Journal?! More like a Rantfest!

[Javorcek]

Really Quick Stats for Me (See second post for even more crap!):
FxF Romantic Comedy RPer
Dom/Switch (But I can play a decent uppity sub ^^)
Lit and I guess Lit+ if the mood strikes me
Javorcek's Request Thread

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MASSIVE EDIT FOR THE MAIN POST!

Okay so like...I have a lot of RPs. And I -Finally- have began to start having problems keeping my characters straight.

So! This is just for me, but I'm going to start organizing them here in this first post...


My Lovely Ladies!

Lena Javorcek
Picture based off of: Lisa Ray

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Girl's Fun in the Sun


Mila Javorcek
Picture based off of: Willa Holland

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Jamie Javorcek
Picture based off of: Scarlett Johansson

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Alex Javorcek
Picture based off of: Some random model from Inked magazine

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Age: 23 years old, fresh out of college with her MFA. Smart, sarcastic, little punky. 5'7" and an athletic runner.



Andrea (Andi) Markovic
Picture based off of: Jelena Abbou

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The Gentler Sex


Lauren Martinez
Picture based off of: Lauren Colfer

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Elizabeth Stalwart
Picture based off of: Isabela from Dragon Age

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My Boys!
William Marshal
Picture based off of: Hawke from Dragon Age

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The Dragon Slayer's Princess


Charles Dubois
Picture based off of: Alistair from Dragon Age

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Krzysztof (Krzys) Górecki
Picture based off of: John Krasinski

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The Gentler Sex

 

[Javorcek]

Olivia
Picture based off of: Allison Caroll

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Danika Kolev
Picture based off of: Olga Kurylenko

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I haven't figured out a name for this one...but I want to do something with her.

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Rugby girls
http://bakblog.baklinerugby.com/tag/calendar/

 

[Javorcek]

Werewolves and Mages
The following are characters for the RP Werewolves and Mages


Jessica Sandalio
Picture based off of: Michelle Rodriguez

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Jackson Sandalio

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Married to: Jade Sandalio
Twin Daughters:
Molly (Based off of Molly Truong)
Adrianna (based off of Adrianny Celeste)

Anna Sandalio
Picture based off of: Sharlene Taule

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Eva Sandalio
Picture Based off of: Sara Ramirez

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Manuel Sandalio

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Marama Marrok
Picture based off of: Malena Morgan

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Mother - Sarah Randell - Marrok
Father - Tane Marrok
Uncle - Rangi Marrok (Wuruhi Tribe)
Aunt - Kura Marrok (Wuruhi Tribe)


Samantha Lowell
Picture based off of: Anne Hathaway

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Rani Gupta
Picture based off of: Nazanin Boniadi

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[Javorcek]

More Reserved

 

[Javorcek]

Just a post full of the more sciencey parts of sex...just quick notes taken from articles I find.

The Physiological Effects of Bondage:

Increase in Testosterone
-Causes an increase in libido

Increase in Cortisol
-Activates anti-stress and anti-inflammatory pathways.

 

[Javorcek]

October 7, 2013 (Monday)


Sooo...journals...yes...feelings!

Well perhaps before I start flying off the handle and writing ridiculous things, I should probably say a little bit about myself at this point in my life to sort of set the scene:

I am...26...27? No...26. 27 -soon-. I decided to stop counting after 25. I'm a New Yorker sooo if I include many, many rantings about why out of state drivers suck, it's because I live in a state where we drive like we're trapped in the Grand Theft Auto universe.

I started Roleplaying on BMR as a way to erm...stay faithful to my girlfriend. As silly as that may sound. We've been together for two and a half years. I love her to pieces. But she's going to college about 4 hours away from me so...yes...I don't get to have sex -ever-. I suppose I could, I live in a city and there are lesbians aplenty! But I like the current one I've got. So yes, I write a lot of porn when I probably should be doing homework.

I work too much, I write too much (I -love- writing, makes my brain work), and I don't study nearly as much as I should (I can't help it that Organic Chemistry is boring and my brain explodes when I look at molecules...sorry if you really like Chemistry, but I hate it =P.) I have a B.F.A. in Studio Art, a B.A. in Art Education and my Master's in Education. Soooo yeah....I have a lot of pieces of paper that say I'm qualified to do things. But right now I choose to work for a shipping company, loading trucks and sorting your mail. I get -awesome- benefits.

Plus I get to watch all your packages get crushed to bits...which is fairly amusing sometimes, depending on what ridiculous thing was in the box. Whoever designed our building didn't know much about Physics or Engineering. And sometimes yes, we step on your packages when they fall on the floor. And maaayyybbeee we put a 50lb box of papers ontop of your 4lb one full of Grandma's cookies, it happens. So here's a tip for shipping stuff: Pack your thing in a sturdy box, put in a ton of packaging paper/peanuts/bubblewrap around it, tape it up real well, then chuck it against the wall. If it survives, you can probably ship it through whatever shipping company you like.

But yes! So I'm licensed to teach Art! I love to teach, absolutely love it. Felt incredibly alive and like I had a purpose! Then I got laid off...sucks. And now I work in a menial labor position...sucks some more. Unfortunately taxpayers don't care about art things and I can't sit still long enough to take any sort of office job. So! Now I'm going to college for the second time around and working nights: Getting my B.S. in Biology and maybe I'll go to Med School like my parents wanted, if I don't burn out from school first.

I have the -best- sleep schedule. *Sarcasm*. I sleep in two shifts. One 2 hour shift after school and before work; then another 2 hour shift before I go to school. Then I sleep for about 14 hours on Saturdays to make up the difference, though I tend to wake up every 2-3 hours and struggle to go back to bed. So I write...a lot...or I read my textbooks/do my homework. If any of you have played with me, you'll notice my writing gets a little...out of control with ridiculousness due to my lack of sleep. I usually write things that are lighthearted, romantic comedies, that sort of thing. Stuff the lends itself to me having a sort of doofy narrator/inner monologue voice.

I am a giant puppy dog. Or a giant child as my girlfriend likes to say. I like to have fun, I have a hard time taking things seriously (one of my biggest flaws), I like to laugh and be myself. I'm fairly comfortable in my own skin and my own head. And that is why even when I write harsh or overly dramatic/conflicting scenes in roleplays, they last for a very short time...it puts a lot of stress on me to portray a mean or unfeeling character because it is so unlike myself. All my girls have a little bit of me in them...it makes them easier to write. They might be how I view myself, how I -want- to view myself, or just have experiences I had that help form them...though their direction may be much different from my own, we'll still share common starting off points.


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Alright, so now that I have introduced myself, I get to rant today!

I lead a study group for my Intro to Genetics Class. Not as hard as it sounds. Here are your genes, here are some equations, figure out the likelihood of offspring of X, Y, Z. Simple, right? (Well if it were so simple I wouldn't be in study group! But I suck at math so yeah...I'm a bad Asian stereotype, Stats kicks my ass).

The language used to describe what we're doing is the hard part. And so, like a good student, I look up things in the Glossary for a definition if I'm confused and then use the Index figure out where the hell in the book it is if I need to read more about it.

But none of the kids in my study group knew what an Index was.

HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT AN INDEX IS?!

Maybe I just know because I remember what it was like living before Google and the internet; back when you had to actually flip through pages, trying desperately to find information, rather than type in a phrase into a search engine.

But still, come on. Open your book and learn how to -use- it!

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Away for the weekend, visiting my lady ^^! Posting will be very, very slow. I will be back on Tuesday.

 

[Javorcek]

October 13, 2013 (Sunday)


Kinda in a funk...posting will be slow.

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Incoming bummed-outness. Feel free to skip the following.



Sometimes she tells me I'm magic.

Whenever she does, I'm reminded of the times I would go to see my grandfather in the hospital before he died. He had Parkinson's and was sort of wasting away towards the end. He was confused and delusional, which is common for people who are in the end stages of Parkinson's. Knowing that didn't make it suck any less. He forgot who my brother was, he'd throw things at my dad or tell him to go milk the cows (even though my grandfather had retired from farming almost 20 years ago), he'd try to knock out the doctors, and sometimes he'd be so out of it that he would forget how to speak English and my grandmother would have to talk to him in Czech. But for whatever reason, whenever I came to visit and would just say "Grandpa?" when he was napping, he'd wake up, smile and ask how I was. Then we'd carry on a conversation just like everything was normal and he wasn't sick.

"See Amy? You're magic..." is what my grandmother would say.

Heh...yeah...magic.

I am so full of magic right now that I will bite my tongue to keep from screaming at her. I want to tell her I hate her. I want to yell at her for being so -stupid- and -selfish-. To scream that her choices don't affect just -her- anymore, they affect -us-; all our plans for life after college might go up in flames because of the choices she has made. Right now 'her' is my girlfriend that I love to pieces. But I also absolutely hate her because she -lied- to me when I asked if she was drinking again. I'm more disappointed in the fact that she lied rather than the fact that she fell off the wagon. I know it's hard, I know alcoholism is an -illness- and I know that she can't do this on her own but right now has to because we go to school so far away from one another and she is too embarrassed to tell her mother. I bite my tongue because I know that if I scream she will drink more. And I don't want her to drink anymore...I want to her to get better.

My girlfriend has been an alcoholic for about 8-9 years now. When we shared an apartment, I used to dump her vodka right down the kitchen sink. But now she lives far away and I can no longer be the bitch of a girlfriend that will not let her make her own dumbass decisions. She's only 28 and has nerve damage in her feet and hands which causes shooting pains to go up her legs and arms. And to top it off, when I took her to the hospital two days ago they tested her blood and found out that her liver is starting to freak out from all the drinking.

Fantastic...

And of course, rehab gets put on hold because she needs to finish this semester since we're already halfway through it. She's an amazing student by the way, incredibly smart. I don't want her to screw up her 4.0 either but it scares the crap out of me that if she doesn't go to rehab now, all this nerve damage is going to be permanent. So all I can do is ask her -nicely- to cut back as much as she can and set up an appointment to go to detox during winter break.

At night she cries and the only thing I can do is hold her hand and she tells me I'm magic. I let her hold my hand even though I need to lay on the one side to go to sleep...so I end up with my arm cranked behind my back and stay awake through most of the night because as long as she's holding my hand, she sleeps.

Sometimes she calls me in the middle of the night and asks to hold my hand. And I tell her to imagine that I am...then I stay on the phone with her until she falls back asleep.

Today I went back home and I am worried as hell. She tells me that I can leave, that I don't have to be saddled with someone who is sick. I know I can leave. I'm young, there's always other fish in sea. But I like my fish that will give me mercury poisoning and cause me to lose my mind. As stupid as it may be, I love her, I really do. I'm not going to leave just because it's easier on me. I rather just stick around and put in the work.

 

[Javorcek]

Oct 21 (Monday):

Ah! I have tests this week! So posting will be -very- slow/non-existant.

Yay! Organic Chemistry and Genetics! *GPA lights on fire and dies*

Sometimes, I wish I had a waaayyy smaller crush on my organic chemistry professor. She's a mousy little thing...but I think she's super hot/would be drop dead gorgeous if she put on a lil make up and straightened her hair since it's a little frizzy. Smart = Sexy. But yeah...I definitely spend half my class time wondering if she's wearing tights or knee highs and a garter belt.

Her and my Anatomy and Physiology TA are the reason I have so many college professor/student RPs going ><.

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And today I want to complain about the jerks that park in 2 spots on campus. LOOK before you just leave your car there, ruining lives and making me have to exit my car via the sun roof. (Yes, I seriously crawled out of my sun roof at 10am today). I already have to walk a half mile to my class, I don't want to walk the full one...cause yanno...then I'd be late.

Jerks.

Parking in a parking lot should be on the driver's test. Because, seriously, NOBODY uses parallel parking unless they LIVE in a city. I do not live in a city (I commute to go to school in one, but do not live in one). Even then, there are parking garages. You know how often I parallel park? NEVER. Well...that's a lie. Maybe once a week.

But come on! Everyone parks in regular ol' parking lots...and yet so few people can do it. Well...at least do it -between- the lines in such a way that I can still open my door and function.

I hope the two cars parked on either side of me move so I don't have to get into my car via the trunk later today. I seriously can't open either of my doors more than 6 inches.
November 10, 2013 (Sunday)

Soooo from now until the end of the semester, posting will be slow. Like, MEGA SLOW. But I will come over here and say when it will be especially slow.

Like now! I have an organic chem test on Monday; so I will probably be dead/dying until Tuesday afternoon.

And sorry to all my partners who have to deal with me on Tuesday, because my characters will be uncharacteristically horny or aggressive as I attempt to blow off studying steam =D

 

[Javorcek]

November 10, 2013 (Sunday)

Soooo from now until the end of the semester, posting will be slow. Like, MEGA SLOW. But I will come over here and say when it will be especially slow.

Like now! I have an organic chem test on Monday; so I will probably be dead/dying until Tuesday afternoon.

And sorry to all my partners who have to deal with me on Tuesday, because my characters will be uncharacteristically horny or aggressive as I attempt to blow off studying steam =D


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I was having this conversation with one of my friends earlier, bitching that I tend to get introduced as: 'This is Jay, my lesbian friend.'

WTF man?! No one ever says 'Oh this is Alex, my straight friend.'

But I guess, for many gays, their sexuality is one of their defining characteristics. Which is weird, because I do not define myself by my sexuality. In fact, 'I'm a lesbian' is one of the last things I tell people...just because it doesn't really work into normal conversation:

"Oh it's crazy how cold the weather has been lately, isn't it?"

"Yeah! It's freezing! By the way, did you know that I'm a lesbian?!"

"Uh...no...but...now I do...thanks for the info?

See? Totally messes up the flow of conversation.

 

[Javorcek]

November 16, 2013 (Saturday)


My brain has exploded for the day. But on the bright side, I GOT AN 88 ON MY ORGANIC CHEM TEST! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*Cough* But um...yeah...I usually am very good about posting on the weekends but my mind is all fuzzy. I can't get down -good- writing that I'm proud of. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

But still...though my muse is away, I wish to write -something-. The following bit isn't particularly clear or concise but, well, I love to write, even if it's just a mess.


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Today is apparently my ex-fiance's birthday. She called me to ask if I wanted to come out with her and her wife earlier.

We're weird people, I know. I know most ex's don't talk to eachother, hell, probably -shouldn't- talk to eachother, but somehow, we make it work.

Don't get me wrong, there was a time where I did want to strangle her, to yell at her, to push her down the stairs and pretend it was an accident. But I didn't, I got over it, and somehow I survived heartbreak. We broke up when I was...hmmm...22 I think. I was a senior in college, it was a week before finals, and she just broke up with me. Poof! Gone! 4 years of dating + 2 years of engagement just up in flames.

When we broke up yanno what I did? I prayed to God for him to just kill me since it hurt so bad. I thought my life was over. And you know what God did? Sent an entire fucking herd of deer into my car while I was speeding down the highway.

Not just one deer. THE WHOLE DAMN HERD!

And since I love life so much, I swerved and missed all of them, since they surely would have really fucked up my tiny lil Honda Civic.

God has a sick sense of humor.

Do I truly believe in God? Eh...sometimes... I don't like the idea of an afterlife, but I like the idea that there is something bigger than us. So I guess I'm not particularly religious but I suppose I am spiritual...

Geeze, I lost my train of though, where was I...

Oh yeah, today is my ex's birthday.

No, I'm not going to hang out with her like she asked. I'm going to sit here, and vegetate. Maybe play some League of Legends.

And today I have no muse. But I wanted to write...so I just sorta wrote that lil snippet up there.

Ever get one of those days where you really want to just get something down on paper but your brain is just...not there? You have all this energy and this will...but the muse is not there, and so you are stuck feeling restless.

That is what I am right now, restless.

 

[Javorcek]

ITS THE HOLIDAYS!

IM BUSY!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

On a brighter note...I might buy myself a sweet new laptop ^^. We'll see.

 

[Javorcek]

So I call my girlfriend every night, and the last couple of times we've visited we've talked about incorporating a strap-on into the bedroom. We're kinda vanilla. We don't use toys (which I'm ecstatic for, since the Bzzzzzz... of a vibrator makes me feel inefficient. Stupid battery powered demons!!), and we don't do anything fetishy like bondage or discipline (which I also enjoy...because I'm too stubborn to use a safeword and end up getting hurt, and tying people up is very energy consuming for me).

So yeah...we're vanilla.

Or to borrow a phrase from her, our sex life is like a 'turkey sandwich' because I guess she loves turkey sandwiches, they're not complicated, and she can eat it them all the time. XD

So um, yeah. It's Black Friday weekend, everyone's got their sales going on. Even those crazy adult toy stores. And because I am a poor college student I was like SWEET! Cheap things!

So, here's how your vagina works:
When you aren't aroused, the vagina is about 3-4inches deep.
What does that mean?!?!?! Well it means the distance from the entrance of your vagina to your cervix is about 3-4 inches.
But when you are aroused, the vaginal canal elongates. Coolies huh?!
So that 3-4 inches ----> to like...6-9 inches I think?

So anyways, yeah. She's been like YEAH! Let's strap on. And then sometimes she's like NO! No strap on...

And I'm usually screaming:
"COME ON! I'm like, throwing my virginity at you. You could pretend to be a little more excited."

Yeah, I talk about my virginity like it's a football. And this further proves that as much of a doof as I am online an in RPs, I'm pretty much -exactly- the same person in real life XD. Well...minus the crazy sexual experiences...

I have a couple ones...but they're much more tame than the ones I write about.

And this post is not done because I hafta go...so...yeah...gonna go do homework. Maybe I'll come back later and finish this lil snippet and do some posting.

 

[Javorcek]

Dec 1 - Jan 1 = REALLY SLOW POSTING!

So yeah, it's that time of year where I'm trying to pass my classes ^^. Finals is rapidly approaching and I will be dead!!! So!

Happy Holidays to everyone!

And Good luck on Finals to all the other college students!

 

[Javorcek]

So, I've been writing a lesbian best friend first time bondage thing with Prince of Smut and our characters have finally said 'I love you'! Yay!

And the kinda hilarious thing is that both girls are dressed in fetish-wear and mine has just been flogged into submission.

Super romantic way to say 'I love you', right?

This profession of love can be found here.

But anyways...while it may not be the most romantic way to drop the line, it's definitely the most memorable. And I felt that the scene lent itself nicely to such an admission that can leave one feeling extremely vulnerable. Soooooo it just got me thinking of all the people I've said I love you to, and I was trying to recall how it happened. My list of 'I love you' declarations is pretty short. I'm very mindful of my words...at least...when it comes to emotional things. But what sort of weirded me out is that I couldn't remember how some of the 'I love you's happened!

Serious Boyfriend #1 : I haven't the slightest idea...but I know we said it.

First Girlfriend : She said it and I just sort of froze like a deer in the headlights. I remember not saying it back...I think I said 'Oh...' or something stupid...and then ran from the room and went home.

But that same night she was really upset over the phone when I wished her goodnight and I was a nervous wreck from being suuuccchhhhh a screw up and saying "Oh..." after she had just bared her heart to me. ...So I drove to her house, threw rocks at her window because it was the middle of night and I didn't want to wake up her parents. And then when she came down to open the door, I told her I loved her. I remember it was really cold outside that night...I could see my breath...I think it was 11pm-ish because my parents flipped out that I wanted to borrow the car to go out so late.

Serious Rebound Girlfriend: I'm...pretty sure I was drunk for this one. Most of our relationship involved me being drunk.

Semi-Serious Rebound of the Rebound Girlfriend: Okay so...I'm not really proud of this one...but I remember we were fighting over the phone. And she was FREAKING out. Screaming, flipping a shit, I can't even remember what the hell we were fighting about. But I thought it would be a good idea to say "I love you" in order to diffuse the situation.

Yanno what? It worked...

Ugh...I still regret telling her I loved her when I really didn't...

Love of my Life Girlfriend: This is the girl I'm with now. And...I can't remember how we said 'I love you'. But I do remember...it was about 3 months into our relationship. We had AMAZING sex, the best sex of my life ever. And I was a little delirious. I remember feeling dizzy and fuzzy all over...and was panting and nuzzling her and just wanted to be held. And she asked 'Are you okay?' Annnnddddd I responded with: "Mhmm I just really lov- like you right now."

I thought I was going to curl up and die. I've -never- blurted out "I love you" before/during/after sex. But with her...it just kinda came out a little bit before I attempted to fix it with a less serious "I like you."

So for a couple more months we just said "I like you."

Later when she said 'I love you' to me...I think it was at around 6 months into our relationship. She said she had been in love with me for quite awhile and called me a dork for making us say "I like you" for so long.




Soooooooooooooooooo why bother writing about this?

I dunno... I suppose I just think it's strange that people have these huge relationship milestones and can't recall how it went down. Or that a lot of people will just profess their love all willy nilly, to the point where it's something that isn't even memorable anymore.

 

[Javorcek]

Hooollllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Busy!!! ...definitely going to be still horribly slow with posting. =(

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December 10, 2013

Yesterday, I crashed my car! It was a monday and early in the morning at like 9am. I was coming home from my girlfriend's.

FUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

Well...I suppose sending my car into a guard rail on a slippery highway has been an even that has been a long time coming. I drive a Honda Civic, really not the best car if you're driving on snowy roads. Couple that with a fear of SUVs coming to eat my face and, well, 2 inches of snowplow mush that you hit while trying to hug the line before the shoulder and avoid Mr. SUV apparently will just go on and pull your car right off the road and straight into a guard rail! Woo!

I'm fine, I was by myself, no passengers. It was...totally something else though. I've never hit something before. I remember my last thought being 'This is going to be really fucking expensive.' Then the car went sideways, hit the right side of the front end, went perpendicular with the guard rail and dragged for a little bit, then spun right around.

It smelled like metal being ground with a grinder... Windshield was all spiderwebbed. And the passenger side airbag went off. It was a very ugly sort of pale salmon color.

I guess this is what insurance is for: stupid fucking accidents you wish never had happened because you loved your first car =(. I like to fancy myself as a pretty good winter driver. I've been going through really bad snowstorms with that car for 7 years now and this one just...I dunno.

Gonna miss that car =(

And this really blows since I'm a commuter student. Awesome. Just rub some salt in the wound.

 

[Javorcek]

December 17, 2013

Tomorrow (Wednesday), I will be taking my last two finals: Organic Chemistry and Human Evolution.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Ahem...I mean...aw...shucks...I'm going to miss learning (Fuck you Chemistry I hope you explode >=().

But, anyways! I'll be running around filling posts ^^. My muse has been all over the place, but once I get a good night's rest, I should be able to focus and write anything! Thank you to all my partners who have been so patiently waiting. I'll still be kinda spotty

 

[Javorcek]

This is how I study:
Step 1:
If I am super tired ----> Noz
If I am sorta functioning ----> Monster
If I feel like being pretentious and am pretty awake ----> Tea

Step 2:
Twizzlers

Step 3:
Pick Awesome Playlist:
How did I Graduate the First time?
Lonely Island http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o
Parry Gripp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMWi7CLoZ2Q&feature=c4-overview-vl&list=PL3E461D88CE578CC4
Earth Wind and Fire http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=god7hAPv8f0
Beyonce http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArDXxTsJJoo

Classical Music Stimulates the Brain (But has no definitive long-term effects when it comes to learning...or some such nonsense.)
Piano Guys http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry4BzonlVlw&list=RD0VqTwnAuHws
Bach http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6yuR8efotI&list=PLA70D07FB6C624D3A
Chopin http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGRO05WcNDk
Bizet http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJLyZqETuBU
ME3 OST http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQeFvUuPNHc&list=PLA10D6BE808DD1BBF
ME3 OST http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5JvbD2Zc9I&list=PLA10D6BE808DD1BBF

Sometimes, Learning is Epic:
AudioMachine http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Zwb_v0dj-g
O Fortuna http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNWpZ-Y_KvU
Blackmill http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPT8DA32U6U&list=PL34F81AD83DBF9D28

Step 4:
Have slight nervous break down

Step 5:
Eat Twizzler

Step 6:
Remember that I'm slightly smarter than 50% of my class, therefore I sit on the C grade on the normal curve, therefore I just need to know 60% of the material to get a B or B-

Step 7:
Wonder why the fuck anyone goes to a BIG research school, because they don't care about how much you learn.
As long as you are smarter than the dumbest people in your class, you win. (Unfortunately that means you only need to know 50% of the information to pass.)
Come to the conclusion that the US's school system sucks. (I'm a patriot as much as the next girl. I love the United States. But for reals, our education system is garbage.)

Step 8:
Take test, somehow pull a B out of my butt.

 

[Javorcek]

January 7, 2014

Happy New Year!

Well, belated Happy New Year anyways.

I'm still a little slow...I've been working doubles because I'm on break from school. Working doubles sucks...it usually involves me screaming I'VE BEEN HERE FOR FOOUURRTTEEENNN HOOOUURRRSSSSSSS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Yeah, I fucking lose my marbles at work. But, I suppose it's better than everyone else, that just loses their temper. Working in a shipping warehouse is stressful. There's just boxes.

All the time.

Boxes.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

 

[Javorcek]

January 19, 2014

In a weird mood...it's been hard for me to write lately...

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I once had a professor tell me: "There are only two story lines in all of literature. One is 'a stranger came to town and this is what happened.' And the other one is 'I went on this amazing adventure, and this is what happened.'

We were comparing humm...I think it was Cold Sassy Tree and The Voyage of the Narwhal. I can barely remember the story line for Cold Sassy Tree, but I do remember a young man coming into a sleepy little southern town and rattling things up. And then there's The Voyage of the Narwhal, which I remember a lot better. It's about an older scientist that goes on an expedition to the North Pole with a young adventurer. I really liked that book...it's still one of my favorites, mostly because of how the characters are portrayed. They're just so realistic...and just...-human-... They're portrayed with all their faults


Now where was I...

Oh yeah, the two plots in all of great literature....

I guess I've been thinking about that so much because my life is currently stuck in 'a stranger came to town and this is what happened.' Only...there's no stranger in town. And my life is still just boring. And I dunno...I'll be 27 soon, 3 more days, and I wish I had a story under my sleeve of 'I went on this amazing adventure and this is what happened.'

But I don't have any cool adventures, because I'm responsible.

Well...really because I'm terrified, but I like to say that I'm responsible.

Adventuring is expensive and let's face it: I'm broke.

But that's besides the point...Let's get to the part where I'm terrified: going into the great big unknown world is fucking scary. Home is safe. I'm scared of living in a place that's completely new. I'm terrified of not making it...

But I know that I can always come home. No matter how badly I fuck up.

So what the hell am I afraid of?

 

[Javorcek]

January 26, 2014

Posting will be very slow! Because of school, and stuff.

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Annndddd posting is mostly slow I guess because I'm a little conflicted. I told my girlfriend that I roleplay...diiiiiddddnnn'tttt go over well, not at all.

 

[Javorcek]

January 30, 2014

I will be totally unable to post from Friday-probably Monday?

My girlfriend is visiting, and if I write, she will stab me in the eye and probably cut off my hands.

...Well...maybe not anything -that- extreme. But she's definitely not going to be happy.

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Sometimes I wonder if my girlfriend will strangle me for roleplaying even after she yelled at me. But when she was yelling, it was mostly 'YOU DIRTY CHEATING BITCH AHHH I HATE YOU!!!'

And in nowhere in her yelling did she tell me I -couldn't-...

Soooooo...

Yeah...

In my defense, I am a very sexual person, and this is my only sexual outlet at the moment.

But I also see it from her side: I'm writing very intimate, highly sexual stories with strangers over the internet. Strangers that may share the same fantasies and interests that I do. My characters are roughly based on parts of me, how I see myself, or how I would like others to see me. And so she feels a little threatened that she will lose me to some pixels on the screen that get to see a slightly depraved side that I'm more than happy to hide.

And yet, I keep writing. Because half the time I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't dispose of all this stupid sexual energy somehow. It's -frustrating-, beyond frustrating to crave touch and the only person that can give it to you attends a college that is 4 hours away from your own. 4 hours may same like nothing. But if you're like me and go to school in the morning, work nights, do homework, and in the spare scraps of time you have find a hobby in erotica writing, then 4 hours is a lot of time.

 

[Javorcek]

Febuary 3, 2014

Back! Kinda... I have a lot of errands and homework to do. Trying to slowly churn out replies in my free time though ^^

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I'm having RP ADD or something... It's hard for me to focus on any of them and I'm tempted to start a new one (which is bad, because I already have so many.)

Don't get me wrong, I love my stories and my partners are fantastic.

I just...I dunno. I feel like I'm missing a story that just has that -connection-. The one where I really can relate to the character. And maybe some forces that are trying to pull the two apart... Liiiikkkeee...I dunno...

My favorite RP that I've done so far was Girl's Fun in the Sun. In it the two girls struggle for a loonnngggg time with their feelings for one another. But it's fun. It's not full or drama and self-loathing.

Blargh...and now I have to go to class and can't finish this thought ><.

Anatomy and Physiology is evil.

 

[Javorcek]

February 12, 2014

Running some errands (oil change, paperwork, groceries, job fair, blargh)...hopefully I can write afterwards. This week has been a little stressful and my brain feels like soup. It's nice to break up the technical sciencey crap I do everyday with something creative like writing.

Oh and I need to work on my costume for a convention...maybe I won't write and that'll be my creative outlet instead?

I'm going to be Commander Shepard.

Don't laugh.

My old sculpture professor would be so proud ><.

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Today is Job Expo day, which means today I go through the complex ritual of selling myself to a company for the sake of finding a career. Not a job, but a career. What's the difference? I have a job now: I work at UPS; I hate it (well...'hate' is a strong word. I dislike it severely because I do the same menial labor every day. I love the stress it puts on my body and actively doing something). But I want a career, one that hopefully stimulates my mind. Annndddd one that'll hopefully make use of one of the 4 degrees I have.

Seriously. Four. FOUR. Seven years of college and four degrees later, I work at a shipping company loading trailers or sorting packages. Part of it is my fault, I love the area I live in and my job gives me awesome benefits: medical, dental and eyecare! You can't find jobs that give you all that stuff for 40 bucks a month anymore!

So yeah, I shoot myself in the foot by not opening myself up to other locations. But not anymore! No sir! I'm going to fucking move! ...Hopefully to a state that allows gay marriage ^^.

But anyways...

Where was I...

You know what? I -hate- selling myself.

It's not that I'm shy or unconfident (I'll talk the ears off of strangers and I know I'm a hard worker, smart, adaptable, etc). It's just that I hate going through this stupid ass routine of applying make-up, shining my shoes, ironing my pants (where the hell is this crease supposed to go anyways?!)

You know how to use bronzer? Cause I sure as hell don't. ...I -probably- should've paid closer attention to my friend when he was showing me how to use it. But I was drunk (drunken lesbian make-over parties yaaayyyy). And now that I'm sober, I can't fricken remember. Something about putting it where the sun touches my face...but if I put it on it makes my neck look ridiculously light.

Oh gestaltism...how I hate you.

Is it weird that I choose to wear sexy feminine underwear and cologne at the same time?

Maybe I have the urge to feel that sort of masculine power, then mix it around with some feminine wiles to get what I want.

 

[Javorcek]

Blargh!

Posting will be non-existent this week. I have exams.

...And I'm working on my Commander Shepard costume.

Studying?! O.O What's that?

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February 24, 2014

I had an art professor tell my class that the reason we work sooooooo hoorrriibbllyyyy slloooowwwwlllyyyy is because we're afraid to make decisions. We're afraid to be wrong. We're afraid to start over.

We trace over the same lines. When we're supposed to be checking our marks, we'll subconsciously move our measurements back to how we sketched them out the first time, rather than how we actually see them.

We spend days and days and days just tracing the same lines, afraid to make marks that are too dark because there is no going back to pure white once you smear black all over the paper.

I have until Friday to get my armor ready to be painted.

I also have a hailstorm of exams.

I don't have time to hesitate and question my choices. I only have time to make decisions and dive in head first.

Ready! Set! Go!!

 

[Javorcek]

More exams. I don't have time for posts. But Thursday! Maybe! Hopefully!

Aghh...maybe not, my girlfriend is coming this weekend...

Crraaaapppp...

I do want to write, truly I do. I have many wonderful partners and love the stories that I'm involved in. But as much as I enjoy this hobby, I have to do stupid school work ><.

3 more months, then no school =D

2 more weeks and then spring break. I may be totally off BMR and dead til spring break hits. I never understood how college students manage to just go off on crazy vacations during spring break. Where the hell does all that money come from? I've never ever had a thousand dollars just hanging out somewhere that I can go 'oh yeah! I'm gonna light this money on fire via airfare, hotels, and booze'.