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Criticism please!

First off, holy shit space your paragraphs. Those are the most obnoxious walls of text ever. Space that shit.
 
Sorry they where spaced in the word document pasting did not go over to well but thanks for at least glancing at it i'll fix that
 
You also need to start using commas, because that's also making it hard to read it simply because it's a giant string of actions and happenings. Also...stop with the multiple !!!!'s and ??'s, you only need one. It doesn't enhance the feeling any, it just makes it look really weird.

Your sense of perspective of first person is also fairly horrible. You never have 'I' when you do an immediate action, you just say 'panics a bit' that's like...some kind of weird real time first person...thing that I don't even know. I haven't even begun to read it all, because those few things I mentioned make it difficult to follow.

That's all I got, really.
 
Broomhandle45 said:
You also need to start using commas, because that's also making it hard to read it simply because it's a giant string of actions and happenings. Also...stop with the multiple !!!!'s and ??'s, you only need one. It doesn't enhance the feeling any, it just makes it look really weird.

Your sense of perspective of first person is also fairly horrible. You never have 'I' when you do an immediate action, you just say 'panics a bit' that's like...some kind of weird real time first person...thing that I don't even know. I haven't even begun to read it all, because those few things I mentioned make it difficult to follow.

That's all I got, really.
Click to expand...
It kinda was a weird kind of first person. It was more written for my partner when she was away to continue an idea that might have come up from texting or something and I would continue it. I knew it wasn't extraordinary why I trying to see what could be done to make it more interesting as a whole. However, If I have grammar bombed it so hard it is impossible to read kinda tells me what i need to know about the rest. Thanks for looking at it twice Sorry for it being so blah.
 
You have some serious mechanical problems with the way your writing is right now. You come off as a non-native english speaker because of little quirks, problems in the way your sentences are structured. This is a great example:

"The moon had been shattered no one no why but it had erupted into a thousand shards."

That's two sentences, at least, with what you're trying to say. Saying is the problem. You're telling me the moon is shattered. Instead, look up at the shattered moon and describe how it's changed the night sky. Also, little things like confusing the words "no" and "know" made it so difficult to read that I didn't want to go further. I would turn down a roleplay after reading this post, sorry.
 
yea I got it. It didn't help it was written for some one not for random readers either but terrible writing and will not attempt to do so again in future believe me. Thanks for ur time
 
Argh, that's exactly the wrong way to react to criticism. When you submit your work to strangers for review, the last thing you want is for people to tell you what a good job you did. You really, truly *want* to have your work eviscerated and cast in the most unforgiving light possible. That's the heart and soul of a writer's workshop, and it's what helps you improve!
 
sorry I sent message to have this closed/deleted. It was fine I was hoping to hear more about the idea's and concepts but my grammar was so atrocious it never got that far. I realize you need to take criticism with a grain of salt and work to improve, but felt like I should probably let it die.
 
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