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Anger Management (Scotty's Journal and General Bitch-Rant Corner)

Okay, so as most of you know, I haven't really been active on the forums in a while. Real life sort of put a damper on it. There was work, and my best friend's marriage. Me being the best man, I had a lot of duties to perform and a lot of things to help out with in preparation for the wedding. It's over now, and I'll be getting some of the pictures posted of us in our totally badass suits once he gets me some copies, and I find myself here once more, being active again, actually talking to people, etc.

I am sorry to anyone I've left hanging, and I promise to try my best to make it up to you. There's still a lot going on in my life, so I can't promise to be here every day, posting multiple times a day, etc. I can promise, though, that I will try to respond as soon as I can to anything. That doesn't mean I might not get writer's block now and then, or that something might not come up again, but just know that I'll try, and that's all I can do.

There are other factors that sort of have my mind occupied at the moment as well. Some of you know about it, some don't. It doesn't matter since I'm not getting into it here. What I will tell you is that I have gone through a few changes in attitude, some for the better, some not so much. It's not really a secret that our girlfriend hasn't been around for a while, but Hahvy and I have been holding up well enough, even if we do miss her very much. That has had a bit of an impact on my attitude, I'll admit, but it's nothing that will affect any RP I might be involved in, and really not something that anyone will see often at all other than those involved in the relationship directly or indirectly.

Anyway, the point is, I'm getting back in the saddle, because frankly I'm tired of watching from the sidelines. That being said, bring it on, people! Scotty is back, and has just as much attitude as ever, if not a bit more! :p
 
It's been a while since I've actually added an entry here, but I just feel the need to express myself a bit. I don't know if it's venting, or sharing, but in the last couple of weeks, particularly the last few days, I've felt...disconnected. What does that mean, exactly? Honestly I can't give an answer to that question that anyone but me would understand, most likely, but I suppose I can try. I know most of you aren't used to me being melancholy. Most of you are used to the feisty, fiery Scotty. Hell, I'm used to him too, and wish more than anything he were here, but he's not. He's out at the moment, and I can't really say for how long.

I guess more than anything I'm just kind of numb. I'm here, yet I'm not. Somewhere along the way I've started feeling like I'm losing my connection with people, like they're slipping away, and my natural reaction to that has always been to turn and walk the other way rather than give chase. I've seen too many people who fight so hard to hold onto something just to end up hurting worse when they eventually lose it, regardless of the effort to keep it close, and have experienced that myself several times before, so that now my fight or flight reflex tends more toward flight. What's the point in fracturing an already broken soul even more? Maybe it's a sense of self-preservation, or maybe it's just taking the easy way out. Is it courage enough to let go, or cowardice for not fighting? I can't really say, honestly.

Why have I not said anything before now? I think that part of my flight instincts tends to deny others the chance to stop me and make me fight, so I stay silent and subtly start severing emotions. It might not be fair, but then what really is fair? I think there's a part of me that believes I shouldn't have to point these things out, that those who care the most should be able to see the signs and either start preparing for the inevitable or grabbing hold and refusing to just let me run. In hindsight, I guess that's not really fair, as often people are occupied with their own problems and emotions and might not readily pick up on mine, so I suppose it's only fair for me to share at least something to give people a fighting chance.

Does this mean I'm going to just disappear on people? No. I'm still here. I've done the whole bit about just dropping out of sight and out of mind, and it really didn't do anything but leave me completely alone and make those who were still close to me feel abandoned. I may be a little delayed at times in getting in touch, or responding to people while I wrestle with emotions that tend to drain my creativity, but I'll be here and remain active. Just keep in mind that I'm fighting an internal conflict, and at times might come off as being detached from most of my deeper emotions, and that it's not anything you've done. It's my own battle, and often I detach myself from those I care about to keep them from becoming casualties of my own personal war.

With that said, I'm still here, even if I seem a million miles away at times. Now and then I need a smack to the back of the head to get my attention. Sometimes I need to be cornered, leaving me nowhere to run so that I have no choice other than talking things through and facing these feelings. Sometimes I need to be ran down, tackled, and forced to fight. It's not an easy thing to do. Once I start constructing the walls and preparing for a fight, breaking them down is a nearly epic feat, but not impossible. I can't tell you when the best time to to confront me and when the best time to leave me alone is. That's really a matter of judgment on the part of the one pursuing.

The best advice I can give is this: Just because the feelings don't show doesn't mean they aren't there. Sometimes it just takes the refusal of people to let me just sever them, or the patience to let me break down my own walls. Either way, I suppose it takes a certain degree of stubbornness to keep me grounded, and the intuition to know when it's best to fight or wait it out...
 
Hey, babe.

Just know that I love you and will give you space when you need it, and take it away when you don't.

Always just a call away.

..<3
 
Awww, I'm sorry you feel that way hun. I get that way sometimes too, but I always feel better when I'm around people I enjoy being with, even if we're just sharing a meal or watching TV or Movies. I don't know if it's the same for you, but maybe give it a shot?

I hope you know you can talk to me whenever you want. And I'm always willing to give you free hugs. :D
 
We don't really talk outside of chat Scotty but know that I'm always there to lend an ear or just shoot the shit. Add me on IMs if you want or just send me a PM when you need to vent or chill. Sometimes, connecting with someone you don't talk to all the time helps too.
 
All of you, thanks. After a nice long talk with Hahvy, and reading what you guys have had to say, it has helped to reel me back in a bit, and I appreciate it. Candi, you never fail to make me smile when I need it, doll. Whenever I get a PM or an IM from you offering up a hug, it seems to lighten whatever burden I'm carrying around a little, and I adore you for it. Dare, you've always been a fair and understanding friend, despite the fact we haven't interacted outside of chat much. You always seem to understand me, though. It's always nice to think someone gets it, especially a member of the same gender who can probably relate more than those of the opposite. You even indulge my twisted sense of humor, so thanks for being who you are amigo.

Hahvy, I don't think I even need to say much more. We just had a talk that left me smiling like an idiot when it was over, but I'll say it anyway. You've been my rock, babe. You've kept me grounded when I've tried to float away, you've reeled me back in when I've wandered too far and started becoming too distant. You've helped heal a lot of pain, and by doing nothing more than being there for me. You never try to change me, never try to fix everything, but you simply stand by me and let me change and heal on my own while offering your support, and that's what I've needed most of all. I love you for it. Thanks babe.

Feeling a little better now, but just be patient with me over the days ahead, all. I'm working on it, and trying not to be what I've become so used to being. I'm trying to change my habits, though old habits do die hard. It's not easy for a person to fight his own nature, and to change it, but I'm making progress, even if it's baby steps.

Thank you all for the support, and even more for the understanding. You guys (and gals) are wonderful, and I couldn't ask for better people to surround myself with than those who can be found right here.
 
I'm glad I decided to look at the journal section today, otherwise I wouldn't have read this and I would have carried on.

We're very similar when it comes to that flight instinct. I know we haven't been talking as usual at all really, and it was probably all bad timing. Since I've been going through crap in my life, losing my muse, and disconnecting slowly from BM because of all the drama recently, I've been keeping to myself and assuming that it was better that way. And I already told you how paranoid I am, and I really just thought I had managed to screw up whatever friendship we had. I blame myself first before I blame others, and so my subconscious has me avoiding people. It is the only way I know how to deal with things now.

I will be sending you IMs whenever I catch you on Skype of yahoo, I haven't seen you very much and I don't know if its just because I haven't been paying attention or what. But yeah, I hope you feel better. -hugs-
 
What do you do when you come to a crossroad and there's no clear path to take? People often say to listen to your heart, and it will show you the way. What about when your heart is so broken that it starts to become numb? What do you listen to when your heart isn't speaking? How do you move forward when the instinct to start back-stepping is so overwhelming?

I'm trying to fight that instinct and push forward. I'm trying to get my heart to speak to me, but it's silent, or maybe I'm just not hearing it over the urge to flee. I guess despite all of my bravado, I'm a coward in my own way. When I start feeling like I'm going to get hurt, rather than facing that pain, I start constructing walls and hiding from it. Rather than allowing myself to feel it, I sever my emotions to avoid it, and unfortunately I can't be selective about it. To detach myself from one, I have to detach myself from them all, and as a result I distance myself from people I care about.

I wish it could be different. I wish I had the courage to let myself hurt so I could keep everything else. I used to. I used to let myself cry, I used to let myself feel pain, and therefore didn't have to sacrifice all of my deeper emotions, but too many deep wounds eventually left heavy scars, and that tissue stops feeling after a while. Sure, I'm able to eventually pull myself out from behind the walls and reclaim that part of myself that I cut loose, but there's less of me to reclaim each time, so when does it reach the point that there's nothing left to salvage and I finally just become an empty shell?

That's my greatest fear, that I'll keep severing parts of my soul until it just isn't there anymore...and without a soul, what do I become?
 
Aww, Scotty *hugs tight* I wish I could do more than just offer hugs to make you feel better. Unfortunately, I don't know what's making you hurt so much, so I can't really give any advice, and if you don't want to tell me, that's fine. I just want you to know that I'm always here, kay? If you ever wanna talk, I'm pretty good at listening and trying to give advice.

Always here with hugs for a friend. :)
 
Thanks hon. Actually I'm feeling quite a bit better now, as there has been a bit of resolution to my conflict, but it's still nice to know that people are there that care enough to offer a friendly ear. I know I'm not always the most forthcoming person when it comes to sharing my feelings with people, but I don't have to talk about the things that bother me to be comforted by a friend.

Just knowing that friend is there helps. Thanks Candi. You really are a gem.
 
So, I have been absent for a few days, and probably owe some explanations to people for keeping them waiting. I'll be back in full swing soon enough. Life has just been throwing a lot at me lately and I haven't had much time form online activity, nor have I really had the energy for it. My muse has taken a vacation without me for about a week now, but the last few days have been more family related issues. My brother is currently in the hospital, having had one surgery since Monday, and having another scheduled for tonight or tomorrow, so you can imagine it's been a hectic week.

For my friends, I'll be getting back into the swing of things soon enough. I just need to make sure things are stable at home first, then I can get my head straight enough to write again, so just be patient with me for a few more days if you will. I'm sorry to have left people hanging, but as I've said, I'll never leave anyone waiting for me for too long without dropping in to explain why. I am still very interested in continuing all of my role-plays, and will be firing off replies as soon as I get things straight at home and my muse comes back ready to put out for me again.

Thank you all for being great partners, and in many cases, great friends, and I'm looking forward to getting back to our stories and conversations.

-Scott
 
*Hugs tight*

It's alright, doll. I hope everything gets better for you and your family soon. I'm here if you need to talk about anything.
 
Oh no! I hope everything goes well, hun. Don't worry about apologizing or anything silly like that. Family and real life comes first! *hugs* I just hope you're okay. I'll be looking forward to when you can come back, but till then, just worry about what's in front of you.
 
So, little update for everyone to let them know I'm alive and well. I know it's been about a month or so since I've been active, though I have checked in from time to time just to see what's new. I apologize to everyone for not being active, though. I've just had a lot on my plate the last month or so, and life hasn't given me much of a break. I hope to remedy that soon, though I'm also about to start work again, so my time will be somewhat limited when I get back into writing. I'll be trying to get some replies out this coming week for everyone I owe them to, though I can't really promise more than once a day at this point, and I'll be doing well to get that much.

Thanks to all my friends who have offered their support while I go through this transitional phase. You're all very much loved and appreciated. I don't know what I'd do without you guys at times. You'll always have a place in my heart for all you say and do, no matter how big or small. It all makes a difference to me, and it always helps when I get a message of support from one of you. I miss you all very much, and hopefully will be back and diving head first into some stories once again.

Thanks for being my friends. You all know who you are, and I cherish the day I met each and every one of you.

-Scott
 
^ great song! I think I just missed you. I will be around for a bit longer tonight. Sounds like you've had a rough day. Wish I could give you a hug and make everything slow down! Love ya boo. <3
 
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Thanks for that ADF. I kinda needed it at this point.

First off, I want to offer an apology to all who have tried to contact me to no avail the last few days. My mother's condition worsened Thursday, and she had to be taken to the hospital. She was finally released yesterday, and I spend pretty much every day there with her, which is why I haven't been seen on here since Wednesday night. I get the feeling I'm going to bury another parent soon, and the thought truly breaks my heart. I know I'm a grown man, but 35 is still a young age to be orphaned.

As for the last few weeks, it's been a time of inner conflict for me, and in my attempt to keep from pulling others down with me into the depths I've sank to I've distanced myself from people. I'm sorry for that, but you'd have to be able to see into my heart and mind to truly understand my way of thinking when I do things like that. It's simply part of who I am, and it's hard to change what's in your nature.

Today I had a conversation that's really been several weeks in the making, and while it saddened me, it needed to be had. Sometimes change is needed, and I, along with the other party, both felt the change coming for some time, and tried to ignore it, but in the end we realized we couldn't. That's the way life is at times. You can't control where your heart starts to wander to or from, and the nature of relationships can change before you even realize it. It leaves me feeling a bit melancholy and thoughtful, I suppose, but at the same time I feel a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, especially after learning my hesitation in having this conversation was unfounded, as it turned out to be a mutual feeling. Even so, with the peaceful resolution, there's still a touch of sadness. That's natural, though. Change has a way of leaving us feeling vulnerable, exposed to the world around us.

Most of all, change shows us the future is uncertain, and many of us with our plans and goals hate to think that anything could change the path we've plotted for ourselves. I think that's the biggest part of why it leaves us feeling the way it does. We like to think ourselves the masters of our own destinies, but in the end, what seems like the most trivial of events can alter that course. The only thing I know for certain is that nothing is certain, and yet, that knowledge gives me some measure of comfort.

So, what does my future hold for me? I don't really know, but I guess I'll find out when it comes. All I know is that the path of time is not a linear thing, but dynamic, ever changing, and any string of events or choices made can alter it and send it down a completely different road. I'll see where my road leads in the end, I suppose. In the meantime, I simply plan to live and roll with the punches, maybe even punch back when I can. The real challenge is knowing when to take the hit, and when to return it.

Everything changes, and in the end, that's the only thing that stays the same...
 
Aww, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, Scotty. It's never ever easy to lose someone close to you, and I can't even imagine losing your parents. Especially when you seem so close to yours. *hugs* Try your best to be strong, okay? Who knows? Things might turn out for the better. But if you keep expecting the worst, it'll still hurt when that prophecy fulfills itself. May as well try and stay positive, right? But don't worry too much, hun. There will always be a time when you'll just feel sad, and that's okay too. Just try not to stay there in the sad place when there's not yet a reason. :)

That said, I'm sorry you had that sad discussion, but at least it's over now. I'm always here if you need more hugs.
 
Well, the truth of the matter is, I'm okay with everything. A little melancholy, sure, but otherwise, I'm fine. Or at least I will be. Thank you for the hugs, though, hon. Always nice to have someone offer some comfort, no matter how little or how much is needed. I've come to accept everything as simply being what it is, and have gotten a handle on the conflicting emotions for the most part.

That being said, there are other things I have to explore, and other conversations to be had that may yet again bring about changes in my life. They may be good, they may be bad, but I'm hoping for the best and that it all works out. Where one door closes, another opens I suppose, and thankfully I still have a good friendship even after the closing of the previous door. Now to open another and see where that path leads. Time will tell.
 
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