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Zalvek's official journal!

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I think I'm gonna fail Diff EQ, which aggravates and pisses me off.
Also. I really need to get it through my head that if I don't do so well in a class, and think to myself 'It's not the teacher's fault, it's mine', that I shouldn't make that assumption and take that same teacher again. It doesn't ever end well.

I don't want to go home after this semester, because it's gonna be awful.

Also, this week sucks.
 
Zalvek said:
I think I'm gonna fail Diff EQ, which aggravates and pisses me off.
Also. I really need to get it through my head that if I don't do so well in a class, and think to myself 'It's not the teacher's fault, it's mine', that I shouldn't make that assumption and take that same teacher again. It doesn't ever end well.

I don't want to go home after this semester, because it's gonna be awful.

Also, this week sucks.
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DiffEq troubles means you have a bad teacher most likely. And that just plain sucks! *hugshugshugs* Just remember that, Zally. <333333
 
The teacher's a really smart guy, but I feel like he might be too smart. A lot of people say that only math majors should take him... It's pretty rough.

This class always makes me feel stupid and hopeless.
 
You're far far far from hopeless. And a lot of times profs in such fields can be space cadets. Trust me, I know. It's why I never went to quantum. >.> Yet I still got a B+. >.> The guy was very smart and nearly impossible to follow. Not saying to do what I did, which was never attend class unless to turn in something or take a test/quiz (I actually squirreled away during class time and read the text book), but maybe it'll give you some insight to know that it isn't just you. Maybe try not to focus so much on every detail your prof goes over, but utilize the books you have on hand instead, perhaps see if there are any TAs you can talk to and hell... you have the internet at your fingertips (something I didn't have). So yeah. Have heart, Zally. You're not stupid. You're not worthless.

*huuuuuuuuuuugs*
 
I swear that it seems I have yet to beat the record of more than two days home before getting into an argument with my mom, and I'm absolutely sick of it. Let me explain something please...

I don't need you to tell me that I've gained weight. I'm perfectly well aware of it and you constantly reminding me that I need to lose it. I'm capable of doing that without your help.

Also, I don't know if you're aware of it, but if you start working out extraneously after a long period of time without it, you're going to be sore for the first few days, and maybe it's kind of hard to do anything in that state. How about fucking understanding that instead of just harping on how I've already fucking given up on it? Yeah, that kind of support is WONDERFUL from you.

Plus, despite what you may think, my personal opinion of myself does not come from what you just think of me. Just because you would theoretically say that I have no problems, doesn't mean that I would think that exact same thing. If you took the time to pay attention, maybe you'd realize that I have some serious self-conscious issues regardless of what you ever say or think of me.

I don't need to go to church to make "Korean friends" as you say. You both say you're so concerned with me having Korean friends, but I don't see why I need them. I have friends, great ones who I'd trust my lives with, but you're both still so stuck in the mental crutch of having those same types of friends from before, that you can't get past it.

I can't stand this shit so much right now.
 
So... This break's finally gone by. I'm ready to get back to school and try again. I hope things go alright. All the semesters I've been at college have made me feel stupid and feel disappointed in myself, and life in general. It's been getting to me mentally, even if I may have not been open about it publicly, that's how it's been all this time. All I can do is try my best again, and see if things go well. If they don't... Then hey, maybe college isn't for me. It's a possibility that I have considered.

This semester's gonna be tough. Three maths and one science. Two of them however I've at least attempted before, and I'm going to try and help my GPA out. I'll do my best to get it back up, because I kind of have to in order to stay at the college.

My parents took some time once the new year started to tell me that they want for us to be happier as a family this year. I'm going to try and do what I can to make this happen.

I've been spending a lot of time writing this week, whether it's actually replying to RPs, writing reviews, or just writing about things in general. Yet as I sit here to write in my journal, I can't find any words to really place into here, maybe because it's harder to find the words to match my emotions right now... Fear, anticipation, concern... It's just hard to explain it.

 
0125111628-00.jpg

This toy makes all my dreams come true. <3
 
As if the rest of my desk wasn't enough of an indicator, right? =3=;

And I like my dreams thankyouverymuch. XD
 
And in one quick motion, all of my dreams are shattered.

WHY IS IT THAT NOTHING I DO OR WANT ENDS TERRIBLY?! ; - ;
 
I think... I'm finally getting over... well, just about everything. I woke up today feeling pretty darn good, and right now I just feel very... light. Like, things are gonna start getting better, and I'm gonna make sure that they do.
 
[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNWS4RTuFaQ[/video]
As things change and move on, so do people. Yet sometimes, they just end up the same.
 
If I have to reformat my desktop (Essentially) I'm gonna cry. Magdelene is my baby and I don't wanna do that to her. Also, fuck waiting! Waiting is gay. That is all.
 
I've been trying a lot harder this year to do what I can to keep my chin up, to try and stay positive when things aren't going the best, and it's a lot harder than I thought. It always seems like when I'm trying my hardest not to break down and worry, is when things get their worst. When life really sits me down and slams down on my crotch with a ball-peen hammer.

I can deal with my self-confidence issues well enough. That's just a matter of me standing in front of a mirror and telling myself everything's gonna be alright. But school's when I start to really crumble.

Classes only get harder and harder, and the stress isn't so easy to avoid. Maybe this week's just a bad example of the worst, and makes me worry by thinking this is how it's always going to be, by having four tests in a full week. Every single time I think I finally understand the material, and even feel confident taking the test itself, is when I end up doing the worst and feeling worthless. I can't even take a ten-question scantron properly without fucking up somehow, and in the stupidest way as well. I don't see the tiniest mistakes, like that the answer B does not go in the answer D slot. I'm sure that I fucked up on the others as well somehow, because it always happens.

It's times like this right now, that I even have trouble looking myself in the mirror like before and telling myself that it will be okay. Instead I look and all I see are that my supposedly emotionless stoic eyes have never been sadder.
 
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