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tortured soul
Planetoid
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2012
- Location
- My vortex of chaos
I honestly don't know what I want to write, all I can really say at this point is why I'm here.
Ok, here goes.
I'm a survivor of rather horrific child abuse.
I'm not saying that I want to write under-age because that's against the rules here but I have a lot of pent up rage and a deep seated need for total sadism from a man. It takes a lot to hurt me after all I've been through, only deeply personal, inventive and cruel verbal humiliation causes me anything approaching emotional pain. What I find truly cathartic is an evil, ingenious mindfuck. Physically I can take a whole hell of a lot and when it comes to writing fiction I have very few limits. I'm very maso but not submissive. What I am is a total non-consent junkie, craving pain, violence and humiliation on a level that will scare most away. I am incapable of conventional romantic love. I'm actually fairly sure I'm sociopathic or dissociative in some way. I'm a compulsive liar, an early coping mechanism that got out of hand.
Edited to add (as I'm getting a lot of comments about this): Perversely (and of course I could be lying) I am here so that I can dare to be honest, to point at myself saying 'this is what I am' and see who can deal with it, who's twisted enough to get hard on it. The lying these days is restricted mostly to maintaining my 'well adjusted' public façade. It's a very effective way of hamstringing your self esteem, to be obliged to be someone you're not, like extreme method acting. Then when people like you there's nothing to trust or believe in because really they don't know you at all. They'd be appalled or worse, pitying. I included the fact that I lie in the post just because it's something utterly taboo that I never discuss in my real life. Nice normal people cannot handle the thought of being lied to, whereas I know just how much everyone lies all the time, how deceitful we can be, even and especially to ourselves. It also illustrates how fundamentally fucked up I am, which I guess is also the point. So, if in your (internet, hello?) world of rainbows and sunshine everyone's honest to one another, good for you. I just don't buy it.
What I'm trying to convey here is that I'm genuinely pretty fucked up. I may well write things that disturb you or fail to react in the way that a more well adjusted girl would.
I've got no interest in writing about consensual BDSM. I have no ardent desire to wait on a man and I certainly don't believe they know what's best for me. I will obey through abject terror and given enough abuse you'll find me highly motivated. I abhor rules and protocol, I'm way too bratty. I also have no patience for contrived excuses for 'punishment' nor do I want to talk about how I've 'been a bad girl.' I don't need my limits gently pushing by some benevolent father figure, they were annihilated years ago by my utter cunt of a natural father. I get bored easily, well in chat I have anyway. I need someone who is intelligent, articulate and inventive.
I should make a few things clear, because I have found that some of my quirks can make me badly matched for many 'regular' (for want of a better word) sadists. I crave violence and very rough treatment but for me, nothing that you can physically force me to endure will humiliate me as such. Standard name-calling and clichéd attempts to make me feel 'naughty,' 'slutty' or 'dirty' will also leave me bored and unaffected. Making me eat out of a dog dish will be nothing more than a minor inconvenience. I have almost total emotional detachment from the rest of the world, very little bites deep enough to make me feel anything. I'm sociopathic, I know this, but at the opposite end of the spectrum to your archetypical hetero, dissociative, alpha-male sadist.
The only things that make me feel anything, that I find cathartic and therefore crave are firstly, deeply personal verbal humiliation from someone who digs into a character's background and uses that knowledge as a weapon. It requires you to be my intellectual equal or superior, eloquent and intuitive, with the kind of ruthlessness capable of making my character despise herself far more than she loathes yours. The other thing that will bring me emotionally to my knees is a truly brutal mindfuck, because so few men are capable of outwitting me. That kind of sadistic mockery, making me feel a total fool, is a rare quality in the guys I've encountered online.
I realise that I'm probably coming off as quite demanding but the fact is that while I'll enjoy other forms of 'humiliation' and crave brutal violence, those things I've stipulated are the only reasons I'm here seeking online play. I don't view this even as being demanding as such, merely furnishing you with the keys to my wasted heart and tortured psyche. I have developed an emotional exoskeleton that take quite some fracturing before you can attack the marrow of my psychological core.
I'm seeking a man who relishes the idea of playing a total sociopath, with zero emotional attachment to my character. I'm seeking a story that will start and stay non-consensual, with a man who will let his total power over me corrupt him absolutely. I'm seeking quite extreme violence, to be beaten and abused in every conceivable way you could mistreat a girl and still want to fuck her again the next day. I'm seeking total annihilation of self esteem, to be mocked in only the way a high functioning sociopath can pick apart the psyche of a vulnerable victim.
So, that's where I'm coming from and what I'm seeking. I know the chances are pretty small that I'll find anyone near as fucked in the head as me but what the hell, right?
Another addendum - fucking full of it aren't I? - bodytype: I'm 4ft 10, thin and very young looking with a delicate bone-structure; stunted runt of a pitiful litter. I portray myself physically in roleplay; black hair, very pale skin, small tits, dark green/grey eyes. I was born emo and nothing will induce me to play a well developed girl of average height with blonde hair and tanned skin. This is partly because my bodytype is very easy to overpower and to ridicule, it's also because my bodytype will appeal directly to a certain brand of paedo in denial, one who might find roleplaying opposite very young characters distasteful and shameful but who might well relish an adult character that physically resembles a barely pubescent teen.
So there you have it. Please message me with interest or post here on the thread. My online time is erratic & sporadic but I check in here every few days.
Ok, here goes.
I'm a survivor of rather horrific child abuse.
I'm not saying that I want to write under-age because that's against the rules here but I have a lot of pent up rage and a deep seated need for total sadism from a man. It takes a lot to hurt me after all I've been through, only deeply personal, inventive and cruel verbal humiliation causes me anything approaching emotional pain. What I find truly cathartic is an evil, ingenious mindfuck. Physically I can take a whole hell of a lot and when it comes to writing fiction I have very few limits. I'm very maso but not submissive. What I am is a total non-consent junkie, craving pain, violence and humiliation on a level that will scare most away. I am incapable of conventional romantic love. I'm actually fairly sure I'm sociopathic or dissociative in some way. I'm a compulsive liar, an early coping mechanism that got out of hand.
Edited to add (as I'm getting a lot of comments about this): Perversely (and of course I could be lying) I am here so that I can dare to be honest, to point at myself saying 'this is what I am' and see who can deal with it, who's twisted enough to get hard on it. The lying these days is restricted mostly to maintaining my 'well adjusted' public façade. It's a very effective way of hamstringing your self esteem, to be obliged to be someone you're not, like extreme method acting. Then when people like you there's nothing to trust or believe in because really they don't know you at all. They'd be appalled or worse, pitying. I included the fact that I lie in the post just because it's something utterly taboo that I never discuss in my real life. Nice normal people cannot handle the thought of being lied to, whereas I know just how much everyone lies all the time, how deceitful we can be, even and especially to ourselves. It also illustrates how fundamentally fucked up I am, which I guess is also the point. So, if in your (internet, hello?) world of rainbows and sunshine everyone's honest to one another, good for you. I just don't buy it.
What I'm trying to convey here is that I'm genuinely pretty fucked up. I may well write things that disturb you or fail to react in the way that a more well adjusted girl would.
I've got no interest in writing about consensual BDSM. I have no ardent desire to wait on a man and I certainly don't believe they know what's best for me. I will obey through abject terror and given enough abuse you'll find me highly motivated. I abhor rules and protocol, I'm way too bratty. I also have no patience for contrived excuses for 'punishment' nor do I want to talk about how I've 'been a bad girl.' I don't need my limits gently pushing by some benevolent father figure, they were annihilated years ago by my utter cunt of a natural father. I get bored easily, well in chat I have anyway. I need someone who is intelligent, articulate and inventive.
I should make a few things clear, because I have found that some of my quirks can make me badly matched for many 'regular' (for want of a better word) sadists. I crave violence and very rough treatment but for me, nothing that you can physically force me to endure will humiliate me as such. Standard name-calling and clichéd attempts to make me feel 'naughty,' 'slutty' or 'dirty' will also leave me bored and unaffected. Making me eat out of a dog dish will be nothing more than a minor inconvenience. I have almost total emotional detachment from the rest of the world, very little bites deep enough to make me feel anything. I'm sociopathic, I know this, but at the opposite end of the spectrum to your archetypical hetero, dissociative, alpha-male sadist.
The only things that make me feel anything, that I find cathartic and therefore crave are firstly, deeply personal verbal humiliation from someone who digs into a character's background and uses that knowledge as a weapon. It requires you to be my intellectual equal or superior, eloquent and intuitive, with the kind of ruthlessness capable of making my character despise herself far more than she loathes yours. The other thing that will bring me emotionally to my knees is a truly brutal mindfuck, because so few men are capable of outwitting me. That kind of sadistic mockery, making me feel a total fool, is a rare quality in the guys I've encountered online.
I realise that I'm probably coming off as quite demanding but the fact is that while I'll enjoy other forms of 'humiliation' and crave brutal violence, those things I've stipulated are the only reasons I'm here seeking online play. I don't view this even as being demanding as such, merely furnishing you with the keys to my wasted heart and tortured psyche. I have developed an emotional exoskeleton that take quite some fracturing before you can attack the marrow of my psychological core.
I'm seeking a man who relishes the idea of playing a total sociopath, with zero emotional attachment to my character. I'm seeking a story that will start and stay non-consensual, with a man who will let his total power over me corrupt him absolutely. I'm seeking quite extreme violence, to be beaten and abused in every conceivable way you could mistreat a girl and still want to fuck her again the next day. I'm seeking total annihilation of self esteem, to be mocked in only the way a high functioning sociopath can pick apart the psyche of a vulnerable victim.
So, that's where I'm coming from and what I'm seeking. I know the chances are pretty small that I'll find anyone near as fucked in the head as me but what the hell, right?
Another addendum - fucking full of it aren't I? - bodytype: I'm 4ft 10, thin and very young looking with a delicate bone-structure; stunted runt of a pitiful litter. I portray myself physically in roleplay; black hair, very pale skin, small tits, dark green/grey eyes. I was born emo and nothing will induce me to play a well developed girl of average height with blonde hair and tanned skin. This is partly because my bodytype is very easy to overpower and to ridicule, it's also because my bodytype will appeal directly to a certain brand of paedo in denial, one who might find roleplaying opposite very young characters distasteful and shameful but who might well relish an adult character that physically resembles a barely pubescent teen.
So there you have it. Please message me with interest or post here on the thread. My online time is erratic & sporadic but I check in here every few days.
