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Contest Entry Thread [Poetry]

Hahvoc The Decepticon

Hahvoc The Decepticon

Singularity
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
I'm separating this from my other poetry thread for the sole purpose of these poems being reviewed and commented on so I can potentially have them published. I don't know how long it will take but once I have about 10, I'll ask for the top five to be sent in for review by a greeting card company. So please let me know what you think if you do decide to drop in and read them.

First Poem:

Title: Eclipse

I was lost in a barren wasteland
Searching for an answer
To revive my stuttering heart
After all the wreckage
Of the past

And like a lighthouse in the distance
I was drawn to your light
As it swept over me
Igniting a pathway in the darkness
Right to your door

And here we are now
In this life we've made together
A future blossoming before us
Like nothing else I've ever known
Until I was eclipsed by you
And your loving heart
 
RE: Romantic Endearments [Poetry]

I'm very glad you're deciding to do this and take the plunge. You're good and people should be reading your stuff. That said, I love this poem.... very moving and touching, it brings a warm smile to my face. <3
 
RE: Romantic Endearments [Poetry]

Yeah. The greeting card company wants love/romance/missing you poems and since I usually write with a dark edge to everything, I have to really tone it down in order to get these published. So it's a work in progress for me.
 
RE: Romantic Endearments [Poetry]

Poem 2:

It doesn't matter to me
That we all have flaws,
Scars, and baggage
I'll accept all you are
And not just the pieces
That I love or like the most
So I'll embrace every flaw
Kiss every little bruise and scar
And help shoulder your baggage
Because what does matter to me
Is having you here in my life
And everything that makes you who you are
 
RE: Romantic Endearments [Poetry]

Poem #3

All my days before you
Were filled with an emptiness
I couldn't truly be rid of
I walked through life
Wondering
Hoping
And searching for you
I had been trying to find you
Before I even knew who you were
But once I found you, my dear heart
I knew a happiness unknown before
And reached only for your hand
That was now only meant for me
 
RE: Romantic Endearments [Poetry]

--+Hahvoc Requiem+-- said:
Poem #3

All my days before you
Were filled with an emptiness
I couldn't truly be rid of
I walked through life
Wondering
Hoping
And searching for you
I was filled with a longing
That I couldn't fathom
Until I finally found you
I had been trying to find you
Before I even knew who you were
But once I found you, my dear heart
I knew a happiness unknown before
And reached only for your hand
That was now only meant for me
Click to expand...

Really stunning, Hahvoc. The sense of "yearning uplifted" is really palpable in your imagery and I love the ending two lines. Like a satisfying conclusion to a heart-tugging story. One suggestion, if I may, the lines that I outlined seemed just a tiny bit disjointed with the "find" verb used twice right near each other like that. I much prefer the way "I had been trying to find you, before I even knew who you were" over the "longing ... until I finally found you part." The former has more of that sense of destiny and rightness when a person has found someone to love; that kind of surprise and alarm being calming when you're swept up in emotions like that. Anyway, I hope that is somewhat helpful as a review. Really enjoying these! Keep them coming!
 
RE: Romantic Endearments [Poetry]

Poem #4 [As much as I like this poem, I might have to toss it. I think one of their requests was that it didn't rhyme. =/ Fuckers.]

Where have you been all this time?
This other piece of me,
That has been misplaced,
Like a sailor lost at sea.
I'm waiting here for you,
Until you come back to me,
For I need you in my life,
Like a secret melody,
That only the two of us know.
I will never let you go,
My personal lullaby,
For my love will never slow,
And I will never say goodbye.
 
RE: Romantic Endearments [Poetry]

For a different contest: I'll be mixing in other contest entry tries in this thread just so I can keep it all organized in one thread. So this will be my contest entry thread. YEAH.
 
Where did you go
So far away?
I feel like I've been missing you
My entire life.
The stars keep on shining
Like nothing has ever changed.
But out here, they look like diamonds
Or the freckles on your face.
And I only want to be with you,
To hold you tightly again.
And I only ever want you,
To kiss you like you've never had.
So come home,
It's the only thing I'm asking.
I need you here with me,
So please come home soon.
 
How do we compare our hearts?
Or the way we accept each other?
It's like a never ending battle,
Of which no one ever seems to win.
It's like we pick apart the pieces,
Of things we love, like, and hate.
And put them into separate boxes,
And lock them away.
Yet I never do that with you.
And it saddens me that people have,
Because I know that they're wrong.
You're just my kind of perfect,
And everything beautiful.
 
I wonder how it came to this,
Just sitting here,
Wondering, waiting,
And silent in my thoughts
Of the person you were.
I let you borrow my heart
Thinking that you would return it
And instead you placed your mark
And kept it as your own.
That was so long ago.
You've been gone for awhile now,
And I only have our memories
As they fall like rain down my cheeks.
I remember every moment,
Every argument and soft-spoken whisper,
And I find myself deluding myself
With thoughts of your return.
And yet here I stay,
With our things and yesterdays,
Knowing that this is the end,
Even as I live on,
Both celebrating and mourning,
The love that existed between us
Like a shooting star in the sky,
It disappeared too soon.
Yet burned hotter than any love before it.
 
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