scene which was VERY ALIKE the scenario of when I lost my virginity, I had my eyes opened a little bit more to the erotic pleasures here in life. Really getting blood on the tooth(a saying here in Norway, meaning more or less that you get the taste of something sweet, and suddenly you crave the entire cube of sugar), I started to approach people with ERP in mind. My ways of doing so was... not the most elegant one, to say the least. I was banned a couple of times. However, failures breed excellence. Taking the time offline while being banned, figuring out what got me banned and how I should approach people, I came up with some shady methods that worked. While I won't say the methods were really shady, it was all about playing a little bit with the subconscious part of the human mind.

But one day, I was asked if I was on a special WoW-ERP site. Not knowing about a such site, I asked a little bit about it and found a whole ERP community inside WoW. While I won't give out the name here for several reasons, I dove into it and got my eyes really opened. There was wow-porn everywhere, forums where one could look for in-game fun, not only in EU, but US too!(Although most in EU - yeah, we're some kinky fucks). Spending a couple of months just looking around before even daring to make an add where I was looking for a woman to play with, I started college in real life. There my English education journey continued and the story got more pages. I did, however, suffer a little setback when our English teacher was changed out and we got a substitute teacher who was fucking HOT!!! - You might wonder why that was a setback, well, I couldn't focus in class. That's why. I would do all of my homework as I usually would, I was the best student there, but I could have been so much better if she didn't have the rack of an angel, bubbly booty and an alluring voice. It actually got to the point where I considered skipping some classes as walking around with a boner was getting too awkward.

The next year of college was better as our teacher was then an old bat. While I didn't care what my teachers looked like or behaved, I cared about what they were saying and teaching us. And sadly - from the very first day when I started school as a toddler, I was ALWAYS in the "Noisy Class". I swear, every class I was in, in every school-year of my life, it was "the noisy class". And after the teacher spending half the time calming us down, it was sooo little time left to do exercises, being taught grammar and whatnot. *Ahem* But that wasn't the point here. The point here was that; my new teacher was alright to work with. She had it out for me as she saw I had some decent grades and was really testing me all the time. Even had me speaking loud in class more than the others. While I didn't mind as I took it all to contribution towards my story, and even my communication skills in English(I was starting to Raid at the time in WoW and wanted to show off how good I was in English, haha) She had a fetish for horror movies as well, so she would always make us watch one or two horror movies a month, telling us about it, but sitting in the back of the classroom under a blanket while we were watching. It.. was a bit special, as I think we all knew was going on, but I found it to be kinda awesome. To be that kinky in the middle of class. Inappropriate, sure, but I didn't mind. And the rest of the class didn't either as they "got the class off for education and got to see a movie instead". Heh, in horror movies there aren't too much talking either ways, so I dunno what it all was about.

Back to the Online part, I was doing a few roleplays with people I met at the ERP community in WoW. However, feeling that I wasn't doing "enough roleplays" as I could sit and roleplay all day at the time, I was refered to a different site. This was F-list. While most of you are aware of what kind of a site F-list is, I saw that there were always someone online F-list whom wanted to roleplay. So going there, I started to roleplay a little bit. It went great in the beginning, however... something big happened. As I was roleplaying, my partner suddenly became quiet. I asked if she was there and if things were alright, and when she finally replied, she told me the RP was so good that she had squirted for the very first time(Not trying to brag, this actually happened). Being all curious as I wasn't a guy who was much with the women in teenages, I started to ask her about her orgasm. She had a desire to carry on, and at the time I was thrilled that she wanted to pleasure herself... to me! ..to my English! The very English that sucked so hard to begin with, but had gotten better over the years as I wanted my story to become good! But it didn't stop there. Being curious all the time throughout the roleplay, I would ask her if she liked this and that part of the post I posted, what she thought of this and that, and in the end I got a reply that sounded something along these lines. "If I was my character... What would your character... do to me?" I told her and she went "Oh yes, don't stop". Before I knew it, I had driven her to another orgasm. And before I could even continue she went "Tell me what to do, Master!"

And from that evening, my eyes were opened to OOC-domination through Roleplaying. Finding myself and my fetishes through the arts of roleplay, I saw that OOC-domination was the superior kink by far from the other ones. Wanting to explore this, I sought out several different partners at the two sites I had come over, and even some in-game of WoW(where I had to be careful as of how I proceeded to avoid another ban) I had the luck now and then, and one even grew attached to me which I would roleplay with now and then, but I had added a twist. Everything my character did to their character; they were to do to themselves In Real Life. It was much fun, lots of orgasms, and many delightful evenings.

Back to real life, I had finished the Army and started school again. I was writing a lot on my story in the army, but when I got back to school(Did College again for different reasons which I might go into later) I had already finished the English courses before I went to the army, so I could ask to get excluded from them. However, I felt I more or less was an ace in English, but I lacked the grammar. So I decided to go to class. I started a three-year college course of which the first year I attended class and got to know the teacher. She heard about my story and really really wanted to read more of it. She encouraged me to write more, gave me pointers, and even proof-read it(while marking over words/replacing words) as she printed it out and marked over with a ballpen and highlighter. I was thrilled that she was so into my story, and even went such great lengths to encourage me. She was a teacher whom had lots of classes and LOTS of paperwork, but for her to find the time in it all to go over what I wrote and even correct it after the story was over 50 pages... Well, yeah, again - I was thrilled.

At the same time online, I had taken further steps into the OOC domination online. I had a girl which really liked to do the mouth do the communicating so she could let her hands loose on her body to play with, and it gave me blood on the tooth for more voice-play. Finding out of a third site(which I won't say the name of for different reasons), which focused on Kinky people finding each other IRL, I found a section of Online play. After much looking, I can't say I was very successful at first. I retreated to F-list and was informed of this site. Thinking I really would like to get back to my roleplaying days as I hadn't been roleplaying too much due to the army and a bit of problems to get back to the whole thing, I threw an add out here which wasn't very successful to begin with.

But in real life, things were moving smoother. I got a broader audience of my story which now basically was a small book. I was even invited home to one of my classmates as his mother really took an interest in it. I won't say too much about my stay there, but I THINK I can be called the title of... Well, "Motherfucker". D: Anyways, at school the English teacher seemed to take a liking to me. She would keep an eye on me all the time, walk around where I sat and even sometimes place a gentle stroking hand at me. While I enjoy being touched by a woman, it was quite awkward to get up after class. Especially since she was quite the MILF too. Anyway, after the first year passed, the English classes came on a day where we only had courses I had taken before in other classes. Like, Norwegian, Math, etc etc. I excused myself from those, but that left me an 1.5 hour drive each way to and from school, resulting in 3 hours of transport for 1.5 hours of English. I skipped ALOT of English classes that year, which kinda defeated my purpose on taking the class. I then got a letter in the mail where it said I was risking to fail English. I remember sitting back in my chair and go "Heh... I? Failing English? NOPE!" I started attending class again regularly for 3 months. Through the year, I went to perhaps 1 English class a month. Most of the reason why I skipped so many classes that year was because of the traveling. But some of the reason was also; I was so much further ahead of the class. As I had already taken the course before, I kinda knew what she was going to teach(even though every teacher got their own plan) So I could come to school, get assignments and whatnot, finish them before class was over and be ahead of the class for the next 2 weeks. Now and then we would have tests, writing assignments which I also managed to get almost top grade on, but I feel like I didn't learn anything at all. The last 3 months was just to make sure I didn't fail due to absence, but also to overwhelm my teacher as I had worked hard on my "English Appearance" as I like to address it. To seem better than I actually am. The positive side of this is that if I am able to keep it up long enough, I actually will reach that level. But it was basically to assume a position of where no challenge was too hard and instead of pushing out quantity, I pulled the top grade in with quality.

This has been the story of how I got into Bluemoonroleplaying, BDSM, Kinky things and Online Domination(The OOC Dom over cam/voice) Which I am very much still into these days. This has also been the story of how my English evolved and how I nurtured my story which eventually became a book in progress and to my very own "A Word of Darkness" which you can find here on the site. You can see the progress I made through the book, of how it kinda starts out rubbish, holes in the story as I didn't have a consistent pace of writing, but also how my language develops towards the end of it.

If you came this far, I want to thank you for staying with me today, and I hope you enjoyed reading all of this as I enjoyed thinking back to how I was taken to where I am today by lots of coincidences, a perverted mind, and an open-minded mind.
 
While I am quite unsure how long the posts will be from time to time when I write here, they kinda tend to just... get long. Well, compared to what I have planned in my head.

Either way, since the day I wrote here last, there has been a lot of work at work. Who would've thought it? Haha, well, it was just.. overwhelming. So to back a little bit up; This Saturday evening became as I planned it. Well, mostly because I kept an iron hand on the matter. I was invited to the chick who I asked to stay to stay at my place till she could find something for her own or whatnot to watch a movie. Knowing her sexual nature and my own sexual nature, I knew where things would go. Although, I was tired. I had been working all July and the beginning of August. The weekend of my Birthday was the only weekend I had off in a while which I of course managed to spend hangover and partying. Well, not a bad weekend, but this weekend, I needed to rest. So I told her that I would if I had more energy, but I just felt like being home that day. She then complained about asking 15 people and nobody wanted to hang out with her which kinda left me pondering why so many wouldn't like to be with her. Certainly she must have been exaggerating, although if not.. something is wrong with her. I won't go into the whole story behind her, but I ended up not going and politely decline her offer.
However, after a little while, she asked me if I knew a mutual friend of ours very good. I said he was barely an acquaintance(she saw I had him on facebook) and didn't knew him well. But I had gotten some updates from him and whatnot, so I kiiinda knew what went on in his life now and then. Either way; she told me she have had a crush on him for like forever. Upon hearing this I said "Oh, but doesn't he already got a GF?" Hell, I was sure he was even engaged but didn't want to take it too far as I wasn't sure "NO FUCKING WAY?!" was the reply. Apparently... she wasn't aware! "Oh god, I'm going to end it all now" was the follow-up. Not sure what to say or do, I felt a bit shitty for making her feel this way as I really thought she knew. I tried to talk to her, and finally managed to calm her down. Wasn't easy, far from one of the easiest conversations I've had in my life, but I managed it. She is alive and well. Sad and broken on the inside, but she will heal. I am in the middle of healing myself and I feel more and more at ease every day. :)

Ah, but that was more or less the only eventful thing that day. So, Sunday - I slept in (OHGODITWASSOAMAZING!) and felt really rejuvenated and fresh. Throwing myself in the shower, I decided against shaving. It has been a bit chilly lately and I could use the extra beard to begin with. Besides, it will help my throat stay warm till the cold is completely over - but I managed to Viking it out! Anyways, fooling around as I use to at home, tidying a little bit, and of course - gaming. I was talking to a friend of mine whom I met at a kinky "datingsite". and she had a computer to sell. Thinking I'd better have a closer look at it as it would be ideal for my studio, I decided to go to her place and see what shape it was in and if I could fix it if it wasn't. Either way, as I was about to leave, Work called. They said they needed me to go over the stocks at our warehouse and make sure we had everything according to the papers. As I am in charge of the entire place basically, making sure routines are being followed as I implemented most of them there, everything of course were, but due to the change of CEO, we needed to double-check. Which... took a while! It was a lot of inventory, and I wasn't done till 23:00. At which point I just wanted to go home to sleep, but I had to go to my friend's place to pick it up first. So, driving over I took the highway. After a while I got there and met her. Keep in mind this is the first time I met her in person. Being very much alike that she was online, I was invited inside for a cup of coffee(Oh, I had a lot of coffee that night...) while we sat down in her couch and talked. Not going into the whole story there, but I got the title Spank-Master. *Snickers* We were up all night chatting basically before being titled(again), and before we knew it, it was 06:30.

Sighing, thinking I am fucked when it comes to work in just about an hour( Was first day with new CEO, first day as a Manager and everything, I had to come in extra early.) Driving over, I just managed to throw on myself a uniform in the car and hit the local supermarket for breakfast. Upon arriving, things were... in motion. Painters, electricians, handymen and such were all of the place. I was thrown a huge stack of paper, a galaxy tablet and a phone "Work." was my orders. Sighing as I knew the day would be long. Setting off to work, I called a lot of new partners, old partners, changed information from the old boss to the new one. Our system-computer of course had to crash so I had a lovely afternoon fixing that one as well before it finally was up and running again. My subordinates works well, but they are in conflict with each other. "Boss told me to this!" "No, Boss told ME to do this!" and the would both eventually come see me in the office and I would look up at them from my stack of papers and say "I told you BOTH to do that!" before they would scram. I have three girls and one guy directly below me. What a circus... Speaking of circus - Circus Arnardo is in town next weekend.. Or is it the week after that? Either way - they came in and handed me a bunch of free tickets as he wanted me to give them out to customers and whatnot to promote their place. Finding the way the man approached me rather pleasant, I shook his hand and went along with his request. A firm and humble approach goes a long way with me. Showing respect gives respect in my book. Although, I have many ways of giving respect, but I remain professional when it comes to my studio and place of work.

Either way, after a while a customer came in and asked me if I was the guy who owned the "Nissan X-trail" outside. I said "Yeah, what about it?" I felt a little bit snobby the way it came out(sometimes you say things and it come out wrong), but I guess my subconsciousness reacted to his question in that manner because I had been parking in the "Manager's Parking" and the guy is a regular who obviously has this "fetish" of where cars belong in the parking lot and whatnot. "Your tire is flat". And at that moment, my world stopped for a moment. "A flat tire... a.... tire." Now, I want to make something very clear to begin with; A flat tire is no big deal. However, on this particular day, it was a huge deal. I had NO time to fix the tire, I don't have any fancy hydraulic jack either, and there was ALOT of stuff in the trunk. "Oh... alright.. Thanks." I managed to say as my world finally started to turn again... "Yeah, no problem. But I'd fix it soon as it seems like it has lost a lot of air, and it will soon be going onto your shaft." "Oh.. I'll get right on it.." I managed to say as well, before he left. For that little moment, which I am sure was of no more than 10 seconds, I stood still. My mind was a hurricane, ravaging the land and leaving everything pulverized in its wake. Being in the eye of the storm myself, I finally were able to freeze the hurricane and make everything fall down to the ground of my brain to form a plan.

Critical thinking is sometimes something I am really good at. Today... was luckily that day. I gave my girls a walkie-talkie while bringing the other one with me. I had TONS of stuff to do at work, but I had to change the tire. I wouldn't want to get a completely new car as well if it broke down below. Either way, keeping the walkie-talkie going, I micro-managed them both as they say by my desk and did my job. Keeping my head inside with them, telling them what to write and whatnot, I let my physical self be at the car, finding a manual jack and unloading the trunk to find the spare-tire. My entire body was in overdrive at that point. The head went nuts with trying to figure out their incompetence, but at the same time try to remain calm - something which was really not easy with the body heating up as there was lots of heavy stuff in the trunk and the wheel was difficult to get out as it had gotten stuck by some splinters(harmless thankfully).

Well, cutting the rest of the story a little bit short; I managed to micro-manage them to do a good job. I managed to change the tire and I could sit down and continue the work where they left off. Downside was that they weren't able to do what I told them in the meanwhile, but that was nothing of great importance. My dad came around eventually and drove me home. He said he wanted the car anyways, and I told him about the tire-change. Getting home, I collapsed onto the couch and slept the entire day, something I am not happy about. It's.. 4 AM here and I am wide awake. Luckily I have a while till I need to be at work next....


I updated my profile a little bit. Explaining a little bit about my profile picture. Be sure to check it out.
 
(This Post is a bit special. I will now and then throw out a link to youtube and you are to click the link and let the music play. When you read till you see a new link, click on it. However, only if the music is done playing. So if you're still in the middle of a song and you see a new link, take in what you just read... reflect upon it. I will make sure this will be worth your time.)



*Sets the mood with* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pm7bF2pS-xQ


It's been a whole week... since my last entry. My life is an adventure. If god should have my soul in the very end and I would be questioned by St.Peter before the pearly gates and ask if I have been living a good life, I would answer. "I have lived a rich life at least." Oh, but how true it is. While I am not saying I am the only one, I feel like my days where they blend into another are over... My thirst for lust, adventure and life itself has... ceased to some degree. Don't get me wrong; I still thirst like dried a plant, but I look at things... differently.

The past week has been tiresome. It has been the first week of my new job. I was prepared it would be trying and tiresome as the new CEO is structured, but he has quite great ambitions. And with great ambitions comes great responsibility. Luckily for him, I was his chosen. I have delivered, and his ambitions are coming to life. I notice a positive attitude about it all, but after a long day... I come home to my empty house... I sit down in the master-chair in the livingroom and gaze out over the view from my penthouse but also at the things I own. My... possession. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNoSB1E7tYE Looking at all the things I own, thinking back to how I acquired them all... I can't help but feel a little bit blessed. It it's the Christian god, one of the Indian gods, or if it's my Unholy Prince of Darkness, I do not know... But I know for certain that there is... something out there, which got its eyes on me. The things I have... My TV, bookshelf, computer, sofa, books and so on... Acquired through different means. Some were bought with money I was receiving from severance from a job, some I worked myself hard to the bone to get. Some were given to me as they had no longer use for it and some were even crafted by my very own hands. It's a amazing how one can find oneself so surrounded by one's life through the few years one have walked this earth in the search for answers. Personally, I believe I've found the meaning of life. Well, at least to a big degree. However, I won't say it's a good answer... but an answer. Sometimes not all the questions doesn't have an answer. For example.. My brother died when he was 26. Why he had to die? There is no good answer for that... Only many bad ones.

So sitting there, having a glass of whisky or perhaps gin, I think back to all the people I have met. Where they come from and how we met. Everything was left over to coincidences. Yes, life is full of them and it will continue to be. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QjRd9VTIQY Let's say I go to a cafè tomorrow. There is one just a rock-throw away from here(Not sure if that saying apply to English, but at the very least; It means that the average man can throw a rock to the place in the form of giving an idea of the distance.) There are many people going there every day. It's expensive as hell, but people still come. However, it's never overly crowded. Perfect for a place to go and meet people. As most people going there are old people and single mothers and the likes, they are still humans too after all. Let's say I go there indeed... I sit down and have a coffee. I could be people-watching all day, and perhaps.. just perhaps a really cute girl will come in alone. Looking around for a seat, I could perhaps give her a smile and kick the chair on the other side of my little table out and offer her a seat.(I mean come on, who wouldn't want to have a cup of coffee with me?~) But what she doesn't know is that it isn't just an invitation of a place to sit. But it's an invitation... to me. It's an invitation to sit down as two human beings and converse like normal people over the cup of a coffee(or whatever she might be getting). She don't know me, and I don't know her. But as open-minded I am towards life itself, I welcome the opportunity to get to know her. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aE4x4OBTAU Who knows, perhaps we share many of the same interests? Perhaps she's single and looking a little as well? Perhaps she's new in town and are looking for new friends? By all means, it could be a guy as well, but it's all to prove that; Just by going to a cafè or any public place really, taking the time to give a piece of yourself to another person can get you into all sorts of situations and scenarios. Some may be bad, yes, but I welcome those too to a degree. It helps me evolve as a human being and I am one to learn from my mistakes. I at least like to believe so. So when those scenarios and problems arise once more, I will have learned how to better handle them.

But sitting back in my apartment after a long day at work... Finishing my drink as it's all about having a calm moment where I let caressing music flow from my speakers as I enjoy a drink and watch the sunset slide down the horizon, leaving my place a golden scenery. Smiling a little bit to myself, I know the night is soon upon me and that's when I wake up. Waking up as in.... (Wait for the music to stop at this point if it's still playing.)

Letting my head and thoughts flow. Letting my desires and lust take over my very soul as the day have all been about projecting the creativity I have into my work. But when the night falls upon the land as a silk sheet would cover and smother a bed, I.. awaken.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QR28G204z5k

Ahhh... How the night flows... The darkness dulling most of the senses but the body's and life itself. I find myself being myself when our source of light is on the other side of our planet. When... The creatures of the night emerge. Don't get me wrong, I don't see myself as a supernatural being or anything, I am simply saying that.. I am through the day, but I live through the night. The lust I've mentioned before... Is for many things. Food, drink, women and entertainment. I rarely have dinner during the days. Well, mostly because I get home from work with the sunset and that I can't find myself to start cooking before it's dark, but imagine yourself this scenario; You're having a steak with vegetables and sauce. And you eat perhaps at a fancy restaurant with white tablecloths, redwine in the glass and flickering candles. Perhaps you even have a date with you? A romantic dinner to say the least; But is it night or day out? Yes, it's night... The illumination of the candles creates a mood nothing else can. The dancing of the flames matching the drapes over a half-open window in a dance of seduction and lust. You are hungry and thirsty and soon to enjoy a delicious meal. You look around yourself to take in the surroundings. The dim lighting makes it feel like it's nothing around you but you and your meal, or perhaps your eventual date. Paying close attention, you can see other tables around you, the heavily clothed drapes weaving down from the roof all around you in the room as velvet, but you find yourself allured by the sensation. You eat, you feast, you consume what has been prepared for you and your feeding ritual. Having sips of the fluids that dulls one's senses and makes principles blurry, you are aware of what you are doing. But it's just what you want. You want to dull yourself a little bit as you are about to give a little piece of yourself to the evening... To your date. Feeling the alcohol take a faint grip of your mind, your tongue perhaps loosen up a little bit. Perhaps sliding forth the idea for dessert...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7exPsqt_Z0Y

But what could be for desert? You might sit there, smirking at your date or to yourself, thinking about what you want. What you desire there and then. At that point after the alcohol have gotten a little grip of your mind, there are no lies to yourself. You can try, but your true intentions will be mentioned in your head. You will be tempted by the idea, but you will also consider it among other things. But I for one, would eventually give in to its temptation. Succumbing to its luscious promises of satisfaction, you dwell into the thoughts of satisfaction of how you may acquire this. Your partner might be sitting there, or you might close your eyes to think of it. Going with my favorite, you would look up at your partner and perhaps suggest going back to your place for dessert or maybe even in the other room if you are at their home. As dining in the dining-room is the best, having dessert in the living room is the keystone here. The living room which I have nicely decorated and in order would enough be the small step one would desire for intriguing one's partner. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD_IRiEQdtA Both being there at that point with the agreement of enjoying dessert in the other room, in one form or another proves the point that this is something you both want and is on board with. You can feel your lust peak as you move into an even calmer area and you might put on some music. The relaxing calmness of the music filling your ears, making you drunk in a way only music can as you feel yourself strangely seduced. Seduced to what? To life. To the desires life has to offer. Everything before has been building up to this and it's a huge part of life. Perhaps finding yourself a little bit in loss as of how to proceed from here, you seek guidance in a way. You stop up for a moment questioning everything that seems, smells, sounds and deeply feels so right before succumbing into a smile and agreeing to let the night carry you away. The candlelights flicker as you and your partner engage in a soft passionate kiss, leaving you only to feel his/her breath against you which entices you more than you could have ever imagined. Not wanting to let go at first as the taste of the lust you've had for a while is the sweetest of all fruits, you do so to revel in the sensation of the lust. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzARL20qzaQ

You might keep your eyes half-closed, feeling a blush dominate your face as the sensation you revel in leaves you mid-breathing. Stopping yourself in the middle of a breath just to re-take it. Wanting more, you might lean in once more to satisfy your lust even more, hoping your partner wants the same. He/she might be shy or smiling, approving of the mutual adventurous lust that have for a long time ago, taken your very souls a hostage. A hostage to pleasure which there is only one way to relieve oneself through. Being full in the belly, and no longer thirsty, you still feel the thirst, the hunger for something more. The hunger that that is insatiable and the thirst that is unquenchable by the very promise of pleasure. The sensation that you crave for so long. The hands starts to move as you feel their neck. But perhaps at the same time, you feel your partner's hands wrap around your neck as well in a sensual touch that caresses the soft skin before trailing a path up to your chin like an adventurer seeing a river of passion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzMAwJ6OhI4

It's too late, there is no redemption at this point. You are already lost as I let my hands trail over your very neck and down towards your cleavage. Feeling surge of pleasure fueled by desire, I crave this satisfaction like a drowning man craves air. Letting my hand slide down to your supple bust, I fill my hand with your right breast as I grope it gently, yet firmly for me to feel. The sensation I am holding my hand is like the gift of a god and at that very moment I start to feel like one as well. You breathe out softly, keeping your eyes half-opened and looks at me with a conquering blush that reveals your feelings. You wants this and you wants me. You have craved this for so long and suppressed lust you have felt from the very moment but you are soon able to no more. The feelings are becoming a base at this moment and I am the catalyst. But you need my help. You are like a fallen angel in my hands and look at me like your lord, pleading me to save you as your savior with pleading eyes. I smirk as I can see the lust in your eyes before groping again but at your other breast. Closing your eyes for a moment, you let a long-awaited sigh of delight escape your luscious lips, feeling how you are giving yourself up for the desire of me and my desires. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkrapbSFDRI Keeping your eyes firmly closed, you arch your body towards me, offering me the delights of your body to please my craving for satisfaction. Finding your display of submission most enticing, I also find it a bit amusing. Amusing in the way of how you would give yourself up like this without playing precious. But I know you are an intelligent woman and knows what you want. You aren't fond of playing games and wants only satisfaction. Being sure that we both want this, you feel content in offering me your body. And being the man that I am, I am rather discreet in my ways. I open your top from the front and reveal a laced bra that is the guardian of your firm breasts. Laced like gates of a land of fantasy, they display the cover of a treasure that is indeed legendary. My hands moving elegantly and fingers so nimble that they could picklock a vault, I invade the gates to your mounds of treasure before they break open and offer me the riches they have been stored to this very moment. With an soft "Ah!" you turn a little bit away in shyness at first before biting your lip and looking over at me. Hoping I would like them, I give you a reassuring smirk that is unmatched by smirks given in any other situation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77x2Jcz1taE Your breasts whom are all exposed to my presence points gently in my direction with their nipples erected. The shadows of the curves dances before my eyes as the candlelights are being caressed by a soft breeze slipping forth from the crack at one of the windows. But it doesn't matter. Right there and then, it's you and me where we entwine in a night of passion and lust. Keeping your lower lip bit you look up at me a little bit reassured of how I feel about them before gasping silently as I move close to let my breath fall onto your breasts like a dragon's breath would scorch any soldier attempting to raid his hoard. The sensation of your alluring perfume and the general scent of your bra and breasts mix into a scent given by the goddess of love herself. Finding myself weak for a moment, I shift and left another breath slide through my nostrils, only to hear you whimper ever so slightly as the sensation of my breath over your naked skin sends shivers through your spine in both anticipation of what to come, but also in how you are offering yourself to me. Yes, I could turn and start laughing at your very presence here and how pathetically you are giving yourself up to me, but this isn't a game. This is something we both want and a such strong desire is something that requires etiquette. Etiquette of the aristocratic moods holding hands with the devil of desire and the succubus of lust. Together they create a mood that is undeniably satisfying which drives me to proceed to give your left nipple a soft kiss with my soft and slightly wet lips. The sensation is but the trigger to one of many moans of delight that escapes your lips. "Ah!" is heard as you look down at me, where I look grinning up at you again while your glistening nipple which is almost faintly sparkling in the dim flickering of the candlelight perks for us both. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH5rzhynJlk

Keeping my gaze at yours, you can see how the soul inside me burn like the power of a black hole. A power that could be destructive to everything we know, but I have it under control. Beside it, you can see the passion I keep inside, longing to be let out to those I find worthy. You think for yourself about all the possibilities that could be with 'us' then and there before becoming a little bit afraid if releasing the passion of mine is going to be an acquirable thing for you. But what catches your attention the most is the solar flame of lust that rages like a thousand suns only to collapse and leave the vision with a glance of my eyes. The dark brown eyes which resembles the earth, the very material of creation itself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K12pEb4hBRU But its appearance is not the only thing you notice. You notice something else as well... You notice how they are watching you. How they're staring you directly right into your soul. And yes... I am watching. I am looking into your eyes and I see a woman. A woman whom have gone a long way from where she used to be, but found herself in the awe of a man this evening. If it was the lust, wish, or perhaps spite she came here, I can never know for sure. But all I know that very moment is that she is vulnerable before me and at mercy by my feet. Feeling the rush of desire creep up over my spine, I give in to raise my head and kiss you once more. Our lips clasp together as if they were meant to be that way and my tongue gently slides over yours in an engagement of passion at that very moment. I make sure to keep my hands calm as I can feel how a beast is slowly wakening inside of me. A beast of pure lust that should be kept under control at all times. I'm quite sure most men can relate to what I am speaking of here, but I feel him inside me. However, I do have control. I am the dominant person here and thus keeping him at bay, I let my hands cover your breasts once more, but this time my palms have the divine treat of feeling how your erected nipples happily brushes against the crude palms of my hands. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwZeTUdSkB8 Oh how you moan into my mouth softly but I keep you silent. It is only just before your breath runs out I break out of the enthralling kiss which leaves you gasping after air. However, I am indeed a rather naughty person with a glimpse of perverseness in my eyes and thus lets my fingers arch and move down to your nipples and squeeze them roughly, yet softly, only to leave you gasping even more and force out a moan that catches you mid-breath and makes you squeal in a way which many would say sounds weird. But at that moment, nothing is weird. It's two persons enjoy the traits of life and what it has to offer. Finding yourself embarrassed and taken a little bit advantage of, you sit up and cover your breasts a little bit. Acting like one would usually at first, like a sparse person who doesn't put out, you are easily seduced again as I move in closer again and let my hand trail over your neck again, only to peak the sensation with a finger stroking under your chin and leaving you looking at me directly into the eyes again before I close in for a third and final kiss which only lasts for a brief moment. The brief moment feels almost like it never happened at the impact, but it feels like it lasted an eternity when it breaks. Something that leaves you craving more. By the time I pull back I can see how you have exposed your breasts to me again. The top has slid even more off and your curves are still covered in dancing shadows of the candlelight. Sitting there with your top half-way down, your breasts and chest exposed to me, a dominating blush on your face and eyes half-closed you whisper gently "T-take me..." At first I pretend I don't hear you as I enjoy to humiliate my partner a tiny bit, but you give in and say louder "Take me." before blushing a little bit more. Giving an acknowledging wide smile, I look at you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t06neJCQtCE You look at me, knowing how you just threw yourself out there. Feeling a bit sparse after I humiliated you slightly by both pinching your nipples at a sensitive point and how I made you say out shamelessly that you wanted to be taken, you look to the side for a brief moment before looking at me again, biting your lower lip and tilting your head forward. Oh how the lust and delight of two human beings can make them act strangely towards each other... Almost snickering a little bit of the amusement, but also of the desire I feel, I manage to keep it down. While being a perverted, I also want you to feel that I am a person you can share this moment with... fully. Leaning in to kiss your neck, I let my breath once more place itself over your soft skin like a layer of smoke from dry ice would as I trail my way down your body with kiss. The perky breasts stands firm as I trail my way between them with sensual and gentle kisses. I can hear how your breath gets out of its rhythm and how it increases in pace the lower I get. Almost wanting to purr to myself in order to show delight in all of this, I get to the edge of your pants which is quickly invaded by your hands which sends the button on top undone as if it was a bandaid supposed to be pulled off - in an instant. As the button is undone the folds of the pants are placed bending to its each side in a layer, almost like an invitational flower. A scent is lurking below and it slowly seeps forth up through your flower and gets into my nostrils. With a faint sigh and a little relieved "ahh..." I can feel how the pure essence of lust seeps into me. Finding my senses slightly more dulled than before, I too starts to breathe heavier as I take in the sexual musk which you keep brewing below. Approaching with my hand, I slowly undo your flyer down half of the way before stopping in anticipation. The smell is becoming too much of a rouse and I feel the beast inside really trying to get out. Fighting the feeling I decide to undo the flyer entirely and I am soon assisted by both of your hands placing a thumb under the side of your pants by your waist and pushing it off. As I sit a bit back, placing your pants on the floor in a pile, I have for a long time ago given up the aristocratic etiquette of manners and the like and thus leaves the pants in a pile right there and then. Your long slender silk-smooth legs are the ones that have caught my attention now and their scent is out of this world. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Om-e0D629YQ

Again I feel the beast go on at me with its brute force to be let out, but I am in control. Feeling inner turmoil as about how to keep my calm, I feel a bit unsettled as the divine scent of your legs weakens the barriers that keeps it sealed away. You look there laying back in my sofa as what's left to illuminate you is the flickering candles and the passion that we both radiates at the moment. Placing your arms over your head, you close your eyes and gasp now and then in both anticipation and in the result of desire and pleasure as I kiss your foot and trail my way slowly upwards with gentle passionate kisses. The breath is undeniable arousing to the maximum as it feels to go over ever curve of you. The alluring scent entices me to a such degree that my kisses trails slowly faster and with greater distance. Passing your knee, I move my way over to the side of your thigh, approaching slowly your inner thigh and up towards your crotch which is covered in a night-sky laced blue thong. Finding the thong to be one of the prettiest I have ever seen, it gives away the elegance as almost the entire front is darkened by a wet substance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=co2kFcoaBgQ Smirking wickedly of the display of arousal, I am no better myself. A slightly pulsating bulge on my black pants have appeared quite a while ago and has been throbbing to the point where the flyer has been pushed halfway down. I am still full from the dinner. I am have still the satisfaction of having my thirst quenched. But the hunger and thirst I have for you are out of this world and only you can satisfy it. Reaching up to your crotch from trailing my way with kisses from your foot, I can feel the pure essence of desire seeps from you. Finding myself almost ready to faint as the sensation is so strong and delicious, I fight the feeling of doing so by placing a soft kiss on the front of the thong. The exact moment I can hear you let a soft moan escape your lips which quickly was muffled afterwards. As both into the moment we both are and how much we both want this, you can't help but feel a bit at awe of my presence between your legs. Finding myself even more aroused by the response to my kiss, I place another one a bit further up, directly over the clitoris that had been swelling up ever since I first touched you earlier and hence were making a faint bulge on the thong. A loud gasp was released from you as let my playful tongue slide out to flick the little bulge gently a few times, feeling how your body faintly twitches internally of each flick.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RE4EiD8DTbI The desire I feel of pleasing you soon succumbs to the desire of being pleased. I can't hold back the beast any more and I come to terms with him in letting him be in charge in some means. Closing my eyes and moaning out softly once, I look up at you and I crawl slowly over you to meet your gaze, looking directly in to your eyes. "On your knees..." I say to you softly, almost whispering to make sure you take in every letter I blessed you with. Leaning back a little bit, you quickly get up and gets down on the floor. Seeing your determination in how you move and in your eyes, I can see the desire to please has surpassed your desire to be pleased. Sitting on the floor you see my bulge moving ever so slightly in my half-opened pants and you shamelessly lick your lips a little bit. You're caught up in the moment doesn't care about anything anymore. You are at that moment only an apprentice of desire, a disciple of lust and a scholar of love. Finding yourself content in what you are doing and not questioning your motives which your body and mind have made clear for you a long time ago, you lean forward to place your hands on my legs and stroke your chin against my slightly throbbing bulge. Smiling, I find it cute how you embrace my crotch in a such loving way and I pet your head gently before you turn to me and look me up into the eyes. The flames of desire burns indeed strong in you and I give you a content smirk which signalizes that you're allowed to go ahead. Mid-smirking, you rush to the button of my pants and forces it open. The way you do it, one could think my pants were on fire and you needed to get them off so I wouldn't get hurt. But no, this was some other kind of fire that was in my pants. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6me8wZ0whg

Opening them, you find the bulge raise a little bit more up as the fabric of the boxers are more elastic than my pants and you proceed to put the bulge into your mouth. Looking like a thirsty runner who have been out two days straight with only running and no water, you force the bulge into your mouth as you put on suction to it. Gasping ever so slightly but with a grin, I keep petting your head. I see the fruits of desire and how you are offering the harvest to me. Wanting to help you out a little bit but most for my own satisfaction, I grab your hair roughly and pulls you backwards up from my bulge. I can feel how the hair tug tightly on my grasp as you wouldn't let me pull you off and gives me the sensation that I am to rip off locks of your hair at any moment. Finally having you give in, I raise your head where you moan softly, obviously getting pleasure out of the rough handling I am giving you while my free hand slips under the edge of my boxers to release my throbbing member which is dripping with juice now. I watch your eyes as I do this and I can see how the fire in your eyes of desire turns into an inferno of cravings and lust as you forces your head down again onto it, making me slip my grip. If I had held onto it I would have pulled off a huge lock of your hair, but even then, I doubt you would have minded. You forced yourself onto my member and I could feel how it would go down all over your tongue and well down into your throat to the point where the tip started bending which left me groaning softly. Petting your head gently I say out while muffling a moan "There there, you can't bend iron..." I grinned before moaning softly once more. You adds good suction to the member before slowly pulling off it again and slurps all the way back to get every drop of precum that desire and lust had summoned forth earlier and continues to do now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMKIhq3b0cs You proceeds to vigorously move your head up and down while keeping a hard suction to my member. I sit back and sigh softly as I keep my hand on your head to feel your lusted motions while I take in the feeling which is arousing to say the least. Smirking to myself I can feel how the air around us have thickened. How the scent of sex and arousal dominates our surroundings and how we are indeed disciples to lust and apprentices to desire. I suddenly feel a hand digging into my boxers and open my eyes to see what you are up to. Seeing you look at me with pleading eyes as you suck and slurp on my member, I moan softly and wink at you as I feel your hand wrap its fingertips around my balls gently and fondles them just nicely. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_96-oqd6wE Biting my lower lip, I can feel that I am being pushed towards the edge of an orgasm. Not wanting to be relieved this soon, I try to fight it, but in the end, I fall submissive to the feelings of desire and satisfaction. Opening my eyes and looking at you, I give you a stare as you look a bit puzzled up at me again. Grabbing your hair, I shove you hard down onto my throbbing member and you close your eyes and lets me do as I please as I feel no resistance. Letting out a good moan, I feel how my shaft throbs slightly erratically as it unloads five good shots of cum ejaculating down your throat deeply. Hungrily, I can feel you try to swallow after each squirt and I sigh softly after the fifth escapes the tip of my glans and disappears into your belly which fills you up with a glee. Slowly backing up, you look at me and swallows properly after letting my member escape your hungry mouth. The flames of desire is still in your eyes, but I notice a little sense of disappointment as well lurk in your eyes as well. Tilting my head a little as I puzzle this sensation I feel, you speak. "Is.. it over?" Smirking I place my hand on your head and pats you gently while you now and then would lick the head clean of any traces of sperm. "It's still hard... isn't it?" I snicker as I see your eyes light up to an inferno again. "Please... Take me." You say pleading as your hand continue to fondle my halls and your other hand have gently started to stroke my faintly throbbing shaft. Giving you a wink, I tell you to get up. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8T5dGJLT2iU Feeling how my member still rages on, I know this is purely lust and desire that drives me. Being alright and content with it fueling me like it does, I stand up and guide you over to the windows overlooking the city and the ocean and haves you bending over on it. The way you submits, allows and even encourage me to use you as I please is enthralling in many different ways. To be the one being pleased for the sake of pleasing others is a pleasure that is truly divine. If you haven't had one submitting to you before, I highly encourage you to pursue that feeling. The feeling of being put in the center of someone else's world is simply amazing. To walk into a room with another person there who just wants your needs fulfilled, let it be sexual or simply in service. I have always had a huge fascination of such at least, and really relished in the thought.

Looking over at your booty from behind, I walk up behind you and place my hand gently on your rear, stroking it softly as I grope it roughly now and then. While doing so, I can see the people walking on the street down below, and even directly into some office buildings where workers are working late. Grinning to myself as I don't really care much about who sees me and what I do at my own place, I can tell you mind a little bit. Putting your head down in both submission and humiliation as you are sure someone will see you, but I keep it raised by giving your rear a good spank with my hand. The thrill of making you squirm in pain which directly thrives through to pleasure is a delight that comes in many different forms. "Ah!" is the gasp you make as you look over at me with pleading eyes. The inferno rages strong and you wiggle your rear a little bit, pleading to be taken. But I am in no rush. I take the moment to enjoy your and your submission right here and then. The smell of your sex fills the room and indeed dulls my senses to a degree, but the scent of my member has apparently got you hooked. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1JANMkol5k Walking behind you, I notice the big red mark that was left on your right rearcheek which is an imprint of my hand. Snickering to myself silently, I squat down and pull your panties down slowly only to reveal several long tendrils of juices that connects your soaked womanhood to the fabric of the laces. "Tsk, what a slut~" I comment casually, noticing how you are taking the humiliation as you wiggle your rear a little bit and go "Ahhww~" Given the rather delicious sight of a craving booty and a such alluring scent, I lean in to give your wet folds a good lick with my slightly crude tongue. Almost purring right into your sex, I can feel my member throb once hard as the desire for you peaks once more. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnabyhAYej0 Sighing a little bit as I take in the juices and enjoy its taste, I smile sheepishly and stands up. Grabbing your waist hard, I push my waist forth to place my member in between your legs and over your folds. Moving back and forth a bit, you can feel how the veins of my shaft grind against your sensitive lips and I smirk to myself when I feel how my shaft is quickly being coated in your juices. Trying to hold back, I feel I need to completely succumb to the beast I keep inside now. The goblet of lust is full and is flooding over in large quantities as I arch my back and then scoops forth into your womanhood with two quick movements which sends me moaning softly and you gasping and moaning as well. Curling your fingertips and turning them into fists which you keep your balance with against the window. The wind gusts and the rain falls heavy still and in the distance is lightning which you could hear slowly approaching. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTCN4Ju5cR0 The flickering candlelight makes shadows dance on the wall and the naughty sound of two bodies colliding and moans are the only sounds heard along with a faint tone of music playing in the background.

Right there and then, we become as one as we both dive into the world of sex and pleasures as I rapidly go in and out of you, pressing you hard against the glass of the window for the entire city to see. You blush and feel humiliated, but the thrill of being caught like this only makes you hornier and you start to plead to be taken harder. Wanting you to keep your mouth shut, I spank your ass in one simple and powerful motion which sends you yelping out into the night, something that only makes you hornier and wetter. The lightning flares up in front of you as you close your eyes and the sound of the heavy rains muffles your moans as we are both quickly drawn towards two powerful orgasms together as we are both so horny and lusted that the climax is within reach for the both of us. Me being deep inside you, we reach for it together and explore onto each other's bodies in a mess of juices and cum, letting out powerful roars in choir that is loud enough to leave the dogs in the city barking before we collapse on the floor together.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLAb3U8JjN0



Oh, how coincidences can lead to so many delightful adventures indeed... *Smirks* While the scenario above is way more likely to happen than winning the lottery, it's all about creating one's chances. And offering a little bit of yourself to other people creates that chance. And of course; depending on how you do it - increases the chance. Lust is... One of the sins. But I have embraced it to a such degree that I feel like I am doomed to go to hell - or so they say at least. I am beyond redemption at that point as I will gladly burn for eternity if I can live a happy life. At least that's my philosophy. But the few times hell comes to earth, one need to embrace it and say "Bring it." Usually with that, Hell retreats to.. well, hell, and you are free to live happy days again. But for everyone it's not that easy. It's really not. I really find myself to be lucky... In all the ways beside love. Haha, not much to say there. What's been said has been said. I won't add more. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=il1nEcAVoVk But I want you to think a little bit about this; You're stranded on a small island... There is one tree, a little grass around the tree that borders faintly to a small beach. A place you never get hungry or need to go to the bathroom. It's a place with adequate temperature and you're left there all alone.
What goes through your head of how to get home? Given there are no other islands in sight, would you think of the ones back home, how they are missing you, or would you spend most of the time trying to figure out how to get away from the island? If you then give up on escaping - wouldn't you say you're good to go with your life? Having no "needs" that needs to be satisfied, you would probably sit there, not thinking much about your life. After all, our goal here in life is to reproduce. Now, I won't go into the meaning of life and what my idea of it is because it will make this post VERY long and nobody would like to read it, but perhaps in some other post. But really - give the scenario above a thought. What would you do with yourself there under those conditions? What would you think?
 
My, it's been a week already since I last wrote here. While there is no really any big explanation as of why; I guess there are many little ones! Don't really feel any need to excuse mysel for not replying too much to my own thread which I have more or less no obligation to at all, but I like to update you guys about my life. Well, at least some parts. ...alright alright, almost everything~

I got a lot of positive response on my previous message, wanting me to elaborate and continue the "RP". Now, I want you to know that it wasn't really RP. It's a description of how the desire I practice pretty much every day plays out on a free playground. While it's nothing but a pipedream for most, it's actually quite achieveable.

The past few days haven't been without events, no, I was at a party this... last Friday where I got dressed up rather nicely. I have a venezian mask which I've customized to be more fitting to... the kind of parties I go to, and going to my friend who hosted the party, it was a blast! Lots of drinks, people and laughter. An overall good night, but a friend of mine stayed the weekend. He had come from across the country to go to the party with me and just hang out. He's a gamer too, so... we sat gaming all weekend. Was nice to relax like that for once... Although, in hindsight, it feels like I sold my soul to the devil by doing so as I am now entering a work-period of 13 days in a row, one day off and then another 6 days. *Sigh* I had to change shifts a little bit to get it to work and that was the only option... I really need to find either a new job or new hours because this is for sure going to be my end.

My activity here has decreased a lot. I do now and then check in several times a day to see if I get any new PMs, but I don't linger to do too much games or RP. Well, the RP-side has been gone for a while now ever since I was told I would lose my old job, but with this new one, I don't find myself in a position to really sit down and let the creativity flow. *Sigh* Although, the few users I got to know here has been a delight, so I think I would be missed if I should just suddenly disappear. But that's not my style at all, even though several of my friends here have decided to do exactly that. Well, no matter, that's all their business and I will continue on with my own~ Do share the "story" I wrote in the post above by the way, and PM me their response to it. While I can create things out of quality, I feed on feedback like the drowning man feeds on air. "He doesn't, but he has a dire need for it".
 
Woah, has it really been over one month since my last entry? *Sigh* Well, I guess it's all thanks to the new owners at work. They're working me to the bone and I am delivering. Sadly, this is going out over my personal life and I have little to no sparetime. My studio is suffering because of it as well, something I don't really enjoy. However, I need to prioritize this job over my studio for now. I've gotten glimpses now and then of what will happen in the long run and all I can say is that I need to get off this sinking ship while I still can. When entering a rocking boat, I would very much like to sit patiently and wait for the rocking to cease instead of bulding a fucking majestic sail - if you see what I mean.

Ah, but what a month it has been. So many things I want to write and tell you all about, but so little time. Yeah, I'm at work right now finally being able to squeeze in a few minutes into making this post. For those of you who think I am dead; Nope - I am not! Haha, not yet at least. My demise will come at a rather convenient point, so there's that. Either way, where to begin... Well, I guess I could start with saying that I have entered one of the most elaborated "secretive" projects of mine and set it in motion. While I won't go that much into detail as of what it is; I guess I could say that I have taken on the facade of being in a relationship with the underline being healing.

While I don't think I have written this before, it kinda feels like I have. So do excuse me if this is a re-post. Heh, nevermind - it's my thread! I can make as many reposts I want! *Smirks* Either way; I have been dating this girl for a while to find out if there is anything more than just being friends there. However, after a couple of weeks, I like her as a friend and nothing more. However, during the dating period we had a couple of nights where we could just go to my place and relax. She's living under rather stressing conditions and looks at my place as a little "vacation" if you will. However, one night she looked at me and said "Let's go dancing." - Being as far from a dancer as you can get, I kinda said a bit puzzled "Uhm... no? Heh, I don't got any cash to go dancing". You won't get me dancing unless I am drunk. And I was low on cash that weekend but she told me she'd be paying for everything. Not really knowing how to wriggle myself out of it, I decided to go along. So, there we sat at the bar, having LOTS of drinks and I keep asking her if we aren't going to stop soon. Don't get me wrong; I love drinking, but having her paying for me was... weird. And it was so much! After some discussions and such, it turns out that she's.. a millionare. Being completely in awe of this and how she's shrugging off the expenses like they're nothing (It's over 10 dollars for a beer here in Norway - YES I KNOW IT'S SICK!) but she kept going. Eventually we spent 500 bucks on just drinks which she was surprised over because she was used to get well over 1500. Not really sure what to say about it all, still isn't, but it's awesome though. So the coming weeks she started buying me all sorts of things. She even showed up to clean my apartment because "I like cleaning, especially when you get happy". That's by the way, when I knew I had to have a little talk with her as things seemed to have gone further for her than it had for me.

Ah well, what can one do really? My project will reach its peak during November and hopefully cool off over December and January. If things should go wrong, January is the time to do it. Which brings me to the next thing I want to talk about... Gambling!

I'm quite sure I've told you all I'm quite the gambler. And I still am! However, the trick is to not bet more than you can afford and only bet a given amount. Let me elaborate. Every month I get about... 150 bucks or so from the government to pay for my penthouse rent(Yay Norway) - But because I earn so much on the side, I put those 150 as a gambling budget. Hence; always have a set amount of money I can bet and if I lose it all(the 150), then there is no more gambling that month. However, this month, I've won over 1500. *Twists mustache* And guess what - the last part of the "trick" is to stop when you're ahead. Sure, I can bet it all going "Oh, just one more time and I can double, or even triple it!", but I kinda count the money I've already won(the 1500) as money in my budged in the sense of "Never bet more than you can afford to lose" And to put it this way; I can't afford to lose 1500 on gambling *Smirks* So I stop when I am ahead. I am about 5000 into the green and still counting. And all that brings me to..... I am going to America again this January! I will be lurking about in North Carolina and basically taking some me-time. Where I can relax and do whatever I please. As I've written before; A vacation for me isn't go to see monuments, museums or even famous locations, but rather experience a different culture and their dailylife in a way. To just... be there. I have no schedule on the day other than getting food and that's how I like it. It enables me to experience so much! And as I've also written before; Having the money of a Norwegian guy... *Licks lips* I can live like a king in other countries. I have yet to find a country that's more expensive than Norway. Well, to visit one that is.

So yeah, using the money I won on gambling and going to USA. Will be fun, no? ~ Either way, what more to write about... Heh, during the last month, as things have happened, I keep thinking "I need to write this down in my journal", but I never got around or time to do it. Everything kinda demands attention from me lately. My assistant is in England as well and I need to do a lot of extra work because of that. So that means waking up earlier(ugh), working longer and harder only to get home and have a mental feedback as I have passively gone into an just-below average overload for this and next week. I hope I will be ab- nevermind. I was going to write that I hoped to get some rest this weekend as I only work 5 days a week now! (weekend off), but I'll write why not soon. As for my days they're going more or less like this; Waking up early, heading to work with a bus(ugh!) - Then I work hard for many hours and then getting home. Depending on the dinner, I need to either thaw it or cook for an hour or two. I've been having hot pots lately as I've been feeling a bit ill(which I am quite sure is because of stress), and they take a little while to cook. Either way, then it's the gathering of myself that I do over the evening. And with that; I mean trying to become a human again by playing games, watching Anime, skyping, masturbating - basically; having me-time. Then sometimes I will just collapse right there and then as I am so tired that I wake up the next day in curious locations. Other times someone/something will grab my attention and I will be sitting up way past my bed-time which I Shouldn't at a schedule like this. *Shrugs* But this is my life the current week and the coming one. My body is generally adjusting me to a normal sleep rythm which is nice, but... I'm enjoying the night. So thanks body, but no thanks. *Smirks*

As for this weekend... Remember my friend from Jan Mayen? Well, perhaps not ,but a friend of mine which has been gone for 6 months suddenly came home and knocked on my door. Well, I knew he was coming, but he came a week earlier than he said - which enabled him to surprise me! So I invited him and his GF(which was with him too at the moment) inside for a beer and whatnot. Sitting in my livingroom for a couple of hours we talked, laughed and shared stories. It was really good to see him again, and I then felt how much I actually had missed him. *Smirks* Nohomo, no? Haha, either way; They were going to have welcome-home-party for him. I asked when it was and they said.. well, this coming weekend! They were going to Malorca the week after, so that's why it wasn't any earlier. Either way, being the kind person I am, I offered them to have it at my place. It's better space, more convenient to get in and out, more local for the party people and basically; they can come and party, then just leave. I'll handle the clean-up. *Smirks* They were overjoyed over hearing this so... Yeah, I'm hosting a party this coming Saturday. I'm sure you all remember what I wrote about people staying over at my place, so I won't again~ But yeah, It's going to be epic. Next to everyone who is coming is bringing jelly-shots, and since we're all Norwegians(I actually think one is half-swedish.. D: D: D: ), it's like 90% alcohol and 10% jelly. But if you go with Bacardi Razz, you can more or less just add jelly-powder straight into the bacardi razz. Or will that perhaps not "harden"? Either way, it's going to be a blast. He and his GF was so overjoyed that they invited me over for dinner tomorrow. To which I accepted. I really enjoy being invited over to dinners as it's... *Shrug* A meal prepared in my honor? Really, anything in my honor kinda nudges my heart a little bit with a ghost-stick(ghost-stick as in passing straight through the iron gates and reaching my heart). I even heard rumors about the famous ice-cake *Drool* his GF made it on our national day (17th of May) earlier this year and people were literally fighting each other over the last slice. Which my then-gf stole while nobody was looking. Oh how I spanked her later that night... Sadly she really loved it and wanted me to hit her(knit fist) in the face as I was fucking her too, so my punishment didn't work out as I wanted it.

I'm currently running high on espresso. We got this new coffee machine at work that brews the best espresso I've ever tasted and... Well, I've been forced to have 5 cups now? My boss is almost here all the time and gives me a cup and goes "Drink up". And being dedicated to my job and surperior(s), I do as told. *Sigh* It's a tough life... We even got a radio up in the hallway too now. I can't close the office-door in case of customers, so I need to listen to the 8 songs being played over and over and over again. I swear, if I hear "I'm an albatross" one more time, I flipp my desk and go berserk. Espresso-rage anyone? Haha!

I "had" a "party" 2 weeks ago. Not previous saturday but the one before that. Well, let me take it frm the beginning; I was invited over to a friend of mine for a little "see-you"-party. She was going to fat-camp and wanted close friends to participate. As I just got to know her, I thought I might as well show up since she considered me to be a close friend and thus not let her down(good-guy much, eh?) So showing up, I realized; "Oh... I have not eaten anything today." So I had a lot of wine cause "There's plenty of food in tasty drinks" - which is a saying here in Norway. Heh, stupidest saying ever.. I ended up getting pretty drunk, getting several warnings of the host to "calm down" but after telling her that this is just how I am when I am drunk she calmed down. They were 12 girls and 1 other guy there. So the other guy(which happened to be a good friend of mine - "Sam" was his name) told me that I had been a little bit loud(as most people get when drunk), but I apparently pulling some perverted jokes and basically enjoying myself a bit too much. But I don't blame them - they haven't been partying with me before beside my one friend and they aren't used to people enjoying themselves apparently :p If I had been knocking things over and spilling drinks - alright - then I would have calmed down, but I was basically just having a bit too much fun there I sat nicely in the sofa talking and laughing. *Shrugs* Either way, the party ended and my friend told me that we should be going out clubbing. Knowing I had recently won on gambling, he wanted me to pay drinks for him. *Smirks* So I Decided to spend 100 bucks on us two. One thing I always say is "I have no problems spending money on friends" - which is why I just did so! Either way, long story short; We were tired and decided to go home to my place as I live in the center of the city. Sadly, a lot of other people thought it was nachspiel (afterparty) and followed us. They rang the bell and my friend let them in. *Sigh* He apologized later for doing so, but he was drunk and wanted a party. So people came streaming in. Luckily for me it was people I "kinda" knew, but still.. Didn't like that party. Too much shit went on. Let me just take a few examples; most of the people I kiiiinda knew, but some people I Didn't know at all. And those proceeded to eat my leftovers(which was going to be my dinner on sunday as the stores are closed at that day here in Norway), throwing my light-controller into the wall(a small remote control that controls all the lights in the penthouse), throw fruit from the fruitbowl around, resulting in a banana splashing into the plate of food this random guy had taken from the fridge, resulting in the sauce splashing all over my computer, tipping an energy drink over my computer as well and whatnot. *Sigh* I had the day before done a 100% clean-up of my apartment and after that night, everything was ruined.

Walking out the door the next day to being picked up by my parents as I was invited to dinner at their place, I saw my mailbox was gone. Really, the party people took my mailbox with them! *Sigh* I really wish that weekend never happened.. but it most certainly did. I luckily was able to get a new mailbox the same day though - all blue and shit. *Snickers*

Heh, I was starting to write this post not really knowing where to begin or what to write, but I guess I managed just nicely. Hm.. is there anything else worth mentioning? I don't think there is. *Ponders* Well, I think there is, but as of right now; there isn't. I think I will have time to write a bit more often the coming days after this weekend due to the party, so.. stay tuned. By the way, I still get a request now and then regarding my "RP" that was done here in the thread 2 posts ago. *Smiles* It really pleases me how women write to me, telling me all about how horny they got just by reading it and pleading me to continue. Well, let me know what you think about it. Share it with a friend and let me know what they thought about it. Really - all the feedback I get pleases me. And please me enough and I might just do a full story about it...~ Who knows, perhaps I Will even continue the one above?
 
*The sound of a hot cup of coffee being sipped is heard as the static disruption of an LP-player cuts in and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gn3oACxP1V8 starts to play*

Good evening.

How lovely of you to join me tonight. It has been quite a while since I last was around these parts, but alas, here I am again. On several occasions I have returned, saying to friends and the likes how they can expect me to be around, though every time I try to do so, life decides to punch me in the nose instead. Life is a bitch and then you die, as they say. But I am here again, writing my log in solitude.

I thought I had written later logs than what I currently have, but I guess it's my memory that fails me. Perhaps some of them was even deleted, but I don't remember...

I left you all with my new girlfriend. Yeah, I met one on this site which I grew rather fond of, and she had grown rather fond of me as well. Taking a chance on each other, we decided to go into a relationship. And to make the story short, as it's nothing I'd like to talk too much about at this point, I just couldn't get the feelings for her that she had for me. Many would perhaps settle with what they get and if they can be happy, but I am kinda all or nothing on that department. I'd rather grow old alone than being together with someone I don't love that much. She might even be reading my logs here, so hey, if you're my ex... stop reading my logs. Nothing good will come out of you doing so, and you need to live on and leave me in the past.

But it really goes to show. As I wrote in an earlier post, if you offer a bit of yourself, you can get a bit of someone else back, a bit that might just be the world to you. Taking chances that opens before you leads to so many different doors behind. Being single again, I feel free in a sense. I can do, say, and desire whatever I want without feeling guilty in any way. If I want to have a one-night stand, I will have one. If I want desire other women, I can do so now! Though, I am in no rush. At all. My heart is full of scars, even some bleeding wounds, but here I am, forcing it to pump harder and stronger than ever. Heh, I recently went through a period of being depressed, but my mind pulled itself through it. Imagining my being an entity makes it easier for me to stand up to it, shout in its face that I won't be pushed down.

So, some might be asking - why have I returned? What am I doing here, the place which I sought out to do something I hadn't done in a long while, and this time also got some bitter-sweet association with? Well, I'm a person who likes to put labels on others. My labels describes what kind of people they are. And not in the sense of their likes or hobbies, but mindsets and behavior. It's difficult to explain, but say I meet 10 different people, who all could be categorized under one label, I just need to talk and get to know one of them as it would tell me which label I should put on them, and then I can go to the 9 others and already know them well. I've found that every time I've told someone else about this, they've all said thats rather controversial as "everyone is special" - and yes you are. You are all different, but not completely.
But what does this have to do with me? Well, I've recently come to find what my own label is. I am turning 26 this summer, and it has taken me that long to find my own label. The reason why it has taken me almost 25 years to find that out, I've found that its because it's difficult to label oneself, but also because I am rather unique compared to most others. Heh, you might think that; yes yes, of course you think you're unique. So does everyone else! But really, I have met... 2-3 persons in my life whom I could put my own label on, but as with the others.... Oh, so many more. 50-60 per label perhaps?
I first came to this site many years ago, seeking roleplay. Finding myself without luck, I decided to look elsewhere. Then I returned in... 2014 after going through a terrible breakup. The kind which has taken a year to heal. Deciding I'd try to shake things up a little, doing something I enjoyed I threw out a decent ad about what I want for an RP partner. Getting several responses I latched onto one specifically. My ex's. She was the most alluring of them all and we started to roleplay and converse. So my appearance was because I wanted to get away and do something new in my life. My return here now as my relationship with my ex is over is somewhat perplexing to me, but not entirely. The label I bear is of one seeking help in the unknown. Wanting those without major judgment or bias opinions to listen. Feelings can often be fixed through words. Though, actions speaks often more than words. Needing feelings healed, I've come here to write to you and thus hoping you all will help me rejuvenate.

Though, why this place? Well, I already got a "blog" here. The theme here is lovely and... Well, bluemoon describes my mood these days really well. Though, feeling blue is something I embrace. I think I covered this earlier - but I welcome every emotion that I can get. Not saying I am emotionless, but there are a few emotions I so very rarely feel. Anger is one of them. Though speaking of anger, I had the pleasure of getting really angry a month or two back. Not being angry in many months, it was something small. A friend of mine and I was talking on facebook and he informed me about something which I could've written "ok" in response, but I went with the thumb up. Getting rather pissed, he suddenly lashed out at me and went on and on about how he been ignored by most friends on facebook and those who actually talk to him just gives him the thumb up. Knowing he had been going through a rough patch and thus decided to do my best to be there for him and talking about everything and nothing, I got genuinely angry and set him straight. He later on apologized, but I felt so exhilarated in the way it just fired me up. I'm not too happy with the fact that it only lasted a few minutes. But yes, all of my emotions that I rarely get, I want more of. What's life if you can't enjoy every aspect of it?

It's typical... I've been thinking of writing here very much these last 2 days, and didn't get around to do it before now. Though, forgotten most of what I wanted to write down. Which is typical as said. It was all supposed to be deep and immersing as well, but oh well... Another treat for another time.

This newyears eve, I had a party at my place. It's something that seem to happen every other year right now. I don't mind it as I enjoy having close friends over, but it certainly leaves quite the aftermath. Having my maid on a way less frequent schedule since then, I need to do some things myself as well. I'd rather not, but it has to be done. So on the newyears party, we kept going till 10 in the morning. Falling asleep on my bed, I woke up in the evening. That moment when I woke up was one of my best moments I've ever had alone. Well, there were other people here as well, but I didn't really care about them at that moment. I woke up, felt the pounding headache, slid into my silk-kimono which I got in Thailand some years ago and came out into the livingroom which was pristine clean(I had apparently cleaned it in my drunken state before I went to bed) and to the kitchen to get a cold beverage. Non-alcoholic of course. Sitting there, staring out my window over the city in the night, hearing the faint sound of a distant policesiren while the sound of smooth jazz coming from my speakers, all my worries, thoughts and feelings melted away. I was simply an entity which was just living at that point. Thinking about nothing(Ladies, we guys got a box in our head. Inside is NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. Free from all thoughts, feelings, sense of color and opinions. We have the ability to sneak in there and stay there for an undecided amount of time), and enjoying my beverage. The lights was dim, creating this lovely moody scenery as my guests were calmly chatting among themselves in the background. Don't remember too much else from that day, but I think I watched some hentai and then went to sleep again. Classy, right? Heh, I don't really remember... but I wouldn't be surprised if I did.
But the reason I am telling you this story is because of this song! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egUQju95vT8 Go ahead, press play! The song is about a girl who is in love with her best friend. "I wanna ruin our friendship. We should be lovers in stead" are some of her words. I really took that song and its message to heart as I found the song to be good, but the message to be... exhilarating. Now, I am not saying you should, or that I want to fuck all of my friends, but having casual sex without strings attached is... alluring. To be able to invite a friend over, having a couple of drinks, watch a movie, talk, discuss, listen to some music, and perhaps dance a little, and then indulge in an evening of erotic pleasures, leaving us without any strings in the morning. Of course, it's much easier to write that here, and I know it's different in real life if one is actually able to get casual fun like that, but it's the idea... It's one I like to play around with but wouldn't exactly be pursuing. Don't think I'd turn it down either, but... *Shrug* I don't know where my life is taking me right now. Because...






*Silence covers the post like a set of silksheats covers a bed. An odd sound is heard in the distance fading in; (We all know the rules, right? Don't click this link before the previous song is done playing.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j95HbhTl60k *



I've been without a job for soon 7 months now. Being on welfare in the meanwhile, I don't really suffer throughout the days. I still have the option to gamble as I've told you guys that I am a very avid fan of, with the expense of my foodbudget. Either way, I was recently put in schooling through the government to learn to apply for jobs better. Getting a job here where I live is a bit more difficult than other places I'd say, as I keep hearing about how and what's normal when one approach for a job in other countries. If I had for example been in America, I'd have a lot of jobs by my feet before even showing up. Heh, well, so I like to think at least. Though, on my first day in the school(Which went over 2 weeks by the way), we had a round of introduction. Standing up, one were to tell the others about who you was, what you had been through in the terms of applying for a job, what education you had and so on. Listening to everyone as I was last, I felt rather confident in what I was going to say. Going last is the best through such things in my opinion. Often, going last is very good in different things. Because in this matter, hearing everyone introducing themselves, I could analyze their information, decide which was important to give say, what to add and what to perhaps not say. One of my classmates said he really wanted to get to know each and every one of us, but in school, I am the silent kid. The one who sits and watches the others, keeping a soft smirk on his lips while doing his assignment on time. Well, the later years that is~
So, when it was my turn, I stood up and started. Who I was, tiny window to my private life, going through my education, line of work, desired jobs and of course, some hobbies and skills.

80% of all jobs aren't published in Norway. That's A LOT! It means that those 80% are given and highlighted through networking of friends, internal recruiting in a company and the likes. Our government got a welfare system called NAV. Many employers goes to NAV and tell them "Hey, we need a blabla. Do you got one?" And to receive money from the welfare, you need to be registered in their database and be willing to do any paid work. Now, the times where employers reach out to NAV, they will be creating a reserved job. A job which is reserved from the public, and is up to each councilor's judgment to which fits these jobs. So standing there, speaking big about myself, the teacher turned a playful smile at me and said "You... I got some good things for you!". Smiling back, I sat down and looked around at my fellow students which apparently was rather baffled about my experience despite my age. And that the teacher having some reserved positions for me already, well, I became the talk of the week due to it. Though, after sitting down, I also made it known that I was only desiring a job from this schooling and that I had no intention to make any friends there at all. I'm a bit weird like that I guess. I have little to no desire in making friends through schools and I always make myself heard in that by announcing it at one point in the beginning of the semester.

So, a few days later from then(This was... a week ago), I got a call for an interview. Now, here's the thing with interviews. If I get an interview, the job is mine. I don't know what it is, but people have always given me the job whenever I have been called in for an interview, and the employer said straight out that she really liked me as soon as I opened my mouth when I came to greet her with an outstretched hand and a smile. Kinda feel like I am bragging again, but is it bragging if it's true? I don't know... Either way, here I am... the job is mine, and I am currently in work... for now. The job was only a temporary one where I will work for 1.5 months. I am starting early tomorrow, and I am kinda writing the night away with this. But I know what I am going to do tomorrow, so I can show up tired. That's fine.

Though, you might question my motives with it all being temporary. You see, after my contract ends with this place, I will have a fresh reference to add to my resume, some extra cash than I would have while on welfare, and most important... the chance to get my foot in that line of work later on. After the summervacation, there are big possibilities that I can get something long-term there. But we'll see.

I have a friend whom... are helpful when it comes to get my hand in the big picture. Having friends in high places, really high places really helps! Heh, I'm sure I've written about it before somewhere, but there's an industrial park about a thousand feet away which I really hope I can get a job at. Though, having applied before, I wasn't drafted. I was tipped at the internal position that had opened by my friend. I was recently contacted by him and he told me about another position opening within it. Throwing myself over the phone as fast as I could, I called the boss there and asked around, playing "dumb" to get most information out of him and play really enthusiastic about learning about it. While my feelings of enthusiasm are genuine, my knowledge of the work they do there are not. I knew much more than I let on to be to the guy, but it's one of my few tricks of getting my foot in the door. So, with the phonecall, I am very likely to be contacted when my now-running contract runs out, to get over to the industrial park. Now, the industrial park job will only be temporary as well, but having worked there a little makes it VERY much easier to get into a permanent position. And once I do, well.... Life starts.


But, I should really go to bed now if I am to function at all tomorrow. I will be checking out some of the forum games running, perhaps reply on a few, but after that - straight to bed.

Care to listen to a Rose of May? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnovgNwQOdY
 
Should this be a thing now? Always link a song on the beginning of my post to set the mood? Hehe, well perhaps. Sometimes I will be in the mood to just write, and not listen to any music, or try to set a mood.

Though, today's post is a bit different. To most of you guys, this post might be considered trash. But to me, it holds a very important chapter in my life. One which turns out to be curious, filled with wonders and magic, and... perhaps a spark of hope.

Oh right, the music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifBPdXWImL4



Soon... 2 weeks ago, my ex and I broke up. A mutual breakup. ...is there even a such thing? A mutual breakup? We both knew our destiny together was doomed. Or was it...? Did one of us secretly think that something would work out? I am rather... emotionless when it comes to breakups. I've never cried or really shown much emotions in those moments. I don't know why, but it's just not who I am, or what I do. However, with this woman, I shed tears. Feeling the first tear slide down my chin, I must have been in shock of the fact that I was teary and stopped it at once. Almost as if I was afraid my manhood was about to disappear. More came to follow later when I thought about my brother. Heh, that son of a bitch(wait, what? doesn't that make me a son of a bitch too?) always makes me tear up when I think about him.

But then she said it ... "You're the best I ever had." At first I didn't reply. I looked at her sad, and took her words in to me. She was crying and could barely speak. I felt so horrible of not showing emotions.. I always do. The woman is tearing up in front of me, and here I am, looking sad. Stern stoic faces... Then the words reached my heart. The head didn't knew what to do with the words, so for the first time in a very long time, it sent the words down to my scarred heart... " You're also the best I ever had..." I replied after a little while. My heart spoke. I didn't think at first that she was the best I ever had, but with only seconds, which felt like minutes, of thought, I realized that she was indeed the best I had ever had. So slowly, I started thinking... Days after we broke up. "Why did we break up?" Sure, the distance was the factor here, she living in USA, and I lived in Norway, but... was that truly the reasons?

The days ever since has been... interesting. I got a job, I got new investors, and basically, life took a turn for the better. Ironically enough, things was actually starting to look better for me. Though, whenever I thought of my past, I grew sad. I feel like I just recently have started to feel what I have truly lost. I've always said - all or nothing. That I want a woman I can fall deeply in love with and be with till my days on this earth runs out. Though, my ex.. I wasn't deeply in love with her. But I loved her. Does one settle for what one get? Does one look for more than what one get? I know that as a man, I have primal instincts. Of having several lovers, always be on the prowl for more, be the one who provides, be the one without too many emotions etc etc. But I am happy with just one lover... I don't want to always be on the prowl... I am happy with a woman who provides as well, and I don't mind showing emotions either - given they come naturally.

Then, on the bus yesterday as I was dozing off after a long day at work and just wanting to get home, I started to think about the book I am writing. Thinking about what actually happened in my life at the different points(I've been writing this book for over 10 years, so much has happened), and how it made me feel. In the midst of it, my prince appeared before me...

I don't think I've told anyone here about him, but I have a fantasy friend. That's as well as I can describe it. Or perhaps - a fantasy deity? I feel like there is an entity always with me, one from the underworld. No, not satan, but an appearance like him. The Unholy Prince of Darkness. No, no, I am not mad(That's all those who turn mad says, right?), but ever since my awakening, I've felt that this appearance was.. available to me. One night a few years ago, I woke up and I felt a presence in the room. A female being was in the room, but I couldn't feel it. All I knew was "She has come to me". And shortly after, a male being have been with me. This is a rather complex matter to explain, but let's call it my alter ego whom looks out for me when I simply cannot, alright?

Anyways, my prince appeared in my mind and looked at me. His flaming red eyes, stared me down as he turned his back to me, leaving his long velvet cape dancing gently from side to side. "My... prince turned his back on me?" I thought. Up to that point, I had achieved so much since the breakup. Promises for a long-term job, or at least some work, and even the foot inside the industrial park as explained earlier. It was as if I had sacrificed one I loved for my own fortune.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMD1k16baVE

He planted a seed of doubt in me. He wanted me to reflect more. He demanded me to think this all over. What if there was truly nobody better than her? What if we was destined to be together? What if... she doesn't feel that way anymore? I knew that she had me at a deadline, wanting an answer if we should take a chance on each other so I guess subconsciously my feelings panicked whenever she asked me. One shouldn't force feelings, though it felt a little bit like it towards the end. The mistake I did, however, was thinking "What if she already found someone else?" What if I realized that everything I have done and said had been for the better of a couple in the similar situation, but not for specifically us both. I always try to think logic thoughts in situations like this as it's what I cling to when things gets very trying, but sometimes... just sometimes, one need to screw logic and follow your heart... I feel like my logic silenced my heart. Kept it in a cage. It was beating for her, but my ears belong to my mind which refused to listen. I don't know anymore... I feel lost. The very thought of her being outside my reach if I am to reach out to her again scares me. More than my dreams ever have...

Though, with the distance still being there, the logical reasons doesn't change. She had... reasons why she might not want to move to Norway and in with me, and I am leery about moving to USA. I mean, its' a great country in many ways, but.. I live in Norway! One of the richest countries in the world! There's so much here I couldn't leave behind... or could I? Would I want to be content with what I could get instead of being content of having my heart at ease? Let's put this straight: The mind is the heart's bitch. If your heart desire to.. say, kick seagulls in stomach every day, your mind will find a way to get you a job as a seagull-kicker! (No, that's not an actual job over here, just a silly example).

I don't feel ready for marriage just yet. It's a cultural thing here in Norway, most people get married around 30ish. Though, I am soon there. The only way she could stay with me in Norway is if she marries me. And I... am afraid. I love how my life is right now, but I want a girl I love as well with me in all of this. But I am afraid of how it could change. I guess.. it doesn't have to change at all... right? I mean.. I will still have a girl who I love and is with me, right? It'll just be different on paper. Ah, and of course it would be promising to be with each other for eternity, but...

Bah, I don't know. Marriage doesn't sound too bad now... Feeling I would be okay alone till I die, I also feel I want to have someone. Being so terrible alone does things to one. Life is hard. Especially when your heart grows strong, breaks out of the bars the brain sets and enslaves the brain all kinky with ballgags and whips. Heh. even if I were to propose to her, she had things on her own end that she couldn't ignore. Things that made her want to stay in USA, for just a little while longer. Though, reasons which would pale to the thought of being together with the one she loves forever... right?

I feel like I have somewhat made up my mind regarding my course of action, but I will take a week to think about it. To reflect upon every last bit and make a definite idea of what I want. I am not getting any younger, and she was truly the best I have ever had. Though, I don't know if she would still want me... If she has already moved on(Moving on already when it has been under 2 weeks sounds stupid, but I don't know. The last time we spoke, she said her friends and family had told her things that was best for her, without taking into consideration what was best for her heart.), or if there would still be obstacles in the way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fzW4ja29lw


Starting to write this post I had mixed feelings. But "talking" about them, they was more and more set straight. I have a little while to go, but this surprisingly accelerated it. Could this perhaps apply to those of you who read this? Being in a relationship where distance is the obstacle, and then one feeling weakhearted about it? I'm not sure if I am looking for answers with this post, or if I am simply giving myself therapy by writing. The obstacles on my side feels so small and meaningless when I put them to words. My biggest "argument" that things wouldn't work out the way we kinda had planned was that I wasn't ready to marry. But even that feels so meaningless now. Several of my friends are engaged, and one even are married.

I'll be taking the week to further reflect upon this. And if my prince should favor us, I only hope I am not too late. Should I see her not wanting me or already have moved on, my heart would get a bigger scar than all of my current ones put together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sonLd-32ns4

(Oh yes, I know this post is a complete mess, but it reflects me as of now. Hence why most might find this as "trash".)
 
So, here's another post that'll probably be considered as trash to most of you. Heh, perhaps I one day will look back at it and think the same, but right now, and what I hope to be - this post will be a part of my future in a good way.

The feelings I've had for the woman I've been writing about, has only grown. The heartache is real, and her vague responses are killing me. Though, with the vague responses I am getting so far, I try to be calm and collect about them. Am I being -too- calm and collect though? Should I show more desperation and demand answer to this and that? I don't know... At this point, I am questioning my very self, why I am here and life itself. While I knew about love, I have never been this deeply in love with anyone before. But it feels like a clean love even though parts of it are muddy. Contradicting, I know, but let me try to elaborate.

Should she say no, and not wanting me back, then I would be heartbroken. More than I currently am. I doubt I will have suicidal thoughts, but I am afraid that I will. Yeah, I'm afraid... These are strong feelings that I haven't had for anyone before, and I don't know how to react properly to them. Feelings I've had before, like anger are just fine as I can handle myself in those cases. But now... I am lost.
Oh right, why this was a "clean love". So, after going into a tremendously deep depression if I get rejected, I will slowly rebuild. I would slowly start feeding myself lies about her, putting myself inside an illusion of that she's not good for me in any way. And only then, I can move on with my life to some degree. Stronger, more coarse and crude than before. While my heart having almost only scartissue after that, I can move on and maybe.. Only maybe feel something barely close to this love once more.
So, that's what I call clean. I call it clean because it's love, I get a no, I get sad, but I get over it. As a normal course of action, ISH.
Though, keep in mind that it sounds a lot simpler than it actually is... That I would NOT want whats written above here.
But here's why things are also muddy as well. Before 2 weeks after our breakup, I started having feelings for her. But when I approached her, she seemed... well, vague in responses. Almost like.. a friend...ish person would do. Well, it was another seed of fear. Then of course, my mind started wandering. Has she friendzoned me? Is there a way I could ever bring what we had together, even though I now rage like an inferno of love for her? Has she lost a part of her soul which I have seen happen in other women?(Yes, it's true. The two last women I was with were "damaged goods". Hate to put it like that, but its the best way I could describe it. After being together with me and then when broke up, they acted as if they had lost a good chunk of their soul. It's difficult to describe, but I would almost say it's like... Living on lies. Living on illusions. And while that are okay for some, they doesn't appear to be as happy as they was with me. To be as free, to be as joyful, to be as.. TRUE as they were when we was together. Heh, I know it sounds a bit "I am best, stay with me"-kinda thing, but... is it so wrong to say when it goes to show it was what's true?) Has she perhaps put up walls around herself and not letting anyone in, or... has another man grabbed her heart?
The latter scares me the most. The other things, I could cope with to a degree, but I know her... I know how loyal she is, even though it goes against her own heart sometimes. It scares me to think that in under only 2 weeks, she's willing to throw away everything we've spent almost 2 years in building, experiencing and growing together, only for a new guy.. A new guy she would have to start over again with. One that wouldn't truly understand what a goddess she is...

And thus my mind stopped... Right now. I couldn't write any more of my fears... Tears forces their way down my cheeks. The salty taste sneaks into my mouth, and I am slowly dragged into even deeper depression. The thoughts... of losing all we have... to someone else, for her starting anew with this person... In under two weeks of separation... It also makes me think that she didn't value what we had. That she was looking at other options, despite showing me smiles day in and day out, writing lovely whatnots etc on my facebookwall, inbox and even on skype. Though, she couldn't have gone to someone else this fast... right? If she did, it would only end up being her rebound, something which then and there seems all nice and fun, but when the dust settles, she realizes what she had and wants me back, right? Well, even if so.. it scares me. Because as said; she's loyal. If she's loyal with her rebound, well... then she'll eventually live a life with the illusion of love. Is the illusion of love actually love?

Heh, one of my friends are coming over now. He hadn't heard from me in a couple of days and of course had to hit me when I was crying like a little bitch, by calling me on the phone.

But readers, if there even are any... please help me... What can I do? She has always feared being the one in a relationship where she loves the other the most, but now, I can with my throbbing heart in my hand say for 100% certainty, that her love is at least matched, if not surpassed... by more than she could imagine...

Please.. help me...
 
<The rest of the pages in this tome seems to be smeared by some sort of liquid and are rendered unreadable>
 
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