Patreon LogoYour support makes Blue Moon possible (Patreon)

Rate my Writing?

V

Vic Rattlehead

Guest
This is for a current roleplay I'm doing and I could use some feedback in order to improve.
Intro:Oliver’s olive skin began to brush against the soft silk fabric, as he rolled blindly around in the bed. During his blind rolling he felt that he had bumped against something, azure slits opening to investigate what exactly he banged into. "Surprise, surprise." Oliver said with a groan having smashed into one of the girls he took to bed. The victim was on his right while there was another girl on his left, luckily both were still asleep. Not for long though as Oilver strong-arms both of the girls out of his bed, yelling "Get the fuck out of here." smirking as both of them scrammed out of his tavern room. “I’m getting too old for this shit.”, he let out a slight chuckle as saw some empty mugs on the floor. Shooting out his right hand Oliver roughly grabs the sheet ripping it off his body, before jumping out of bed being careful not to land on a mug. Groaning he slowly put on his plain black shirt, breeches, and boots preferring to stay in bed, rather than handing out pay and looking for a new contract to keep the company aloft. Don’t get Oliver wrong he loved the company and wanted it to prosper, but he rather keep money then give it away. Though his lifestyle was a dangerous one he often went without armor unless is combat, having no fear of being slain since he was well loved by his men.

Though the Landless Bastard company was 10,000 men strong the tavern was only large enough, for two dozen men maybe more if the tavern was empty. The other men were scattered amongst the town some finding other taverns or living outside of the town limits in tents. Oliver always thought it a fitting name for the company was made up of bastards and men who would never inherit any money or land. Stepping out of his room he spots some of men at a table drinking ale and flirting with the serving wenches. “Bring me some ale and food”, Oliver barks at one of the wenches sending the woman scurrying. Sliding a hand down his pockets he pulls out a parchment of paper with the names of all the men in the company, along with how much they were supposed to be paid. After running through the list Oliver puts the list back into his pocket, looking at his fully armored and armed compatriots. Having realized their captain was amongst them his men quickly stood up and saluted him. “Standing up and saluting me won’t make me pay you faster, you sorry lot.” Oliver said with a wide grin on his lips. By the time he was brought his breakfast the table was in a uproar of laughter.

Sample Posts:Noting a shadow near the doorway Oliver looked up from his half finished breakfast, to behold the presence of a beautiful woman with auburn hair. "For such a stunning woman something was different about her than the serving wenches." he thought picking up on how she wore a bodice along with a riding skirt. Though what was most bizarre to Oliver was how the woman carried herself it reminding of him of nobility. Whispering among his companies he decides that Pox Face Jimmy would play captain and he would play servant. In front of everyone Pox Face Jimmy slaps Oliver roughly across the face, demanding him to bring the woman over to the table. Standing up the five foot nine man stood up walking over to the woman, with his shoulder hunched and looking down at the floor. "My captain would like an audience with you my lady." a silky smooth voice escapes Oliver's lips him shyly running his fingers through his short umber hair then his stubble of a beard.

Oliver had to hold back a grin from his lips as the woman smiled at him and lead her back to the table, as if he were a dog going back to his owner. "Does he look like a Knolles to you." he had thought imagining those thick red lips of her's wrapped around his manhood. "Aye I'm Oliver Knolles and the gods finally answered my prayers, by giving me a wench to fuck.", Pox Face Jimmy had said in a gruff voice staring lustfully at the woman. For a second time their part of the tavern was in an uproar of laughter and even Oliver had to laugh at that. Even without the poxes all over the faces Jimmy was ugly and potbellied, with bad breath and already balding though younger than Oliver. Even all the coin in the world couldn't convince a woman to willingly have sex with Jimmy so the man resorted to rape. "Oh so you want to hire me and my boys, but talk privately eh? Are you that much in a rush to have your pussy gaping? I doubt you could hire us little lady, but I'll tell you what since I'm feeling generous. If you open your legs for all ten thousand of us, we'll shower you in coppers and you can hire us for a week.", Jimmy grinned showing most of the man's teeth were gone. By the look of the man at the table Oliver had thought, they liked the sound of plowing this Isabella. However, he had picked up on Isabella referring herself as a lady and he knew an opportunity of a life time fell onto his lap. “Why do you want to hire us anyway girlie? Do you need us to fight off mice and spiders?”, Jimmy had took Isabella by the hand and started at her.

For almost all of his life Oliver had been a mercenary all of his clients had been male, but Isabella might just change that. However, he wondered how much money was on the woman’s head if she was seeking to hire a mercenary company. At the moment didn’t matter for Oliver could bleed the woman dry and just maybe, fuck over his client both literally and figuratively. He would keep silent and let Jimmy play captain long enough, to see what this Isabella was all about. Back in his mind Oliver thought why the woman came alone and if his company accepted her contract, would they be her only fighting men? Throughout history mercenary companies have turned the tides of battles and even wars, but they always supplemented an established military force. Oliver already thought that the only way they could win was attrition and guerrilla warfare, which took even longer than regular wars. Isabella’s money could only last so long and her cunt appealing to him, before his men would abandon him if he persisted. Even if the company stayed intact it would only take one good ambush before they were all slaughtered, Oliver began to think of other ways this could turn ugly. For her own sake he hopes the woman knows what shes in for and can walk the walk, not just talk the talk.
 
Less is more, and avoid a passive voice whenever possible. Also avoid repeating the same verb/adjective etc (blind/blindly, rolling). Here's a quick redux of the first couple sentences:

Oliver’s olive skin brushed against the luxurious silk as he rolled blindly in bed. In his sightless sprawl he brushed against something, the azure slits of his eyes opening to investigate.


Every word counts when you're writing, and that's what often separates good prose from bad. Another thing is punctuation. You've got some issues with commas, as most writers do. You should really do a bit of research on commas, specifically, to get a better idea of where exactly they go in a sentence. You are neither over- nor under-using them, but you've got them in the wrong places a lot of the time.

Example of "almost right" comma use is the first sentence after "sample post," which I have edited as follows:
Noting a shadow near the doorway, Oliver looked up from his half finished breakfast to behold the presence of a beautiful woman with auburn hair.

Please note that the sentence could use additional editing, and that the above was only changed in regard to the comma use. My version of the sentence would be something like:

Looking up from his half-finished breakfast, Oliver beheld the shapely silhouette of a woman outlined in his doorway.

All things considered, I would give your writing about a 5/10, and I want you to try to understand that that is a big compliment. It's obvious that you put time and effort into your writing, and you've got the beginnings of a personal writing style cropping up in the way you frame your scenes and structure your sentences. It's clear that you roll the dialog around in your head a bit before you put it down on the page, because it sounds closer to natural than what you'd usually see in beginner's fiction. It's still a bit clunky, but as the saying goes, "Writing is re-writing." What I think would help you tremendously is if you gave yourself a little mental slap every time you consider putting the words "had, was, is, began to, proceeded to, would, be, being" and anything else like them on the page. They're not inherently bad, but you over-use that sort of passive language. Instead of saying that Oliver began to eat his breakfast, just say that Oliver ate his breakfast. Oliver didn't start to do whatever, he just did it. Instant improvement.

Anyways, hopefully this helps you out with your writing. Keep up the good work!
 
Thanks I'll try to avoid passive language and you've only seen the tip of the iceberg when it comes to dialog. Heres a new post.

Oliver smirked from ear to ear at Izabella's blushing it was always an ego boost, when he could make an younger woman blush. When the woman questioned his capability it was a slap to the face and saying how she could find another company was typical, but her questioning his leadership was the last straw. "My men followed all across the world, but I cant be everywhere at once. Keeping track and paying out my men is difficult enough, but I also have to take into consideration the camp followers.", Olver said as calmly as could manage. The man waited until the woman turned her back on him before clenching his fist with a grimace look on his face. By the time Izabella looked over at him the Oliver's fist was unclenched and his face vacuous, but his blood was still boiling. "One day I'm going to humble you.", he thought bitterly almost saying it out loud. Standing up Oliver went over to the table examining the bag of gold finding its weight suitable, but he knew he could milk more out of the girl. However, before putting the bag back down Oliver took a gold coin out and bit it to make sure it was real. Striding over to the woman he gently places his hand over hers, stopping the handle from turning. "I don't need stories to bed wenches, just coin. You won me over girly you have our swords, so lets celebrate the occasion with you paying for a feast.", Oliver gave Isabella an wolfish grin.
 
One thing you need to do is read up on how to use punctuation when you're writing dialog. You're consistent, but incorrect, which is easy to fix.
 
Punctuation aside how would you rate that particular post?
 
It was alright, it just needed some more attention. It's great for where you're at, in terms of how your talent is developed right now, but like I was saying before it needs a certain degree of polish and for you to finish finding your "voice," which are both things that come naturally over time. The trick is to keep writing, with the specific goal of getting better. Don't look for praise on your work, but instead find someone who will be kind enough to eviscerate your work for you and leave it's entrails in a steaming pile on the ground before stabbing it in the face with a soldering iron. That kind of tough love is how you get better at writing.
 
Sadist much? XD Yeah I can see what you mean I just need to find my own style.
 
I have to agree with Squishypink, in terms of your general writing ability. It's generally pretty close to being a style you can be proud of. However, there are a few glaring faults which, IMO, tend to drag it back.

(1) Punctuation: As Squishypink implies, nothing marks you out as an amateur more than not understanding punctuation. Generally speaking, when using quotes, use the comma after the thing that's being said, before using the verb that tells the reader something is being spoken, unless you plan to start a new sentence. It's hard to explain, but try taking what I've done below as a model.

Squishypink read the post. "It's really very good," she admitted, replacing her gutting knife. "I won't be able to rip out the entrails of this one." She frowned. "Shame," she sighed. "I wanted to."

In general, my tip to fix this is to read professionally written books, and copy the way paid writers use punctuation.

(2) Also: Try not switching between past tense and present, as you did in your first example. The phrase:

Not for long though as Oilver strong-arms both of the girls out of his bed

should not have been in present tense, since the rest of the piece was in past. In general, try to stick to one tense unless you have a good reason for doing otherwise. In RP, btw, past tense usually works best and many request threads refuse to RP with you if you use present tense. Also, it's better NOT to mis-spell the name of your main character!

(3) The "passive voice" means switching the subject and object of a sentence inappropriately. Example, saying:

"The apple was eaten by Oliver."

is passive voice.

"Oliver ate the apple."

is much better in most cases.

(4) Also, a couple of styling faults glared out at me. One big error many people make is describing something factual when it's a subjective opinion. ie "A beautiful auburn haired woman." Much better to describe her, and let the reader describe for themselves if she is beautiful. Try something like this:

A woman stood there. She had translucent, pale skin, lightly dusted with freckles over her small nose, her face was framed with dark auburn hair. Despite her slimness, her firm breasts were large and jutted proudly. Her eyes were a deep green, and twinkled with mischief. Oliver gave a gasp, and felt his pace quicken.

(5) Another styling fault I see is pointing out the needlessly obvious. For example "Oliver had to hold back a grin from his lips." Did your reader really need to know that he habitually used his lips to grin? It isn't as if he could smile with his kneecaps, it it? Your sentence would have been stronger if you;d cut out the last three words!

(6) Avoid ambiguous sentences, especially if the "wrong" meaning is unintentionally funny.

However, he wondered how much money was on the woman’s head

Made me think of her balancing a pile of coins on her head. Much better might have been:

So this woman had a price on her head. Oliver wondered how much that price was, given she was willing to hire a company of mercenaries.

In general, I give your style a 5 or 6 on a 10 scale, and despite what I said above, I think it shows a lot of promise. Hope this helps.

Sy
 
Thank you I'll try to incorporate what you said for today's posting.
 
Heres two examples of my posts incorporating my "fixed" dialog.

1. A five foot nine figure clad in all steel with a unpolished and black appearance, could be seen prowling the lowland. With every step the man felt as if his bones would shatter even with all the padding underneath, he felt gelid. The man lifts his helmet off to better examine the carnage at his feet, him soon feeling a lone piece of snow hitting the top of Oliver's shaven umber hair. For every broken and bloody body on the man's side, there were ten of the enemy there with them. "Before I came to this god forsaken country I had ten thousand men, but today I only have nine thousand and two hundred," said with a growl, putting his helmet back on. Though Oliver and his men bloodied Isabella's uncle's men before, this was the first major battle of the campaign. Speaking of the would be queen he seen the woman become more stingy, every time she were to pay him for his service. "It couldn't be due to the fact that the girl's so called ally lords have yet to send anything other then a letter, after the Landless Bastards haven been fighting for over several months," Oliver was almost in tears with laughter, having known things would be amiss. Almost conveniently today was the day of the month were he would receive payment, maybe he would charge more for his causalities. Mounting his steed Oliver rode on back to camp where Isabella would be waiting, in his pavilion tent.

2. Cormac followed behind Ara into the garden, positioning himself in front of the seated girl. He didn't have to wait long to find out why the girl stopped, for pulled out a flute. Cormac watched as Ara wrapped her lips around the flute and started to play. "The girl thinks herself a musician eh," the words ran through his head, the man held back a smirk. Though Cormac admitted that the girl could play having known, she practiced a lot. "Smile at me again and I'll give you something else to wrap your lips around, you little bitch," he thought bitterly, the man hated her smile. Like a good dog Cormac waited until Ara stopped playing, before she commanded him to come along. Begrudgingly he followed along to the pottery room and noted once inside, it was empty except them. While Ara spinned a bowl Cormac stood vigilant and glanced at her occasionally. Though they were he didn't risk doing anything because at any moment a servant or a artisan could walk in.
 
Your dialog punctuation is better now, but you still really need to work on your general use of commas and periods in your sentences. Like Alan and myself have both said, you are *very* close to having it right, but you're still inconsistent and off target. As far as dialog itself goes, I would rate these posts below your others in terms of sounding natural. I think that, in the course of thinking about the mechanics of grammar and punctuation, you let your dialog get a bit choppy and unnatural. That's fine, though, it's part of the learning process.

My best advice to you would be to go on Craigs List or Meetup or whatever and find yourself a writers' group in your local area. Writers tend to gather at places with all day breakfast and murder each other's work over all-you-can-eat pancakes. Happens all the time and generally won't cost you anything. You'll get a lot of concrete advice and you can submit larger pieces of work to the group for a really good massacre. Come for the murder, stay for the pancakes.
 
I could always hire someone to whip me for every punctuation error I make, but I'd probably end up dead. Thanks again for the help and taking the time to read my work.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom