Lucian would never judge her. Alexandria probably didn't know this at least not for a fact, and he knew the worry would be there, he felt it himself with his own secret but he would never judge or look down on her for this, he was just sorry it had come down to it at all. He was sorry he hadn't been able to protect her enough, safeguard her from needed such an outlet. When she opened the door for him she couldn't even look at him, he knew how that felt, what she must be thinking. He'll judge me, he couldn't understand. He'd felt the resistance as he'd taken the razor from her trembling hand, he'd felt relief when he'd managed to take it from her without an accident happening. He knew she was probably careful...he trusted her but how careful could you possibly be when it came to cutting yourself? Accidents happened, one slip and she would need to go to the emergency room, she would need to face doctors, answer questions and would no doubt be put on a psychiatric hold. He didn't want to put her in any danger, not even from herself, but stopping something like this wasn't easy...he knew that from experience.
He'd promised to tell her that secret of his too, the price of his admission into her room. It was hard to start speaking, harder to do it without looking at her but he didn't want to see how she looked at him. Did he think she'd judge him? No more than he judged her, but there could be other emotions...fear, pity, things he didn't want to see in her eyes so he'd avoided it for the most part. He let the shame wash over him, punishment for not protecting her from this, for having to tell her in the first place, felt the blush as he mentioned the sexual parts of it and he only braved looking at her when he'd finished speaking and taken time to breathe. Why was breathing becoming harder? He only looked at her when he had to, met her eyes to let her see that she wasn't alone, they were both fucked up, and then again when he heard the last words he expected from her.
Show me.
He'd turned back to her then, his eyes slightly widening, and he'd stared. Opening his mouth to speak, to answer her, it hadn't born fruit because he had no way to answer it, nothing to say to a request like that. When it came down to it, he rarely hurt without the sexual part, they were intrinsically linked for him in a way he simply didn't know how to separate so the thoughts that suddenly entered his mind were not thoughts he wanted, not things he should be thinking of. The silence stretched, broken only when she begged him and he felt his heart ache. He did say he'd help her, he had promised but images of her in tears had started to creep into his mind, more than just the beginning of tears that he could already see, images of her without those clothes, thoughts of what she'd sound like if he actually hurt her, what her whimpers would sound like, her sobbing. Would she beg for more or beg him to stop? Would he listen, to either? He didn't know...this was a dangerous idea and he knew it, knew that it would be hard if not impossible to hurt her and not feel pleasure from it, sexual pleasure. He loved her...loved her in a way he'd never let himself love anybody else, what would happen if he also started to desire her?
The silence was stretching on and on and on, she was looking back at him with those pleading eyes, begging for help from her big brother and he knew he was going to crack before it happened, knew that holding out like he was would end, was futile. Slowly he started to move, reached out for her wrist and pulled her towards him. It wasn't like normal, it wasn't gentle, he all but dragged her off the bed and to her feet so she would stand in front of him, closer to eye level than she had been, and his other hand came up to her face. He brushed aside the strands of her hair gently, used his thumb to wipe away the tears that were already there. "I love you, Lexi. I love you more than anything, I love you and I never want to hurt you, I never want you to suffer..." It was the truth...and a lie. He did want to hurt her...he meant it in a different way but the words were the same. His voice trembled slightly as he spoke the next words. "Don't hate me...don't hate me for what I do to you, don't fear me...please..." He needed her to not be scared of him, he knew he wouldn't be able to take that but as he slowly closed his eyes he knew he was going to do this, he was already thinking about it and his own hand shook as it held her wrist. He hadn't known how much he needed it...he'd been concerned about her cutting herself, concerned with trying to tame her anxiety which he knew was the catalyst and he hadn't paid attention to his own needs and now he could feel it building rapidly. When he opened his eyes again to meet hers there was something new there that she would never have seen before, they were somehow darkened with desire, he was looking at her now in a way he never had.
Like she was prey.
It was an effortless and sudden twist of his arms that made her turn in front of him, just a little of the force he could have applied to spin her so her rear faced him and then as quickly as he released her wrist his arm had snaked around her to her stomach and yanked her back towards his lap. He wasn't gentle with how he forced her over it, draped her over it and shoved her down so that her stomach rested on his thighs and her legs hung off one edge, her upper body off the other. "From now on, you won't cut." Less trembling in his voice now, it was firmer, clearer. He had never spoken to her like this, in a way that could only be taken as a command, not a hint of a request in it. "You won't hurt yourself. If you feel the need to, you'll come to me...and if I need to..." He let it trail off as he pulled her nightdress up to reveal her panties. Her body type was perfect too...he knew he was aroused, it had been obvious he wouldn't be able to separate them and he pulled her higher up onto his lap so he could feel her stomach pressed against his length, his bulge. He was huge and he growled in satisfaction to feel the pressure of there as he looked down at her rear and let his fingers slide just under the waistband of her panties. "I'll come to you. You won't cut yourself and I won't seek out girls to hurt...we'll keep each other safe and under control." He yanked her panties down to around her thighs, revealing her cute little ass and resisted the powerful urge to grab it, rub it, squeeze it. This was about the pain and the release, she wasn't a sexual partner, she wasn't, she couldn't be no matter how much he wanted her in that moment.
He didn't give her a warning as his hand came crashing down, cupped just a little so it wouldn't sting his own palm so much but with enough force to leave a ghost of a print. Pretty, ever so slightly pink on her flawless rear. No time was wasted before he did it again, and again, feeling the beginnings of that sweet release, feeling the shaking starting to stop. Three more times he did it. "Am I clear, Lexi? This is it now, this is how you get release, how I get release. This is how we help each other..." It wasn't just about that and he knew it even if he couldn't admit it to himself. Five more times, alternating the cheeks, aiming for the same spots to deepen the colour that was appearing. Then five more, and five more after that. "I'll show you everything...I'll hurt you in all the ways I need and you'll take it, won't you Lexi?" Five more, then ten, then he started to lose count and had no intention of stopping, his other hand holding her down so she couldn't get up if she tried to.
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