Feedback Request

[Wotanaz]

Hi guys,

looking for some feedback on my request thread here. It's been outstanding for a while now and I've really only been looking for 1 RP set in this world before I close it, but unfortunately haven't had many bites that I felt like would've worked out. I think this is due to two factors: a) it's an existing world and people don't like to RP in existing worlds and b) the wording of the thread is probably a little too rude. Some might say that's my personality (ahem) and charm, but I am legitimately trying to get hits on this RP and if my tone is off putting, then maybe I should re-write it.

On the other hand I have had a lot of lazy replies to the thread as well and I was hoping that the thread would sort of weed those out. Alas.

I'm open for critique so, if anyone feels like giving me a hand, I promise to take it as constructively as I can.

 

[Violet or Vi]

Everything I'll say is, of course, subjective.

I gave the thread a quick once over and I do have to agree with your own assessment. While I wouldn't call the tone rude, it certainly doesn't sound/fell welcoming if that makes sense. I can understand having something of a specific expectation for self-created worlds/characters but that can stifle the finding of potential writers. I think that's just something to except.

I would try to avoid phrases like " I'm edgy, what can I say?" to justify the 'edge' that may just come over as immature/cringe/rude. You don't have to justify why your world is grimdark.

The part about 'this is not a checklist' feels, well, like a checklist. Even more so considering that you literally list things to mention.

Just my two cents.

 

[Wotanaz]

Everything I'll say is, of course, subjective.

I gave the thread a quick once over and I do have to agree with your own assessment. While I wouldn't call the tone rude, it certainly doesn't sound/fell welcoming if that makes sense. I can understand having something of a specific expectation for self-created worlds/characters but that can stifle the finding of potential writers. I think that's just something to except.

I would try to avoid phrases like " I'm edgy, what can I say?" to justify the 'edge' that may just come over as immature/cringe/rude. You don't have to justify why your world is grimdark.

The part about 'this is not a checklist' feels, well, like a checklist. Even more so considering that you literally list things to mention.

Just my two cents.

I think you're probably right -- I did write this ages ago and I have taken a different mentality towards writing now, so it was due for a re-write anyway!

 

[Khira]

I'll leave my honest opinion here, although I'm not sure it'll be of any help! Also, I apologize in advance for the messy reply.

Anyway, I was almost intimidated by the Request Thread itself. The thread itself already felt like you would barely take on any suitors unless they sent you the perfect message. And I get it, we all want our partners to put some effort into their message. However, we don't need to know everything right off the bat. I clicked the link to the worldbuilding, and I'll admit that I only scrolled through it. I did read a few sentences, and this is where my opinon comes in.

The fact that you've created a world is admirable, and I understand that you want to play in it! Obviously, who wouldn't like to play in a world they've created? I would!
But, for someone who is just considering roleplaying with you, it's a lot to take in. It's a lot to read, if only to realize in the end that

1. There's nothing in this world that intrigues you enough to actually send a message regarding an rp after all
2. You're not a good match style or kink-wise, and now you've "wasted" a lot of time and effort/energy
3. What you add to the table is not good enough and now you've come up with a plot/character you have to throw in the bin​

I feel like there has to be a way to shorten some of the information to make people interested enough to want to try to come up with a plot/character to fit into this world, and then after you've landed on something, you can direct them to the parts that need to be read in order for the roleplay to make sense. Or maybe, after you've settled on something, then they can read through the rest of the information. But right now, it's too much for someone who doesn't know whether or not they want to rp with you.

That being said, and I'm not judging here, but speaking from my own experience ;; you don't have any writing samples or open threads that show people your writing style. And many people would like to see how you write before considering to write with you. Sure, you show your writing 'skills' through the worldbuilding posts but that's not the same as actually roleplaying. I've roleplayed with a lot of partners throughout the years, and often they are great writers with perfect grammar and yet our writing styles and preferences just don't line up sometimes.

After putting in the amount of effort you require from your partners, it would be such a disappointment to figure this out after a post or two into the roleplay. Or even during the plotting phase, after you've read through all that information. I see where you're coming from, and I even get that a lot of the information is needed to even start a roleplay or begin plotting. But, again, there has to be a way to create a short summary or some dotted list with key elements from your world, so people can feel drawn to it before reading all those posts before reaching out.

I am pretty positive that you can find great partners who are willing to go the extra mile to come up with an amazing plot and unique characters, if you don't require so much from them from the get-go. At least I would suggest giving it a try? Should you get a lot of crappy messages, then you can always change it back?

No matter what you do, I hope you'll eventually find someone who wants to write great stories with you!

 

[Wotanaz]

@Khira, thanks for the insight, that's actually really valuable advice. When I rework the thread I'll be sure to incorporate those elements. I did have a simpler thread before but deleted it precisely because I was getting too many crappy responses ("hey, do you wanna RP?" type responses), so it was partially written in frustration, hah.

I'll admit I am not entirely sure how to essentially strain the world down to it's core components. Obviously there's a lot going on in the world, and I've always struggled with wordiness and not being able to be concise. I might have to go back to the drawing board and distill what makes the world tick and what's not so important.

Do you think it'd be helpful to bring the plot back to some concise plot ideas, rather than a sandbox to build a new plot in?

 

[Khira]

Glad I could be helpful! I do know how frustrating it is to get those "wanna rp?" messages, but you don't have to feel bad for ignoring them or saying no when you've written in your request thread that you expect at least a little bit of effort. I certainly don't. But those messages aside, there are still a large amount of people who would put in the effort to write a decent message when reaching out, regardless of having to read through thousands of words first.

You do not need to shorten the worldbuilding or those posts at all. Those can remain as is. The only thing you should consider is perhaps writing down the key elements from each section or in terms of the world itself, so people get a feel of how the world works without having to read through it all. Even though there are a lot of things going on in the world, perhaps some characters don't need to know about the war going on in the south if your plot revolves around a crime lord collecting a debt? Or a slave trying to escape her master doesn't need to know the history of the royal family to execute her plan. Those were two very loose plot ideas (and probably don't fit in your world at all), but I hope you get my point? What I am trying to say is ;; even though your world is big and detailed and has a lot of history, there will be plots, pairings and characters who don't need to know everything and everyone.

It might be an idea to flesh out some more specific plots, yes. That way people only need to read the information that is relevant to that plot. And, it might be easier for some to understand what type of stories you are seeking. We all have different preferences, so even though someone approached you with a story that took place in your world, it might not be a story you would like to write. So try to come up with maybe 3-4 plots, flesh them out a bit, and write down a few relevant things regarding the worldbuilding that are crucial to make this specific plot work. Or meld the worldbuilding that is relevant into the plot text itself.

Quick example ;;

Aeris is a Servant—he has sworn his life to serve the King—and the two red circles on his forehead indicate that he is an Officer. For years, he has served the King without second-guessing a single order, but when his regiment is sent to capture what seems to be an innocent woman, he can't help but wonder if the King's intentions aren't pure...... or something

As far as the worldbuilding go, perhaps it would be better to just write it a bit differently, so it doesn't come off as so heavy? By the way, I'm not sure if you mean circles or dots in this case, but I tried to narrow it down a bit! I feel like some of the information could be used as information, and some parts that you've written are more historical, and could be added in a different section. Because I feel like this part that I've written as an example could be easily used for a roleplay, without all the background information, unless you want to use that information/those characters in a specific plot. But that's just my opinion!

Example ;;

THE SERVANTS

The elite, religious military force of Broacian is called Servants. This force is made up of men who have sacrificed themselves and their lives to serve the King—who considers himself a God. Servants are the most devoted soldiers and have trained their entire lives for a chance to serve the King. They are recognizable by the red circles on their forehead, which also represent their rank.
​

One circle: A regular Servant
Two circles: An Officer, most likely of noble blood but not necessarily
Three circles: A Grandmaster and his inner circle, but also any Servants who take direct orders from the King himself​

And then you can explain the different colors which makes people understand that they belong to different kings if you'd like, etc etc​

​

I would also recommend, although this is not a requirement at all, adding a writing sample in your request thread (under a spoiler or accordion or even linking it to a post in your journal) so potential partners can see that your style matches theirs. Believe it or not, but to some, this part is almost as important as the plot itself.

Btw, some of the headers are a bit hard to read in that font you've picked. They look good, but I would suggest changing them up a bit and making them look more basic or at least easier to read!

 

[Wotanaz]

@Khira I definitely see what you're saying -- especially in regards to not every character needing to know everything going on. I think I've been approaching it as a collaborative worldbuilding experience too much and not as a roleplay necessarily. I am thinking I could accordion/spoiler the different factions/kingdoms and summarize them briefly in the opening post before referring to the worldbuilding posts for more information. That might help give people a good idea of what they need to read for whatever they would want to RP.

I would also recommend, although this is not a requirement at all, adding a writing sample in your request thread (under a spoiler or accordion or even linking it to a post in your journal) so potential partners can see that your style matches theirs. Believe it or not, but to some, this part is almost as important as the plot itself.

I might have to do this -- I have some laying around, so it's not an absence, but moreso the availability of it. Also, probably need to start roleplaying in threads, haha.

Btw, some of the headers are a bit hard to read in that font you've picked. They look good, but I would suggest changing them up a bit and making them look more basic or at least easier to read!

Hmm, weird, they look pretty legible on my end. I'll see if I can find the font again and lighten them a bit!

 

[Khira]

I think I've been approaching it as a collaborative worldbuilding experience too much and not as a roleplay necessarily. I am thinking I could accordion/spoiler the different factions/kingdoms and summarize them briefly in the opening post before referring to the worldbuilding posts for more information. That might help give people a good idea of what they need to read for whatever they would want to RP.

Definitely!

I might have to do this -- I have some laying around, so it's not an absence, but moreso the availability of it. Also, probably need to start roleplaying in threads, haha.

You don't need to roleplay in threads. You just need one or two samples so people can see your style. My style differs slightly depending on my partner, but the overall feeling is more or less the same.

Hmm, weird, they look pretty legible on my end. I'll see if I can find the font again and lighten them a bit!

It's the font that is the problem. I would try one that's more basic, even though it's not as fancy. Sometimes, less is more : )

At first glance, I was certain this said "Serbants" until I started reading the text underneath, haha

If you want headers that aren't BBcodes, then try to find a font that's easy to read. But you come a long way with just playing around with BBcodes too!

BBcodes example

R E G I M E N T S  O F  R E N O W N

⎯⎯⎯  T H E  S E R V A N T S  ⎯⎯⎯
Omnia si perdas, famam servare memento​

The Servants are the elite, religious fighting force of Broacien, made up of men who have sacrificed themselves and their lives to the King and nobody else but the King. Because the King of Broacien takes upon himself a religious function as God himself, the Servants are the most pious among pious, and have trained their entire life for the chance to serve among them. Servants are recognizable among others due to the fact that they are marked with a set of red circles on their forehead, which is also indicative of rank.

One circle is simply a Servant, a holy knight in service to the King. Two circles indicates an officer of rank, most likely of noble blood but not necessarily. Three circles are reserved for the Grandmaster of the Servant Order, his left and right hand men, and any Servants that are ordained by the King himself. As such, the importance of the three-circled Servants can differ from king to king. During the reign of Gregar I, the Stag King, only the most renowned and capable knights were ordained, and so the three circles were a rank to be respected and feared. During the reign of Harold, this has diminished, as he has ordained (incapable) noblemen into the rank of three-circled Servants for political and financial reasons as well.
......

⎯⎯⎯  R O B E D  S W O R D S  ⎯⎯⎯
Ducit Amor Patriae​

The Robed Swords are called such because they wear their swords not in a sheath, but in a roll of expensive velvet. This tradition has come forth from a tradition set by the first Robed Sword, Inquisitor Dumand from Arlon, who converted to the Monarchist faith and vowed to convert or execute all heathens within the borders of Broacien. Under his command, the Robed Sword order was found with the express purpose of investigating claims of heresy.

Nobody is immune to the investigations of the Robed Swords, not even the King themselves, so great are their investigative powers in a legal and practical sense. Much like the Servants, Robed Swords are marked with a large cross on their forehead in black pigment. The Robed Swords take every aspect of Servanthood, and multiply it -- they must be incorruptible forces of the wrath of the Monarch, and therefore must be able to resist all earthly impulses.
......