There was a time when I wanted it all, and I wanted it now. I wanted to explore everything; to try everything once, and twice if it felt good... a lot of things felt good.
But now, I'm out here, and I'm trying to come back to creative writing & smut... and idk what happened between then and now, but I'm just so out of touch -- there's things I want, or rather things I DONT want, and Im getting caught up in so many things; like I know the problem is within me, but I dont know why...
"You know what happened... you know why you quit."
Oh, yeah... that day. The day I realized that things were getting too... corrupt. It was your story, what made me realize it.
"Only my story? Puh-lease. Don't pretend it wasn't everywhere... I had just killed someone's husband, and was performing indignities on the wife who had wished it... and her enthrallment. She took me in every orifice -- and you called for the stop. But was it really just me?"
"You had finally gotten around to taking my Origin, but you wanted to get heavy with it. Tied to a ceiling -- it was occult-based, gang-related non-con. Someone asked, and you answered. And once the other writer had their fill... they ghosted you. I believe that was only, what, a few weeks before the day?"
"I was getting DP'd by two ferals; I dont even remember how i got there! But also... not long before that, there was the unicorn incident..."
The unicorn incident was different. That was between me and a writing partner I knew for years -- no one was willing to do it; I had been there for many pairings with that OC; watched them come into their own as a fleshed-out character. What they wanted... it was respectful. It was... genuinely beneficial. Pure. It had story implications for tentative and personal headcanon -- I was honored to have participated.
"Precisely... so, don't pretend you didn't have a part to play. This is something you've always known; you knew people had these desires in the back of their minds -- You just didn't think they'd exist behind every set of eyes... but that isn't a bad thing."
"What sets them apart from animals, is their conscientiousness and unwillingness to act upon those thoughts -- they didn't bring those things into reality; they didnt become kidnappers, murderers, rapists... and that's what makes them human. Its what defines them as good."
I suppose you're right...
"There IS no supposing; I am right, and that's that... And now, come to find out your betrothed has discovered 'dark romance'... You came back here for a reason; to rekindle that flame and restructure within your brain, the safe and sane way to pursue such fancies, did you not? Well, before you do that ~~ you're gonna have to get your hands dirty, first..."
I was just hoping that what Id be getting back into wouldnt be so... linear... I had hoped that in coming back to such a scene, there would be people willing to "work with layers", as it were; plot complications, twists, dynamics that keep things interesting...
"You sound like someone who would be looking for love in an RP! ... We know youre not, but Christ on a cupcake; do you even hear yourself talk?"
"You come to this place, where people can strip away their societal sensibilities; where they can more freely and safely express themselves, and you expect them to conduct themselves in a manner with as much depth as you do -- that is unbelievably selfish, and you know it."
"You make it sound like you've forgotten how to be selfless for the people you love ~~ in fact, you used to do it so freely; it's why we are the way we are..."
Alright; I cannot deny what you're saying. But what if we get too bogged down from all the sinfulness again? You can't tell me self-respect is a bad thing to have -- if being selfless is the way to go, as you say; where do I draw the line?
What you should be asking is SHOULD you draw the line? ... Is what you're clinging to a set of boundaries, or are they a set of expectations? Everyone writes differently; you have had people write entire novellas and quite literally couldn't see the forest from the trees -- you have written novellas in partnership with one who wrote merely replied in single paragraphs, but used her words with weight and intent... One story faded into obscurity -- the other carried poise to term.
There were opposite instances, too. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but I rose to my most powerful in a saga whose replies dwarfed such numbers, mmh...
Ohh, but there is also the matter of kinks. Mama always said to remember "their kinks are okay" and to never shame -- and yet, you seem to almost quietly be doing just that! The nerve...
This may seem like an ensemble of me writing to myself in various forms, but... that really is something I genuinely didn't think of myself as doing. But now that I think about it; I suppose that trying to draw some lines in the sand regarding how I approach heavy smut and dark romance was, in fact, me quietly gatekeeping more extreme kinks -- which would be fine in a realistic context, but there's something to be said about the safety of creative writing...
... I'm gonna be the opposition here, and say that that's where what you're referring to gets really muddy. Self-respect and boundaries are a good thing to have -- I mean, everyone else has them! It practically seems custom to have an elaborate and pensive F-List just for that reason!
It's not that... it has to be something else. I've always been supportive of other people's desires and fetishes; I've always had a certain knack for swinging even more taboo concepts into being nuanced while leaving enough room for me to have my fun...
So, it's not the writers (people)...
...or their desires..
... It's not boundaries, or expectations...
So, what is it?
What is it I'm so afraid of?
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