Good evening, my nearest and dearest.
I must apologise for my lack of enthusiasm when it comes to BM roleplaying in my spare time at the moment. However I have an excuse. Currently I am working on a piece of theatre which will be the final performance of my entire university degree. I have written the piece we are performing which has taken up an extraordinary amount of energy simply because dialogue is something that I have avoided when possible whilst writing. On top of that we have been rehearsing for the past 11 days and so I have had little rest from the script. Add to the equation that tensions are getting high as it is so near the performance and we are a group with two members who have bipolar disorder and one guy who has schizophrenia. Consequently disagreeing with someone can be like putting a firework in a microwave.
I consider the people in the group to be my friends but I do have some issues with how close a friend they can be. As such I do not like spending lots of time with people and so I'm getting kind of uncomfortable with having to be around these guys a lot. One of them pissed me off last year, however he is a good friend, but he needs to understand that after university the friendship cannot continue. I don't want to know him for the rest of my life, or anyone else on the course. Not because I don't like them, but because I feel it is appropriate. It is going to be difficult as a lot of them are going to stay in my city for a while and so if I get a job in town I may run into them.
I want to be a completely different person to who I am today. In a years time I don't want to be me. I want to be someone who is doing something with his life, spending his time in a worthwhile fashion and not worry about relationships or any of that gay stuff.
I needed a place to vent. I feel claustrophobic surrounded by people so often. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. It's strange but this can even happen with connections over the web and as such I disappear for times and have no contact.
I see myself as an uncle rather than a father, if my brother and sister each go on and have their own families with partners. And if they let me see their children. Or if I even care that they have children. I've been contemplating lately whether or not I would care if this certain member of my group killed themselves. I settled on 'No'. For starters it would give us an instant pass and extentuating circumstances for the final piece. Secondly, this guy is a NSFC(hildren) cunt NSFC(hildren). His death would greatly please me.
I've got a portfolio to write. The thing is it's one of those essays which is actually easy to write as it's a log of our process and talking about issues we had (Lecturers love to read about how we solved problems) ideas we tried out, rehearsal process etc. It's 5000 words. I've done half of it and I can't be arsed to do any this evening. It's due in on friday. Day after tomorrow. It's 10pm Wednesday as I write these words. I write well in the mornings - I once cracked out three thousand words in two hours between 4am and 6am which included several quotes and got me a 1st for the essay. Gonna go to sleep soon, get up early tomorrow and see if I can't get the rest done before my rehearsal in the evening for which I'd have to leave at 5pm.
Killmekillmekillme
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