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Staying Sober

Rudolph Quin

Rudolph Quin

Mistaken for some sort of scoundrel
Withdrawn
Joined
Aug 2, 2009
Location
here
That I wanted to get down.

So, for those not in the know, let me catch you up to speed. This past summer, I did a stint in rehab for alcoholism. It's never been a real big problem before; I kind of just used it to relax and escape, to numb myself because feeling things and taking responsibility is really uncomfortable. It had gotten to the point where I was taking sips of whiskey just before work, just to "take the edge off" and get through the day until eventually, I was rushing to get on my break to have another "sip/push". And sometimes mix it with caffeine to balance where you need balance, etc. Well, it got really bad when I was babysitting my younger siblings for my mother while she went away for a weekend and the 13 year old almost caught the house on fire trying to cook bacon and eggs while I was passed out. I... wow, this is really fucking hard... even now the guilt still hurts so much and I feel really ashamed of how bad things got...

Um, anyway, to wrap this up, my mother ended up coming together with my partner(who I've been emotionally and sexually distant from for about 2-3 years now) to get me into rehab. I wasn't going to go at first but... I love those fucking kids so damn much and I would never do anything to hurt them or put them in danger. I realized I needed to change. So, I got clean, got released and came home to find out my partner was no longer "in love" with me. We're still really good friends and currently living together and trying to make things work but at the moment there is a lot of emotional hurt and trust that needs to be repaired. After learning that, I had a couple relapses here and there and the struggle has been trying to imagine life without them and find strength in myself. He's my first... EVERYTHING, basically and my identity has been tied to him for the past 5 years.

After about 3 months of all this drama shit, I am finally going back to work and trying to get in touch with who I am and allowing myself to feel things for the first time. I still enjoy writing and drawing and role-playing on this site. However, sometimes, there are bad days and I relapse to old behaviors(not necessarily the drink - 25 days clean! - but the obsessiveness, the catastrophizing, the self-loathing and all of that bullshit) so sometimes, replies may come a little slow. I'm taking my time and trying to live for each day and grow comfortable with my vulnerability and the uncertainties that surround me.
 
RE: Just some thoughts

We have no RPs together, but we are definitely friends. Hell, it was you who first came to me and suggested promotion to WC and, well, the rest is freakin' history. *hug you* You are my friend, my Lost buddy and I admire your courage and strength to post this and I also admire some other things I know you've done since coming back after one of your long hiatuses. So, know you have a friend in your corner, someone cheering you on and who is thinking of you. *more hugs and lot of snuggles for you* :) <33333
 
RE: Just some thoughts

Thank you, DA, for the support. *hugs my Lost buddy* ^^
 
RE: Just some thoughts

*hugs Hahvy too*

So, we've pretty much known it was over between us for about a week now, maybe two. Finally, he comes to me to let me know that he's not comfortable sleeping in the same bed anymore and wants me to move out to the guest room. We've decided to get a divorce and although we're still friends, it's what we both want and I'll still be living in the same house for a while... I still feel kind of upset about it. It's hard I guess when you finally decide when something is over. But it is alright and I'm very proud of myself for remaining strong. All the therapy and coping skills I've learned over the past few months are setting in and becoming habit. I still feel the urge to drink and escape but I understand it's not what I want. I face my feelings and taking tonight out for me to just cry about this ending. Tomorrow will be a new day and we'll start on new paths for the both of us.
 
RE: Just some thoughts

People do strange things when they feel threatened. He's become like a stranger that seeks to do me harm and leave me with nothing. The other night, he tried to take apart my card collection looking for the most expensive cards out of it because even though they were mine, they were bought with "his/our" money. I got scared and paranoid and demanded them back and then he got scared and paranoid and wants me to start signing a bunch of stuff. As if I'M the one who's looking to screw him over and take away all of his stuff! No! HE'S the one! DX At least that's how it looks from my end.

It's just surreal when you start viewing someone as not a person you know but as someone threatening and harmful and then you find out... they're looking at you with the same glasses on. I'm willing to leave so he'll have the house and everything. I'm just terrified of what he'll do out of fear and miscommunication and it sucks because he won't even talk to me. At least I'm willing to try to dispel the cloud of fear over my own head; he's willing to believe in his paranoia. And that's scary.
 
RE: Just some thoughts

I hate letting myself feel the pain. The past couple of weeks, staying at my mothers, I've thrown myself back into the role of big sister. And when I'm not absorbed in teaching and caring for my siblings, I've been absorbed in fantasy. When I let myself think about it, I argue with him and I call him names in my head. I imagine scenarios where he wants me back and I tell him off. I imagine myself being strong and confident without him. But the truth is, I'm running and hiding from the truth: I miss him and I don't know yet how to be without him. And I hate that I miss somebody who doesn't even like or want me.

He was my best friend. Seriously, even if I knew how to drive, even if I had a job in the beginning, I would have still gone everywhere with him. I just liked being with him. Riding in the car and going shopping together was when we bonded, when we hung out. I miss being silly and joking with him; I miss him teasing me. I miss hearing him laugh. I miss his beautiful blue eyes. I miss sleeping with him and cooking with him.

My plans for my future ended with marrying him. There was nothing else I ever needed. Just letting myself feel it today, for once.
 
RE: Letting Myself Grieve

Sometimes it's hard because little things remind me of him, jokes we used to tell each other, I feel like they're taboo now. Drinking eases it, makes me forget. Although anytime I fall off the wagon lately, I'm like a kid in a candy store and guzzle the shit down and end up messing myself up pretty bad. Like, I have to drink all the evidence because I know when I wake up in the morning, I'm going to regret and force myself to pour the rest down the drain. Just to get it out of the house, away from me.

4 days sober. I hate that. Feels so pathetic when the number is small like that. But I know, I know. One day at a time. That's another thing. I feel so awful, going to group after I've fallen off the wagon again. Like, after all that encouragement and praise, I'm letting folks down and disappointing them. Again, I know, it's about me and my accomplishments. I'm not doing it for anyone else. It's just hard to face myself, even, I guess. Saying it aloud, admitting to myself that, yes, I fucked up, again, despite how much it hurts me. Trying to remember I'm worth the effort.

Going to group tonight. I need the support.
 
It would seem Karma is exclusively the agent of weaklings without a conception of justice, no?

Relapse is an interesting sensation, isn't it? Like a pig bathing in mud, the dirt and wrong feels good.

I drew lines in the sand. Er, brain. Brain-sand. I figured out which side of the line liked relapse, and I stopped listening to anything it said about any subject no matter how innocently unrelated to using it could possibly be.

Are you going to meetings? AA is a flawed program, but it's not broken. The 12 steps especially are useful to anyone seeking to master themselves, addict or not.
 
Trygon said:
It would seem Karma is exclusively the agent of weaklings without a conception of justice, no?

Relapse is an interesting sensation, isn't it? Like a pig bathing in mud, the dirt and wrong feels good.

I drew lines in the sand. Er, brain. Brain-sand. I figured out which side of the line liked relapse, and I stopped listening to anything it said about any subject no matter how innocently unrelated to using it could possibly be.

Are you going to meetings? AA is a flawed program, but it's not broken. The 12 steps especially are useful to anyone seeking to master themselves, addict or not.
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Not AA. I've been going to counseling groups for people with mental health issues like anxiety and depression. Trying to learn more constructive and healthier ways to express myself. It's providing me with tools and new habits and people who can understand where I'm coming from. Sometimes, it just seems easier to not feel anything at all, rather than go through the work of working through it.

That line in the sand thing seems like a good idea. Thank you for the suggestion and the support.
 
I can understand not wanting to go to AA, some meetings are purely toxic and even the best tend towards the preachy. Read the Big Book, though. I promise you'll be glad you did, even if you don't enact any of the steps.
 
Thank you, Try. I'll give it an attempt. Something's gotta change. What I'm doing isn't working.

Fell off again last night. The justifications that go through my head when I decide to lay down another $25 on something I know I don't need. That whole "it's only been 6 days" or that smug, false contentment when I shrug and nod at myself, "Yep. I'm gonna be a jackass tonight. What of it?" Tried calling my friend from group last night who's technically my "sponser" but not really because it's not AA. He was busy and not picking up and I looked around my room at the hole I feel I've fell into and decided if he didn't give a shit, then I didn't either.

I feel so out of control sometimes but it's almost like I prefer it because when I'm in control everything fucking sucks. On the scale of "sober-wasted" I'm really not seeing much of a difference between the two right now.
 
*hugs*
I might not have ever experienced troubles with alcohol or other substances. However, I do understand what you mean about the control vs the out of control. Everyone has their demons; they just manifest in different ways sometimes. But anyway, just try and hold on to the fact there is a difference and being in control of these sorts of situations is a matter of maintaining your health. That is of utmost importance and you're worth keeping healthy. Sure, it sucks mucking through the troublesome times and over and over again you'll be tested. But, you have to forge on and pick yourself up. You can do it despite the set backs. You have people cheering you on, wanting to see you succeed. And succeed, you will. *nods* It's a step at a time, a new learning experience in figuring out how to cope with things and become master over the temptation that beckons for the fall. You will do it no matter how long the journey takes you, no matter how bumpy or winding the path. And, again, you'll have people cheering you on and what an awesome victory it will be when time passes and you sudden realize that it's truly become easier.
*more hugs*
 
Thank you for the supportive words, dark. It is really appreciated and I know you're right. There is a difference and I know that. It's just more justification for not getting my shit together and I recognize that. *hugs her back*
 
Rudolph Quin said:
"Yep. I'm gonna be a jackass tonight. What of it?"
Click to expand...

That's the one I mentioned. Become familiar with every nuance of that voice, so you can identify it every time, as soon as it speaks, so it may never be mistaken for a good idea.
 
Trygon said:
That's the one I mentioned. Become familiar with every nuance of that voice, so you can identify it every time, as soon as it speaks, so it may never be mistaken for a good idea.
Click to expand...

Yeah but it's the same voice that tells me that I can't be anything without him - and I truly believe that. I don't know what to say. those time I tell myself "Fuck it, imma do what ever the fuck I want, screw all ya'll!" I mean, it's such a boost compared to the rest of the time where every time I even dare to hope to achieve something on my own it slaps me in the face.

I'm just a pathetic mess and I always have been, Try. Except now I'm alone and nobody has to deal with my shit except me.
 
And now you have to deal with it.

You may believe you're nothing without him, but your continued ability to draw breath and operate a keyboard would seem to indicate otherwise. As I said, everything the addict tells you is false. Well, perhaps not strictly false, but always engineered to push you into a bad response. Oftentimes the truth is better for that. Like, say, listing all your failures on a lit marquee on the back of your eyelids.

FIGHT it. Don't ignore it, don't argue with it, BEAT the miserable little fuck into submission and take back your control.
 
Hey mate, you know you're better than that. We just talked about this. You are quite a better, stronger person then you let yourself to be. And if it makes you feel better, I too am falling downward toward old habits. So in this time of crisis we both need to help one another. Again, shoot me a PM do not feel like you're bugging me, believe me you won't.
 
Blue~Nor said:
Congrats to being sober. I don't really have a drinking problem.​
Click to expand...

Thanks. It's been 3 days but I'm taking every minute as an accomplishment. It's only a problem if it affects your life negatively and yet you cannot seem to stop yourself from continuing to do it.

Thank you Trygon and Nibbles for your words. I feel clear-headed at the moment and particularly gearing for a fight with that impulse. I'm tired of a half-life and I am ready to move on. If I'm not a person without him, then I have to become one. I'm done living as a ghost.

At group yesterday, I described what happened Monday night and how I've been feeling and it was suggested by one of my peers that if I feel worthless and pathetic to possibly produce or create something to feel constructive and productive. The counselor suggested that I try some art therapy or writing to express myself rather than running and hiding from my feelings in a bottle. Remember Blue Moon Comics back in the day? That was some fun. I haven't written or drawn anything for about a year, so, I'm thinking it'll feel good to reconnect with that part of myself. And also to create something of my own, something I can take pride in and feel accomplished. No more running.
 
I think that would be so wonderful! You are an amazing artist and writer. It would be fabulous for you to express yourself and even possibly share your talents. I know I, for one, would welcome seeing your artwork grace this place once again--even if it's a drawing here and there. Just anything you feel like sharing because it's something from you and you're a part of this community and thus family. :) So yep. It would be great for you to do this and just--as Elsa would say--let it go. *hugs*
 
I was always puzzled by your behavior back then, but with the recent context you've given us, it all makes much more sense. Those were good times - You were an important binding thread of the community through your art. You gave everyone here and the place itself a sense of identity.

And that was entirely you. You know how much of a draw for a new member it is to see an established artistic pursuit starring the oldtimers? It makes them want to belong, to be part of all that fun. And it is fun, for everyone. Though we've now hit a self-sustaining critical mass, you were a big part of us getting here.

Still, your work here is done, so anything further should be fun instead. Okay?
 
That is the biggest part, I'd say..... doing it 'for you' because 'you want to'. We will all support you and be glad of what you do and share. Why? Because we care and you're a part of our family. :)
 
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