Staying Sober

[Rudolph Quin]

I was always puzzled by your behavior back then, but with the recent context you've given us, it all makes much more sense. Those were good times - You were an important binding thread of the community through your art. You gave everyone here and the place itself a sense of identity.

And that was entirely you. You know how much of a draw for a new member it is to see an established artistic pursuit starring the oldtimers? It makes them want to belong, to be part of all that fun. And it is fun, for everyone. Though we've now hit a self-sustaining critical mass, you were a big part of us getting here.

Still, your work here is done, so anything further should be fun instead. Okay?

I don't know I ever gave you a formal apology, Trygon but I am sorry for how I acted and the way I treated you and others here. There was a lot of shit I wasn't willing to face up to back then and my self-destruction claimed a few as victims, not just myself. I was thinking about it this morning, how my husband said it was either us or I had to go to rehab because things were getting so bad. But even when I went and started making changes it wasn't enough to make him wanna stay. I was thinking today, it's probably a good thing that he's gone now. Now maybe I can start doing it for the right reasons. Rather than "making myself better so someone else will want me" I can focus on doing it for myself. Same with the art; back then, it was the only way I could feel wanted or appreciated and then I felt bitter because I was just an art machine after a while - for people I didn't even know; the newer people coming in and wanting to be involved. Maybe now when I focus on creating something for me, it'll be about me and finding pride in my own worth and accomplishment.

I do thank you for your support, Trygon. It really means a lot to me the advice and words you've put down here.

That is the biggest part, I'd say..... doing it 'for you' because 'you want to'. We will all support you and be glad of what you do and share. Why? Because we care and you're a part of our family.

Thank you, dark. *hugs* I think I'm gonna get myself a tablet and see if I can't start getting back into things, just drawing and people watching. So much of my time is spent lazing about, consuming and escaping. It'll be good to create and I'll be sure to post updates when I have them. You guys really are like a family to me here.