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Poly relationships

L

Luna

Supernova
Joined
Jan 9, 2009
I thought this would be a good topic for Bluemoon because my current website is very open about this subject and is hardly a topic of discussion. Its more of "it is what it is" over there.

I haven't roleplayed in quite some time because I have moved onto "in real life things", and I have been exploring what I would have only roleplayed about last year. It's something known as simply "The lifestyle", and it suits me just fine now. After a few weeks of researching I went out to meet some kinksters(safely of course) and found a good connection with a man who identified himself as poly. Of course I wasn't the least bit interested in him when we first met but I loved the way he thought and how he explained why he is the way he is.

Until now poly was something only mormons and selfish men and desperate women did. I never believed anyone was capable of loving more than one person. Then after having a few discussions with him, I realized that it wasn't all about falling in love with more than one person or having sex with multiple partners. It was simply about being happy, and not denying yourself the opportunity to be happy because those moments are so rare.

I'm now in the process of exploring polyamory with this man and his wife, after a month of getting to know them both and learning about how to deal with it all. I am also actively pursuing Hedonism.

So I guess the discussion here is, do you agree with poly? Is it something you could/would do?
 
I think being happy with multiple people is definitely possible. You don't have to have sex with someone to love them or be happy with them. Surrounding yourself with the people you care about is a human right.

If you happen to have sex with these people- alright then. If that makes you happy, do it. As long as you are not destroying someones life. (Like if you were just with the guy and his wife didn't know- that would NOT be ok)
 
Ishu said:
I think being happy with multiple people is definitely possible. You don't have to have sex with someone to love them or be happy with them. Surrounding yourself with the people you care about is a human right.

If you happen to have sex with these people- alright then. If that makes you happy, do it. As long as you are not destroying someones life. (Like if you were just with the guy and his wife didn't know- that would NOT be ok)
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I agree with that there. Being happy at someone elses expense isn't right. I definitely would not pursue relationships without gaining the significant or primary's consent.
 
Then you have my vote, lol! ^^ I don't see anything wrong with it as long as everyone agrees to it.


It could become a problem if kids are involved but I think if their parents teach them about the norms and tell them "This life we have is not normal. But we like it and you have to choice to like or dislike it. We only care about your happiness." Then again- go for it. :)
 
I've never been a believer in "one true love" situations. And if you can love more than one person, then why couldn't you love them simultaneously? In other words, I could easily be poly.

But again, that's something you youngsters seem to have available in your cultural contexts that I, a mere couple of decades older, never really had the option to pursue. Damn it all!
 
Ishu said:
Then you have my vote, lol! ^^ I don't see anything wrong with it as long as everyone agrees to it.


It could become a problem if kids are involved but I think if their parents teach them about the norms and tell them "This life we have is not normal. But we like it and you have to choice to like or dislike it. We only care about your happiness." Then again- go for it. :)
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I've met the children of people in the life style and as long as your honest with them at the appropriate time they seem to be understanding. :)
Mr Master said:
I've never been a believer in "one true love" situations. And if you can love more than one person, then why couldn't you love them simultaneously? In other words, I could easily be poly.

But again, that's something you youngsters seem to have available in your cultural contexts that I, a mere couple of decades older, never really had the option to pursue. Damn it all!
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Aww, well I actually don't see too many people around my age.

I'm sure you could still give it a go if you wanted. :p
 
I think it is a delicate situation that needs to be approached with maturity and acceptance. I also think that if you choose this lifestyle you need to be able to blow people off. Christians are going to throw a riot if they are given the chance and all you can do (and win at the same time) is shrug, smile and walk away.
 
I'm probably going to avoid Christians with the subject. Which will be hard considering my mom entire family is.
 
I agree that avoiding them is the best thing to do- but sometimes it just comes out and you can't avoid it. They know and you have to make a choice. I just think it is something you should be prepared for- especially because your entire family is Christian.
 
I don't really agree with it. But that's my opinion because of my personality. I'm possessive and territorial of the person I'm with - especially if I love him. It's, what I believe, a biological reaction that most people don't consider and just condone it as something else. People are territorial beings -but not everyone is, just like not everyone is poly.

Being bisexual makes it a little tougher. I've had crushes on people while being in love with my ex, but I only wanted to be with my ex. I also believe the lifestyle makes it harder to find like-minded people because a lot of people have the mindset of "It's not right."

As Ishu said, if you are happy, then good on you. If you are able to deal with it, then more power to you. I'm not the type to share except in only very special situations, but that's just what's deep-seated in my system.
 
I find poly relationships fascinating but strongly question my ability to be a part of one. I love and crave the attention my man gives me and if it were to be diverted, I think (know) I could (can) turn into a nasty little bitch. Now, that being said, I have had my share of girl crushes. Though it is few and far between, I think it would take someone extremely special to sway me to give a poly relationship a shot.
 
As this is an open discussion on the topic, I'll gladly share my experience with poly (I knew it as polyamory). I'll warn you though, it is not a positive experience.

I'm not a fan myself (you'll see why) but this isn't going to be a post that rail's against the morals of a polyamorous relationship. Let's just call it a cautionary tale that shows how complicated relationships can be if all parties aren't open, honest, and respectful.

I was in a long term relationship with a philosophy major in college. He was a friend first and it took a while for us to become "a thing". At first he seemed madly in love with me, but soon started talking about polyamory, just as "something to think about". I was clear that it wasn't something I was interested in, and he assured me that he was really just kidding. A year into the relationship and he calls me up one day out of the blue and asks, "So have you changed your mind about polyamory? Because I met this gorgeous, wonderful, funny, amazing woman... but I think you're sweet and still want to be with you too!".

There was a lot of arguing and rehashing old conversations. But ultimately, that was the end of our relationship and a beginning of a downward spiral for me emotionally. I was left (for many reasons - some from my own issues outside the relationship) with feelings of inadequacy, lack of trust, and a desire never to be in a position to get hurt like that again.

Yeah, in hindsight, he was a colossal jerk, and yeah, I guess I had fair warning that it was coming. Oddly enough, he married her. :p So A) phew! dodged that bullet and B) he probably just didn't want to lose a booty call and was too chicken to dump me himself.

Moral of the story: As in all relationships, be careful where you tread. Anytime love and intimacy get in the mix, there is room for betrayal and hurt feelings. I believe, however, the more people / more potential for more people in a relationship, the risks grow exponentially and you have to be that much more cautious about how your actions may affects others.

I have a knight in shinning armor now that has helped me get through a lot of the baggage that I still had, and how lucky am I, I get to keep him all to myself!! :heart:

P.S. - Again, I really don't want this post to come across as bashing other people's choices in the kinds of relationships they enter into. Just thought a different perspective/experience might add to the conversation.
 
Surmise, I have heard a lot of bad poly experiences. Most of them have to do with people who use poly as an excuse to take advantage of others. It sounds like your ex was like that.

Communication isn't voluntary, its needed. Especially with a primary. The primary needs to know and trust the new person coming into the relationship, otherwise there is a lot of underlying tension and hurt feelings. That's actually the problem I'm facing right now, getting His primary to communicate and trust me. Until she does I'm keeping myself at a distance. She needs a lot of space and time to herself, and I understand. However, if she keeps avoiding me then I'll have no choice but to move on. There's nothing worse than walking on egg shells for months.

I have not met many successful poly couples or groups. The ones I do know have invaluable advice though and they stressed that communication and trust between all individuals is necessary. Also, never getting in a relationship without you're primary or your partners primary consent. Its just a breeding ground for drama and general negativity.
 
Interesting discussion.

Even leaving aside questions of the morality of polyamorous relationships and assuming the good intentions of everyone involved, it's just extraordinarily difficult to sustain such relationships in practice.

Look at it this way: The great majority of intimate relationships between two people fail, even with good intentions and open communication. A three-person poly relationship requires maintaining three two-person relationships, one of which you're not even part of. The odds against pulling that off are pretty overwhelming.
 
You have a way with words, Way with Words. I was thinking the same thing though.

It sure does sound like A LOT of work.
 
That's because it is a lot of work.

If it took the same amount of effort a two way relationship did, then nearly everyone would be trying to do it.

Being a hedonist, I do what gives me pleasure, makes me happy, so the odds of it being a success or a failure matter little to me. I know when to let go when I see that I'm being hurt, that its too much stress to work through or solve. :)
 
I've pretty much decided, up front, that I have no interest in limiting myself to one woman, and I'm not going to hide that from women who are interested in me.

It's made things harder, in some ways, but I'd rather tell the truth and spend a bit longer looking than simply lie to someone who loves me.

And FFS, I wouldn't dare try to bring another woman into the relationship unless they were both happy or at least on good terms with each other. I have no interest in forcing a girl to be a third wheel.
 
It does make things a bit harder for me too. I do enjoy my relationship with my Dom but I also feel a bit lonely because I can only see him on weekends. So I would like to find a Dom that I can be primary to.

Having two subs is super easy, but two Doms? Yeah.
 
I personally have no problems with polyamory if all the people involved are all right with it. I mean, if it makes those people happy then there you go. I, personally however, could not go there. I'm an emotional creature and get attached and know for a fact I'd be a mess if I had to share. Being the sort of person I am, I'd wonder why I wasn't enough and would wonder what it was I was doing wrong to not be able to satisfy and please my partner. All the reassurances in the world wouldn't get me to think otherwise. So, as you can see, I'm not mentally or emotionally capable of such a relationship. >.< But again, I reiterate, what doesn't work for one can very easily work for others. Though it's so totally not for me, I do think it can work. But I also do think that such relationships take a significant amount of trust and communication. If one party isn't happy, then it shouldn't be somewhere someone goes.
 
Luna said:
If it took the same amount of effort a two way relationship did, then nearly everyone would be trying to do it.
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Luna, I still think its absolutely your right to live your life the way you want. And if you really are happy and content, good for you! But I wonder if everyone would be trying to do it if it were less work and the outside social conception of relationships were different.

Yeah, marriage/divorce rates suck and people cheat. But I think that there are still a significant portion of the population that have an idealized monogamous relationship in their mind when they think about "love". Now, some people are serial monogamists... never in the same two-person relationship very long. And our Blue Moon community, given how open many people are to different lifestyle choices / options, might be more open to poly relationships than nation/world wide.

Either way, if everything was truly fair in love and war, I still don't see polygamous relationships as being the choice of the majority.

Just my jaded opinion. :p
 
It was a bit of exaggeration on my part. However, I still think that if it were just as easy as becoming boyfriend or girlfriend then more people would do it. It would become more of a norm, and therefore it would be more accepted, so even not counting the religious fanatics and the people who are generally hard wired for monogamous relationships, there still would be a great deal of people who would want to pursue it. Mostly because more people would be educated about it.

Even though I don't agree with cheating, I do believe that less people would cheat if they tried poly. My Dom and Vekseid have both stated being with one woman would not make them happy. I believe that a lot of people who are actually poly refuse to come to terms with this because our societies culture has taught us how wrong it is to have more than one partner. If they're dishonest in general, than poly also isn't for them. You can still cheat in a poly relationship if you do anything without your primary's consent. It betrays their trust.
 
Luna said:
It does make things a bit harder for me too. I do enjoy my relationship with my Dom but I also feel a bit lonely because I can only see him on weekends. So I would like to find a Dom that I can be primary to.

Having two subs is super easy, but two Doms? Yeah.
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Most of the healthy poly relationships I am aware of involve two doms and a sub.
 
Vekseid said:
Luna said:
It does make things a bit harder for me too. I do enjoy my relationship with my Dom but I also feel a bit lonely because I can only see him on weekends. So I would like to find a Dom that I can be primary to.

Having two subs is super easy, but two Doms? Yeah.
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Most of the healthy poly relationships I am aware of involve two doms and a sub.
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Really now?

Maybe I should start making connections through you, because here the norm is a Dom and two slaves.
 
I think poly's just fine. I've never been in a poly-relationship, but I've fallen in love with more than one person at the same time. I still am in love with two people at the same time.

It's weird, but it happens.
 
Luna said:
Really now?

Maybe I should start making connections through you, because here the norm is a Dom and two slaves.
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That's what many dominants want, and when they get two or more, are happy to claim to have. The reality of the situation isn't nearly so healthy.

Usually one or both of the 'slaves' in such instances is not in the slightest happy about it, no matter what they may say. Even if they are happy with the other sub, the 'dom' takes to the one that suits their shallow preferences more and the other one feels neglected.

Whereas with a sub having two doms, it's very often an explicitly open relationship, and the sub has experience with a number of doms so they can't get away with the sort of bullshit that people often claiming the title attempt, and don't even try. The sub chooses one as their primary and life is good. But then it's also very explicit that sex and play are not the same thing as love.
 
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