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Pdrive's Journal, Absences, and Rant Corner

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Pdrive1872

Supernova
Joined
Oct 7, 2011
So I figured I'd make this thread for a variety of reasons. One, I can post here if I ever have to be away for any period of time. Two, I can sort of express how I'm feeling about my experiences.

Currently, things are nice, I've got several awesome RP's going. Having said that, I'm very upset with several people, both here and on other sites. I don't like it when people seem to be happy with me and then all of a sudden they're avoiding me or no longer speaking to me with no explanation, especially when I consider the person a friend (or a potential friend). It's very upsetting and it makes me feel bad about myself.

Oh well.
 
You know, some days/nights I feel like a weirdo for having some of the kinks I have. I mean, I know there are people kinkier than me, I definitely have limits. I'm not into toilet stuff, or kids (god, that stuff is messed up) or excessive violence, or hardcore non-con. Also, I'm sure that everyone on earth has a kinky bone in their body somewhere, and none of the stuff I'm into is illegal or would hurt anybody, so on one hand, what's the harm, right? But there's another part of me that feels like a freak sometimes, and that really sucks. I know I'm a good guy, I'm not a sex addict (though I have a high drive), I have normal and legitimate productive interests, so why am I so hard on myself? I don't know, guess that's just me.

Does anybody else ever feel that way?
 
I'm really depressed tonight. This doesn't feel good, to say the least. I don't know what to do.
 
Another day where I'm questioning basically everything about myself. Not that I have any interest in "doing anything stupid" or anything near it, just feeling kind of unsure about certain things. Wishing I had someone to talk to about it without fear of judgment (and yeah I'm already in counseling but I hardly wanna discuss fetishes and stuff with the same guy I talk to about drama with my parents, yeesh).

Ah well, it'll all be okay.
 
Hey there, remember me...Rose... if you ever need to talk to someone hun please feel free to hit me up you can send me a pm or if you have YIM my id is mommablackrose there as well.
 
I am so disheartened. At this point I'm questioning whether I'll ever find a long term RP partner who'll be happy with what we do and enjoy it as much as I do. Seems like every time I find somebody, they vanish on me. Is it bad luck? Is something wrong with me? Am I a bad partner? I honestly have no idea. But it's really upsetting.
 
Reeeeeally bad night, like, a perfect storm of suck. I need someone to talk to yet simultaneously don't have the energy to explain it all to someone. What an awful feeling. I guess it'd be nice to feel like someone reached out, but I realize it can be a lot to ask sometimes.
 
Well, things are getting better, but I really hate it when people stop RPing with me and don't have the decency to tell me straightforwardly that I did something to bother them or whatever. Not everything is going to work out, but just blocking someone or ignoring PMs is not cool.
 
I'm really hurting right now. Badly. Am I a bad partner or something? Do I not have good ideas? Sometimes I just don't understand. I try to be a good partner and a good guy, but sometimes I wonder.
 
So angry. So so so angry.

I need to vent to someone, but no one who will listen would understand, and no one who understands will listen.
 
You know, I really hate to say this, but I think there are some really really...well, mean seems like an overly simplistic and dramatic word, but some pretty mean members of this community. I am of the belief that it's not okay to just literally ignore someone with no indication that anything is wrong, but apparently some people here who think that's just fine.
 
I'm really grateful for BMR. My time here continues to be great. I hope I give as much to the community as it gives to me. <3
 
I can be kinda pushy sometimes, and I'm sorry to anyone I've ever been that way towards. I'm working on it, I promise, and I feel bad because I never want to make anyone's experience here negative in any way.

Guess I'm a work in progress just like everyone is, right?
 
I realize no one reads these stupid things, and I don't blame them, but this is probably the worst day I've had in a good five or six years, and I have no one to turn to. I've never needed a friend like I do right now.
 
Awww, thanks. You never need to worry from the standpoint of me doing anything dumb, to me or to anyone else, and I feel a bit better today. I was just deeply hurting yesterday. Thanks for the support.
 
This hurts. Oh god this hurts. I guess you can call it a breakup; not quite in the conventional sense, but in most practical terms that's what just happened. I have no one to talk to except the person that the "breakup" just happened with. I have no escape, and I don't know what to do to bring myself joy because I don't want to associate something I love with these awful, excruciating feelings. And I don't even know if I want someone to be around me right now. I'm so broken.

Help?
 
I am getting really really discouraged by all this rejection. I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, and I still feel really alone.
 
I don't know what to do. That on again off again is off again, and I hate it because she's right. I understand why. And I'm frustrated because I need solace, and I find solace in others, but I can't justify being around anyone right now. I'm miserable and a self-loathing, bitter mess right now. No one should have to deal with that. What do I do...?
 
Everyone goes through off times. It's during those times that we should take a moment to step back and try to do a true blue self analysis..... why are we feeling this way, what can we do to break this cycle? Sometimes the answer is blatant and staring you in the face and usually achieving the goal is never easy. It typically means facing things about ourselves that we don't want to, but should. It typically means having to change behaviors and routines that feel safe and comfortable, but are more often than not unhealthy and keeping us down in that rut and causing us to repeat things. And then the only reason we even get out of those cycles at all is because we find temporary fixes that we fool ourselves into thinking will be a long term fix when, deep down, we know otherwise. And the reason we know otherwise is because we truly didn't need to change anything. Not really. We didn't need to self reflect or truly think on the root problem causing things. Instead, we found something easy that allowed us to feel better for the moment and that was enough. Trust me...... we ALL do this. And we all do this often. Some more so than others and some to a greater degree to a level where depression and hurt are far more painful. The thing is this..... take a moment to step back. Take a moment to truly see the issues for what they are. And then... then take that moment to see what you can do to change things because trust me, things will need to change and those changes will NOT be easy to implement. But only with that change will you find long term and lasting happiness. I do hope you find it. You and others like you who find themselves in similar situations also deserve it. So may you find it sooner than later.
 
I'm a bit under the weather so I may be more scarce/slightly uninspired for a few days, guys. Just letting everyone know!
 
I'll be out of town from tomorrow morning until Friday evening. <3 Apologies to any partners who'll need to wait for correspondences. I'll miss you guys.
 
I cannot put into words how angry, hurt, and discouraged I am. I understand that life happens, people can't help that, and that's totally fine. The problem is that I'm really starting to doubt if I'll ever find exactly what I'm looking for. That's why it hurts. I know I ask a lot, I guess I can be picky, but I don't think I should have to settle.

I love the partners that I do have, even when things can't work out, whether temporarily or permanently, and I never wish anyone anything but the best. But I'm caught between being understanding and having all of the frustration that I do. I just want to RP and have a good time. :(
 
I had a friend of mine just literally tell me she's been avoiding me lately because my depression has been worse. I understand people not necessarily wanting to be around negativity and whatnot, but how the fuck am I supposed to battle depression if a supposed friend just abandons me when things get bad? =[ She complains to me pretty frequently, about things she KNOWS will hurt my feelings, but guess what? I grin and bear it because that's what friends do. I guess I learned who my real friends are, which is almost no one.
 
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