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I'm usually not the sort of person who goes about making journals. I usually am able to just keep my emotions to myself, or maybe talk to a friend or just vent things off with a game or a nap. But I can't do that right now. It's just too hard to. I need to try something different. Kitten told me yoga's a good option and I intend to try that but it's late tonight and I don't have the energy for it. This will have to do.
This month of March... Has been a bit rough for me. Just one streak of unlucky things after another have been happening. A spring break that didn't go too well, a Chemistry exam that made me even falter physically, a bill for Georgia passing that may potentially ruin my future education plans... Usually these things I keep my chin up and just keep walking forward. But I guess it's just harder to do so now.
For the past few weeks I've had some trouble sleeping. Thoughts on my mind that usually only linger for a moment now seem to be permanently imprinted into my eyelids. As I would go to lay in my bed and snuggle into the sheets all that ends up happening is those thoughts return once more and I'm so busy thinking and worrying that within minutes I'm more awake than I was before. All of this I could deal with. This is all good and well. Sure I'm a little bit off, I thought to myself. But it would pass as all things have.
And then yesterday happened.
Yesterday was supposed to be the day that made everything get better. It was a small anime convention in the area and I would get to see a lot of my high school friends, and then after that I was going to go to my friend Liz's house so we could drink and have a good time. The anime convention was fine, and we were all set to make our way over towards her house. As I get on the highway out of Atlanta, I was getting ready to change into the left lane. A car behind me was speeding and I thought "Okay that's fine, I still have plenty of time to get in.". However that car didn't slow down. They just swerved into the next left lane, and hit us in the process. The next few seconds were in slow motion for me. Our car was tilted sideways and we went straight past the two far lanes of traffic, and some how managed to not get hit at all. It really was a miracle. We then crashed into the guardrail on the median of the highway. The course collided before doing a full 360 until we were going forward and grinding along the rail all along the driver's side of the car.
As we got out of the car I couldn't believe that this had just happened. Not this, not today, please. It didn't take long for me to quickly scream into the air from all the bottled up frustration that I had. No one was injured at all, it really was a miracle. I thought everything would be okay. It wasn't my fault, it was clearly theirs. Then the cop showed up. After filling out the report, he handed a yellow slip to me. I received a ticket for "Failure to maintain lane". I couldn't believe it, and I still don't. That reason is the most ridiculous ticket I've ever heard of in my life. I was shaking at this point, in frustration and disbelief that this was happening.
Seeing my car in such a state was just too much for me. This car was my Christmas present from my parents this year, a brand new 2010 Mazda 3. That very same morning I had thought to myself. "You know, despite all of the problems and worries that I always have, I have this car and I love it. Whenever I'm in it I feel so very warm and at ease, knowing that everything will be alright in the end." I feel my car was like a brother to me, and to see him in that state... Even now it makes me physically shake a bit.
As the tow truck came over, we asked if they thought our car was safe to drive. All they had to say was "If you think it's safe, then drive it." The officer gave us a similar answer and once more I was in disbelief. Not wanting to wait for someone, we just worked our way home. I couldn't drive. I was too mentally unstable and Liz gladly drove us to her place slowly.
We contacted my parents and my dad was very concerned. That really helped. But my mom... My mom has this ability to say something to me and immediately ruin my mood. Some of the first things she said to me was "Why were you with Liz instead of at school studying instead?" "What do you mean you were almost killed? It wasn't that bad of an accident." those words really got to me. They made me wish I could cry, but I just can't. I physically can't. I have trouble doing so. I want to so much but I can't go beyond my eyes watering. Bottling up... It seems to be something I'm quite good at.
To say the least, I'm having trouble sleeping even more because of this. Tonight I've taken cold medicine, had tea to relax, played a lot of games to calm me, and still nothing. I close my eyes and all I can do is lament and see my car mangled and destroyed. It hurts a lot. Liz said to me later that she was so scared of dying to where she was in tears. And dying didn't scare me. Ever since I was a little kid, I've come to accept death for when it happens and that it could come at any moment. But dealing with this aftermath, dealing with the complications of the crash, insurance, and that I have to go to court during the week of finals for me is just too much. I can't do this all, it's too much for me.
I have a lot of tension in my body right now, pangs of pain that echo through my chest. I don't know how to let all of this hurt out right now and it hurts a lot. I'm almost always shaking now in fear of something, I don't know what. I really just need a hug. I need someone to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. It's awful when your own mother can't even do or think about that for you.
Again speaking of her, I told her at least five or six times that I loved her after the accident. Never once did she do the same for me. That really hurts me a lot. My dad held me for a long time and that helped but... When I go to my mom, all she had to say was "Keep trying your best at school." Her priorities just really make me wonder if she loves me, or what I'm working to instead...
I don't know I will ever make a journal entry again. It isn't my sort of thing to do realistically. I don't think I've ever been a person who's good at putting emotion into text, which is funny since this is a roleplaying site... I don't know if I feel any different from before I typed this up. I'm still shaking and my chest feels heavy but... I feel my mind's a little bit more at peace. At least for now.
This month of March... Has been a bit rough for me. Just one streak of unlucky things after another have been happening. A spring break that didn't go too well, a Chemistry exam that made me even falter physically, a bill for Georgia passing that may potentially ruin my future education plans... Usually these things I keep my chin up and just keep walking forward. But I guess it's just harder to do so now.
For the past few weeks I've had some trouble sleeping. Thoughts on my mind that usually only linger for a moment now seem to be permanently imprinted into my eyelids. As I would go to lay in my bed and snuggle into the sheets all that ends up happening is those thoughts return once more and I'm so busy thinking and worrying that within minutes I'm more awake than I was before. All of this I could deal with. This is all good and well. Sure I'm a little bit off, I thought to myself. But it would pass as all things have.
And then yesterday happened.
Yesterday was supposed to be the day that made everything get better. It was a small anime convention in the area and I would get to see a lot of my high school friends, and then after that I was going to go to my friend Liz's house so we could drink and have a good time. The anime convention was fine, and we were all set to make our way over towards her house. As I get on the highway out of Atlanta, I was getting ready to change into the left lane. A car behind me was speeding and I thought "Okay that's fine, I still have plenty of time to get in.". However that car didn't slow down. They just swerved into the next left lane, and hit us in the process. The next few seconds were in slow motion for me. Our car was tilted sideways and we went straight past the two far lanes of traffic, and some how managed to not get hit at all. It really was a miracle. We then crashed into the guardrail on the median of the highway. The course collided before doing a full 360 until we were going forward and grinding along the rail all along the driver's side of the car.
As we got out of the car I couldn't believe that this had just happened. Not this, not today, please. It didn't take long for me to quickly scream into the air from all the bottled up frustration that I had. No one was injured at all, it really was a miracle. I thought everything would be okay. It wasn't my fault, it was clearly theirs. Then the cop showed up. After filling out the report, he handed a yellow slip to me. I received a ticket for "Failure to maintain lane". I couldn't believe it, and I still don't. That reason is the most ridiculous ticket I've ever heard of in my life. I was shaking at this point, in frustration and disbelief that this was happening.
Seeing my car in such a state was just too much for me. This car was my Christmas present from my parents this year, a brand new 2010 Mazda 3. That very same morning I had thought to myself. "You know, despite all of the problems and worries that I always have, I have this car and I love it. Whenever I'm in it I feel so very warm and at ease, knowing that everything will be alright in the end." I feel my car was like a brother to me, and to see him in that state... Even now it makes me physically shake a bit.
As the tow truck came over, we asked if they thought our car was safe to drive. All they had to say was "If you think it's safe, then drive it." The officer gave us a similar answer and once more I was in disbelief. Not wanting to wait for someone, we just worked our way home. I couldn't drive. I was too mentally unstable and Liz gladly drove us to her place slowly.
We contacted my parents and my dad was very concerned. That really helped. But my mom... My mom has this ability to say something to me and immediately ruin my mood. Some of the first things she said to me was "Why were you with Liz instead of at school studying instead?" "What do you mean you were almost killed? It wasn't that bad of an accident." those words really got to me. They made me wish I could cry, but I just can't. I physically can't. I have trouble doing so. I want to so much but I can't go beyond my eyes watering. Bottling up... It seems to be something I'm quite good at.
To say the least, I'm having trouble sleeping even more because of this. Tonight I've taken cold medicine, had tea to relax, played a lot of games to calm me, and still nothing. I close my eyes and all I can do is lament and see my car mangled and destroyed. It hurts a lot. Liz said to me later that she was so scared of dying to where she was in tears. And dying didn't scare me. Ever since I was a little kid, I've come to accept death for when it happens and that it could come at any moment. But dealing with this aftermath, dealing with the complications of the crash, insurance, and that I have to go to court during the week of finals for me is just too much. I can't do this all, it's too much for me.
I have a lot of tension in my body right now, pangs of pain that echo through my chest. I don't know how to let all of this hurt out right now and it hurts a lot. I'm almost always shaking now in fear of something, I don't know what. I really just need a hug. I need someone to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. It's awful when your own mother can't even do or think about that for you.
Again speaking of her, I told her at least five or six times that I loved her after the accident. Never once did she do the same for me. That really hurts me a lot. My dad held me for a long time and that helped but... When I go to my mom, all she had to say was "Keep trying your best at school." Her priorities just really make me wonder if she loves me, or what I'm working to instead...
I don't know I will ever make a journal entry again. It isn't my sort of thing to do realistically. I don't think I've ever been a person who's good at putting emotion into text, which is funny since this is a roleplaying site... I don't know if I feel any different from before I typed this up. I'm still shaking and my chest feels heavy but... I feel my mind's a little bit more at peace. At least for now.
