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Journal?! More like a Rantfest!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk cooolllllllleeeeggggeeeeee.

I have two Bachelors and a Masters degree. Never before have I ever experienced senioritis, but this final semester, it's definitely there. I think it's because working nights is finally starting to get to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. I don't know.

I can't fricken wait to graduate and have one job that allows me to sleep during the night like a normal human being.

My posting will be dead, which is sad, because I really do enjoy writing. But the problem is, I enjoy writing so much that I neglect my homework because my homework is absolutely dreadful.

I'm keeping two or three RPs that I love and have an easy time writing for, but even those will be very slow going.

I'm very sorry to my RP partners that I had to drop! It's not that I didn't love our stories or didn't like your writing style, it's just that some characters and situations are easier for me to write for than others.

Hopefully I'll see you all around again when I graduate ^^.
 
I feel like there is a parade of exams marching through my life right now...

To make matters worse, I -hate- parades.

My brain cannot function enough to write more than a paragraph...which sucks because I have a paper due on Friday.

Blarghghghghghgh...
 
Still not posting, sorry to all my RP partners ><. I did feel like writing something though...

---

March 26, 2014

If you've RPed with me before or have read any of the stories I'm a part of, you'll notice that BDSM usually gets chucked into the works eventually. So this is a snippet of what BDSM means to me and why I portray Dommes the way I do:




It has been several years since I have topped for anyone. Three years, in fact. All the relationships before my current one have had a sort of d/s element to them. Sometimes it was barely noticeable, with only small plays of power. Sometimes it was very pronounced, going so far as to use gear and props on an almost daily basis. My current girlfriend and I have no d/s dynamic. Even though I miss BDSM sometimes, I have no urge to dominate her. And while I trust her more than I trust anyone else in this world, I do not wish to sub for her.

Sometimes I miss being a Domme. It's not about the sex, though, the sex was fun. So many women are so -quiet-...I can never understand why. I'm loud. Holding in moans makes me feel like I'm going to burst a blood vessel. If I'm quiet whoever I'm with thinks there's something wrong (seriously, double standard. I have to be loud and you don't?! Bull!)

And why the hell do women want to have sex in the dark? I can't see what I'm doing! The only time I've ever wanted to have sex in the dark was when I was wearing a strap on for the first time... I had my girlfriend bent over the bed, tied down so she couldn't look behind and watch what I was doing, with a blindfold on so that she extra-couldn't see what I was doing, and with the light off so that I couldn't see what the hell I was doing either...

Strap ons are fricken weird...

Now where was I...

I liked being able to create a sort of alternate reality for my sub. Even though my sub would feel vulnerable and exposed while being tied down to something, I felt privileged that they trusted me so much to allow me to put them in compromising positions that they could do very little about.

I see BDSM as an intricate roleplay in and of itself. Who I am when I'm dominating is not who I am in real life. I've read some articles before of Mistresses and Masters who, while they don't wear their bedroom personas out in public, still maintain that air of confidence and leadership. I, on the other hand, am a fucking -mess- of nerves in the bedroom and a laid back lazy butt in real life. I try to be the big bad Mistress but inside I'm going 'I really hope those bindings on her wrists aren't too tight...' or 'Oh shit did I really hurt her?!?!' (I get paranoid of really hurting someone, I tried using a paddle once, didn't like it because I can't -feel- what I'm doing. I used my hands from that point onward.)

The alluring part of BDSM is the possession, the ownership. Once the scene starts you belong to -me-. Everything about you is -mine-. Every fantasy, every depraved thought, mine. Your body? That's mine too. Even your words are things that -I- want to hear. The begging, the pleading, high-pitched squeals, the complete and utter honesty that can be so damn embarrassing. Yes, you have to confess that you're wet. Yes, you have to be more specific and confess that you're wet because you loved the anticipation that comes with me taking the time to bind your wrists with rope. And yes, you are a kinky slut. But that's okay, because you're safe. Because if you are my sub, I love you dearly, and I will not judge you for the taboo things you like or the inappropriate noises you make.

Hmmph...bedtime...maybe I'll finish writing this later.
 
Ever have a hard time writing your own original characters?

I am ><. It's awful. Right now the only posts I can conjure up are for my Mass Effect RP. And even then, I don't have the mental capacity to double for it right now.

Posting's slow. Sorry guys =/

This weekend posting will be non-existent. I'm going to Pax East with my girlfriend ^^. Super excited! Never been to a giant convention before.
 
Sorry to all my RP partners for being a jerk face and not writing anything! It's the week before finals and I can barely function.

Promise to be back in a week and a half! Swear!

---

May 7, 2014

Sometimes, my life is a bad romantic comedy.

My girlfriend wants me to move in with her. This isn't a huge step for us, we've lived together before and managed to not kill each other. It's just...a huge step for -me-.

I've never -not- worked. I've had a job since I was 16. Usually I have two jobs. For a little point in my life I had three (Working three jobs may be the worst experience ever). Or I just have one job and go to school full time. (But being a full time student -feels- like a job. At least...if you're a ceramicist. I'm not like a painter who just pulls artwork out of my butt 3 minutes before class (sorry painters, but I hate you guys)). Or a Biology student. (How the hell do people have time to party? I have to study!).

Wow...tangents...awesome...

So, my point is, in order to move in with my lady, I will have to quit my job (and even though I hate my job with a burning passion, I do -love- the health benefits I get through it) in order to move across the state. Then I will have to find new job. On top of finding new job, I also have to find a teaching job and be able to take time off if I need to travel somewhere for an interview (yeah, I know you can do phone interviews, but then they won't see my charming smile =P). Pluss I'll have to leave my sister and can't hang out with her or my nephew anymore (that's 75% of my genetic material right there! I gotta help take care of it. Well...not really...50% for my sister and then 25% of that 50% for my nephew. So it's the same genetic material used over again, get it?).

Gaaahhhh...I'm always like this, it's nauseating. I am a good representation of a woman's programming to stay near the home and her family because she wants to protect and care for the genetic code closest to her.

I've wanted to move away SO many times. But then...something comes up. The first time, it was because of a girl... instead of going to the art school I wanted, I went to a teaching college with my first girlfriend. The second time, also because of a girl; I wanted to do Teach in Korea (or Japan, or wherever they want me to teach English) but my girlfriend at the time begged me to stay because she'd be graduating soon and then we could figure things out together. The third time, my grandfather passed away so I wanted to stay home and be near my grandmother so she's not alone all the time. The fourth time, my sister got pregnant so I wanted to stay near her and help with the baby. And now this is the 5th time I've wanted to spread my wings and fly away...buuutttttt now there is another girl.

Why do all the girls I've dated have to be like 'Yeah! Go pursue your dreams!' But then, as I apply for jobs out of state, it becomes 'NOOOOOOO DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!!!'

Guh... I'm so whipped. Worst. Domme. Ever.

So...why is my life a bad romantic comedy?

Because while I'm weighing the pros and cons of moving in with my girlfriend, one of the major cons is 'Hey, when the hell are we going to get married?' We've been together for three years, are we going to get married one of these days? Ever? Why does it even matter?

Well, it matters to me. I want to get married. I know if I logically think about it, it's stupid, it's superficial. Being married won't change how I feel about my girlfriend now or then, nor will it change how I act around her. But...I want that extra level of commitment. I want to -know- that this is probably going to be forever, not just for now. And I guess I want to prove to my family, this is not a phase ><. ("Ayyyyyyyy Amy, bhat am I going to do wheat a gay daughter?!" I dunno mom, love her as much as you love your three other children?! "Ey! You will grow out of eet." Really? Cause I'm 27 and haven't grown out of it yet XD.)

So I ask Jackie this question: Are we ever going to get married? And of course, my darling girl, goes "That's a stupid question to ask."

WHAT?! STUPID QUESTION!? How is that a stupid question when you always say "Marriage is stupid". "Why do you want to get married so much?" "What's wrong with how things are now?"?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!??

"But...I -do- want to marry you one day..."

How am I supposed to know that? How am I supposed to know when EVERY time I try to talk about marriage, you tell me "Marriage is dumb" and "I never want to have a ceremony, it's stupid."

"Buggah of course I want to marry you! You're my girl. You know that episode of Friends... The one where Chandler tells Monica she doesn't want to get married in order to throw her off the trail so that he can surprise her when he proposes? I just say those things so that youl'll be really surprised when I do propose to you."

Oh. My. God. I hate you.

"See! You ruined it. Now you're going to be expecting me to propose to you!!!"

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!



My life is a bad romantic comedy.
 
I haven't posted in a long while. I've just sort of been all over the place. And this weekend was a mini-vacation weekend for me.

----




Saturday, August 9, 2014



No one is as big a Mass Effect fan as me.

I got my first copy of Mass Effect for the Xbox 360 when it first came out, in 2007. Then I picked up Mass Effect 2 when I bought my PS3 when I first started dating Jackie in 2011. It was the first game I ever got it into, I think the most recent game she had played before that was Tony Hawk Pro Skater for the N64. But it was cool, it was the first shooter I got her into. And she loved the story so much that we ended up getting Mass Effect 3 as soon as it came out for both the Xbox 360 and the PS3 so that we could both play it at the same time.

And then I bought the trilogy on PS3 for the sake of completion…because I like to throw money at Bioware.

Bioware has been my favorite game studio. I remember being a teenager, taking turns playing Knights of the Old Republic with my siblings (That was for the Xbox…God the graphics are horrible looking back on it now), we also go into Jade Empire and Dragon Age as well. So I was pretty stoked to get my girlfriend into a video game made by my favorite company as a kid.

She knows how big a dork I am. The first time she ever saw my room, what struck her first was my large collection of Star Wars books. She knows that I get super into games and sometimes ignore her. Or that I get super into making a Commander Shepard costume for a convention and ignore her then too… So she entered a little contest thing, one to see the BioWare studio in Montreal, just because I am such a fan and such a dork. And she won!!

I WAS SO EXCITED!!!!

So excited I guess when I called up my best friend to tell him he were going, he thought I had gotten engaged, I was that damn ridiculous.

That was back innnn…early June I think? And this past weekend I got to go! We got a wonderful hotel room in Montreal, right on Saint Catherine’s so that we could walk anywhere we wanted to go. Of course anywhere we wanted to go turned out to be stressful and we ended up having a major fight and for a little while I was separated from my girl in a big city. But…it was fine…I guess. Fight over, everything was okay.

Friday comes along and we go for a walk, have breakfast, and head down to the BioWare studio. They let me preview the new Mass Effect 4 game that is going to come out!

It wasn’t anything fancy. The level wasn’t rendered. The enemies were just little polygon dudes (think Fighting Polygon level from Super Smash on the N64). But I was so excited to play! And pretty much everyone from the studio gathered around behind me to watch…

It was nerve racking. I didn’t want to die on level one infront of a bunch of people.

But I made it, I got to the end of the level and on the far wall of the last room said ‘Jackobear + Buggah’ in grafitti and it was so cute I was so excited. And then I get to the terminal to see the final message and what pops up is:

“Amy,

Jackie has a very important question she would like to ask you.’

I started to cry. I’m starting to cry now. I can still see her, getting down on one knee to my right as I turned my chair to face her. She had the biggest smile on her face as she pulled out the ring, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so happy. And she says, “You make me happier than I thought people were even allowed to be happy. And I want to spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you make me. Amy, will you marry me?”

I cried, and I tried to say ‘yes’ but it was stuck somewhere in my lungs and all I could do was nod.

It was insane, the people from the studio clapped for us as we hugged and kissed. They had a guy filming the whole thing, all of them were excited to see the ring, I never knew strangers could be so amazing. Hell, the girl that wrote the level started to tear up.

The ring, by the way, is a diamond in the center with stones on either side whose settings are in the shape of the buttons on a PlayStation controller.

Later Jackie told me, she’d wanted to propose for about a year, but no idea ever seemed good enough. Finally she came up with the plan to do it through a videogame. I remember her screwing around with some videogame software after Pax, just a silly little simple thing so that she could design her own game. But eventually she ended up sending an email to BioWare. She told them our story and asked if there was any way they could help her out. And they did! It’s crazy. It’s a day later and I am still shocked, my heart still begins to frantically pound when I think about it.

I’m going to get married!!!!
 
Congratulations!!!!!!!

Such an awesome story and I can see you speechless when you finally realize what is going on! It's amazing that a company as big as them would take the time to do that, very special!!!!!!

:)
 
Belated thank you for my engagement well wishes! ^^

It's been awhile since I've written. I got sucked into League of Legends...honestly that video game is pure evil.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLHz6kIe4AI
Dancing Queen of Hearts...I just found it amusing XD
 
Sooooooooo I substitute teach now...

75% of the time it's awful
20% of the time it doesn't feel too bad
5% of the time I feel like I've actually made a difference in a kid's life

Today I had a student ask me, "Why do you even come in?" This was a question asked in private, after all of his classmates had left and I was getting ready to take my lunch. He didn't have a trace in malice in his voice, he was just legitimately curious as to why a person would want to come in and deal with an out of control, remedial class as his own. Some days, I don't fucking know why either. But, I answer the question politely, with a tired smile and a, "Because I love to teach."

I choose to be here. That is my mantra. I choose to go in. I choose to be patient, to resist the urge to just send some kid giving me lip down to the office and instead either ignore the potshots or take the kid out into the hall for a stern talking to. I choose to smile, to not let the headache that 3rd period gave me effect the way that I treat 4th. I choose to not have any sort of job stability, to pretend that every day is a new adventure as I walk into a building that I still can't remember whether I turn left or right to get to the main office. I choose to put in my time, to wade through the shit in the hopes that I will get a full time position.

I don't need to put myself through hell, I have 4 degrees. I could work in a lab, work in an office, sit in a cubicle where I don't have to deal with 30 little hormonal fucks that aren't grateful for the education that taxpayers provide them. And then I won't have to listen to things like this:

"Aw this is bullshit! You're just punishing me cause I'm black!"
You called that kid a cottonball...but I'm the racist one here? And I'm punishing -both- of you and sending -both- of you to the office because you're threatening one another.

"Pffft. Whatever, you're not a real teacher."
Really? Because this license from NYS says that I am...

"We're going to need you to cover another class...we're short on subs today."
That's okay, I didn't want to have a lunch break. I don't need some alone time where can sit in the dark, turn on classical music, and try to find the last shreds of my sanity.
 
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