-The Docket-

[captain_jay_conrad]

New Years Eve​

It is hard to believe that 2019 is already coming to an end. A lot of things have changed this year. Yet, so much remains the same. This dichotomy is not lost upon me. When I was younger I did not pay as much attention to notice it, I suppose.

Over the last two years, I have learned to be more introspective. I wouldn't say that I have become that much wiser, really. Rather, I feel like I have simply learned to be more observant than anything else. It is a subtle and gradual shift. Growing up, I guess one would call it.

Still, I know that I have a lot to look forward to, and certainly there is much for which I am thankful. No matter how difficult things seemingly become, there's an innate sense that things will ultimately turn out right. At heart, I've always been an incurable optimist. Sometimes, it has been the sole attribute of my character that got me through some very trying situations.

Life has to be treated like that. I've learned, all too well, that life is far too precious--and far too short--to spend it constantly worrying over every little setback one encounters. This is especially true in regards to those things over which we have no control. If ever there's a lesson we are supposed to learn in our adult lives, I would say that has to be the paramount one.

While it might sound as though I am projecting a message of depression, I assure you all that I am not. This is merely a reflection and recollection of all the things I have encountered and endured, over the past year. Indeed, the storms I have faced were numerous and draining. Yet, I am still here, and wake up every morning prepared to go out and face the day. I try and treat every day I'm given as a gift. For, when it's all said and done, that's exactly what each and every day afforded to us amounts to.

One never knows what joys will be included in the trials one faces. In that sense the Buddhists have a point of wisdom. Everything seems to boil down to a balance. It's merely a matter of finding what the proper balance is for each of us individually. The proper balance for my life might not be the proper balance for yours.

I think that's one of the major reasons why I go out of my way not to judge others. There is no way that I can be certain of what exactly is the best thing for them. That's not to say that there aren't certain things that are absolute necessities. We all need food and shelter. However, when it comes to the peripheries of life, that becomes far more individual and intimate in nature.

To me, if more people took an approach that sought understanding as opposed to demanding conformity, the world would probably be a much better place. We'd get a lot more accomplished, and respect would be a much easier goal to achieve. I could be wrong in this outlook, but personal experience has taught me otherwise. My experiences have shown me just how wrong my conclusions about things can be.

That's one of the funny aspects of my profession. The more involved one becomes in the legal process, the less clear cut and linear things become. On the whole, the world is neither black nor white. Personal judgment must always rest on the gray areas. Of course, that's the area where we feel the least comfortable in making judgments or determinations.

As always, it's the fear of the unknown that causes that sense of discomfort. Said fear of the unknown is compounded when we are unsure of whether the decision we made is the right one, or not. The only way to overcome this fear is to confront it, and confront it often. And, when one makes a mistake, it is usually far better to admit it than not. It's not perfect, but nothing in life is ever truly perfect.

Then again, wouldn't living in a perfect world be boring? We'd all live in a sort of Utopia where everyone was the same, and talents would be equally lackluster. That sounds more like a nightmare than anything else. Such a world would be devoid of all color and meaning. No, for me, a perfect world sounds like a hellish place to live.

Therefore, in the New Year, I intend to embrace my imperfections. What's more, I plan on being far more accepting in the imperfections of other. The weaknesses of some shall bolster the strengths of others, and vice versa. To my mind, that is why we humans are social creatures. We have to be. Otherwise we grow stagnant, and stop learning. That would be a fate far worse than death.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

New Opportunities
​

There's something I learned about my line of work. Whenever oportunity comes, take it, whether you're ready to do so, or not. That's certainly the way things have been going for me the past couple of months. I've had the chance to take my career to the next level, and in some ways, I've never looked back. Yet, at the same time, it all feels so surreal.

I've ventured onto this site in an on-and-off fashion since 2012. At the start of that journey I'd just been licensed, and was practicing as a solo practicioner. The thought of working in some God- damned law firm had absolutely no appeal to me. Becoming a glorified serf in the legal field sounded about as enticing as passing a kidney stone. So, I believed the solo route was basically what my legal career would amount to.

That all changed in March of this year. An old friend from my college days called me out the blue. After getting through the general pleasantries of friends who hadn't seen each other in years, he asked in the calmest of tones, " My brother and I have started a new manufacturing company that builds parts for Airforce jets and other military aircraft...You wouldn't happen to want to become chief in-house counsel for us, would you?"

I couldn't believe it. Corporate Law was something I thought was reserved for those privileged few who graduated from one of the top ten law schools, not some small time attorney such as myself. But, I knew the opportunity of a lifetime when I saw it, so I took it and ran.

It's been quite the rollercoaster ride since, too. I've dealt with sums of money I never thought I'd deal with. I've won some major deals along the way too. Yet, all the while, I've done my utmost to remain true to who I've always been. At heart, I'll always be everyone's favorite sarcastic little asshole. I can't help it. That's just who I am.

When it's all said and done, the most significant thing we must recall is that life never truly happens in the manner in which we plan it. It travels its own path, and we're all just along for the ride. So, always do what you can to make the most of it whenever and wherever you can. Don't waste time wondering whether you'll get a breakthrough, just keep pushing ahead, and something will always turn up, maybe just not when you would have expected, or wanted it to do so.

We each have a path to traverse. Whether we achieve our desires, or not, remains squarely in our hands. That's never easy. Still, it is whatever you choose to make of it. And, that's what makes it all worthwhile in the end. Keeping a proper perspective goes a long way in achieving one's wildest dreams. I've seen it too often for that not to be the case.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

Exploring the darkness.
​

I have found that my tastes in storylines have grown increasingly dark. The other thing is that I am much more interested in corrupting an idealistic vision of what the character wants. That is, to shatter their dreams and to break their will. I used to show more interest in other plots, but I have been in an exceedingly dark mood of late. The weird thing is that I'm nothing like this in person. Part of me thinks it is tied to the adversarial nature of my profession. There is a release of tension when writing about the dark and depraved. It's fun to explore how the characters react to the steady distengration of their beliefs and expectations.

Another aspect of it is I have always been interested in exploring the full scale of human emotion. Light and fluffy plots are nice. There are times when they are even preferable. Still, taking a step into the dark and depraved challenges my creativity as a writer. That's what makes them so intriguing and engaging.

Sometimes, I want to see the villain win. To express the things I can't in the daily tasks of life. When exploring the dingy and seedy it also gives me a chance to further develop my skills in expressing what my characters are feeling in the moment. The best writing expresses emotion even in descriptions of the scenery. And, the dark and depraved allows for such diverse and unique scenes. It's almost like a gothic novel, or film noir.

A flicker of darkness can ignite the flame of creativity. Then the reward becomes the actual writing process itself. I find it liberating to shine a light in the penumbra of my conscience. I find it exciting. How far can my mind go? What's it like to throw all inhibitions aside? That is fountainhead of satisfaction.

I know that it can be strange to explore these aspects of the creative process like this. But, I find that it really helps me break through writing blocks that pop up from time to time. When one can explore what it is that makes them enjoy certain types of stories and writing styles, it will also help us determine the best way to connect with our intended audiences. I think it improves our writing, and the overall writing process as well.

Eventually, I will be a bit more satisfied in how I connect with my literary voice. Of course, there will never be complete satisfaction. I believe that writers are never completely satisfied with their writing style. Each of us are always attempting to improve our style. Connecting with our audience and fellow writers help us expand our creative potential. And, for me, that is the most important aspect of what all of us seek out in role-playing. It's like combining writing and acting in a singular medium. Maybe it could even be referred to as method writing.

To make a character more believable it is necessary to enter their minds. Moreover, we have to be able to create passionate and believable villains. I find that when I create such characters, the most fun ones are those who mix the elements of pleasure and pain. It makes them have greater depth. And, maybe thats why I am wanting to delve further into the plight and delight of the dark and salacious.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

I've found, in my line of work, that there are those who will never accept a piece of advice. It is one of those scenarios where you can see the train wreck waiting to spring forth, but no matter what you say, the client won't take the advice. That sort of thing is more taxing than I ever thought it would be. Perhaps, rather naively on my part, I thought I would grow used to it with time. That something of this nature could be shut off from being a drain, but sometimes that's just impossible.

Thankfully this happens less now that I'm in corporate law. I'm not out on the front lines as I had been during my criminal defense days. These days I mostly oversee the work of the outside counsel we contract to watch over the company's best interests. Still, every now and then, one of the cases of an individual seeking help comes up. I'm willing to help, because I don't like seeing good people get screwed by an overly complex and oft-times unfair system.

Then the facts of the case come to light, and it is a walking shit-show on stilts. A default judgment for failing to appear when a creditor had filed suit. Then having two bank accounts frozen as a result of garnishment, and the kicker, an amount in tens of thousands of dollars. These are the sorts of cases that create divorces. And, family law is something I vowed never once to touch.

Well, I offered the advice I would, and three other attorneys offered the same advice. Still, hurt and reeling from their bout of misfortune, these poor souls are still convinced they have a case, and their money is salvageable. I won't say it's impossible, but it is merely three steps to the left from it. In a case like this it is best to cut losses and attempt to negotiate a way out. But, the other side is in no mood to give up their superior position. My concern is that these souls will lose even more money trying to create a legal solution that simply isn't there.

I'm as aggressive as it comes when it comes to protecting my client's rights and interests. One doesn't become the Chief Legal Officer of several multi-million dollar companies if they don't fight. But, part of being a good practitioner is knowing when you don't have a leg to stand on, so to speak. And, that is what this case is. It's a losing situation no matter what.

It's also a situation where the client is going to be pissed no matter what the outcome is. There is fighting for a purpose, and then there is fighting just to fight. The former serves a purpose. While the latter just digs a hole deeper. There's no damned sense in digging oneself into a deeper hole.

Yet, when certain clients get an idea in their head, there's no shaking them from it. They fixate and obsess over it. The wound to their pride begins to fester, and they can't let it go. That is the point where you cut ties from it. Pursuing it further serves no purpose aside from endangering yourself, as a practitioner.

If there is something I miss from my days as a young attorney, it would have to be that hopeful outlook that I could make a difference in the system. It's quaint, almost charming in its hopeful innocence. The real world hasn't crept in yet, and the promise of glory from your days in law school are still fresh in your mind. Experience wipes that youthful outlook away. It always does.

One doesn't stop caring about the things they did when they first emerged from the hell that is law school. Nor do they necessarily change who they are. It's just a matter of maturing in the profession. Everyone has limits, and the system can never be wholly purified. This is just one of those things which never makes sense until one has experienced it.

I do wish the best for these souls. Being in a situation like theirs is never pleasant. But, when the toxic cocktail of pain and a desire for vengeance kicks in, there's no calming the beast. I have done what I can. And, there's nothing more I can do.

Is this a loss for me? In a technical sense, no. But, law cannot always be merely technical. So, for that reason, I would toss it up as a loss. It's a loss because I couldn't get the client to a position where they were satisfied enough that further harm would not ensue.

Every practitioner has moments of victory, and of defeat. No matter how many victories or successes one achieves, the bitter fruit of defeat doesn't get easier. You just get more stoic about it. Constantly pouring everything into it will merely burn you out in the long run. So, it becomes a matter of finding a way to compartmentalize it.

That's the lesson that rears itself every time something like this happens. Doesn't make it easier. Rather, it just makes it a little easier to understand. At least, to the degree that some of this bullshit can be understood. So, there's that, I suppose.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

There are so many times when I'm left wondering whether I have lost my ability to write. It's a thought which started crossing my mind after work started becoming more intensive. I suppose part of the reason for this is because legal writing is the sort of writing that would make one wish to pluck one's eyes directly from their sockets. And, truth be told, I wouldn't blame one in the least bit for doing such. Legal writing is so fucking bland and boring there's nothing about it which could be considered even remotely entertaining--save for the odd moment where hilarity ensues because an attorney is being a complete and total jackass in their brief, memo, letter, email, death-salutation-greetings-paper.

Lord knows I'll never forgetting having to read a God-damned case involving Baskin Robbins Ice Cream, where the judge decided that it would be fun to go through 31 reasons as to why he hated the case. I'm sure I could add a tasteless pun about flavor here, but that's just not worth it. It's been thirteen years since I read that case--and, indeed, I've read a lot of shit writing since--but I still remember groaning and rolling my eyes upon reading those parched lines of pathetic ruin and monotonous prose. If ever I have had a writing-related nightmare, it's that I'd become either so jaded, spiteful, drunk, or all of the above, that my writing style would default to that of the fucking Baskin Robbins case.

The sad thing is that such an awful case never leaves your mind. It's imprinted on you like a bad hangover following a night of regretful decisions...of which seems to be many of my nights. Even now, the case name returns to me, Copeland v. Baskin Robbins USA. I can hear a screaming clown laughing in the back of my head as my fingers trail across the keyboard putting down these putrid words. I thank my lucky fucking stars that I wasn't the poor bastard called upon to recite the facts of that case, or to even acknowledge that the judge was wily enough to commit a monstrous crime against humanity--namely, stealing our perfectly fine air.

One could not be faulted for claiming that law school ruins the mind of a soul. It does. Imagine a bunch of entitled brats thrown together into the tight confines of an auditorium. Each thinks they're as smart as the other...well, I didn't think I was. I was there for the ride. My goal was to get through it, to aim towards what would come after. But, I digress. We were all thrown into the tight confines, most of us thinking we were better than our rivals (which was everyone else. And imagine how fun it was when said rivals were also lovers....) We could all agree that this case was a terrible one, and that the judge should have probably been hanged...and set on fire, for good fucking measure.

To be honest, I don't think I became such a snarky and hateful asshole until I read that case. It was sort of like stepping on a tack and the pain was great enough that it left one wishing to contract tetanus which would bring a relatively comforting death via lock-jaw. Well, maybe my imagination was and is a bit more fanciful than the circumstances required. Still, we all hated that damn case. That anus of a case would have given one lock mind, if not lock jaw. Alas, I digress again.

That's been another one of the problems that I have been suffering through of late, as well. My mind seems to jump from one tangent to the next. It probably isn't helped by the fact that I receive calls and emails all day from a various assortment of assholes who are bigger assholes than myself, bitching about things that even more trivial than thirty-one flavors of fucking ice cream. One of my para legals thinks that everyone in the office wants to fuck her, be they male, female, Canon-brand-copy-fax-machine with Mr. Coffee giving a reach around...Actually, that last scenario sounds kind of hot. Splurges of hot ink and coffee creamers just would make my day a bit more exciting...if not lead to me being disbarred. But, to each their own. Just remember the fucking copier/coffee/orgy machine from hell knows where you live via your IP provider...or something. I suppose I could say that there's never a dull moment. Just don't ask whether I'm sane. I think I lost my sanity long ago...and I wouldn't have it any other way.​

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

Musings of a Decade.
​

It's hard to believe that I first ventured onto this site nearly a decade ago. I'm sure that I have done a similar post to this, but the actual date is a lot closer now, and I have been doing a fair amount of reflection of late. I may not have left the greatest impact here, or even left a memorable one. That said, over the years I have experienced some incredibly talented writers, who have put up with my quirks and worked well with me. On top of that, this journal hasn't scared everyone off...at least to my knowledge. So, I guess I can always consider that a benefit as well. (At least I can delude myself into thinking that things are good!) But, as a decade approaches I've had a chance to sit back and think about how much things have changed in my life. It goes without saying that a fair amount of water has traversed under the bridge in a ten-year period. Good and bad things have happened in my life, and I'm certainly not the same man I was back in 2012.

I'm reminded of the old Medieval adage about one becoming sadder and wiser as the years go on. Certainly this seems true for me. I've gained experience, and honed my skills as an attorney. Yet, at the same time, the carefree youthfulness that I had when I was fresh out of law school are gone. The passing of my mother almost four years ago also had a major impact on who I am as a person. I'm stronger in some ways, but also more hollow in others. Depths is gained, but at the expense of one's idealistic views. Idealism can be naive. But, at the same time, it can be charming. It's a way of looking at the world which encapsulates a moment. The fire and vigor of young idealism can inspire creativity like little else can. Yet, all of us, to a degree, begin to lose this as we age and gain experience. Certainly I'm not ancient yet. Just a bit grayer...(Okay a lot grayer) than I was when I first ventured onto this glorious little site.

I wouldn't trade my gained experiences for anything in the world. Still, there are times when I wish I could recapture some of the youthful strength and the more airy ideals I had when I was younger. Back then I could spin that into a story-line, capture an audience member and torture them with a depth an detail that could stir up emotions, and make ones heart flutter. Now, my fingers flow across the keys of my keyboard, and the words flow across the stream like an endless babbling stream. Yet, they fail to convey the same power of meaning that the words of yore could. Maybe it's a lens of nostalgia that is clouding my outlook and leading me to wax moronic about the past, but I don't honestly believe that to be the case. I think that there has to be something more to it, and that, indeed, there is more to it. Substantially more.

If anything, the greatest change I've had, is the one that is most fitting with my personality. I've become an even more sarcastic jackass than I could have ever been in the past. The underlings I have now say that, but with an air of appreciation. I'm dry, sarcastic, bitter...a bit like my morning coffee. It's something that just comes with the territory of having to deal with bullshit on a daily basis. Some have compared law school to high school. However, nothing is more petty and ridiculous than dealing with a gaggle of attorneys who have been plying their--fuck can we even call it a trade? Poison? What would you call what we do? I just call it bullshit--for a decade or more. They get set in their ways, and now that I'm in charge of the company's legal department they run to me to solve their problems.

The biggest of these is that they don't like people emailing them a certain way, or filing something another way. Hell, I've even had them argue over what type of God-damn curtains they want to hang in their office. As for me, personally, I couldn't care less what they put up in their office as long as they do their job. I don't pay them to come to me with their petty disagreements. Though, I have learned to laugh at them. One method I've deployed in resolving it is to tease them bluntly. I'll ask something like "Pick a number between one and ten." Dutifully they do. I smile and reply, "Wrong number, I don't care about numbers, other than performance. Do your jobs, if you can't get along ask some of the other associates if they'd be willing to work with you. If not, take some time off, or I'll make you take time off." Nine times out of ten that sort of thing solves it.

No matter what happens though, I sit back and wonder whether the success is real. Have I been living a dream all this time? I know that I haven't. My hard work and my stubborn nature pushed me through to achieving what I have. And, no matter how much whining I deal with, I actually do care about my associates...for as much and as long as I can. But, at the same time, I feel like I'm a bit more listless than I used to be. I am not resting on my laurels by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm just not as gung-ho as I used to be. My energy level with it all has mellowed some too. I'm still a fighter when I need to be, but it it's not something I long for like I used to. Confrontation is a hassle that's more often than not unnecessary. If I can achieve my goals without having to turn to confrontation, then so much the better. I still get my client (which I only have one now...the companies I work for) their desired outcome. Drama is great when it's in a story. It's not so great when it is impacting your day-to-day performance in your chosen career field. Then again, that's part of the learning curve. Youthful exuberance gets replaced with calm and calculated experience. The flames of passion die down into a more controllable ember, but the passion is still there. And, I have to admit, I love watching some of the new attorneys stepping into the field with their "I am going to change the fucking world" attitude. It's a good thing to see. Having advocates who had the passion to get through law school, and pass the bar is a good thing. The legal system is imperfect, and that will never change. However, the changes that do occur is because of the passion and dedication that each generation of attorneys put into it. In that sense, I'm proud of the direction the field is going. We need fresh blood in the system to keep it going. (And maybe that's why law is such a ravenous beast of a profession...it loves consuming the latest batch of attorneys... but, I digress.)

So, I'll recline and watch the young ones step up and show their grit. I'll even help them get to where they want to go. I've had a fair number of mentors who helped me along the way, and I don't think I'd have ever reached the heights that I have but for their help. Consequently, I think it's only fair that I pass it on to the up-and-coming generations of litigators as well. The field needs that kind of give and take relationship. So, that's what I do. Although I will admit, I miss clients like the one who stole twelve fucking stop signs in front of a police officer. Honestly, the memory that case will stick with me until the day I die.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

Just one of Those Days​

I've been in such a weird mood lately. Sort of a mixture between apathy and depression. It's not really depression, as I know that sensation all too well. At the same time, it's not apathy either. I still go through the motions of it all, and I'm in a contented place---for the most part. There's just something about this time of year that puts me off kilter.

There's the fact that I'm a week away from the four year anniversary of my mother's passing. How strange that it's been four years already. It sure as hell doesn't seem that long ago. What a horrible day that was. Death came unexpectedly. She had been fine just the day before; she'd been ready to assist Dad in surgery and even had her own patient scheduled for the following slot. But, it simply wasn't to be.

Maybe all I'm feeling is just a sense of being numb to it all. Those unexpected things can shift one's outlook on life. I try not to waste any of the time I have left with my father. Then, on top of this, it's also been a little over a year since my Aunt passed away. Also, it was around this time that I started my current position with my company. The changes have been happening at break-neck speed. All the while, I try and do my best to stay on top of things. Whether or not I am successful in that endeavor is debatable.

Maybe I've been waxing moronic of late. But, the reminders of one's mortality are there on a daily basis. As ever, I try not to dwell upon it too much, but at times like these, there's just no helping it. Oh well, I have a business trip in a few days, plus a doctor's appointment since my own health started acting up at the start of the year. It should be fine, and hopefully the trip will keep my mind off of the rest of it for a spell.

I guess that's part of figuring out you're not invincible. Though, this is one truth I have known for a long time now. It's a rather macabre sensation feeling compelled to record these thoughts and feelings. Worse still...I can't bill anyone for these thoughts. Not that these are my deepest or greatest thoughts anyway.

The worst thing is knowing that the only way through a rut like this is time itself. The monotonous winding and grinding through the hours of the day. Hell, I don't even have some sarcastic quip to blunt the edge off of that one. So, I'm not even going to bother with attempting to come up with one. It'd fall flat anyway.

Maybe this has taken out some of my sense of humor too. Every little thing is slightly irritating, but not to the degree that it makes me stark raving mad. Christ, it's annoying feeling like this. The one reprieve I have is that the work day is over and I can start to let my mind wander to other things. Like bills! No, fuck that, that can wait until tomorrow. I've got most of the fuckers paid off already anyhow.

A strong cup of dark roast decaff will be nice. A nice glass of that always helps deaden my mind to the endless internal chatter of bullshit. The best part is I don't have to answer the associate's e-mails for the rest of the evening. I'll take my silver linings wherever I can get them. What a day from hell. At least the coffee's ready, and smells good too.

​

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

Why are People Disenfranchised with the Justice System?​

When we look at the modern Justice System, one of the main areas of discussion that rises to the surface is a general sense of frustration. There is always a sense that the Justice System comes up short from achieving the intended purpose of the law and the underpinning legal principles which law seeks to achieve. Yet, there is always a lingering question that hovers in the back of my mind. Why, exactly, are people so disenfranchised with the Justice System? As a legal practitioner and officer of the court, naturally, I dedicate a lot of time and thought to this issue. It is my responsibility to grapple with this query and discover a plausible answer to this question, thereby allowing me to discern a possible solution to the issue.

Much of the reason why people are disenfranchised with the Justice System stems from variations in interpretations regarding the definition, and thereby fundamental aim, of justice itself. Because there are disagreements to accepted definitions of this term, it means that there is no uniformly accepted standard for which justice may be applied across the board. That, in turn, will automatically lead to a sense of discontentment regarding the system itself. In this sense, the courtroom is a battlefield in which differing interpretations and ideologies regarding justice are thrust against each other in order to determine which definition or application of justice applies in that given instance.

Given that there are individual interests involved with the Justice System, justice itself takes on many different meanings. Those differing meanings may be dependent upon a multitude of factors including: (1) the unique and differing circumstances in any given case; (2) personal biases; and, (3) societal norms. Thus, the notion of justice has to adeptly incorporate all of these elements and still achieve a modicum of applicability to society as a whole. This is a herculean task that is waged in courthouses throughout the land on a daily basis.

The above-referenced competing elements make determining a precise and working definition of the term "justice" next to impossible. What is right and just in one case will not necessarily be the same in a similar case where one or more of the competing elements making up the applicable definition of justice has changed, even slightly. Courts are established to weigh the competing elements comprising justice in as fair and impartial fashion as possible. Moreover, the Justice System allows for the appealing of determinations as a direct recognition that the system is imperfect. This gives as many parties as great of an opportunity as humanly possible to seek their day in court and to argue the points of why their interpretation of justice is or ought to be the one accepted and enforced by the rule of law.

Despite the complexities which surround the notion of justice may be reduced to a singular goal or purpose. Namely, the fundamental purpose or aim of justice is the constant and perpetual disposition to render to every person his or her due. See Borden v. State, 11 Ark. 528, 44 Am. Dec. 217. As we can see Justice is meant to be applicable to all people, and it is supposed to be applied impartially. In theory, this is what the Justice System is supposed to do. In practice, that can be a very different story. Because there are so many competing and complex interpretations to what justice is in any given circumstance the Justice System is slow moving and very often inefficient.

Indeed, one of the most complex attributes of Justice, in a legal sense, is that it seems to overlap with the term "equity”. It would be natural to conclude that equity and justice are of the same breadth and nature. Thus, the system would have to address them in the same fashion. However, this is not the case as equity and justice have different meanings which are similar yet afforded different weight and importance as a direct consequence of their focus and intended application. Said difference in weight and application leads to further frustration regarding and thereby disenfranchisement from the Justice System.

Nonetheless, in the legal sense, equity is a separate process with distinct goals from justice. Namely, equity can be defined as denoting the spirit and habit of fairness, justice, and right dealing which naturally regulates the intercourse of people. Equity, therefore, is a set practice which seeks to create honest and fair dealing between people. This is a significant part of Justice, and even overlaps with the fundamental principle of justice, but it is not as significant or important as the notion of justice itself.

Justice is distinct from equity in that it is constant, overarching, and applicable in all instances. Consequently, justice is the root goal and driving impetus behind the legal process. Equity is more circumstantial than justice, and is reliant on a very limited set of factors where justice is more abstract and universal. Despite this, confusion as to the applicability of each distinct notion leads to disappointment and a further erosion in trust respecting the Justice System's ability to provide access to justice.

Equity is also different than justice in that it is a spirit and habit of justice. As a result, equity is evanescent in nature, whereas justice is supposed to be constant. Therefore, what may be equitable in one instant may not, in fact, be just. Again, this distinction often times leads to an appearance of impropriety, corruption, and as a direct result a miscarriage of justice. These competing elements will always be a part of any Justice System as they are integral parts of human nature which are fluid and therefore never static.

Since human society is imperfect it is also incapable of achieving true justice. As was mentioned above, justice is supposed to be constant. Indeed, it is supposed to apply at all times, irrespective of differing circumstances or disparity in positions of power, wealth, rank, status, or a myriad of other considerations. Yet, given the fallible nature of humanity, justice is a lofty aim; as opposed to a concrete and inevitable thing.

It is because of this reason we have designed our Justice System to strive to achieve the notion of justice to the best of the ability of an imperfect and flawed society. Humanity, despite its flaws and imperfection, nonetheless demands perfection, or, at the very least, the appearance of perfection. Given that what is fair is entirely subjective to the party who presents themselves before the Justice System in search of true and perfect justice, taken in conjunction with the fact that law is adversarial—meaning at least one party must lose—it's inevitable that one party will feel they were denied justice.

This means that subjective understandings of the world make attaining objective standards of a perpetual state impossible to achieve. Consequently, the Justice System serves as a balance in which a great number of people shall view the determinations and outcomes of cases as being as fair as an imperfect system may possibly provide. While it is not perfect, it is the closest to perfection that we can get.

All of this leads to the question of why we strive to achieve the unachievable. Just because a perfect form or perpetual state is unobtainable, it does not follow that seeking the attainment of it is necessarily a wasted endeavor. In fact, by seeking to achieve an unobtainable standard, society is demonstrating several important things. Firstly, that it places great weight and value on the notion that is being sought. Secondly, society demonstrates that it will not accept less than the best good-faith effort exercised by the system on a daily basis. And, finally, the system therefore is always seeking to improve itself with each case that comes before it.

Society values the ability to achieve fairness as this sets a moral standard for society to follow itself. When society is based upon a system of laws, the quest for justice becomes a fundamental pillar of the system in and of itself. Thus, the Justice System will never satisfy us all. In truth, we do not want a system that would. Because a system that has achieved the unachievable is a system that will never improve beyond that point, and therefore becomes an inherently oppressive system. The system must always be in a state of conflict as this is what allows it to constantly strive to improve. That is what truly matters.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

Reflections on Expectations
​

One of the things I’ve learned over the years is to lessen my expectation of things. Heightened expectations always lead to heightened disappointment when things don’t turn out the way that you would have wanted. This is a pretty pessimistic way of looking at the world, I admit. But, in law, we’re taught to be pessimistic assholes, and that’s not something I can change overnight, or with the drop of a hat. Training is one of those things that sticks with you over the long haul.

The thing is, whenever you set your expectations properly, it means that the results can only ever please you. If things don’t turn out the way you would hope, then you already thought they wouldn’t, and it really doesn’t make things any worse than they were before. However, if things go the way you had hoped for them to, even to a slight degree, then all the better. Not only are you satisfied that things happened the way you wanted, but you’re also enthralled because this occurrence has far surpassed your initial expectations. As silly as this all sounds, it really is a way that helps keep your outlook positive.

And, that comes in pretty handy because it means your commitment to whatever task you have set your mind towards accomplishing will be greater, as you aren’t worn down with the weight of heightened expectations. All in all, that makes things work in a much more cohesive fashion. Unfortunately, there are times when it’s next to impossible to follow these little life lessons. An active imagination has the ability to lead one astray. It can cause excitement, and excitement can lead to a loss of focus.

That means that things start to go awry, and one falls prey to the dangers of heightened expectations. In that sense, I suppose, one could say that it is a vicious circle. One’s excitement or heightened expectations fuels one’s actions leading to an inevitable outcome of disappointment. As such, it’s always better to try and remember that managing expectations takes more work at the start. But, that extra work is worth it because of the satisfaction one receives when the plan actually surpasses the desired outcomes.

I mention this frame of mind because it’s the sort of thing that my grandparents used to talk about. Sure, we live in a fast paced world today. All the knowledge of the world can be accessed from the palm of our hand with a smartphone. Yet, somehow, the little chunks of wisdom that came from the folk knowledge or from the common sayings of old is seemingly lost. Knowledge and access to information are better now, but the way in which we use it or retain it pales in comparison to the old ways. For me this speaks to another aspect about modern society that is lacking, in a way.

While we’re better to people, more accepting, tolerant, and understanding; we’re also less self-sufficient. We’re just not as independent as we once were. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule. Yet, it is an observation I simply cannot escape. I find myself feeling as though I’m not quite as independent as my grandparents.

At the age I am now, I don’t believe I have accomplished as much as they did. They may not have had as many accolades, or accomplishments on paper. But, I haven’t had the same type of disruptions along the way that they did. There hasn’t been an earth-shattering calamity the scope and size as the Second World War, with which I have had to contend. The war was still raging when my mother was born, and she was two years-old when she met her father for the first time.

I am at the same level of legal practice that my grandfather was after the war, but I wonder if it has the same meaning or value. Certainly, I haven’t married or started my own family yet. I’m interested in accomplishing those things, but I feel that I want things to be a bit more established before I commit to that. And, in that sense, I think I’m probably more cautious than my predecessors were. Somehow, I have a feeling that this is something that every generation has to go through.

Expectations and the way we manage them can determine how much satisfaction we find in our lifetimes. All of us want things to be easier for future generations. At the same time, we also want to make sure that our own existence had value and meaning. I know that I hope future generations will remember me to a degree, and that my legacy will be a positive and good one. It’s all a part of what makes the journey of life so interesting.

None of our experiences are completely the same. Yet, there’s enough similarity that we can empathize with one another through our shared stories and interactions. This is why our hobbies draw us closer together, and it’s one of the major reasons why we choose to interact with each other. In so doing, we’re doing our small part to add to the human condition. It allows us to be a source of inspiration for the up-and-coming generations.

They can emulate the things we got right, while also learning to avoid the mistakes we have made. This is just one of those things that crosses my mind from time to time. It tends to happen when I’m reflecting upon things I have done over the years. Milestones show us how far we have come, but they also remind us of just how far we have still to go. The main thing we can control is our reaction to that fact. As for me, I choose to accept it for what it is, and always keep my expectations framed properly, so that I continue striving for self-improvement. It’s really the only way I know how to be, and I would rather continue striving for better things as we have all seen things that are bad or negative, and have seen them more often than not. The world needs a bit of positivity while continuing to accept that which is dark and negative. It’s the whole spectrum of experience which ultimately matters in the end.​

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

Experience, and What it's Worth​

I have never been one of those people who believes that he is somehow magically better than anyone else in the world. Sure, there have been moments when I have flirted with the idea of somehow being superior to one or another, but such thoughts are rapidly dispelled from me. If I was somehow magically superior than anyone else in this world, then I wouldn't be in the position I'm in now. Most of what I have has come to me through a rigorous process of trial and error. I've had to learn how to improve myself because, in point of fact, I'm the furthest thing one could possibly be from the illusory ideal of “perfect”.

Imperfection is what I find so endearing about the human condition. The only reason that we are able to relate to one another is because we recognize the shared humanity in our own shared struggles with this journey we call life. To be honest, I couldn't possibly bear the thought of living in a world where none of us had to struggle to forge our own identity. Such a place would be dreary and devoid of all relative meaning and purpose.

In fact, I'd be willing to go so far as to say that adversity is the wet-stone upon which the individual identity is sharpened. Our sense of self is forged in the daily hurdles and challenges we face. Indeed, a wise soul is one who figures this out for oneself in relatively short order. Because, the sooner one discovers this, the sooner one can kick back and actually find the shared beauty which is crafted from the incremental discoveries occurring all around us.

Now, I'm at a stage in my life where I have learned to appreciate this. Not everything has turned out the way that I hoped it would, but that doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me because I am contented with the fact that I am able to recognize the true beauty of what is unfurling in this world in which we live. It's a type of situational awareness that makes us a little more empathetic and understanding to the plight of others. And, yes, there's a lot of ugliness in this journey of life.

But, in point of fact, there has to be. For, without ugliness, how could we discover what is truly beautiful? It's a milestone upon which we gain a much wider and fuller understanding of our senses, as well as our perceptions thereof. My hope is that my words are actually capable of recording what I'm trying to say. This isn't to say I doubt the ability of my audience to parse out what I'm trying to say. Rather, it is a lapse in self-confidence towards my own ability to convey my thoughts. As my thoughts have become even more abstract―and therefore more difficult to convey not only to myself, but also to others. I fear that they lose their meaning along the way.

More than ever, I find that my outlook on what I'm hoping to achieve has changed. I'm no longer striving to be earth-shattering in my skills or abilities. In some ways, I'm not even trying to be that unique. What I am trying to be is the purest and most honest representation of who and what I am. In other words, to be a source of hope and inspiration.

A lot of pain and loss was necessary for me to reach this state. And, part of me believes that this is one of the natural results of maturing. Perhaps Samuel Taylor Coleridge put it best in his poem "The Rime of the ancient Mariner": "He went like one that hath been stunned, And is of sense forlorn: A sadder and wiser man He rose the morrow morn."

We all want to be wiser. And, wisdom inevitably comes with experience. Yet, the simple purity of youth is the sacrifice that is made to reach such wisdom. It's almost like a monkey's paw in that sense. Are we truly willing to pay the price to gain the knowledge and wisdom we wished for in our fiery youth?

I honestly don't know the answer to that one. For each time I think I have discovered the answer, life clearly demonstrates that it is never clear-cut, dry, or simple. And, part of me thinks that we never will know during the course of our individual lives. Maybe it’s better that way.

It’s far to easy to pass judgment on others when we think we are in the right, or operate under the erroneous belief that we have discovered all of the answers. Arrogance of this nature is arguably one of the ugliest attributes of the human character. It’s a flaw that sticks out more than any other, and it is one that is rightly condemned. Nothing of value is easily obtained. For if it was easily obtained it would not hold value.

That’s the funny thing about the human condition. Anything which is perceived as easy is immediately taken for granted. This sort of approach to the world is short-sighted at best, and idiotic at worst. Despite that fact, it is an undeniable truth of the human condition. Again, I think the struggles that occur between perception and reality is what helps forge the human condition into being something which is not wholly ugly. Purity is an ideal, but true beauty is something that shines even with flaws and imperfections. In fact, more often than not, it is those very flaws and imperfections which makes said beauty stand out and shine with resplendent grandeur more than anything else.

But, as ever, it is experience that leads us to this logical conclusion. It’s not something that we innately know or understand. We have to go through the trials and tribulations of experience to discover such truths for ourselves. To my mind, this is why every good story is one that requires a journey. One must start from somewhere, in order to reach a point of greater knowledge and understanding of not only themselves, but also the world around them. And, so, our own unique and individual journeys continue.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

° Another Restless Night, yet I'm Contented °​

Another restless night awaits me. Ever since I was in law school, sleep has become a fleeting thing. Rarely to I obtain it, and when I do it is usually not of a very good quality. Part of the reason for this, I have deduced is that they trained us to worry about everything. There's a voice in the back of our minds that is constantly nitpicking every solitary detail of every solitary day. Day in and day out it's relentless chatter is there. It simply cannot allow us a moment of respite. We're constantly second guessing the decisions we have made. Did we consider all of the possible angles or arguments that might arise in a case? Has our client truly been represented to the best of our ability? It's maddening, but it is also something that, at least to a small degree, that you begin to grow accustomed to.

A restless mind is the sign of a good litigator, for that litigator is never comfortable. The moment you become comfortable is the moment that you're allowing the opposition to gain the upper hand. Law is adversarial, and the courtroom is our battlefield. Yet, more often than not, the battle is won or lost before any party sets foot in a courtroom. And, over the course of the past several decades, the aim of the legal field has been shifting away from an overtaxed docket, to attempting to resolve the dispute either by alternative dispute resolution (ADR), or finding some sort of a compromise. Even the area of compromise is one that is full of risks and dangers for litigators and their clients alike. Trickery and deception are, most unfortunately, an unavoidable craft of the trade. And, there's something phony in the air about a lot of it too.

Opposing counsel always puts on a good show. There's smiles, shaking hands, even the small chit chat. But, deep down there is the resentment that exists with any profession in which you are in a constant dispute. Yes, part of the battle is learning to disconnect from it after the day is over. But, true litigants never do fully disconnect from it. It's impossible to put it completely out of your mind. The one respite comes when there is a team working with you, and you're able to delegate some of the work to them. That alleviates some of the burden, but there will always be the pressure of your clients worrying about their case, and the fact that you are operating under the pressure of gaining beneficial results.

If ever there was something which I didn't anticipate my chosen career field would be like, it would be the constant nagging of the mind. I figured this is something that would gradually dissipate as I gained ever greater experience within the field. The intensity of it fades, but the discomfort never vanishes. This isn't entirely a bad thing. Truth be told, I think that the nervous edge of discomfort keeps my skills sharp. Mulling a case over and over again in my mind has prevented me from falling into some rather dangerous pitfalls that I have seen other litigants fall into. The last thing I would ever want to have happen is my client lose a case because of something I missed. Sure, there are some protections for me. I have malpractice insurance and things of that nature, but that's not the point. I pride myself on doing the absolute best work that I can do. Indeed, I push myself to excel, not for me, but for my client. If my client is displeased then I'm not doing my job right, and that's the last thing I want to ever be accused of doing. This is isn't out of a sense of hubris. I consider it part of the fiduciary duty that I owe to my clients. I'm a zealous advocate. That is what my company pays me to be.

Now, I do think it is safe to say that this mindset has paid off. I'm finally in a position where I'm actually making a meaningful difference for my client, and it is the most satisfying work I have ever done in my life. All the years of hell, struggling to reach this point have paid off. My diligence has paid off, and the sacrifices I made years ago have come to fruition. I can honestly say, with a straight face, that I am doing what I wanted to do. At the same time, I acknowledge that there is a cost associated with it. And, maybe I'm not the best at balancing the responsibility that comes with it, and the attention that certain aspects of my social life might need. However, I still have a social life, and when work doesn't feel so much like work as it does being something that I enjoy doing, and want to do, I can say that in that respect I'm a very lucky man. A little less sleep is a price I'm willing to pay to take satisfaction in my accomplishments.

These moments of reflection, I believe, help me gain a greater understanding of myself and the community within which I live. There are so many things that are changing for the better. And, sure, there are still things that need improvement, but life is an imperfect journey. To tell the truth, if we lived in a perfect world, it would be a terribly dull place to live. Beauty is shining in spite of our flaws and imperfections. All natural diamonds have impurities and imperfections. But, by being tumbled over and over again, their natural iridescent shine is brought to the surface, and they remind us how through adversity true beauty can be discovered. If ever you feel as though you have reached the bottom, and that the odds are simply too great to overcome, or you have a nagging sense that it just isn't worth it, that's the time to give it another push. Experience has taught me the invaluable lesson that it is the extra effort exerted in those very moments that make the reward of success all the more satisfying the day it arrives. The most important thing is simply never to give up. There is only one absolute involved with this, and that is if you do give up there is 100% chance that you won't succeed. So, when those feelings come, pause for a moment, regain your composure and continue to advance, one step at a time.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

Hurray for Printers.

I suppose that I have reached a point where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore. It can be really hard to give a flying fuck when every single little thing in the world is doing its utmost to remind me of just how negative and sour a place the world can be. But, when the world decides this is the best that it can do, the wise and healthy thing would be to think of ways to emotionally abuse people, but not pull through with that because I'm just not quite that evil, or at least not yet.

Sometimes that's just the way of the world. You make some vast and elaborate plan for things to work out right, but as always there's a small snag that makes the plans go up in smoke. However, you dare not just say, "ah, fuck it," for the moment you do, all hell breaks loose. I know I'm in the field of law, and that I am supposed to enjoy and heed to laws and legal principles. That aside, Murphy, the progenitor of Murphy's Law can get fucked sideways three times over to next Sunday, and maybe get a reach around at the end, just for good measure. Then again, the bastard doesn't deserve as much credit as he gets for merely stepping forward to point out some fundamental fuck up of the human condition.

For whatever reason, misery enjoys company, and misery holds more parties than the vast majority of the people in my social circle. So, joy and celebrations for that front. Bitching aside, I did manage to get a fair amount accomplished today. And, that must necessarily be considered a good thing. I just hate that my printer decided that blowing up in the middle of printing triplicate of a major governmental contract was a fantastic idea. When it comes to equipment and machinery in this world I hate tires and printers.

That delightful asshole Murphy decided that he would hitch his Law to those two things in my life more than anything else. If I can't count on anything throwing a dent in my day it will either be a flat tire or a printer taking a page out of Ole' Jeff Epstein's book. I laugh about it on the surface, but inside my veins my blood cells play bumper cars to get my pressure elevated...which I don't need any help with thanks to magic of genetics. Still, I'm more controlled than the former District Attorney was. He threw a printer out the window. I don't believe I have managed to quite reach that level of artistry. Nor, in fact, do I think I much want to try to do so either.

But, now the printer seems to be working again, so I can relax. Since it is spring, I can enjoy all of the trees attempting to kill me with the residue of their degenerate love making. It feels like I'm breathing in plumes of toxic gas or some other dark and wonderful chemical concoction of death and misery. It's been anything but fun. Oh well, at least the board meeting got canceled. That means the day will be wrapping up just a wee bit earlier for me. Then maybe I can sacrifice my printer to Lucifer for a major discount on binder clips. As always, I'm looking at the silver lining in things.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

Importance of the Audience ​

I get so irritated with myself at times that I forget the whole point and purpose of what it is I'm trying to accomplish. This is something with which I have struggled throughout my entire life, but as of late it seems to be much worse than ever before. Part of the problem stems from the fact that, since law school at least, I tend to over think things. My mind is awash with constant near incessant activity. And, as such, it can be next to impossible for me to formulate my thoughts in a clear, concise, and organized manner. That, in turn, makes it next to impossible for me to connect with my audience.

Thus, over the years, I have devised coping mechanisms which I believed would bring me closer to my audience. In some ways it has indeed made my writing flow better, and to appear in a more coherent way. However, at the same time, it has drained the essential human element out of it. Namely, passion. If writing lacks passion then it lacks its human element and becomes basically meaningless. Meaningless writing is exactly that, it lacks purpose, flow, direction, but above all else, it lacks power. If the standard function and purpose of writing is to record details of ordinary to mundane human transactions then it can be said that the purpose of creative writing is to record the extraordinary. It is the role of creative writing to make us relate to one another on a raw, guttural, and base level.

Creative writing is the artistic form of written communication. Like storytelling is the oral tradition of art, poetry and prose are the written tradition of the same. They are all looking to achieve a central and overarching objective, and that is recording exactly what it means to be human. To detail, in breath-taking and painstaking accuracy, what it is to feel pain, pleasure, joy, anger, fear, and sadness. Love can be recorded in clinical, dull, and scientific fashion. But, through creative writing it comes to life. Words are recorded in such a way that it draws us from the shell of seclusion and drops us into the world of experience. Humans are able to vicariously experience the deeds and adventures of others through imagination and empathy.

This is why writing, and in a more literal sense, the press are so valuable and important. There is true power in the written word. We have all heard the cliché "the pen is mightier than the sword". In its simplest and most basic meaning this adage means that a sword can only be wielded by a single user. The pen can strike more impact to more people because of the universality of common human expression and experience. It is the word smith that the tyrant fears most. It is the author who can bring an end to the despot's regime.

These words almost seem quaint as I pen them. Why does this matter now? Who really cares about the power or impact of creative writing or the written word in general? Truth be told, we all do. Any human being with cognitive ability cares. And, they care because this is the most basic of all human transactions and interactions. If knowledge is power, then the written word is its currency because it is through writing that the exchange of ideas occurs. Ignorance is toppled by bridging the unknown, and our compass is the written word.

The written word will outlive us all. Long after we are dead and gone, the power of writing will prevail. Long dead generations reach through the sands of time and touch us today, as of they were alive and standing next to us. Again, this stems from the power and the lasting impact of the written word. Our very understanding of humanity itself flows through the leaves of books. Every marked letter upon a page is a stroke of the essence of humanity. Written works are the tome of all human knowledge.

Yes, this can all seem vague and abstract. It can appear as remote and disconnected from the initial emotion of frustration I have with my own ability to connect with an audience, but said appearances are deceiving. For, upon a closer examination of it all, they are connected. My frustrations aren't just aimed at an inability to connect with a particular audience, but with humanity in general. And, truth be told, I have connected with humanity, and my frustrations are an extension of the very power that creative writing wields. Anyone reading this knows the emotion I'm conveying. They know it because they have felt it for themselves. But, even more, they understand it because the words on the page have caused them to recall having felt this very emotion themselves. Therein lies the power of the written word. A single sentence of text can bridge the gap of time and space like nothing else. This is why I dedicate time and energy to figuring out better ways to connect and communicate with my audience. I want to contribute to the font of human nature through the gift of the written word.

In this most basic form of contribution I am seeking to reach across the ages. To leave my little mark on humanity, hoping and praying that it leaves someone feeling inspired to add their contribution as well. While part of it is driven from the self-conscious and selfish ego, another part of it is driven from a sense of altruism and curiosity. Humans, for all their troublesome faults and failings do have the power and the ability to change this world, and to change it for the better. We can leave our conscious mark on the present, and subconsciously inspire future generations to take up the cause of building something better than what they have at the present. To my mind, that is the real power of human expression. We are more alike because of divergent and similar views. Our central curiosity and our nature itself draws us closer together than any political power, government ideology, or other artificial social edifice. It is the core element of humanity we share, and creative writing is the most natural example and expression of that core and essential human element. So, as ever, I continue to commit myself to improving my ability to connect to my audience. For, you are all more special than you might know.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

°Another Day in, Another Moment of Reflection°
​

Lately, I've been spending so much time thinking about where I am, and where it is that I want to be going, that I haven't figured out what has been preventing me from achieving the goals that I would like to achieve more than anything else. That's not to say that my mind hasn't turned to these thoughts. It has, and to an inordinate degree. Rather, it's to say that my mind has reached a point of confusion, disarray, and dissatisfaction. Even when I do achieve something, said something is never enough. There's always more I could have done. It is always better to strive to achieve even more than what one has managed to achieve. I get that this drive is a sign of my personality. It's those elements of my inner-most thoughts which ensure that I never grow stagnant in skill or ability. However, at the same time, it also ensures that I never truly achieve peace of mind. There's always something which is nagging at the back of my mind, picking at me, tormenting me with its relentless cry of dissatisfaction and disappointment with how things have turned out. Perhaps it's like focusing on regrets of the past, knowing full well that there's nothing that can be done about said regrets. It's needless expending of energy, attempting to achieve an impossible result.

All of that is possible. It could be one of any of those above-referenced things. But, something tells me it goes deeper than that. It's something within the confines of my own mind, pushing me to grapple with things that bother me about myself, if that makes sense. In some ways, I'd describe it as having an internal editor who can never be satisfied with the work product that is placed before them. Yet, at the same time, the editor's criticisms and instructions are vague and ambiguous. They don't provide you with the sort of guidance you need to achieve the sort of self-improvement that would assist you in overcoming whatever hurdle it is that stands between you and ultimate satisfaction. It's a nuisance which seems to gain strength with each and every passing day. Yet, the funny thing is, I refuse to allow this dissatisfaction to draw me to the point of quitting. I know that with the rising of the sun, I'll throw myself at it again, with equal vigor to the past day. There is no point in ever giving up. At least, continuing to throw myself at any particular endeavor means that there is some progress, some chance of achieving the goal of satisfaction. To my mind, that slim chance of satisfaction is ten times better than ensuring that failure is achieved. Giving up or allowing defeat to set in is admitting that there is no hope on satisfaction. Maybe it's my ego that forces me on, despite knowing that I grow tired, but I simply cannot stand the thought of throwing in the towel and raising a white flag. I don't wish to parley with the nagging thoughts of dissatisfaction. I wish to defeat them, no matter what the cost might be. To prove to myself that I do have the courage and strength to achieve whatever goals I have set for myself.

This really is the only way I know how to be. I don't know how to give up, because I was instilled with the thought that the moment one gives up on their purpose, that's the moment one gives up on life itself. Maybe my upbringing can shed some light on this. Both of my parents were plastic and reconstructive surgeons. They never gave up on anything. Even when it came to mom's passing, her fight for life was near endless. They just wouldn't give up. That sort of drive was instilled in me at a young age. Giving up really would ensure the death of something. In my line of work, giving up means that I would ensure that my client's would lose their livelihood, their own dreams and all they have worked to achieve. I cannot allow that for a client, any more than I could allow it for myself. I assume that duty unto myself, as it is the only way to ensure that the future has a fighting chance to be a decent one. But, I'll freely admit that there are times when I openly wonder whether this is the best approach to ensure that I achieve what is necessary to secure that future. Maybe I've dedicated too much time to the adversarial arena that is what makes up the vast majority of my life. Yet, each and every time I engage in this conversation of self-reflection, I'm drawn back to the times when I was told that I didn't have the intelligence to make something of myself. That was a stupid and awkward child...that fire of competition just reignites itself and pushes me forwards. Those voices of negativity, which never came from my family, and the stinging pain that arose from them were motivational in ways that positivity, in and of itself, is simply unable to be.

For me, competition isn't about the opposition. I don't compete with other people. Rather, competition has always been about besting myself. I compete solely with myself. And, in so choosing myself as the ultimate competitor, it means that I naturally will never be satisfied. I cannot rest because I must always strive to be better than what I was in the past. That is the driving force that pushes me forward each and every day. Admitting failure is not that I failed, in and of itself. Rather, it's having to look at myself in the mirror, each and every day, and saying, "look dumbass, you fucking failed." I refuse to live that way. I won't give in and allow that to become my fate. Firstly, I've given too much time and energy to this endeavor to give up like that. Secondly, I refuse to allow myself to slip and fall back to a less satisfactory state than I'm in at present. Sure, I've tasted failure before. Looking back at the earliest pages of this journal, I'm reminded of how bitter the fruit of that first failure was. And, I recall the same zeal and resolve I mustered to throw myself back into the game, to keep striving for success. That's how I managed to make that first step. It's been a struggle every day since, but I also see how far I've come. This journey is far from over, and I'll never be where I want to be. Yet, I'm much further along than I could have imagined nine years ago. I'm doing things that I only dreamed about a decade ago. And, if for no other reason, that is what makes all the trials and tribulations worth it. To be able to pause and say, "So the fuck what! Look what you have done!" That is exhilarating beyond description. That can drive one to keep striving against the odds day in and day out.

If ever I come across as being too intense, it is for this reason. I have to have this drive. If I don't, then the order I have constructed for myself begins to grind itself down to dust. And, that's something that I simply cannot allow to happen. When I was in orientation for law school, they kept saying that law school is a marathon. They're right, it is. What they didn't elaborate upon is the fact that life itself is a marathon. In order to taste the sweetest fruits of success and to achieve the wildest desires that our minds can formulate, we have to take the steps of mundane drudgery along the way. It is built upon a foundation that was formulated through all of the pain and heartache that pushed us through. In part, it is embracing those elements that allow us to keep reaching for the stars. Dreams and expectations are the rewards that will be actualized at each milestone of the journey. That doesn't mean that they will always materialize the way we expect them to, or even upon the timeline in which we expect them to arrive. However, it does mean that in some form or fashion, they will arrive, and that at some point everyone can look back on what has transpired and see that a lot of ground has been traversed in the interim. If there can be said that there is a point to life, the point of it is life itself. Experiencing these things, and doing our part to ensure that others are best equipped to experience their full potential as well. Success is never a guarantee. Satisfaction and happiness are never guaranteed. There will be fleeting moments of both, but they are not sustainable as a permanent state of being.

The ultimate measure should be contentment. If the journey were to come to a swift, unexpected, and immediate end right here and right now, would we be able to confidently sit back and say, "While I didn't achieve all that I wanted, I can say I did the best I could, and achieved as much as I could." If that is the case, and one can say that with a straight face, and not even have a moment's pause or hesitation, then one can say they are contented. Of all of life's lessons, I think that is the most difficult one to attain. While I can say that I understand it on an intellectual level, the emotional level hasn't fully matured. Indeed, part of me has reached the conclusion that the emotional aspect of it will never mature. Life is too fleeting for it to do so. Irrespective of how much work we put into seeing the big picture, there will always be moments when the here and now overtake the image. At the same time, it's important to be able to live in the present to ensure that not everything is deferred to a point that there is no longer time or room enough left to achieve them. So, as ever, it is a delicate balancing act. Part of me is certain that the recipe of finding the perfect balance is another one of those things that will never mature either. Nonetheless, the same drive that has been with me the entire time won't allow me to rest on my laurels with respect to that attribute either. There's too much at stake to simply throw it out to chance, and thing that there is no point in purpose in striving to reach for a greater level of self-improvement.

In being able to accept this for myself, I have a feeling that I can be contended in where I am now. Yes, there are plenty of milestones which I haven't achieved yet, and ones that I think are both necessary and proper for reaching what I would consider to be a fulfilled life. Nonetheless, given the challenges I have faced, and the journey I have had thus far, I cannot say that I have wasted my life. The chances and opportunities which were afforded to me I have done my best to expand to their fullest potential. Again, this is the only way I know how to be, and I cannot rightly say that it is a bad way of being. It might make me insensitive at times. But, honestly, who isn't a bit insensitive in life from time to time? I think all of us are to a degree. We have to be. It's a matter of self preservation. As ever, it's attempting to manage as good of a balance as we can which will ultimately make the difference. My glaring flaws are open and obvious for all to see. They are there like a festering wound, but I know that I have lived. I have felt the sting and pain of loneliness. I have known love and loss. And, yes, I have made a difference in peoples lives. If I achieve nothing else in life, then I can at least say I achieved that, and there is no fault in feeling that way. Sure, maintaining this perspective can be difficult, but it is the one I would present to the annals of history for judgment. My nature is imperfect, my intentions flawed but pure, and if that isn't good enough then nothing will ever be.

So, I’ll take what I can get where I can get it. And, I’ll let the chips fall where they may. That is the way to live life, as far as I can tell. Providence knows that I don’t know enough to prescribe this as a working recipe for anyone else. Life, by its very nature, must be something which is experienced on an individual level. What works for me is bound and certain to not work for someone else. That aside, what lessons I have learned might be useful in assisting others towards finding what would work for them. And, for that reason, I feel that it is a good thing to chart these words down and leave them bare for the world to see. Make of them what you will.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

I decided today to delve back into my musical hobby―which I haven't really been into since mom passed―by composing a piece.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

I suppose that at one point in time there was something more to be said about the current situation we face. Look, I've never been one who has claimed to know everything, or to have all the fucking answers. In all my life, I've never known a true miracle worker, and based on how rapidly this world is going to hell and back, that's exactly the sort of thing we're going to need. No, at this point, it really doesn't make much sense to keep harping on about what the world is seeing or doing. Each day is another day lost, each second is just one second closer to death. This is how a pessimist looks at the God-damned world, and there is nothing we can say or do that is going to change that fact. Or, at least, that's the way I felt about things for the longest time. Now, however, I don't know that I can necessarily say that this is how I feel about the world. There's too much I enjoy doing to think that it is all some irrelevant waste of time. Besides, who in God's name gave me the right to make such bold and sweeping proclamations about the sate of the world and all that's in it. No one, that's who. One can seem like they are out to slash out at the world, lashing out at every bitter ember they have encountered in their day-to-day turmoil. But, at the end of the day, what good is that? What value does that add to what we're hoping to achieve. Again, I have a feeling that the answer is nothing. A long, robust, endless strain and stream of nothing. That can't be an encouraging message for me to convey, yet it's the very same message I have provided to the world time and again. Like I said at the inception of it all, I've never known a miracle worker.

At the end of the day, what I believe this all comes down to is a willingness on the individual's part to cast aside the fears and consternation they have, to embrace a riskier side of life. Fear and timidity hold far too many people back. It paralyzes them, thereby rendering them useless in a time when they are called upon to act. In a sense, that is the real kiss of death people face in the world. Success isn't measured, per se, by hard someone works. Rarely ever is it that. To my mind, what it has always come down to is that willingness to act in a split second. Nothing is more terrifying than knowing your decision can spell the difference between absolute success for someone else, or the utter ruination of everything they have ever worked towards building. Is that power? I suppose some might consider it power. To me, it's all in a day's work. It's emotionally draining and can leave me wafting from thought to thought. However, when the moment calls for it, and the iron is hot, I don't hesitate to do my part. Perhaps there is some adrenaline that flows from it and leads me to enjoy what I do in my work. Perhaps it's something that's even simpler than that. I just enjoy seeing a task come to a logical and successful conclusion. Yet, I don't think that's really it. For there is something deeper to it. Something hypnotic, for want of a better term. If there wasn't something validating about the whole fucking thing, then I doubt I'd be willing to keep throwing myself at the task as I do. Reaching heights that I have, in as short a period of time as I have makes it all hard to believe. And, yes, there are days when it feels ephemeral, less than tangible or real. But, deep down, I know that it is.

It's that I'm walking a path I knew I could reach, but all too often it felt like it was always going to be just out of reach. Again, I know I have said it within the leaves of this journal, over and over again―to the point of it reaching ad nauseam―but, the greatest bit of advice I could ever give anyone is to never give up. Always strive to improve. If you're in a line of work that is, by its very nature, adversarial, aim to compete with yourself. For, the moment you compete with others, is the very moment that you're no longer aiming for self-improvement. In that sense, it's like my mentor told me about advocating for a client. "The moment you're not nervous about your representation, or what it is you're doing, that's the moment you need to quit, as you're not doing anybody a damn bit of good." I think he's right. It's certainly always been that way. I've never seen or known it to be different. Yet, it is the very essence of what gives me the drive, strength, and courage of conviction to keep pushing myself past what I once thought was my limit. Yet, like with anything of this nature, it's important to pace yourself as well. Burn out is a real threat, and it can be just as devastating as being ill-prepared. Perhaps, even more so. Self-awareness is part of the balance as well. All of these elements work together. It's as though this line of work is a recipe. Finding the perfect balance of ingredients is at least two-thirds of the battle.

That's about the best I can do when it comes to explaining what I'm feeling at the moment, about the day-to-day tasks I encounter. It's a test of endurance. But, for what it's worth, all of life is that. Keeping things in proper perspective will help give you the ability to overcome any singular challenge that arises in the path before you. No response or approach is perfect. That said, there is only one guaranteed path to failure...and that's failing to even try. So, keep on giving it all you've got, and make sure you're doing it to compete with yourself. Do that, and all the rest will start to fall into place.​

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

Another Chapter Closes​

Well, I have just received word that my maternal uncle has passed away. This is a bit of a bitter/sweet moment for me. No, I don't like the fact that he has passed. That aside, he had been afflicted with early-onset Alzheimer's disease, which had progressed and advanced to the point that he no longer knew who he was, and he was resisting treatment for a broken hip that occurred last year. Indeed, he was unaware when his own wife passed away a little over a year ago. So, yes, it comes as a bit of a relief that he is no longer suffering. Still, it feels awful that the last living link to my mother's direct family has come to a close. Little by little the links in the chain that made things in this world familiar to me are breaking. Of course, this is natural. As we age, we see these things occur, and indeed, occur at an ever greater pace. Still, that doesn't make acceptance of that fact any easier.

He had just had his 74th birthday about a week ago. So, it's all very raw and real. Since Mom passed away back in 2017, the familiar aspects of life--at least as I had known it as a child--have rapidly started to fade. with this occurrence, another chapter has been entered into the book of my life. I feel that much older now. Somehow, the chapters come faster and harder than ever before. Reminders of the finite nature and quality of life are always there, repeating themselves over and over again. But, I'm not as haunted by it as I once was. Sure, I'm having to face the fact that there are things I haven't accomplished at this stage in my life which I so desperately wished I had, but I'm also quite contented with the man I am today. I accept my multitude of flaws and merely feel relieved that I have had a chance to live the life that I have. All in all, I feel that I have fulfilled much of what I wished to, and that I can be proud of the achievements which I have managed to accomplish. That, in and of itself, makes me feel as if I'm extremely fortunate and lucky.

Life is funny that way. The more I experience it, the more I find that the bitter sweet moments are the ones which have the most to offer. They offer introspection and reflection unlike anything else. So, in a way, I've learned to view these things as part of the pigment of life. Those little elements which add flavor and color to it. By keeping an open mind to that, I've found that it's easier to pick up on the little ques that make life fascinating. A sort of situational awareness, if you will. That too, can speak volumes about the things that truly matter in this world.

Nonetheless, I still feel the pangs of mourning. The unavoidable pangs of loss which lap upon the edge of my subconscious like the rolling tide at dawn. Little by little it works its path eroding that much more of my essence and being. Still, I accept it for what it is. There's no changing the phases of life. Loved ones come and go. As long as I maintain a pure picture of what was once there, and what it meant to me then I can always say it was real and there. What's more, now that I have a nephew, I'm doing my best to leave good memories for him, so that when the time comes, and I have crossed the void to whatever it is that is or isn't after this life, I can at least know that I have helped make the next generation that much stronger. It is far better to live our lives in a meaningful fashion than to pine for the lost. For, through our memories, as long as we live, they are not lost.

I'll most likely be headed to California in the near future to settle out the estate, and ensure that the probate process goes according to his will. I was made the executor of his will after my mother passed away. Of all the tasks I have done in my time as a licensed attorney, probating the wills of passed loved ones is the most hated task. I know that I'm fulfilling their final will and desire, but it is the permanence of it that makes it so detestable. It's as though I'm the one who is closing the final chapter on their life, and that is not something I have ever desired to have. Yet, it is a task I accepted, and it is one that I shall see through. I've already let the company know that I'm going to have to have some time to settle these matters and wind things down. That too, is a strange feeling. Somehow, however, I feel that it is good and healthy that I'm able to put pen to paper and record my thoughts regarding this. It's yet another reflection of who I am, and who I am still becoming. I can't think that it is a bad thing to be able to do such things.

I suppose that I shall feel a little better once I have managed to put this behind me. The thought of traveling to California, particularly during this pandemic is not something that utterly excites me. Yet, when things calm down, and the numbness I'm feeling at present fades, I will take the time to properly mourn his passing. Everything has to be taken in phases. One step at a time. So, I do bid my uncle farewell. I celebrate the good times we had, and the impact he made on this world. And, I'll strive to continue being the sort of person he envisioned I would be. To my mind, that's got to count for something. Or, at least, it is what I shall tell myself to keep my inner strength up through the challenging times which lie ahead. ​

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

I decided to do something, this evening, which I haven't done in a long while. I put on Schubert's Complete Piano Impromptus and simply allowed my mind to unwind and relax. All this week, I have been working to finalize and probate my late uncle's will. As you might imagine, this isn't exactly the most endearing or welcomed task for me. It's been bitter sweet, to say the least, and traveling between California and my home state of Texas is not that enjoyable either. It is made a bit easier by the fact that work has had me traveling between the two states anyways. Still, I needed a moment's respite from the weight of it all and to succor my soul in a way that I don't think I've done in nearly five years.

During the time I was a student, music was a channel to my inner voice. I've always been touched by and an ardent admirer of music. Indeed, composing, listening to, or even performing music has always been a form of catharsis for me. It's a way my mother and I had bonded, and it had always served as a muse and source of inspiration for me whenever I decided to delve into any sort of creative endeavor. As the somber, poetic, and mystifying tones flowed from the Steinway concert grand, an epiphany fell upon me.

I haven't allowed myself a chance to communicate with this side of me, much less express it, for far too long. Instead of focusing on the words that I'm putting down on the page, or the structure of an idea that I wish to convey, I felt compelled to just allow my fingers to glide across the keyboard as I typed, thereby freeing my inner stream of consciousness to flow onto the page, as once it did so often. It's amazing how the words just come to my mind and my fingers dutifully put them on the page as a painter would apply the strokes of paint unto the canvas before them.

This isn't to say that my other form of writing or expressing myself is any less valid. Rather, it's that it lacked the creative free-form and lack of restraints that this style of writing avails to me. So, perhaps, in that sense I had been alienating the voice that is me, my true inner narrator. Well, tonight I'm allowing that bewildered soul to have his day. To express whatever emotion comes to mind, whether it be grandiose, pathetic, or mesmerizing. Indeed, I'll let all feelings come forth, for I have been so numb during the reflection process of what it is I have lost in first the passing of my mother, and now--some five years later--her brother.

My Uncle was the last direct connection to my mother's family--aside from my sister and myself--and now that he has passed on, I feel as though a significant part of what connected me to all that was stable, known, and comforting has flown from this earth. In its stead I am left saddened, but also distant. It's one of the most dichotomous feelings I have ever encountered in my life.

Something about it all just seems to beggar belief, leaning my mind in a state of lethargic entropy. Certain tasks are just almost too dreadful to face. It's not that I fear them, or that I'm even resentful for having to complete them. Rather, I just feel as though I have lost a part of myself, my essence, my being. It's not really the case, of course, that any of me is gone, or that I'm in the risk of losing myself to despair. After all, I have contended with loss like this before.

Instead, I think what it is that has left me feeling somewhat unsettled during this process is the realization of just how fragile mortality is. In the overarching scheme of things, a life span is a mere blink of the eye. We're born, we grow up, and inevitably we fade away. It's the process of nature, but the stark concreteness of it when facing the final closure of your maternal line is something that is so complete and final in its happening, that its reality is made all too clear. There's no sugarcoating the fact that one of the last living connections to the soul who brought me into being has been shattered forever.

If we were tethered to this world by a chain, then half the links of mine have been released into oblivion. Yet, the odd thing is, at the same time I realize that I'm still anchored in spite of the fact that they are gone. Despite the sorrow and melancholy which follows this sort of event, I already know that life shall move on, and that I shall persevere. The tangible connection may only be ethereal now. That said, it is still real, nonetheless.

Reading through the will, preparing it for it's final presentation before the court, and facing the task of bringing his last wishes to fruition, I have a renewed sense of just how precious life is. Serving in the capacity as the executor of his estate, I have assumed the mantel of a conduit to the essence he sought to leave behind, and by connection, to what my mother wished. The fact that I was entrusted with this role is also illuminating to me.

I was seen as the most able to understand and ensure that the estate would be wound down in a way most suitable to his last desires. In other words, the inherent trust that my uncle placed within me is something that humbles me in ways that I know not how to put into words. Just as our parents, aunts, and uncles always see us as the children they had known and influenced, in moments like these, my default view is always that of the younger one looking up to them. Now, I'm in the position of responsibility and influence. It's both satisfying and unsettling at the same time. For, I can no longer be the care-free youth I once was.

As ever, the weight of responsibility descends upon me, and I accept it as I must. Stoicism, if ever I could think of a way to most aptly define it. The sensation that courses through me, at the moment of drafting this, would be the perfect definition for it. I hold no resentment to this fact. There is no anger within me, no hostility. The only regret is that there wasn't more time for me to spend with him, much as I hold that same sentiment for my late mother.

Seeing as we never know when our time will come, or at least the exact moment when it will, it's so important to try and live life as much as we can. I'm going to use my uncle's inheritance to start a charity. I've already cleared it with the trust, and will be having a meeting at the start of the month with the board of directors. Since my uncle worked for an aerospace defense company, as much the same as I do...I wanted to establish a charity that seeks to assist the dependents of fallen veterans.

It seems only right that I help the same sort of people my uncle volunteered his time to help when he was alive. There is much work to be done on this, and I'm not even sure how the structure will develop yet. My goal is to ensure that the charity can grow with time, and can therefore continue providing aid and assistance to those who need it for many years to come. In so doing, I hope to secure the legacy of my uncle and my mother. The comfort they provided me in their lives should rightly be given to others, even if only in spirit. We shall see where the road leads from here, but I feel that it is a good thing that has come from this.

And, as the music flows to its final ensemble, I draw this piece to an end with this final thought. Schubert's music continues to provide a sense of succor well after his passing. Troubled though his life was, the joy he sought to leave the world is a well-deserved legacy. My hope is that the charity that is in the works now can perform in much the same way so that those whom feel they are without hope, at this time, might be given solace and strength. It is a small gesture, but the biggest accomplishments always start off as a small gesture. ​

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

So, here we finally are, the start of a new year. Things have been crazy since the close of the last year. No small part of which was being visited the day after Christmas by one particular ghost I'd rather not have appear unto me. Namely, the ghost of fucking influenza. That sniveling little rat bastard sneaked right past the window seal and decided to make the last approximate week or so a living hell. The good news is that it wasn't his viral cousin of another name. I guess there's always reason to send up a shout of good cheer for the silver lining. Or, at least, that's what my delusional thoughts are telling me at the moment. Still, it's nice to have another chapter in the books. Hopefully this year will be one of good promise and prosperity for all.

Things with the company are going quite well. We got our Oklahoma assembly plant online, which means that we managed to secure the jobs for the employees for another quarter. The government took notice of this too, since my taxes went up. I won't complain on that end. Just glad that people are able to get to work, and that we're doing our little part to revitalize the community. Honestly, I never once thought that I would become one of those boring sorts of people who would count work achievements as a measure of something exciting, or worthy of shouting from the God-damned rooftops, but here I am.

Such is the infernal journey of life, and well, at least one part of it is going in stereotypical fashion for me. And, for that I'll complain none too much...but probably too much for most, which is just the way I like it. I finally got my car repaired after someone decided that it would be cute to steal my catalytic converter. Apparently those things are a hot item with thieves because their inner core contains a honey comb of platinum and various other precious metals. So, maybe I'll start buying fucking catalytic converters instead of jewelry when it comes to wooing the ladies. That sounds like a guaranteed path to failure.

At least I can say that I have kept my sense of humor over the topic. The repairman was nice and got the work done a few days before Christmas. That was fortunate as I still had a fair amount of gift shopping and running around to do, and the last thing I wanted to do was disturb every decent soul. I can hear it now (as I'm no longer deaf), "'Twas the night before Christmas and no creature was stirring for my God-damn car sounds like a fucking tractor from hell that could scare even Krampus away from Noel." Or some other desperately stupid diddy that should never have seen the light of day.

So, yes, I would count that among the many blessing which have already stacked up in such a way as to rot teeth and give everyone diabetes, because that's what life really should be about. I guess I really do have my moments! Anyhow, the cold weather finally started to arrive to remind me that December was unseasonably warm. It dropped to below freezing from somewhere near spring-time room-temperature in a manner of a couple of hours. Of course, still having a spot of the flu when that happened made that all the more fun. Oh well, I guess not everything can be a spot of sunshine and lollipops.

Either way, I have a nice bowl of chili fresh from the stove, a spot of tea just in case the flu virus decides to reappear, and am getting ready for another cold evening at home. I would light the fireplace, but the potted plants would take offense as they're too damn close to it. Honestly, I don't even know why I have plants. The only way they repay me for my time and dedication is by dying. Personally, I think it's a little rude of them, the ungrateful little shits. But, I digress. Last year is history, and so this new year begins, I'll stay as cheerful as one can given the present weather conditions. Happy New Years to you all.​

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

So, I had a discussion with the CEO today, and it was decided that I shall go ahead and pursue my license in a second state. This sounds so good that I've decided to open a bottle of Bourbon so I don't have to think about it right now. I mean, yes, it's a mixed blessing. Being able to have jurisdiction between two major states where the company does business (Texas and Oklahoma) is fantastic. It's just the thought of having to apply for all of the shit that is necessary to make this crap work. It's like I've rewound the clock a decade, and am back to being a student again. There was something nice about being young and fresh, maybe even optimistic...Unfortunately, those days are long behind me.

I'm as cynical as ever. It was funny, the receptionist looked up at me when I walked in today and smiled followed by saying, "I heard you agreed to the second licensure, is it okay if I take my vacation today?" I just shrugged. Which she laughed at, and at me. Honestly, if I didn't love what I'm doing I'd say screw it and walk out the door. (I'm a joy at all your parties, make sure to invite me!) Yet, that's not the way I am. Actually, thinking back to the receptionist, the worst part was she tried to bribe me with a God-damned doughnut! They are sneaky, they learn your weaknesses!

Yet, in Oklahoma there is good news, we cleared some major hurdles for a big building project for some of the machining equipment. The CEO stepped in my office and asked if I wanted to attend the meeting with DOD. I shook my head, but he grinned. "Too bad! the Air Force CAG is here, and wants to talk to you." Which could only mean one thing, they are getting a little irritated with the contracts I wrote this last batch. Again, a sign that I'm doing my job right, but the last thing I wanted to do was have lunch with the CAG . Pilots I don't mind. Mindless government bureaucrats, well we are both in the running on who can be the worst drain on the taxpayer, and all the while pretend like we add something of value. (I sort of do, we help keep old equipment up to date so we don't have to spend more money. Or, well, usually we don't have to. I mean the group is nice, but we butt heads all day. I never dreamed I would say this, but there are times I miss being a small town criminal defense attorney without a clue as to what he was doing. ( I still don't have a clue as to what I'm doing, but I have enough years under my belt now that I can pretend.)

Then, my printer decided to blow up when I got back from the banquet―if that boring display could even be called a "banquet." That said, I did manage to get some of the homeless veterans we wanted to get hired, hired. I'm a prickly asshole for sure, but maybe not without a conscience. Or, at least not without one when I don't want to be without one. Either way, I'll be back with everyone in short order. But, as for the moment, I'm going to drink another batch of booze while filling out license applications...because that seems entirely intelligent at this point. Or not, or who cares? It's one of these options. There is another thing I muse about too. In the early days, when I was a court appointed criminal defense attorney I usually had clients tell me, "FUCK OFF! YOU DON'T WANT TO HELP ME!" (If I recall right this was the man who stole 18 stop-signs while being filmed by a police patrol vehicle.) I feel the thing that makes me sort of loathe myself more than anything is that he got probation from my efforts, I think. I could be wrong, that story is somewhere in this journal some ten-thousand years-ago.

If there's a lesson I could take from this rant--or, indeed, any other rant I've placed within the four corners of this old thing--it's that success is amazing, but it never comes in quite the way you expect. Furthermore, if you're in a high pressure field, learn to mix humor with anger, and always be willing to laugh at yourself. It does make things work better, and most people appreciate the fact that you can laugh at yourself, which then means you can laugh at them. (There is an added bonus to that!) Yet, on the serious note, never give up on your dreams. You can achieve them. Yet, always be flexible enough to answer the call of your dreams when they come. While I am able to laugh at myself, it's only because I've accepted that a dream job or career is never quite what it appears to be, or what I thought it would be. Yet, isn't that part of what makes this all an adventure? Now, I'm going to stop talking before AARP starts thinking I'm advanced enough to be considered for an early retirement, and/or dirt-nap.

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

I'm looking at one month to the point where it is six years, since my mother passed away. I was hoping that there would be some sort of easy answer as to how one should respond, or ought should respond to this. However, the older I get there is no easy answer.

One remains as large a fool as the moment their parent passes to the moment it has happened some half decade plus since it has happened. The main difference is that we learn to pay attention to the suffering of others.

Heaven knows I'm not the most sensitive soul, but to those of you whom have lost, make no mistake about it, the strongest of us weep. We may not show it in public, but rest assured we feel the loss of those figures whom have left us for whatever they do that for. There is no bitterness within me, I only hope mom has found the peace and acceptance she deserved on this world.

Now, that's as much humanity as one shall get from this Lawyer. It comes in small bursts, but screw that. Lol (In actuality, I do owe everything to those whom were patient enough to raise and guide me. Maybe some day I can give the same to future generations. )

 

[captain_jay_conrad]

Since the time I took over as the Chief Legal Officer of my company, I have always striven to be a source of inspiration and a guiding light for our employees. It may not be something which I always achieve, but, today, I do get to smile over a small victory. An individual who owns half the town where our company has expanded has been abusing his power to promote himself. Well, not just himself, but his entire nepotistic circle of associates and compatriots.

As such, he was going out of his way to attack and impugn the character of each of our staff and personnel. He went so far as to even target their families at civic events. It was outrageous, but outrageous for a reason. The individual of whom I speak was doing all of this because he has an ulterior motive. Namely, to hide the fact that he has misappropriated some $30-50 million for his plan to keep his family and friends well taken care of, for his illicit deals. Needless to say, the cease and desist letter I wrote over a year ago, has caught enough attention that the Statr Attorney General has initiated an investigation against him and his entire organization.

What this will do remains to be seen, in full. But, I am happy to say that I have helped one community lift themselves free of a malignant influence, which has held them back, for far too long. Let's hope that more of this rank corruption can be removed from all of our lives. That os the legacy which I would like to leave behind, when my time to fade away has finally arrived.