Writing Advice Needed: Problem

[Viola]

I have been roleplaying for years but I always had one major problem...

I like to call it The List of Shes/Hes

Basically its a common problem since in roleplay you aren't in full control.

(Normally done in action scenes) Its the listing off of actions using 'He' and 'She'. (and countlessly throwing around the character's name).

Super crappy example: She saw that it was night and knew she had to hurry home. Then she spotted an odd man looking at her. She jumped in fear and ran about!

At lot of time I catch myself with a small paragraphs in my posts with a countless about of 'shes'! "She did this" "She did that!"

I know it has to do transition. But even then its:
"Then she" "Next she"

It never ends at times ;-;

Any advice on how to fix the problem I'm having?

Thanks

P.s. I hope you understand my problem. :]

 

[DareToDream]

I completely understand your problem and it's an easy trap to fall into as a writer. I struggle with it myself at times. The key, for me at least, is trying to find other ways to describe action without repeating the same words. If I might demonstrate by playing with your example some...

Sarah glanced up, her gaze catching the last of the sunset fading from the horizon, and knew it was time to get home. As she stood from the table, her eyes drifted across the room and found a man looking back. Pausing, she studied him for a moment, a trickle of fear creeping up her spine and in that moment she knew, deep in her soul, that she had to get out of there fast.

Obviously, the character name was plucked from thin air, as were the details about sitting at a table, etc but if you use the aspects of your RP scene and incorporate more action and descriptors, over time you should be able to break out of that trap.

 

[darkangel76]

Perfectly executed example there, Dare.

I think the biggest thing is knowing when to use the name vs 'she' vs transitions and other such things. But, if you follow the example Dare gave... that's EXACTLY how you'd implement such things not to mention giving your readers a very good visual of the scene at hand.

Good luck.

 

[WriteMood]

Dare hit it right on the head. Detailing things will help with your problem. In writing it is called showing versus telling.

She felt afraid when she heard his words.

Becomes-

When he spoke, the tone of his words sent a shiver of fear down her spine. Sarah's gut cautioned her not to trust this man one bit. Not with anything and, especially, not with her life.

 

[Viola]

Dare hit it right on the head. Detailing things will help with your problem. In writing it is called showing versus telling.

She felt afraid when she heard his words.

Becomes-

When he spoke, the tone of his words sent a shiver of fear down her spine. Sarah's gut cautioned her not to trust this man one bit. Not with anything and, especially, not with her life.

Even with detail. (I know my example was super crappy), it still happens. It is more the beginning of every line you want to put, "Then she" or just "she", "she" and "she".

x_x;

 

[Mr Master]

Try leading with a dependent clause. "Even whistling, she still felt nervous..." Whatever it takes to break up such a sentence. I'm also fond of making it sort of a quasi-internal monologue. "She head the shuffle of a footstep behind her. Time to leave!"

 

[As Day Fades]

Then it's a habit you need to condition yourself out of. We all go through it at some point. As mentioned, you can both restructure the sentences and use different ways of describing the person to address them, rather than getting stuck in a s/he rut.

It can be something as simple as 'the woman,' or something as colorful as 'the honey-haired maiden.' It doesn't have to be inherently fancy so long as it isn't repetitive. If you find yourself stuck in the middle of your post then just complete it as normal while the inspiration is fresh on your mind, but then go back before you submit it and see where you're using certain words too much, see where you could benefit from breaking it up. Not every description should be colorful, mind you, the simple ones are just as important. Do try to not use the same one more than twice in a row though.

A decent exercise is doing that with posts you've written recently, things on your current skill level but not completely fresh on your mind. I'll sometimes take an entry I wrote one to four weeks ago and consider how I can improve it line-by-line while maintaining the feel I was going for. Even if I liked how I originally wrote it, I"ll force myself to approach it from a different angle and use different ways to describe things just for the sake of conditioning that flexibility.

You could also put in some time on www.thesaurus.com if you're stuck on a specific word.

(Others seemed to have covered this perfectly before I got here. I hope this was more of a helpful addition than a digression.)

 

[Barghest]

I'm going to take Devil's Advocate here: There's absolutely nothing wrong with the whole "he/she" thing; in fact trying to find colorful synonyms can sometimes hurt the pace of your story. Not to knock on As_Day_Fades, but if I read "honey-haired maiden" where "she" would work just as well, I think that would take me out of the narrative. I firmly believe that good writing should be "invisible" in the sense that you want your reader to pay attention to characters and plot, not the size for your vocabulary.

It's the same sort of problem when people try to think of alternative phrases for "said;" usually the end result is stilted writing. I think Elmore Leonard put it best in his rules of writing: "If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it."

http://www.kabedford.com/archives/000013.html

That said, I do the things I'm arguing against all the time.

 

[As Day Fades]

Your point is a valid one. There are times where we can use words to seamlessly enhance the vision being created, but there are also times where it comes off as a mite distracting, even just enough to put a slight bump in the flow. So it's all about knowing when and where.

The problem Viola expressed was with an overuse of s/he; that it's easy to fall into a pattern where it's all you use, multiple times in a row, and it ends up being repetitive. In the same way as a too-detailed detail can take someone out of what's going on, so can that. So while they're a standard go-to, it's a question of how to seamlessly avoid their overuse.

 

[Ghostsforlunch]

Following is a test paragraph. Maybe we can turn all this good advice into a game. We all like games: even those disagreeable bastards out there who read that last sentence and disagreed.

Yolanda ate a jalapeno. She felt sick. She thought she would die. She opened the fridge. She couldn’t find the milk. She vowed to never eat another jalapeno as long as she lived.

Pimp yo’ transitions, boyeeeee:

Yolanda ate a jalapeno and suddenly felt sick. She thought she would die while she opened the fridge but couldn’t find the milk. She vowed to never eat another jalapeno as long as she lived.


Dependent up some phrases:

Yolanda ate a jalapeno. Feeling sick, she opened the fridge. Unable to find the milk, she vowed to never eat another jalapeno as long as she lived.


Get down with creative punctuation:

Yolanda ate a jalapeno; she felt sick. She thought she would die. She opened the fridge: no milk. She vowed to never eat another jalapeno.


Go time traveling:

Yolanda opened the fridge. She couldn’t find the milk. She had eaten a jalapeno and had suddenly felt sick. She thought she would die. She vowed to never eat another jalapeno as long as she lived.


These are examples. Maybe other people can insert more but with fewer double entendres. I don’t advocate using all of these in every sentence, but sprinkle some here and some others there and you are on your way to some spicy RP gumbo (or equivalently delicious and spicy food).


You’ll notice that in none of the above examples do I use descriptive language, simile, or metaphor. You don’t need those to vary the flow of your writing (as they, for the most part, only slow you down (as alluded to by Barghest)). But like the devices above, they can be used in moderation to great success.

If you want to go hard you can even get a style manual. If you do please feel free to come back and drop some of your own advice (like it’s hot). Sentence fragment.