Poly relationships

[Luna]

Really now?

Maybe I should start making connections through you, because here the norm is a Dom and two slaves.

That's what many dominants want, and when they get two or more, are happy to claim to have. The reality of the situation isn't nearly so healthy.

Usually one or both of the 'slaves' in such instances is not in the slightest happy about it, no matter what they may say. Even if they are happy with the other sub, the 'dom' takes to the one that suits their shallow preferences more and the other one feels neglected.

Whereas with a sub having two doms, it's very often an explicitly open relationship, and the sub has experience with a number of doms so they can't get away with the sort of bullshit that people often claiming the title attempt, and don't even try. The sub chooses one as their primary and life is good. But then it's also very explicit that sex and play are not the same thing as love.

I believe that. Subs tend to be really bad about communicating. I'm having trouble connecting with a possible sub that my Dom is thinking about because she's ignoring me. She ignored me when my Dom and I first started talking and she actively pushed me away from him because she couldn't handle my presence or whatever. I told him I was worried about her because she was a hazard, and he told me that he wouldn't choose having two subs over both of our feelings.

Since she was the one who has a problem though, there really wasn't a choice to make.

 

[supersnuffy]

To be honest, I let people do what they want to do as long as it's not decieving, like cheating, which I suppose this isn't seeing as consent on all parts is involved. I don't really see why what somebody else does should concern you unless it IS 'decieving'. If you don't like it, stay away from it, I suppose.

 

[Exodus]

I think there is a certain idealism that comes along with polyamory that can be misleading and dangerous. I myself do not like it, would never engage in it, and would worry deeply for anyone that I was close to who was dabbling in such things. Certainly, if you would be happy doing it then go ahead and be happy doing it. But there is a reason this lifestyle is so intensely stigmatised, and there is a reason that the entire foundation is based on an archaic, patriarchal structure.

I do not believe in “one true love”, and I certainly believe that you can love more than one person. But to me, love is the exclusion of the rest of the world; it is a state of selective inclusion into the world of another, and I simply do not see room for another person in that.

Humans, specifically men, are not biologically primed to engage in monogamous activity. Women, however, are more likely to be suited for a monogamous lifestyle and will engage in deep pair bonding. Women are especially inclined to being able to bond with other women and would thrive together in a polyamorous situation, as this has been naturally selected in the primate species for millions of years.

Just as I believe that there is no “one true love”, I do not believe in someone not having a personal agenda or some level of selfish intent. I believe that a man who is skilled and charismatic can offer a woman what she feels she is missing and do it in such a way that she does not feel as if she is compromising what she deserves. And that man may enjoy making all of his 'wives' happy, but I guarantee he is enjoying making himself happy as well. What interests me is how easy it is to accept another woman into the relationship, but if the subject of another man broaches it is almost always out of the question. To be one of many women dedicated to one man is not equal, no matter which way you put it. You may have other women on your side, but there is an inverse sex-power relationship. In most situations, there is one man being loved by many women, and many women only being loved by one man.

A typical pattern is found in these types of relationships, where the initial honeymoon period will subside and more and more compromises and sacrifices are being made. The love, trust, and allegiance of one person is a lifelong struggle under the best of circumstances - having someone else to distract what is supposed to be a partnership will only complicate things.

After the honeymoon period in any relationship, love is not easy. And by love I mean the true love, the love that does last forever - or for as long as nature allows. You can be head over heals from the time you are 16 to 90, but none of it will have been easy. At times it will seem impossible, painful, incoherent, futile, and plagued with distractions.

My belief and my suggestion would be that if you want a love that lasts a lifetime, love yourself before you love anyone else, and only then find someone who loves you so completely there is no room in his/her heart for anyone else.

Now, this may not be the case for you and your relationship, and I don’t mean to lecture by any means. You can do what you want. But you should be aware of the risks and reality of the dynamic of that type of relationship before investing in it, because there simply is no way to spin it that does not weigh one sex over the other.

Do the research, do what feels best – but be careful, be aware, and be prepared for any consequences should they arise.

I'd also suggest looking into "swinging". What I find attractive about that is the ability to explore and enjoy and be intimate with other people, to have relationship - while keeping in mind the security and absolute faith in the love you have with one person. You are equals, and you are respectful and open and exploring the world as team.

 

[0The0Midget0]

The heart wants what the heart wants?

I've never taken a serious thought to the concept of poly as I've yet to master, or be in for that matter, a relationship with one person.

In my opinion you should always do what ever makes you happy. If that means being involved with more then one person then go for it. If you say you love more then one person then alrighty then, ok. I believe that it is possible to love more then one person at a time, we as humans do it all the time. But to be in love with more then one person at a time? I'm not so sure about that. To me, to be in love with a person and to love a person are completely different things. Because I'm not quite sure how to explain it in words I'll move on.

I myself honestly couldn't go through with a poly relationship. Although I've never dated before I know I am a very emotionally needy person. About six years ago when I was in sixth grade I found myself mad at my mom and dad because of their divorce. Or well, I was depressed over that, but I was upset when I had found out my mom was getting into another relationship so soon after the divorce. I was asking her why me and my younger brother were enough, why our love wasn't enough for her, why she needed some else, why she couldn't just love us and us alone. I was twelve then, I'm eighteen now, I can only imagine how much worse that emotional neediness has gotten. So me splitting a partner with someone else may they be man or woman? Oh no, no, no, no, no. I don't see that going over well at all.

 

[Hahvoc The Decepticon]

Humans, specifically men, are not biologically primed to engage in monogamous activity. Women, however, are more likely to be suited for a monogamous lifestyle and will engage in deep pair bonding. Women are especially inclined to being able to bond with other women and would thrive together in a polyamorous situation, as this has been naturally selected in the primate species for millions of years.

I think you're confusing love with sex here. Men and women are both capable of having multiple partners, quite obviously. Women are prone to having one man as the provider while men were the type to "spread their seed willy nilly."

Most guys don't do that now. Most men will have sex to find the proper partner for them while women are more prone to wait it out to see if they have a suitable provider. Most guys I know only want one woman to love for the rest of their life and search endlessly for their perfect woman while I know some women who fuck guys just for the hell of it and juggle a couple of boyfriends at once.

Poly can't really be stereotyped or labeled as "well men are more capable" or "not designed really for it." Men are capable just as women are capable. We aren't in the stone age anymore.

Sure, men can say "Oh hey, I'd love two girls at once." but it's a fantasy, and not a reality. Most men only want two women at once to sleep with and just enjoy for a night. Women can say the same thing about men. It's the same thing as people saying, "I'd love to have Twins. Two is always better than just one!" And that reality is that they want that person as much as possible.

However, I strayed a little bit off-topic. People are capable of whatever they can use their willpower and brain power. Things feel right to different people. Poly can just be one of those things.

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And women don't necessarily thrive in a "poly" relationship. They help care for children together, doesn't mean they want to fuck like monkeys.