Critique Me (gently?)

[Xanaphia]

So this is something I wrote last month and I am fairly proud of it. I do feel like the first paragraph is a somewhat choppy. I feel like I need to vary my syntax, but not sure where to start with that.

They went upstairs with a cautious enthusiasm. They didn’t want this, they needed it. Nathen barely closed the door before Minerva was on him again, channeling all her painful emotions into pure yearning for him. Removing his armor without a moment’s hesitation, she revealed the scars he spoke about earlier. She kissed them delicately, planting little pecks all over his body. Sighing softly with each show of affection, Nathen ran his fingers through her short hair. He was tugging at her armor when he could, eager to feel her flesh against his and she complied with him, taking her armor and small clothes off in a single motion. She pulled him down on top of her, both falling onto the bed and each other. “May I worship at your altar, Valkyrie?” He whispered, moving his head down her body.

“My altar?” she asked before she understood his meaning, “ …ahhhh…” Hearing her moaning with pleasure now, he kissed the sensitive nub of her femininity. He prayed silent supplications to her and her body provided him with blessings, her outer lips gleaming with moisture. She could feel the blood flowing there, swelling her in desire. “Nhnn, Nathen…I want you…” she was begging him, her back arching her further into him, her legs squeezing the sides of his head. Climbing on top of her now, he didn’t need much more convincing and he aligned his hips with hers. She pulled him into a deep kiss, tasting her juices on his mouth.

He melted into her slowly, gently. More tender than some might think he was capable of, though this kind treatment did not surprise Minerva. Careful not to hurt her, he let her body adjust to him as he sank into her warmth. Her soft inner walls did not resist him, instead hugging him tightly as he plunged deeper into her. Soon he had filled her with his vigor, and he began to move in her. His hips starting a slow, powerful rhythm that she matched, zealously accepting his motions.

Their mouths and lips and tongues were intertwined, hungering for one another, each seeking to fill a void within their hearts. The two powerful warriors who glories could fill volumes were, in this moment, fragile, vulnerable. It is a terrifying thing, to be so open to another person, but they faced it bravely together, as they had faced such challenges in the past. Their mouth occasionally met each other’s, and other times she was kissing and biting his neck and chest, while he planted tantalizing kisses on her forehead and in her hair. Sometimes a passionate thrust would send her into ecstasy, leaning her head back and revealing her slender neck to his mouth and tongue, which he took advantage of to send her to new heights of fervor.

Their lovemaking continued this slow yet intense pace for a while. Neither person was in a rush to reach a climax, content to enjoy one another’s bodies for the time being. They were covered in sweat and fluids, yet it just made them want each other more. She was sitting on his lap now, her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. He was using gravity to assist his strokes, filling her up with his member time and time again. They were both close to exhaustion now, a pleasant aching coming up through their bodies. He knew he was running out of energy and self-control, so he used the last of his strength to thrust into her, as powerfully as he could muster. She reacts in kind, bouncing against him with renewed vigor, a powerful shudder running through her body. She tenses around him, digging her nails into his back, overcome by the intense sensation ringing throughout her core. Nathen felt it too, and knowing that she had been brought to satisfaction, allowed himself relief. With a final insertion that had him completely inside her, as much as possible without causing her pain, he released his seed into her. She was saturated with it, and it flowed into her willing womb. They fell on their sides, lacking the strength to separate from their sweaty embrace. Nathen was asleep before her, and looking upon him, she wondered for a brief moment if she had made some mistake, lying with him and taking no precautions against conception. Perhaps conceiving his child would not be such a bad thing…. She thought sweetly as she fell into a deep slumber.

 

[littlerooster]

You will get all sorts of different feedback depending on people's tastes of course. I didn't have a problem with your writing itself. For me and I say this not knowing if this is how the RP or Story starts, but I tend to be more interested in characters motivations, their back grounds and generally what has brought them to where they are.

So that said, we have two warriors making love, are they on the same side, opposing sides, old foes, just met, how is being a warrior relevant to the story and who they are? Why are they so attracted to each other?

These are the things I like to know whether it be a story or RP. Basically make me care about the characters by bringing them to life.

I hope that was some help to you.

 

[Alan23]

Well, the first thing any aspiring writer needs to do is not specify that others' criticism should be gentle. If you really want to be the best you can be, ask for it to be ripped to bloody shreds, totally eviscerated! If people are treating your ego with kid gloves, the whole exercise is a waste of time. So, I'm going to spoiler-star this, and if you don't want criticism outside the terms of your brief, you needn't read on.

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Still here? Good start! You obviously really want to improve, and willing to put your ego on the line to do so. OK, then - here we go.

In my view, the pacing of prose is one of the most grossly neglected areas of creative writing - probably because it's the most difficult thing to explain.

Try reading your first paragraph aloud. Does it not sound just a tiny bit like a shopping list? It's not enough to simply tell your reader what is happening. If you want to really get hold of their emotions - you have to make them believe that what you are telling them is true. If you could maybe vary your sentence length, and try to make it read at the same pace as the actions you describe would actually happen, you would find it much easier to draw your reader in, and make them wonder what is going to happen next.

Your last paragraph has the opposite problem. I'm glad there's never going to be an audio book of this, 'cos the person who reads it is going to need an oxygen cylinder. And then there's all that swapping of tense between third and first person, which really jars.

You might also need to watch grammar. The phrase "The two powerful warriors who glories could fill volumes" does not seem to make much sense. And her thinking "Perhaps conceiving his child would not be such a bad thing" should really have been in quotes or italics.

OK, you probably hate me right now, yeah? But consider this. I read this excerpt right through to the end, and finished it hungry for more. And was intrigued enough to comment. And given the nature of the internet, and just how much information one is bombarded with, it's not a bad achievement to keep a non-captive audience reading for so long. You obviously have all the basics - you know how to draw good characters, your dialog is interesting without being ridiculously purple, and you can write about sex without using cliches. Me, I'd love to see what happens next.

Feel free to PM me if you disagree with anything I've said... styles differ, and you might well have perfectly good reasons for handling things the way you did.

All the best
Sy