Being Honest Online

[CuteDragon]

Wow heavy topic for my firts post, but I was told to get out there and get talking.

I'm female by gender, and I see mayeself as female in my head. My brother is a boy struggling with trans feelings and I know he prtrays himself as a girl online in order to feel more like how he feels on the inside.

Like some others, I've sometimes joined online communities in an androgynous way so as not to attract undue interest from boys. I like boys and girls, and I am in a relationship witha girl right now, bit I've also dated boys. But I find that some boys find it hard to suppress their... enthusiasm whenthey know you are a 'real girl' and not a fake.

One thing I would sayis when many guys pretend to be girls, it sometimes makes it more challenging to be taken seriously as a woman in places such as this as there is, often, an instant suspician that I might not be what I claim to be?

 

[Lockdown]

I never lie (Or at least try to) it has a sour taste when it escapes my lips. But I also value privacy. Only those I trust will know certain aspects of me and my life. But even then they’ll be common so as to not be able to find me out from the common populace. You never know who you’re truly talking to, so it’s best to be careful.

 

[SoleAccord]

I do my best to be honest about who I am, what I do, and what I like. If there's something I'm not comfortable talking about, I'll say so, and all my partners accept that answer for what it is. I don't like liars; if you don't want to answer something, just say so.

 

[Sync]

I tend to operate under the "Everything I told you is true; I just didn't tell you everything" principle.

 

[knockknock]

I have lied a lot in the past for various reasons. I have never lied about my gender but I have (in the past) lied to make myself seem more attractive as a potential writing partner. I quickly found that this was not the best approach because it only end up setting the scene up for failure. Neither of us would get what we were expecting or wanting out of the situation.

On top of this practice setting unrealistic expectations I also found that when I found a person I really did click with I felt guilty because I was lying to them. As I have gotten older and matured as a person I have discovered that lying about anything is just bad policy. That does not mean you have to share everything. Everyone has a right to keep private whatever they wanna keep private. And there are some real creeps out there. But if you want to meet someone, get a good story going maybe have a connection and be friends whatever, you gotta be as honest as you can be. I feel so guilty about some of the things I have told people in the past. People are people whether at the grocery store, at work, here on BM or anywehre else. Be careful with who you associate with but be good, be kind and be honest. In the end it is what is best for yourself.

 

[Passion]

I'm pretty simple. I'm either going to be honest, or I'm not going to disclose.

To me, it is best to be honest or keep your mouth shut.

 

[mr.phtlc]

I don't lie, but I do not give personal details

 

[MrNyarlathotep]

I'm the type of person who wears their emotions on their sleeves for better or worse, usually for the worse. I've never been a good liar, and I don't lie very often. I probably should lie more, but it's just not in my skill set.

I don't like to talk about my personal life because it's fairly banal.

 

[EquinoxRoad]

I never _lied_ - people _assumed_ someone who had a female character and who had the name of a famous shapeshifter was female.

I’ve had to quietly correct that again and again. But my first ERP partner was male, I’ve never seen anything wrong with two guys writing fantasy Erotica or straight out porn (although that is not my interest) and I’m in the very odd position of having an upbringing without a strong father figure in a positive position - indeed, he was (and is) a cautionary fear I’ve had to unwrap the closer I get to his age. But I did have numerous strong and inspiring female figures - so I have a remarkably feminine psychology for a dominant, seriously hetro in terms of physical arousal, male. I adore queer culture, but I’m _so_ not a part of that, nor gay culture… maybe more kink culture, but…

… the internet has been a safe place to explore for years. I’ve been badly, badly, brutally hurt by lies and accusations of abuse because I was foolish enough to let it drift over to people I knew, and worse I was unhappy enough at the time I let myself get too mentally involved and too jealous… but everyone knew who everyone else was. So when it exploded, it tore my life - and my partners life - apart. Worse, it tore apart the ‘other woman’ (who for the record, I never crossed a line she was unwilling to cross, while well - the one time I did, I was out of my mind from dehydration, post-Covid infection and lack of sleep, and even then I withdrew my posts as quickly as possible and tried to make amends, sadly, but that point the damage was done - not with involved parties, but with others - people can be remarkably under developed in their adult social skills and their desire for scandal, and to look for a reason to cut someone who had ‘taken sides’ in other arguments apart) - and she is today still a close friend.

I regret that, intensely - but I was honest all the way through and it bought me nothing. I was not open all the way through, and since then I’ve had people I know close to me who do ERP express a strong desire that the subject be kept silent, including a genuinely kind, adult, intelligent person who simply commented how viciously they’d seen friends turn on women black marked.

That’s sick, it’s wrong and it’s stupid. Because I am quite perceptive and personable enough to know 90% of people in my social circles are up to something.

So online, I maintain a reasonable degree of separation - there are people in RL who may well use this site and recognise me from this post. But I could also be one of a hundred people.

I am however, within the broad ethical concept that ‘outsiders should not see more than they want, and insiders should not have more than they want displayed’ unwilling to confirm exact identifies to people.

I’ve turned away people who have crossed the line between friendship (and yes, even affection) into unwanted attention and tried to police myself - I am designed by nature to look for the novel. But those close to me are aware, and can ask any question they like and get an honest answer, and I don’t expect other people to keep my secrets from a lover. I do expect the fact that you’re engaging in something of this nature to be discussed with them, otherwise I’m complicit in cheating, and that’s crap. As a bonus, when I’m not if any friendship or affection does develop, it can be held at a distance in the safe space it belongs in until life decides to shake up our lives.

Because I value everything from the plain writing and loose chatter about sex - something I’m _quite_ keen on, right through to the occasional… superb friend I’ve met through chance ERP. I also mourn the loss of those relationships. Because building more is a struggle.

So yes, I’m honest - nothing on here is a lie, and it’s probably enough if you knew me to go ‘oh, that’s X’ but not with any sense of sureness unless you knew a lot more, in which case I’d like to hope that you’d have the discretion not to blurt things out.

And no, I wasn’t always like this - it’s taken a fair few learning experiences and attempts to broaden my horizons to get here, and on the way I did make mistakes - and I also failed. But failure happens, I’m sure I’ll make more.

But just as sure, I know I need the distraction this offers.

So I try to balance the right and wrong imperfectly, but there is a clear difference between saying ‘I don’t know you well enough to share my identity’ and outright lying about it, I feel.

-E

 

[obieblu]

I am however, within the broad ethical concept that ‘outsiders should not see more than they want, and insiders should not have more than they want displayed’ unwilling to confirm exact identifies to people.

I love this. Thank you for typing it out.

This how I've approached it since adulthood. Back in college when online relationships and especially online RP was half 'therapy' and half hobby, I did gush and got gushed on a lot. Now, I just want the hobby because I've got enough problems and don't want to hear others'. It's not selfish, it's self-care. I'm really show to share personal information, especially negative stuff. I'll only drop very vague high-level sentiments like "Yeah, I hate my job, too." The fastest way to get me to regret engaging with you is to tell me about all the family cancer and your sick pet that you can't afford to get meds for and how your car got repossessed. That's maybe 6 months in the future for me if we OOC chat regularly. Sharing IRL sexual stuff is even more touchy. I almost never do, and those rare times, it was just a really comfortable exchange that grew from talking about RP kinks/limits and into comical anecdotes that weren't at all predatory or invasive. There's no formula for making that happen, so just don't try to make it happen.

 

[EquinoxRoad]

I love this. Thank you for typing it out.

There's no formula for making that happen, so just don't try to make it happen.

There’s an irony here - I learned that from the most adult book on kink I’ve ever read, which healed a… long standing issue in my heart.

The irony is I place more trust… no. That’s not right, that I am _seeking_ those trusted relationships you can’t force, and I damn well do over share something chronic on occasion, I have bits of paper to prove I’m certified to tend to do so. Particularly when I’m battered down, because as a natural extrovert I need that outlet. So I have to watch my words closely, I know when I’ve crossed bridges. I try not to - but if I said didn’t make errors now, that’d be a bit rich.

Not - as you say, out of selfishness, but out of self-care. I go mad as hatter if all the words stay inside my head.

But equally, your points are perfectly articulated, absolutely clear and acceptable to me and reflect my own feelings on the need for barriers.

But then again, we’re all in different situations - and I can say with clear certainty that _erotica_ is more than a hobby for me - not specifically ERP, but ERP is the easiest to access form.

It’s also different for me - I started with only a close circle who have since moved on, and because I moved on from that gushing environment… well, it’s like dating when you’re older, just differently complex and more mature, or at least I try damn hard to be, even when I screw up.

But… maybe it’s not _ironic_ that opposite development leads to the same place, yet different struggles. I think that’s a good thing, it means the place might be right.

Interesting. Thank you for the response. That gives me something to think on.

 

[snicker-sage]

I have been lied by some of my past partners online before, so i wouldn’t be against honesty.

 

[Silvered Sutures]

So, how do you feel about the question of honesty and the necessity of anonymity on the internet?

It's a difficult matter to summarize in my opinion, but I'll try to answer all the questions in the first post to elucidate my thoughts on the matter.

Do you consider it shameful when people hide who they really are?

Absolutely not. Just like I am entitled to my own, they are entitled to their privacy.

How far is too far, in your opinion, when it comes to someone hiding their identity?

When they ask you for information about yourself they are not willing to share themselves.

Are you ever scared about being victimized?

I'm 4'11" and 98lbs. Of course I am. That's just being sane. It doesn't stop me, however.

But the truth is, you have no clue, do you?

That's true. I don't unless I really want to dive deep into the inner lining, go fetch your IP, prod it for all the information its worth, find your identity, delve into your personal life... so like, 3 days of work. It's a needless hassle, really.

But lying about yourself doesn't automatically mean you're one of "them", those predators, does it?

Not until you're using it to obtain something from the other person.

I mean, let's assume pictures are never shown, numbers are never traded, money is never touched or exchanged; the only thing is the person you've been talking to has been telling stories about who they are. If you never find out and still maintain a friendship with them(let's say you both play games together and you like gaming with them), was what they did to you wrong?

Objectively, it is deceitful and therefore wrong, but it's not the end of the world. A small wrong.

Even if you did find out, would it be enough to completely reject them and stop gaming with them forever, even though nothing they ever did affected you negatively and really didn't affect what you enjoyed about them most, namely, playing games?

I would say yes here, not because I don't understand, but it means our "friendship" was predicated on dishonesty. If you don't want to share the truth, just tell me you'd rather not say instead of making me imagine a different person. I'd respect that, personally.

Where do you draw the line?

If you lie to me about yourself, but intend me to be honest in turn? Line drawn.

Stealing pictures seems to be a big deal breaker for some but I admit to having done it before. And even knowing that others could do it to me, I share my photos online without a second thought(mostly because I seriously believe you could find better models for your persona out there and would feel flattered if chosen to be your "mask"). Does it make you pause for a second before sharing if you know that there are those out there who may right click on your images and take them for their own?

There's a reason my face seldom appears online and I delete my IRL pictures shortly after sharing them.

What do you consider a bad reason for lying?

Sharing false information to obtain something from someone else.

Is there a good reason?

Protecting your life or those of your loved ones.

Back when I first joined Blue Moon, I lied about my gender because there is a serious prejudice on adult role-playing sites towards certain genders wanting to play the opposite side. If I made a thread in the females request section right now, with this male-themed name and male themed everything and said "I'm a guy but I'd like to play a female character" how many PMs do you think I'd get from horny guys looking to role-play a smutty story with me?

Can't say for sure, but as someone who prefers playing a hermaphrodite opposite a female character, I don't really care what the other writer has going on in their trousers.

How about vice-versa?

I don't give credence to the belief that all women are bisexual, but it is more likely to succeed based on open-mindedness alone.

Have you ever lied about anything online?

I used to pretend I was cis-female online when I had a complex about the way I was born. I realized it just didn't matter in the end and nobody treats me differently regardless.

Have you ever felt bad about it or did you feel entitled for some reason?

Well, sure, it felt wrong. I was lying about myself because I disliked a part of myself. How could I feel good about that?

Is it important to you that people always tell you the truth about everything online?

I'd rather they refuse to disclose than lie, yes. But if they feel in danger, for some reason, I can understand the desire to lie.

When, if ever, is it not important to you?

When you're explicitly playing a character.

Have you ever had an experience where someone lied to you and you found out?

Often. It's very easy to find out people's information through their IP addresses, which is itself very easily accessible. I've stopped doing that kind of stuff because its equally immoral, but you know... I used to.

How did you react and why?

They dropped in my esteem and I usually left them to their own little fantasies. Their life is not my business, anyway.

What made it okay? What made it totally not cool?

Little white lies are always fine. If you don't feel like talking so you tell me you're going to sleep but I see you online on steam in two hours, I'm not gonna jump at your throat for that. I get it, you were socialized out and didn't wanna offend me. But if you tell me an outright lie like; "I'm actually a 17 year old girl named Jennifer and need help with my first tax document, could you come over?" when you're actually Mikael, a 42 year old amateur taxidermist with young women in your basement waiting to be your next project? I'm less forgiving.

Have you ever been conned out of money by someone on the computer? Has this changed your view of the truth and how readily you part with personal information?

Yup. Young Sue was a dumbass. I lost 50$ to a "flash sale", with the item never showing up.

What do you do when a friend asks for personal information?

Depends how personal. If I'm uneasy with the information, I'll usually go with the old childhood "share yours and I'll share mine", and if they're unwilling? Well; they're not a friend for asking of me something they wouldn't share themselves.

What criteria does someone have to fill out to be okay and trustworthy?

Everyone is trustworthy until they prove themselves otherwise. Usually, this is by lying.

Is a phone call, photo, Facebook profile or Skype call enough?

No. All of those are easy to fake.

Come on, Blue Moon, let's talk about it. Be... honest.

I'm down if you're down.