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Serenity
Supernova
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2010
- Location
- Lost in my own mind
I've always been kinda depressed, as long as I can remember. You wouldnt think it if you knew me, I'm the kind of preppy happy that probably drives people insane. Its not really an act or me faking happiness, but I'm never fully happy, theres this black shadow that hangs over everything and I hate to talk about it, like really hate to talk about it. Mostly because I have an extremely hard time expressing my emotions to people, no matter how much I might want to. It makes me feel weak and stupid, or I feel that they'll think I'm weak and stupid (though logically I know that talking about it doesnt make you those things) and of course every effing time I try I seem to choose the wrong person.
The very first time I tried to talk to my best friend at the time about it, she says to me, “no your fine, you don't seem depressed.” or something along those lines. So I kinda shrugged and said whatever. I was young at the time...well, younger. So I figured maybe she was right, maybe it was just me being a moppy teenager. But the depression never really went away. There's no real cause for it. I was never beaten as a child, or bullied excessively, I have a somewhat decent life with the normal struggles everyone else faces, and despite my loner nature, I have a few good friends that I have a pretty good time with. But its like this ever present black hole that threatens to pull me in. And occasionally, like these last two days, it does. And the very fact that I don't know where it stems from adds to it and makes it seem worse.
I just feel this overwhelming sadness, that swallows me. Sometimes I cant even bring myself to get out of bed or eat. And lately, like the last year, I've felt this terrible restlessness, like I'm going to go insane if I don't do something. What that something is I have no idea. And empty, I feel empty sometimes, like theres nothing left in me to give to anything. I wouldnt care if the whole world burned down around me. And sometimes I really really wish it would. I honestly don't see the point in anything, you're born, you live, you die. If you're really lucky you have people who will remember you. If not its like you never existed at all. And then theres the feeling of being trapped, like I'm living a life I have no say in. I just get so worn down.
But it does help a little to write it out and post it here. Like I said, I have a hard time expressing myself to people I know, so its a little easier to write it all out here, where you all can take it or leave it as you please.
The very first time I tried to talk to my best friend at the time about it, she says to me, “no your fine, you don't seem depressed.” or something along those lines. So I kinda shrugged and said whatever. I was young at the time...well, younger. So I figured maybe she was right, maybe it was just me being a moppy teenager. But the depression never really went away. There's no real cause for it. I was never beaten as a child, or bullied excessively, I have a somewhat decent life with the normal struggles everyone else faces, and despite my loner nature, I have a few good friends that I have a pretty good time with. But its like this ever present black hole that threatens to pull me in. And occasionally, like these last two days, it does. And the very fact that I don't know where it stems from adds to it and makes it seem worse.
I just feel this overwhelming sadness, that swallows me. Sometimes I cant even bring myself to get out of bed or eat. And lately, like the last year, I've felt this terrible restlessness, like I'm going to go insane if I don't do something. What that something is I have no idea. And empty, I feel empty sometimes, like theres nothing left in me to give to anything. I wouldnt care if the whole world burned down around me. And sometimes I really really wish it would. I honestly don't see the point in anything, you're born, you live, you die. If you're really lucky you have people who will remember you. If not its like you never existed at all. And then theres the feeling of being trapped, like I'm living a life I have no say in. I just get so worn down.
But it does help a little to write it out and post it here. Like I said, I have a hard time expressing myself to people I know, so its a little easier to write it all out here, where you all can take it or leave it as you please.
