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Hordes of Revenants

- getting naked in public totally wasn't a dream
-- somehow I don't feel humiliated/ashamed
--- there has been zero social fallout

- earlier today I went out with Perky to a bar
-- I ran into the guy the ex- before last had cheated on me with
--- he gloated at me about how she had gone for him and about how it was due to his status as a government endorsed murderer (i.e. Marine)
---- in a fit of drunk rage I dragged him out of the bar and made him bite the curb
----- then he bought me a drink (so I wouldn't break his jaw)
------ I still fucking hate that guy, but not so much anymore, since he is now my bitch

- today Perky told me she has trouble falling asleep if she doesn't drink
-- this explains some things
--- at least she's not a raging alcoholic
---- it is wrong for me to judge since I am admittedly someone who can get into the substance abuser mindset/habit really easily

- I scared Perky when I threatened that guy
-- nothing has made me feel that bad in a long time
--- not that I was about to break that asshole's jaw (fuck that guy) but that I scared Perky
---- I promised to go into anger management
----- I start on Wednesday

- I conveniently forgot to tell her I was in anger management when I was eight, ten, twelve, fourteen and sixteen.
-- it never really took all that well
--- better than I used to be, I guess
---- never really took that well, anyways
 
- the anger management class is in the basement of this Episcopal church
-- reeks of mold
--- I am frustrated by being told that I "have a problem" and "need to accept Jesus' forgiveness".
---- I'm looking for a nontheist alternative
 
- today was long
-- Perky took me out to spend time with a coupled pair of her friends who happen to be utterly dysfunctional and should not be with anybody, much less each other
--- the man in the situation is not a man at all (abusive) and the woman is just guuuh waaaaaaaaaay trashy
---- Perky and I had a long conversation concerning the why fors of how utterly repulsed I am by abusive men
----- there was an incident when I loudly told the trashy friend about where Catholic Community Services are, one of the three local options for free couples counseling, an unexpected nontheist service

- the BFF's underage girlfriend rolled by tonight completely fucking high out of her mind
-- background: she comes from a very wealthy family, goes to the most prestigious private school in the area, there's a local music festival on right now
--- she was hanging out in a car with her friends and they were getting stoned, a common practice, and she didn't think to ask what was going on when they put random whitish powders in the pipe
---- so she shows up completely fucked up and proceeds to babble loudly and incoherently for three fucking hours during which time she forgets where she is, what's going on, what time it is and even stopped breathing a couple times
----- tomorrow the BFF is going to have the drug talk with her, something her parents have clearly failed to do at any point her nearly eighteen year life span
------ this is what we think because why the fuck else would an otherwise smart person fucking freebase white drugs without asking what they are or opting out of an entirely optional situation?
 
Today I found out something wicked bad. For work I call business owners up and I convince them to let what I thought were insurance agents into their business to pitch them a loan restructuring package. I've had this job for about two and a half months now. I'm good at it. I have a good voice, I'm persuasive and I honestly thought I was helping people out of a bad situation.

I randomly decided to do some research on the "loan restructuring packages." It's like a deal with Satan. Here's how I was told it works: clump together all your debt, take out a loan through the insurance company at 5.5% interest, pay off that previous debt with your new loan and start paying down your new loan at 5.5%. They handily forgot to mention the clause that if you're late for even one payment it jumps to 10.5% minimum. These people are taking out loans for on average $150K. The change from 5.5% ($8250) to 10.5% ($15750) per annum is ridiculous. Fuck's sake, our target audience is business that is struggling beneath debt collection at interest rates of 9% or higher.

Fuck's sake!

I should've known this job was too good to be true. I make more than I've ever made before and I work from home and have flexible hours and I'm raking people over the coals to do it.
 
*hugs*

Unfortunately the world can be a very cruel and unfair place like that. All too often, that's the way of things.... if it's too good to be true, it probably is. Wish that weren't so. And it's also been my experience that those in professions that seriously contribute to society for the better... well, you get paid shit. Or definitely lower than you should considering how much schooling you go through, etc. for some professions only to get treated like a worthless nobody. Very very few professions truly get paid what they should. All you can do is try your best, find a profession that you love and can feel good about. If you're resourceful, the rest will indeed follow.

Then..... I know you already know this. And I know you'll find a way to make it happen. You've got a great role model you can always pull from. ;)

<3
 
So, now, instead of working full time making an ungodly sum of money (for a 21 year old with a high school education) I am going to be working part time manufacturing tofu and tempeh and have another part time job at a wheat and gluten free bakery. On the one hand I feel bad about lining people up to be fucked, on the other hand I have two years of college covered. For those of you who are not familiar with the US higher education system, this is a big deal. It took me two years of concerted effort and marginally ascetic living to get to the point where I'd be able to do this.

However, and the irony is slapping me in the face full force here, due to quitting my job I have to hold off on starting school until 2011. Yay for taking a 50% reduction in pay! Yay!

EDIT: in good news, though, my night terrors have not been knocking round my door for a full week now. This fucking rocks. It means I get restful sleep. Basically, the reason I started smoking pot and being drunk all the time when I was 17 is because I get these night terrors that wake me up and make quality sleep impossible. Since I quit smoking pot they've been coming back, but a full week without is amazing. Wonderful. Really, truly excellent.
 
- My sister committed suicide yesterday.
-- I am the oldest of six, now.
--- I am going to be spending the next little while being drunk. I will try to remove myself from posting for the next week or two so I don't make a drunken fool of myself.
 
Oh no! I'm so sorry!

I'm here if you need someone talk to :< I've gone through that (Not a close relative, but someone I viewed as such).
 
- I have been on a bit of a bender.
-- I am going to wake up and regret this.
--- Just broke up with Perky 'cause she's kind of an idiot. Called me cynical (correct) and didn't know what the word meant. Also, she wouldn't stop driniking like she said she would. Or even cut down, like she said she would. Just tried to hide her drinking from me. It's like, can't bullshit a bullshitter, y'know? I've been there, so why wouldn't I be able to tell?

- Anger management has taken a shockingly positive turn.
 
- Last night was utterly hilarious.
-- I overheard one of the most unexpected conversations when I randomly ended up at a death metal party.
Asian metalhead dude: Yeah, I guess versatility is really important.
Black metalhead dude: I mean, you're not a total top?
Asian metalhead dude: *looks shifty* No *mutters into his beer* not anymore
--- I also played a game called Drunkaroo.

DRUNKAROO​

Number of Players 2+

Supplies large soup pot, six 2x8 trays of ice, water, beer

How To Play
  • Place the ice and water into the large soup pot
  • Situate the pot of ice water between one player and the other
  • One player puts as much of their face into the ice water as possible for as long as possible
  • All onlookers scream as loudly as possible
  • The player opposite the one with their face in the soup pot opens a beer
  • When the player with their face in ice water comes up comes up the one opposite him or her slaps him or her in the face like they mean it
  • Directly there after a beer is poured into the dunker's mouth by the slapper
  • Rotate until all players and as many on lookers as possible have been dunkers
 
A little background: most of my friends and I have done or do martial arts.

- Today a friend and I were sparring with boken. We're not hella serious or anything, we do it for kicks.
-- The BFF and I decided we would learn Muay Thai and Krabi Krabong.
--- Upon hearing this the guy I was sparring with and I sat down and had a long conversation about how we can weave our respective martial arts (shaolinquan, baguazhang, tai chi, qi gong) into a performance art thing.
---- My imagination hasn't been captured this much in... A long time. It'll be a good way to work through how I'm feeling right now without drinking or taking it out on others, which I have been doing. I know it's wrong but it's been happening.
 
Today has really been a banner day.

- Wake up.
- Go to CrossFit.
- Feel like I'm going to die.
- Come home and start working on the baby back ribs.
- My father (le ffffffffuuuuu-) texts me to tell me my grandfather has died. He's an exact transcript of the text. Context: the last time my father talked to me he called me a shitty son, lit. shitty son. "Sorry to bother- Grandpa ---- died last night, on his couch, of a heart attack. Aunt ------ says he didn't suffer much. Just in case you might care."
- Tell Perky to leave me alone and stop getting drunk in front of my door.
- Called up my grandmother after busting down $40 on an Intellius people search to track her ass down only to be told I'm a disgrace for hospitalizing my father during his latest violent schizophrenic episode, but would I please be a doll and call back on Sunday the phone is really off the hook kthnxbai.
- I open my door and Perky drunkenly falls backwards into my room. I sighed and walked over her (she's tiny).
- Shoved the ribs into the oven.
- Perky was talking at me. Thus far my last nerve has been very soundly tread on. In the last two weeks my sister committed suicide and my grandfather passed away. I believe my exact words were, "Today I'm hanging out by myself. Next time you sit outside my door drinking it's mine. Thanks. You're a fuckin' sweetheart." She looked shocked/hurt/disappointed. I haven't really been anything less than painfully kind to her, even when I dumped her.
-- I really, really have been trying to be supportive. There are just some days I wanna be left the fuck alone.
- For some reason my crazy ex- Tattooface won't stop calling me. I've been seeing her around recently and she wants to get back together or some shit. I am disinterested. Three of her seven voicemails. "Hey, ZG~ It's Tattooface~ We should hang out sometime. Go to the vintage?" "Heard you just turned 21. Wanna get shitty? Call me." "Hey, ZG~ *giggle* I just got a new tattoo. Ya wanna see it? Call me."
-- I dumped this girl the cruelest way I could think of little over a year and a half ago. Suddenly, now, she's interested.
--- I've got some cracked molars 'cause of a fist fight I got into defending myself from her equally crazy ex-fiancé.
 
Last night was pretty ricockulous. I got these texts from someone I wanted to get back to and just couldn't due to a series of ridiculous events followed by my phone running out of power. Basically, I was at this venue which is someone's house and it was the way for me to get to know my coworkers at the tofu and tempeh place. Thus far I'm really liking it there. Like, I get the feeling I'm the most straight laced one there, everyone else is a musician, a punk or a relative unknown. There's a sufi I work with, which is pretty cool (to me).

Anyways. I was told this was going to be a punk show and, I guess, to a degree it was. There were three bands, each had someone from work in them, and they were; psychadelic punk, prog rock, post rock. I love prog rock and post rock. There were twenty or so people oscillating between the front porch and inside the house. It was fun. So, I got into a fist fight at one point. What happened was I showed up and this dude who I don't work with was a dick to me, called me m'am, so I basically ignored him and kept on doing what I was doing. About six beers later I mentioned to this one dude who I was having a nice conversation with that Perky said hello and the dude who had called me m'am started going on about this and that.

This and that starting out with saying that Perky was kinda cool, vast tracts of land type comments, she's tiny, blah blah blah, and then quickly devolved into calling her a cunt and a slut and just nothing good. Very uncharitable comments. So I told him to stop. I even said "please." This was, uh, about beer eight when I said please. Normally past beer five I stop saying please when I'm getting pissed. I just get the feeling this guy had no idea who he was fucking with or why it bothered me so much. At the moment I dropped the magic word it was like warm blood in the water and this guy's a shark.

We're on the porch. There is very little walkway space between the two couches. He stands up and tries to tower over me and intimidate me while I'm sitting down. This is stupid. He is my height. So I told him to sit down. Then he asked me if "that cunt" had tried to commit suicide again. About how people who commit suicide are worthless. Just stains. To my credit I didn't just punch him in the balls. I told him about my little sister and about how he needed to step off. What does he do? Calls my sister a cunt, too.

1) No woman needs to be called a cunt, ever.

2) None of my friends need to be called cunts, ever.

3) Please is a courtesy not be abused.

4) It's insensitive to be talking shit about someone's dead sister within two weeks of her passing. Just sayin'.

Long story short, I proceeded to beat the snot out of him. He only managed to hit me once, and it left just the most itty bitty bruise, nothing that'll last through the day. I have to say CrossFit really helped me out. I don't know if I would have been able to move as powerfully or suddenly pre-CrossFit. I'm kind of glad that happened, it was good to feel like I was defending the memory my sister, at the same time violence is pretty bullshit. Letting myself get that drunk is bullshit, too. I just hope none of my coworkers are frightened of me or anything. We were having a really good time, sitting around, drinking, listening to great music. Felt like we could all be friends.

Anyways, people acted like nothing had happened afterwards, so I probably didn't come off as a psychopath. I think that was just the straw that broke the camel's back on how I've been feeling. I'm not good at talking about it. My feelings. Every time I try I start to feel ashamed and weak and vulnerable. Sometimes it's like I wanna say it but I can't make myself open my mouth. Other than that the night was pretty cool. There were adventures in beer. There were adventures in music. I got to know some people.
 
-Hugs- I think if your co-workers heard anyof that conversation they would have understood completely why you kicked the crap out of that guy. That said he deserved to have his ass kicked, and congrats on the win! ^^
 
Thus far I am on Day Three of stultifying sobriety. I recently got my shit together to go to my grandfather's funeral this Friday.

Checklist -

1) Ironed formal shirt (check)
2) Gas money (check)
3) Xanax (check)
4) Beer money (check)
5) Day off (check)
6) Food for trip (marinating)
7) Sense of patience (gone)
8) Good will towards man (spent)
9) Friend (check)
10) Music (check)
11) Encroaching sense of horror* (check)

* one half of my family is full of dysfunctional, well educated, ignorant, selfish alcoholics; the other is full of dysfunctional, blue collar, ignorant, funny alcoholics. Sadly, this side of the family will be the former. At least the other side of the family makes me laugh.
 
In other (good) news, today is Day Four of stultifying sobriety. CrossFit was good. I did a shit ton of weight lifting. That was good.

Made some delicious chicken and steamed kale for breakfast. DELICIOUS MOTHAFUCKAS.

I was also told at Crossfit today that I would clean up if I were gay. I was like, "Cool, that's not very helpful to me. But thanks."

Funny story: Perky has taken to getting drunk outside my door. Never fuck your roommate, right? Anyways. So, she's sitting outside my door with a bottle of Seagram's 7 while I'm in my room being a sad sack of shit. Knocks on my door. "ZG?"

"Whaaaaat?"

"Can I come in?"

"Noooooo."

"Why not?"

"I wanna hang out by myself."

Having heard that I want to be alone she promptly opens the door, walks in and trips over the cat.
 
I'd trade you for Perky if you'd quit smoking pot. Otherwise you can keep your dudes and I'll keep my Perky. I like an equal gender ratio in my household and that would fuck it up. Also Perky's hella beautiful.

Anyways.

Yesterday I ended up falling ass backwards into about 10 lbs. of moose steak and another five of lamb chops. Yay for BFF's mom and mom's boyfriend. They think I'm cool because I helped them move, uh, three years ago. That and I'm pretty funny, I guess. Anywho.

Perky broke the fucking drier. On the one hand, fuckin', shit happens. On the other hand she had it on for six or so hours overnight and the fucker's old. So what do you expect? She set it on the autodetect feature and then got wasted and passed out. So far nothing sounds remiss, right? There's a note taped to the side of the dial you use to pick time/autodetect function/et al that literally says "shit doesn't work." So I wake up, turn off the drier, one of my roommates tries to use the fucker, it's broken. So I'm getting a couple of my friends down to work on the whole situation. One of them is going to run a line check and depending on how that works out, we can probably fix it; the other is going to take a look at the gears and motor and see what's up there. If we can't figure out what's going on between the three of us then we'll just look in CL for another drier.

However, in the mean time I'm being old timey as fuck and hanging my clothes out to dry.
 
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