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Of Psychosis and Salvation

Athrun couldn't help the small grin that curved his lips as Red responded to his question. It seemed like a sarcastic answer but it was the truth. The man just enjoyed hearing the other say such things. It was always so different from the normalcy he had almost come to expect of humans. As the hand slipped over his face and gently shut his eyes, humoring Red, he listened to the whispered words that made Athrun want to shrug. Why did he come here? It wasn't just because Red was an assignment - he was much too smart to delude himself into believing it was all dutiful intentions. When he felt the hands leave his eyes and cup his face on either side, Athrun looked into the grey orbs above his own, so close and so large with the millimeters between them. But soon those eyes closed and Athrun felt Red move his head to rest on his shoulder after murmuring what sounded like a sad little verse from a poem. He wondered if it was.

"Perhaps you should sleep. Or would you like me to tell you a story?" Athrun asked, moving a hand slowly to stroke the man's shorter locks. It still bothered him that they were so short but that was something that would always bother him. He knew humans were terribly fond of their hair being either short or long, but he still felt that Red had lacked the choice and that made it far worse to him. Yet did the people here have any choice? They were considered too dangerous for society - hell, they were considered too dangerous to even have visitors. What made someone that dangerous? Would anyone have come to visit Red if he could have had visitors besides himself? Athrun pondered the question, idly humming a soft tune before he spoke again.

"I know you cannot leave this place, but would you allow me the rights to visit you? Would you let me do that, Red? Come to you every night and leave when you will it? Will you let me give you enough to at least make one of your wishes come true?" Maybe to Red the Angerous sounded like the crazy person instead of the one locked up, but Athrun couldn't help but ask. He wanted to give him whatever he wanted - whether he lost his sanity in the process. Chuckling quietly, Athrun let his smile remain. He was asking a crazed man to let him see him. Wasn't that already enough evidence?
 
Red shivered when the hands ran through his hair. It felt... good. His murmuring subsided, listening to the man's level voice beside his ear. Sleep? No... The dark.. but a story... He wanted to hear more of the man's smooth voice. Silky as his black hair. "Yes..." The boy whispered, not opening his eyes. He wanted to lay there and just feel. The touch of another person... gentle, the humming vibrating through the chest under him. This shadow, keeping the dark at bay. "Tell me... Tell me a story.."

The shade spoke again, this time a question. Many questions. Red frowned, not speaking for a moment. "I-..." He faltered, squeezing his eyes shut further, until he came upon a decision, relaxing. "I don't want to hope." His voice barely registered, throat hurting from it's constriction. "But I... I like your eyes." He whispered, not opening his own. Red took a breath. "...You can... you can visit.." Immediately after the words left his mouth, he bit his lip. Red wasn't sure if that was the best thing to do, to invite a stranger who "didn't exist" to visit. To talk... But he was interesting. And white walls were boring. So, so boring.
 
Athrun was silent for a little while, idly stroking the short brown locks of his charge, feeling his body relax on top of him and his voice carry softly in the silence. It was almost peaceful and yet he knew that Red's moods might only last for a short time and so he was careful in these precious moments - and yes, he would consider them precious. It was strange for him to be so calm around a human. He was usually snarky, reserved, and quiet. He wasn't as proactive at keeping them collected and in as sane a headspace as possible but this one...He was just different. He couldn't help but grin at the feeling of taboo sliding over his skin, but sinning seemed to be in his blood. It didn't matter anymore one way or another. He already had the words carved into his skin. As much as Red said he didn't want to hope, Athrun selfishly was pleased to hear the words that he could visit override that little statement. At least, that's what he would pretend.

"Well, you did say a story so I will tell you one. I'll try not to start out so cliche.." He paused to smile a little bit and stroke Red's hair. "In another place far from here, there was a young boy who lived alone with his grandfather on a farm way out in the country. There was a luscious forest that bracketed their farm and fields of orchards of all varying fruits stretched for miles. As much as the young boy loved harvesting the trees, he had his own little garden that he took care of and kept safe from wild animals like unicorns, forest nymphs, and faeries. But one day he came upon tracks he had never seen before! They were as big as he was tall and worried that perhaps a dragon had taken a liking to their orchards and told his grandfather what he had found." Athrun grinned a little as he paused, wondering what Red would say. Probably that such creatures didn't exist, but it was just a story after all. Still, he wanted to do something, even something so small as tell a silly story.
 
Red smiled faintly as he listened, his chest hurt from all the images that popped into his mind, but the hand on his hair felt good... He let out a small "no..." at the mention of the boy's garden being ruined by big tracks, eyes opening to watch the man's face. "And? And then?..." He waited frowning the story had stopped. Then his mind caught up to him, muddling his thoughts. "You're... You're teasing again! They're not real. Dragons, fairies... and unicorns. Myths. They don't exist." Red's brows came to together, frowning as he lifted his head up to stare into bright eyes. "Tell me a true story."
 
"I just thought you might like a silly story, but I can tell you a true one if you would like," Athrun said softly, still stroking Red's hair to keep him calm. He was teasing him yes, but he looked into his eyes with a soft smile before gently willing his head back down onto his chest. Adjusting his position on the bed so his head was more comfortable, the Angerous decided to tell a story of how he came upon a soldier who was a lot like Red. Drawing the memories to the forefront of his mind, Athrun shut his eyes briefly before speaking, opening them once more.

"I met a man on a battlefield who had lost his memory. He was a soldier and had done both great things and terrible things in order to survive. He asked me if I was an angel of death sent to send him to Hell. He believed that was where he was meant to go even if he didn't remember his former life. I told him that I wasn't there to decide his fate, but only to help him find solace with his present and forge a brighter future. He didn't believe me. He said I must be Death for why would an angel of mercy have eyes like the sun? I said I wasn't an angel, not anymore, but he still believed I had to be. So I took him on a journey to try to recover his memories. He had a wife and two daughters and learned that he had been lost to his amnesia for over five years. They had presumed him dead. He didn't know if he wanted to return to his old life or not and I told him to give it time. He was lost...very lost and sad. I've felt the same way before but the helplessness made me think that perhaps he would be able to return to his family. His wife had never given up hope that they would find him but she had fallen into a dark depression. When reunited, they had a lot to talk about and work through. His daughters were more open to him being home but it took another three years before their family was close to some semblance of completeness. They had many fights but managed to stick through it and fix it. From what I recall, one of his daughters married one of his fellow comrades. It wasn't a happily ever after, but they managed to find the will to carry on and find their own happiness." Stroking Red's hair lightly, Athrun was silent until the urge to speak came upon him again.

"Was that a good story?"
 
The hand on his head was soothing... He lay back down, pressing his ear against the man's flesh, hearing his voice vibrate through his chest. The story was not a happy one. There were no fairies... He didn't... didn't like this one. He didn't want to empathize with the man in the story- it brought back bad feelings. Depression and death. In the end the man was together with who he loved... but he was no longer him. He was lost. Missing. Grey.

"No." Red sniffed. "There is always something that intervenes with happiness. No matter how happy." He shifted, reaching out to grasp the sheets and pull it over his bare back, over both of them, then resumed his spot on the man's chest. He was silent for a while, eyes closed, breathing even. Possibly could have been mistaken for someone asleep, except for the tempo his fingers tapped onto the man's bicep. "You are an angel?" Red asked suddenly, tapping stopping. "Is that how you get into my room?"
 
"He still managed to recover some of his memories and yes, he did lose some of what made him who he was, but to his core, he was still the same person and found some happiness. Isn't that enough?" Athrun asked, voice soft as he watched Red pull the sheet over them both. As Red nestled back into his spot, the Angerous went back to stroking his hair, thinking that he might have actually fallen asleep until the tapping became apparent on his arm. When Red spoke again, Athrun's brows furrowed as he thought of an answer to that. He wasn't exactly an "angel" anymore. He didn't have real wings. He had Grace, he had Power, but his Wings were gone. It was really what defined an "angel" but he wasn't really an Angelus anymore. That he knew for sure.

"Yes and no. I'm not a real 'angel' as you call it. I don't have wings. They were taken from me. I just have memories of them now. I can 'fly' but it's not really the same. So...I'm half of what an 'angel' would be. Not whole but still half there." He said, unsure if that was even the right answer to give. The more he thought, some of the things he could do because he just knew he could do them, he had the Power to do so. It was like breathing or thinking, he could just do them. He knew it was what his Maker had bestowed upon him but he just knew his abilities were apart of him just like his hair or his eyes.
 
"Wings.. Fly..." Fly... Like a bird! In the sky-

Red shuddered suddenly, flying the covers off himself violently, bolting off the man. Breathing ragged, he crawling to the far corner of the bed and pressed his back up against it. "NO! No! There are no angels! You lie!" What a horrible horrible teasing. He hiccuped, startling himself, then started sobbing. "No... No... Not true... I don't believe you! Not true.." His voice rose in fervor, wide eyes watching the shadow man's every minuscule movement. It wasn't true, it threatened him. "GO! Go away! N-not real... Not real.." He buried his head in his knees, fingers twisting painfully in the strands of his hair. "No.. Not re-real..." Angels did not exist. Fate did not exist. G- No. Did not exist. Did not exist. Why- Why would he hurt if they did? Why would he always ask? Why why why why why why why... Why would he be here? It pained him deep in his stomach... he wanted to vomit.

"GO AWAY!" Red screamed, trying to shrink further into the corner where the two walls met. White walls. Comforting, simple, white walls...
 
Athrun sat up as soon as Red jumped away from him like he was on fire. His eyes widened as he watched him crawl to the corner of the bed like Athrun was some Duras and would curse him. When he screamed at him, Athrun could feel the sense of banishment rising up in his chest and constricting his muscles from allowing him to reach out to him. Don't say it...DON'T SAY IT. His mind supplied as he stared at Red. His eyes shut in a wince as he heard him tell him to go away. He could feel his body lighten while he sat on the bed, the pressure of being banished filling him up. It was like hot oil being poured onto his skin and searing him behind his eyes. He grit his teeth and drug his hands into the mattress as if it would anchor him but he knew that Red would say it-

"GO AWAY!"

With a gasp of pain, Athrun was pulled out of the room as if a match had gone out suddenly. He was soon in his apartment with all of his things before he cried out in agony as the pain of banishment ripped through his system. He was anchored to his chair for several moments as his chest heaved. Soon, he calmed and felt the chains of the banishment on his wrists and ankles. They were invisible weights that reminded him that for the next twenty-four hours, he was unable to return to Red. Forcing himself to relax, his lips remained in a thin line as he sat in the darkness of his apartment, wondering when he would learn to keep his damned mouth shut.
 
Sniffling, Red cracked an eye open after a few moments, glancing around the empty, silent room. He let out a shaky breath, his hiccups startling him once again. Flopping down on the bed he stared at the ceiling, trying to empty his mind. He could never get all the thoughts out. They crashed against the walls of his mind like waves; the push and pull, rise and fall, but ultimately dissolved... mixing back into the churning waters.

"Where... is your god...?"


He didn't get much sleep that night, drifting off sometime in the early morning hours.

------


A bang startled him awake. The usual pounding on his door, alerting him of thier entrance. Blurry eyes squinted in the bright light, watching as the doctor entered. The cold blue eyes raking over his puffy, tear-stained face. Behind him entered a nurse with a platter... and a guard. Red's hands strangled the sheets beside him, breathing picking back up. What a horrible horrible dream. "No, no..." They never brought meals. Patients ate in the meal hall..

"Cooperate, Evander. This will go smoother for everyone. The doctor sighed, annoyance slipping into his monotone. "No... No!" Red shook his head, whisper horse. A heavy, gloved guard hand closed around his upper arm, yanking him to his feet. "NO!" He pushed against the bigger man, barring his teeth as both his wrists were caught. Red felt the familiar prick of a needle, whipping his head from side to side trying to twist free. He was deposited in the chair, a strong gloved hand coming to rest on his shoulder. A threat. Keeping him seated. Red growled, then spat unintelligible words at the indifferent doctor who stood calmly by with a white cup. The fervid hissing tapered off as his head grew fuzzy... Always fuzzy...


Open your mouth, Evander. These will help you. "Msh-Nngho.." Came the slurred speech, he fought to use his tongue. They had used something different this time. Something stronger, like when he was brought here... They do not trust. A small smirk curled on his lips. They shouldn't trust.. Never trust.. Suddenly his breathing was obstructed by a hand on his nose, another holding his jaw. When he clenched his teeth, the leather fingers dug in painfully, bringing pricks of tears to his eyes. The doctor sighed down at him, then looked up nodding at the guard. The pressing fingers hurt... But not as much as the fist that struck his gut. Red gasped, then choked as the fingers returned to jaw and plastic one's were inserted into his throat, quickly retracting and replaced with water. The guards hand tightened in his hair, keeping his head tipped back, closing his mouth. In pain and surprise, Red swallowed and gasped for air. His head was released, allowed to drop forward. He moaned and coughed as the doctor's pen scratched on a clipboard above him. "We will be administering pills for you from now on, Mr. Riis." Blue stared down haughtily into furious grey. "It would benefit you to comply next time." A tray was set on the table before him, Red's stomach turned. "The medicine will make you nauseous. It's best if you fill your stomach." Gesturing to the food the doctor turned to leave behind the guard and the nurse. Red clawed at his throat, tears of anger burning on his cheeks. "Thhell me, how far do I have to go?" He whispered, eyes locked on the doctor's back. "Thell me.. whitth way leads me ouht...?" The doctor ignored him, crossing the room. "...Thell me how far I have to g- go- to see the world ennntire.. ehntirely new?
" Red's voice rose in pitch as they slipped out the door. "I WANT TO LEIIVE!" It clicked shut.


He didn't know how long he sat, staring at the porridge. His head... began to feel funny. There were... Shadows in his bright room.. He knew. He knew they existed! He always-... The porridge helped quiet his stomach. It's voice was so annoying. Why did the chair move?! I- It moved! He jumped up, stumbling to his bed in a panic, groaning as he ran into the wall. He beat his hands there. Beating the wall. Who was screaming? Someone was loud... How rude. Inappropriate.

The door banged open again. He was dragged out. More screaming. It hurt his ears. Something was stuffed in his mouth... wasn't pleasant. At least the screaming stopped. He was washed, got shampoo in his eyes. It hurt. The soap bubbles were trying to eat his skin.. He tried to cling to the assistant, but they just hosed him down. It stung. The water was trying to eat him too! Nobody understood he didn't want to wear clothes. Didn't want to eat more porridge... More new clothes. Finally back in his room. White white white. Ah, his head hurt... his side hurt.. pinky hurt... he sucked on it as he sat on the table. He fell off.

Red crawled under the bed, looking out from its shade at the white world. At the bottom of the toilet across from him. He jumped when it went dark, hitting his head on the bed above him. The boy moaned, resolving not to move.
 
Athrun had paced the entirety of his apartment space during the night. The weight of the Banishment was like a pressure on his chest that he couldn't shake off. He had grown agitated and irate, smoking cigarette after cigarette until he had made himself sit on his bed and try to find some peace of mind. It hadn't work. Eventually the energy he had exerted had sapped his ability to stay awake and as the first rays of the sun had hit his bedroom floor, had he shut the blinds and rolled over to sleep. His dreams had been confused and misshapen like low-level Duras marking their control on mortals before his mind turned his dreams to emptiness.

--------------

As the moon rose for the night, Athrun still did not leave his apartment. The Banishment hadn't quite left him yet but he could feel the coils slipping free from his body as every minute passed. When the moon was high in the sky did the Banishment finally break and a deep breath of relief escaped him. And yet he was unsure whether he should leave or not. Should he leave Red alone for the night? Or should he risk another Banishment? Slipping free from his bed, he dressed in a similar fashion as he done the night before, except his vestcoat was a silvery white with black trim. He paced his apartment for another hour, boots tapping against the floor unhurried. Running his fingers through his hair, he finally gave in to his need to see Red and disappeared from the apartment to reappear in the Asylum's hallway. He stood outside Red's door for a few moments, lighting up another cigarette. He could smell the smoke clinging to him like a second skin but that didn't stop him from taking another drag. Narrowing his eyes as he stuck his hands into his pockets, Athrun slipped through the metal door like a ghost.

Standing inside the room, he didn't see Red, but he could sense his presence. He was hiding under the bed since he didn't have anywhere else to hide. Athrun didn't go to look for him though and instead sat on top of the desk, using the chair as a foot stool. Smoking his cigarette, he watched the smoke slide into the air before he decided to speak to his charge.

"Red...please come out from under there."
 
No no shadows... They did not bother him tonight... Wahahaaa..nhhh... "Chhhh... chh..ch-" Red stopped his tune and opened wide grey eyes. Smells... "Angel." "Red...please come out from under there." Oh no... Oh no no no.. "I can't." He bit his thumb nervously. "I can't get out of this cage..." To prove his point, he stuck his arm out from under the bed, waving it around, frowning when it didn't come in contact with any bars. What is this?!... They were there before..

Slowly he inched out on his stomach, hitting his head again. The boy moaned, sitting up on the floor and clutching it. "Uhn. They gave me pills... I hate them. I hate my head." He pulled at his hair, barring his teeth. Finally, wet eyes rose bitterly to stare up at the man, shining with their instability. "Angel... White..." He jabbed a finger at the shadow, the bright eyes... so bright. "I'm not afraid of the boogyman!" He yelled. Just to make that clear... there was no boogyman. No angels. No G- no. Did not exist. Exist.. "I can do away with myself on my own..." Red whispered, turning his head and drawing his knees to his chest. The floor... the floor hid shadows... Was it safer under the bed? Ah.. "Angel, angel... You are an angel.. pshf."
 
"You can if you want to...I wouldn't be able to stop you," Athrun murmured, watching Red. He had crept out from under the bed and then held his head, murmuring about pills and then saying he could kill himself if he wanted and being unafraid of the boogeyman. It was just something that made Athrun want to shut his eyes. Tonight, he was feeling cruel and yet he was holding it at bay until he heard Red scoff at him being an angel. His eyes narrowed as he spoke with disdain.

"I'm not an angel." Smoldering eyes focused on Red as he slowly stood up, edging towards the cowering man with a predatory walk. He didn't walk far before he looked down at him, feeling a grin curve his lips for a few moments before he crouched down in front of Red, blowing smoke from his lips as he tapped out his cigarette.

"Maybe you should hide from me tonight," was all he said before his expression softened to indifference, staring at Red with an unflinching gaze, the silence stretching between them as Athrun remained crouched on the balls of his feet.
 
The shadow moved... Wha- Coming closer.. "No, no..." Red shrunk back to the edge of the bed frame, glaring up at the tall man. His scowl faltered on his lips as the man's mouth warped into something he'd not expected... Not on the shade's face... It crouched. Red's eyes flew wide, flicking from side to side. Oh nonononono... His back hurt from the wood behind him it as he pressed himself against it, willing it to give. The shadow's voice was deep. His words ran through Red's head, Hide.. Hide.... Too close.. Too close.. Gold eyes scared him more. Red's pulse was beating in his ears, his breathing shallow. Unstable grey eyes were frozen in the steady gaze, until all at once he bolted- like a cornered animal; crawling under the cramped space of the bed. Safe, safe...

Pressing himself as far as he could into the shadows, Red growled. Not an angel?.. not an angel.. Then what? Oh, oh... He could see the knees, out in the dark room. But not the eyes, anymore. Those fierce eyes... "Im not afraid! I don't fear you!" He hissed from under the bed, glare locked on the man's shoes.
 
"Yes...you're so brave hiding under the bed like a dog," Athrun said with a murmur, before he stood up to lean back against the wall, crossing his legs at the ankles. Looking up at the dismal ceiling, he found his cruelty slipping through and tried to keep it at bay, but the pressure from the banishment still weighed on his mind though it no longer weighed down his body. Covering his face with one hand, he couldn't stop himself from talking.

"You dislike liars and yet spit at my honesty. You ask for truth and you deny mine. What do you want, Red? To be locked in this cage with only pills and darkness to keep you company? Perhaps I should give up on you and leave you to your misery. To never let you see the sky again. Is that what you want? To be a dog for them to beat? You're pathetic." The last sentence was said after a moment of silence, venom warping the smooth voice as he glared at the bed as if it would suddenly light on fire. It didn't but the thought was there as Athrun tried to shove his cruelty back behind the wall of his self-control. He never liked to admit it, but the loss of his wings - of his 'Angel' status- had broken something inside of him. His patience and compassion and control only went so far.

"Should I start calling you Evander like those wretches who torment you? I could. I could deny your individuality and taunt you with your given name. Maybe then you'd be less of a coward, Evander." His rationality kept telling him to stop, to push the negative emotions back inside but he wanted to hear what Red had to say. Maybe he should just leave now before it got worse - before he did something more cruel to hurt his charge. He would probably suffer another banishment, but he knew he would at least deserve it this time. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
 
A dog? Did the man call him a dog? The knees disappeared, boots stopping at the far wall. He growled at them. The shade spoke again... Red stayed silent, the voice had changed. No longer silky... Harsh. Rough. Pathetic? Red's teeth clenched until they hurt, inching away from the wall. "Evander." Red repeated the name as he said it, face darkening. "Evander is Red. Red is in Evander." Would the man understand his little riddle? He suddenly laughed. Loud and harsh, the sound ricocheting back to his ears and hurting them. "A coward? To hide from something that can appear from shadows, and fight with demons?" He spat, crawling out from under the bed like the being he was describing. For those marks... on the shade's chest.. No sympathy went into their crafting. He sat up, glaring at the man, then... barked.

"At first we were free with fur and horns..." Red stood, gnashing his teeth. "But then came the downfall." He paced towards the door, throwing his arms up violently. "If you want to be human and not an animal, then bring god into your domain. Then humanity will go to the gallows!" He turned, a wicked sort of smile on his face, voice low and hissed. "Animals need no God. Gods are for species that betray themselves and seek refuge in faith for putting each other to death. Humans need Gods. In order to harm themselves. In order to wipe themselves out. That's us." He fell silent, grey eyes locked on yellow. No longer laughing, yelling, hissing. Just quiet. Just staring.

"No, the question is what do you want from me? I did not ask to be here... I did not ask for you to come." He giggled, jabbing a finger at the man, almost throwing himself off balance. "You wish me less of a coward? These pills make my head spin and pop... I hate them." His eyes narrowed as his fists began to clench and unclench. "I hate you, I hate them. I hate me... I hate eeeeeveryone!" He sang, smile lighting up. Lopsided and eerie. "Everyone. But you knew that, didn't you?" His voice fell back to something resembling sanity. "You knew you wouldn't couldn't reason with someone like me." Someone like him. Thats what they said. Thats what they told other people. Those doctors. "I am pathetic. You are delusional." The giggles started up again, Red swaying in place, eyes unfocused and drifting.
 
"Of course it is! That's like saying there's an ass in assumption," Athrun said with a dull look, the laughter bouncing around in his head as it bounced around the room. He watched Red's slow progress as he edged out from under the bed and stood up, listening to him ramble on and on. Red had never believed in God and it mattered not to Athrun whether he did or ever could. It wasn't his place to try to convince him and he wouldn't have tried even if he had been ordered to. He would have taken that punishment easily. Besides, humans were made with precious free will: they could believe whatever they wanted. Smoldering eyes locked onto grey as Athrun stared at the man before him. What did he want? Nothing. He hadn't asked to come here either. Madness and chaos he could understand and breathe in, but right now? He wanted to be far away and locked away in his own space. Perhaps it was selfish and cowardly, but he wanted to deal with someone without the brokenness awarded to the suffering. He, however, knew it wouldn't be possible. He was meant to guide and protect the insanity and try to offer solace. What was he offering now?

"Delusional would mean I expected you to suddenly be sane and reasonable which you aren't. And of course you hate everyone, including myself, because you are only filled with hate. There isn't room for anything else, not even sanity because you wish for nothing more than to have your own desires fulfilled, naturally. You show me bits of compassion, but perhaps they are false just like your reasoning. Made up of lies and wanton emotions that you grab at whenever you need an easy way out. Coward suits you perfectly. No wonder the doctors fill you with pills. Pills for Evander who speaks of a shade no one can see." Athrun muttered the last sentence as if he was spitting it out in disgust. Turning around, Athrun put his hands and forehead against the wall. He felt its coldness seep into his skin and mind, as if cooling down his erratic emotions. Nothing would work here. Nothing could be said. Shutting his eyes, he counted in his head all the times he had helped someone move on to the next life or try to find a better one. The numbers built and built until he didn't want to think about them anymore. With his eyes still shut, he spoke.

"Banish me again. I bet you are just desperate to be rid of me for another night to wallow in your darkness and empty heart."
 
"NO!" Red wheeled, throwing his hand accidentally into the wall. He cradled it for a second before another scowl replaced his momentary lapse in fury. "Banish you? You come and go as you please..." He looked over the dark-haried figure. Or did it? Did the shadow have to leave when he said leave? Hm. "Do you listen to commands then, Angel?" Red smirked. "Should I order you then?" He mused, while mumbling on to himself. "...Hate, hate that's what there is. That's substance." There was nothing else... that made him feel more alive. Real. Was there? ... Not fuzzy. Not bad. Not like the pills. Oh hahononono. "I will not banish you. You will stay..." He sauntered up to the shadow, finger outstretched as if he meant to jab the tall man in the side. "Cruel. Cruel words. I can be cruel too. It's not hard, is it?" He paused, blinking rapidly.

"ohh... but you said- you said-" A lopsided smile broke over the snarling face. "You wish my compassion?" He tittered. "Compassion for an angel. Heh..." Why did that ring of such... irony? Grey eyes glided up the elegant form, trying to peer up into the face that rested against the wall. His wall. "Maybe you're right, then. Empty. Not able to be... compassionate." Suddenly, he tried to shove the shadow. Placing his hands fast against it's side. "Will you still say?! Will you scream? Like them?" Like them... "You angel, you-!" He laughed, already far gone. "Perhaps you are mad... And I am your demon."
 
"I am no angel" He yelled at last, anger melding into his words as he turned smoldering eyes onto his charge. Cruelty was like a catalyst between them: building wildly and out of control. There was nothing to be done here. It was like pouring salt into a wound and pressing your fingers in. This thing between them was festering and Athrun had started it. What else was there to do but take the cruelty? He could leave but it wasn't easy with his emotions being out of control. He had to be completely calm or else. Another condition laid upon him by his maker. It would have been different if he was trying to move with his charge - protection was of the utmost importance - but when trying to move himself? It was a lock placed on him for when his emotions became unruly. It would take more of his power to undue the lock and then he would be tired and lethargic. Sometimes he wondered if his maker just wanted him to die or learn more self-control. It wasn't like he could make it back into the Spire of Heaven. He'd been banished more or less. He was unwanted.

"Compassion...." He said the word softly, almost as if he had never heard it before despite just speaking it moments ago. It was like ash in his mouth. When Red tried to shove him, Athrun did not move. He remained rooted to his spot, his eyes like the burning sun as he stared with anger and perhaps loathing. Not loathing for Red, but for himself. He'd let himself slip, to go too far, and look where he was now? At the mercy of his emotions and his charge. It was pathetic. And it was ironic. A great being like himself, held by invisible chains he helped clasp together. What a fool he was.

"No, Red. You will always be mad. I am my own demon."
 
The boy pouted. Outstretched arms fell from the man's side. Hard and unmovable as a stone. He'd probably be better off bashing his head against it... It was giving him enough trouble already. The boy turned dejectedly, unhappy that his outburst hadn't effected the shade at all. The shadow's emotions were as contained as his were flighty. "I'm not mad." He huffed, sitting on the edge of his bed and staring down at his hands, fingers dancing to their own silent tune. "Not mad. Angry, yes. Like you, but not mad." He shook his head. "You can't be a demon... You're too kind." Red's lips quirked up in a resemblance of a smile. "My demons are not so nice. They hurt me when the doctors bring pills. But you're good... You just stand there." He tapped his lip. "Does it hurt you then? Too keep it all in?"

Grey eyes flicked across the floor, drawing up his feet and following shifting shadows that weren't really there. "Don't you wonder what it would be like... How freeing it would be to be... mad?" Red looked back up at the shade with his burning eyes... burning eyes that he didn't like to stare into.. but what light they held gave him some semblance of comfort in the dark.. dark darkness. "I think it would be nice..." He laughed, all of a sudden liking the fact that the other was staying. Talking. He was talking! Not ordering. Not poking and prodding. But... talking. Oh. It scared him slightly. What if he was... another of his demons? A craftier one. One that talked, chattered. Like those in his mind when the doctor gave him bad pills... What if. What if. Certainly it was better, he supposed, than being in the dark alone.
 
Eventually Athrun pulled himself from his position and let his body rest on the floor, back against the wall, eyes not seeing much. He listened to Red speak as if he was close to sanity but even Athrun wasn't really paying attention. He didn't want to be trapped. It was a terrible feeling that had eclipsed him a few times before and ravaged his mind a time or two. That familiar ache settled in between his shoulder blades of a time when even though he hadn't been accepted, he had been free. Was Red trying to offer him some semblance of freedom now? Or was it another ploy to get him to open up somehow? He wasn't sure and found his skepticism to be almost out of place. Humans were clever creatures to an extent but even Athrun was unsure of what Red was up to this time.

"You've already been touched in the head. Isn't that freeing on it's own? Or it is some kind of prison that no one else can see, much like my own? I am uncertain to ever find freedom, as I think you yourself are quite aware of. Is anyone ever truly free?" He asked that last question softly, as if to temper the implications of it. Looking up at Red, his beautiful captor, he wanted to pin him down and take some of his madness into himself with force. And yet he remained seated on the floor, staring with those brilliant eyes that had gotten him into so many predicaments.
 
Truly free... True freedom. He mused silently for a moment, then snapped his head back up. Without hesitation, the boy nodded. "Yes." Slender fingers crawled, spread to smooth out white bedsheets beside his thighs. "Your God... Is free." His bare feet tapped on the floor. "Free to create. Destroy. Free to his whim. His will..." He wrinkled the sheets in his grasp once more. "His will shalt be done... no?" He laughed, running a hand haphazardly through his hair. "Freedom. Cages; cages are here-" Red's fingers go to probe his temple. His chest. "Cages are conformity, and order, and sanity. They make your head waltz in lines and run in circles. They crush you. They give you objective, tell you your purpose. But imagination... that is freedom. Innovation and change." He looked back at the shade. Sitting on the floor. His floor.

"Uncertainty, prisions... inhibition. Fear." Red whispers the words as he stills, eyes running over the angel. "You. You are your cage. You are your demon." He nods, as if everything makes perfect sense. Demons are no strangers, but this shade's... his have pulled him to the ground. Burning eyes almost dimmed to a solemn glow. Sorrow. Deep... A rift. "Me, I am... I am not free." Red gestures to the door, beyond which sleeps the majority of the asylum. "This is my cage. But I am not held." He taps his temple once more.

"Everyone must be free... to be happy." He stands, making his way haltingly towards the sitting figure, tilting his head. "You are not free. Not happy. A prisoner? Like me?" He sank into a crouch before the man. Peering up curiously. "What makes you that way?" A hand lifts- slowly reaching forward to brush lightly against the silken strands of raven hair once more. Tracing the edge of a angled jaw, then retreating to tuck back under his arms. "Find it... And destroy it. Leave it behind. Move on." If you can... Some, like him, clung to their pasts. Could see no future. But this was an angel... A creature with power... Why he felt compelled to humor him with advice, Red did not know.
 
"Cages are far easier to see than to break.." Athrun murmured, feeling the soft touch to his face and hair. He wanted to keep being touched but soon that hand had pulled away. He dare not move to take it back, but he felt his emotions calming like a stilling sea, gentle sways falling flat until he felt in control of himself again. The price. There was always a price. Keeping his gaze on Red, he knew himself to be a prisoner. It wasn't an epiphany or anything of the sort, but just a deep resonating truth that he did not want. He had been happy once a very long time ago. It was like an echo that occasionally pounded through his mind whilst he slept. Yet even as he sat there, that echo was dimming to a whispering sigh. As if it would soon fall into death.

"If you could be free, what would you do with your freedom? If you could find your happiness, what would you do with it?" Athrun asked, reaching into a pocket to take out a cigarette. Lighting it, he took a slow drag, letting the smoke steadily escape his lips. The things he could do and yet was powerless to do. The irony was not lost on him as the smoke drifted into the air only to vanish - if only they could be like smoke. Yet they weren't. They were trapped in flesh bodies and held down by the gravity of living. Athrun had always wondered what it would be like to be one of Lucifer's soldiers. Would it be any different from now? Would he still be trapped? Or would he finally fall and be set free? The potential for chaos was something that even made Athrun shudder at the uncertainty. The chasm of doubt was vast indeed.
 
"If I could be free…" Red mused, his eyes lifting and face setting into something serious. "My happiness? Hm." He huffed a chuckle. "If I was free, I would take." His eyes settled back on the yellow orbs before him. "I would take my revenge." His mouth curled into a smile. "From this 'God'; I wouldn't be good." Fingers traced circles on the floor. "No good, not like I'm being now." Red glanced towards the door. "With my happiness, I would enjoy it. I would keep it secret, and safe… and all mine." He looked back up. "So that no one could take it away again." The boy smiled, a certain light coming into his grey eyes. "So that it could never leave me."

Red was quiet for a bit, staring at the smoke that would leave on the shade's breath. It made funny pictures in the air. He snickered. "Why so many of these questions? Why do you ask me what I would do?" Red peered closer at the shadow's face, shifting a little closer to his warmth. Not many asked his opinions, or even let him talk for that matter. It was curious, but he felt… what? Strange. Gratitude? No. No, he didn't like this shadow that invaded his space! Did he? Quieter, the boy tapped his fingers on the ground close to the man's thigh. His voice almost a whisper, uncertain, as if he was asking a forbidden question. One that would bring the dark in the room in closer around them. He didn't like the dark. "What would you do… with freedom and happiness?" He sat still for once, watching the face of the shadow. On his best behavior; trying to figure out the curious puzzle of the smoking shade that visited him when the lights went out.
 
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