The Exhaust Vent

[M.G.B.]

I don't know how much of this is true of myself in general, but in this instance of "place" on the internet--BMR that is--I feel I have become more withdrawn. It is to the point that writing this has me constantly second-guessing myself.

"No one cares, man."

"You're only writing this in hopes of getting attention."

Things like that. A self-isolating depressive mode, though I can't help but feel it's at least a little correct. Mostly because elsewhere, I don't really end up feeling this way, or it doesn't seem like I do. Which leads to what "this" is. The thing that I am writing.

I'm considering closing up shop for good. Leaving BMR, no looking back. Nowadays I mostly just show up, look at conversations that make me sigh, and leave just to start the process all over again later. It's not even that I don't want to rp, i just don't wanna be here. Hell, I briefly tried to seek out new rps and it didn't really pan out into any newfound enthusiasm.

I feel beaten down. I'm sure BMR still has a sense of community for others, but I think I only ever had a glimpse of that briefly. There are reasons for that which I could enumerate, but I'm not interested in stirring shit, especially when I'm the odd man out in the end. And I'm lucky. I have plenty going on elsewhere in my life that I don't need BMR to be a social lifeline for me. I know for some people, this is sorta all they have. So, I don't really need to have made friends here, but it sucks that all the ones I thought I made eventually left.

And I know it's at least partially my fault that I fell out of touch with some of them. I can become inattentive and forget about ongoing conversations. Then enough time passes and it just becomes too embarrassing to try and start it up again. It'd be easy to blame it on my adhd, but I don't want to treat it like a crutch.

And, of course, it isn't all entirely true. I have a few friends still. Some partners who are fantastic and I'll have even if I leave. Then there are the small few I would end up leaving behind.

I think the final takeaway here is that there are people on BMR who make me happy, but BMR doesn't. Not anymore, or at least, not lately. I don't know if I will leave. If I do, I won't announce it. I'll just do the ol' BMR special and ghost. I don't know if anyone'd notice anyways.

Just wanted to vent this feeling somewhere someone can see it. Tired of this stuff being console exclusive to my brain all the time. I don't expect anyone to, but comments are fine.

 

[Revelations]

Well, I won't say anything to try and dissuade you from leaving - that's a personal choice and sometimes it's healthiest to step away from a thing that's causing you negative emotions. be it BMR, another site, another social situation, anything. If it's not something you're enjoying and is making you feel worse for having it in your life, it's better to move on and live a healthier existence without it.

That being said I have enjoyed seeing you in the chat throughout your time on BMR. We probably don't agree on everything to say the least, but I've always liked having your presence/self in the forums. We've never talked much though, so take this as a random person rather than anything else I suppose. I'm not saying this to try and keep you on the forums, just that the absence of your presence would be felt by someone at least, and that you'd be missed on that same wavelength too.

That being said, to say on BMR, or to take your leave of it, is a personal choice and I feel you should go with what makes you feel healthiest and happiest.

 

[M.G.B.]

I know at least some of it is a lack of emotional object permanence, I've forgotten that some folks do give a shit cause I don't really see it anymore. But a lot of them are just not around anymore, too.

This made me end up going through my old profile posts and see the interactions I used to have and beyond feeling nostalgic, a shockingly large number of the folks I've interacted with over the years have withdrawn. Makes me feel like I missed a memo or something. It really mapped the slow decline for me too, I definitely seemed to be having a lot more fun.

I don't think I'll go quite yet. I don't think I can really go back to how I did things, trying to be in chat definitely feels forced now, but maybe more stuff like this. Journaling, maybe stuff in worldbuilding. We'll see.

 

[Nihilistic_Impact]

Whatever you do, I look forward to seeing your output.

 

[Revelations]

I think we've all lost some good friends we had on BMR - it is the nature of a forum (especially in the current year of social media) to shrink member wise after some time. I've lost some good RP partners and general chatter buddies too, it's a shame.

That being said, I am glad you are electing to stay in some for it sounds like. Much like Nihil, I look forward to seeing what you do.

 

[M.G.B.]

Too many people use public spaces as free therapy. Maybe I'd care about your bad day if it didn't feel like the only reason you show up is to get sympathy from people. I'm not sorry that I don't want all of my social interactions for the day used up on constantly affirming the emotions of other people that do not give two shits about my own. This is why I do not dwell on my own issues, beyond my inability to perceive the living person that gives a shit about whether or not I am also alive. And I get it, no one wants to look/feel like/be called an asshole because they weren't nice to the sad person, but some sad people are assholes. I'd much rather look like an insensitive prick than cowtow to the needs of a psychic vampire. I already hate vampires as it is. I can't help it, the engineers designed me to kill monsters, its just the algorithm man.

We all need the ability to vent and process our emotions. Some of us don't have a lot of friends or the money for a therapist, so we seek out whatever outlets we can get. It's not always on purpose when someone starts using coworkers or acquaintences as heatsinks for their feelings. But that doesn't excuse the behavior. If you never come into a conversation with anything other than what a bad day you've had, you're not a whole lot better than the people that put you in a bad mood. It can be hard to be positive, but it isn't the job of everyone else to fix that. Communities are still composed of individuals. Get a hobby, start a journal, fucking do something to inject your own positivity into your life, or at least dump the negativity.

Kinda like this. Good to get shit off the chest.

 

[M.G.B.]

Imma be real with you. This muse thing? Not cute anymore. Take some responsibility for your personal failings, because I have exclusively only seen the "muse" concept used as excuses for why people can't do this or that. "Oh, my muse just lost interest." No, you lost interest and ghosted someone. Own up to it. It's not whimsical, it's just a lack of accountability. Muses are not real. They're greek fucking myth. It's like when people talk about shit like karma as if its just a universal concept and not a misappropriation of some ancient belief system. The only time a muse even makes sense is if there is something physical. A person being your muse makes sense, they inspire you. If they walk out of your life, you've actually lost your muse.

Just say you lack inspiration and admit you have a hard time coming up with ideas. Or you fucking have depression, that's what it sounds like to me. I fucking go around pretending to be a robot and there are folks who just seem detached from reality with this shit.

 

[M.G.B.]

Sometimes, a friend will ask me something, or tell me there's something they want to do, or see, or have, and I'll hold onto that. I'll hold it and hold it, trying to remember to follow through, help them do that thing, play that game with them we both bought but never got around to playing, or grabbing them that thing that never managed to manifest for them. I'll hold onto it long after they've forgotten, and its just some lingering thing off in the back of their thoughts. I'll keep it fresh in my mind because I know, even after all this time, even though I'm the only one that remembers now, when I finally do that thing, or get them that gift, they'll remember, and it will make them happy, and I'll have that moment of them being happy to keep me going for the next few years while I go through my little warehouse of other things in waiting.

Because what other way can I acknowledge my existence but through the moments I affect others? I'm not a particularly good person, I don't have much talent for things, and I seem to rarely have good opinions, but if I can be the reason they were happy when I can finally do that one thing I held onto, I can feel like I'm at least that to them.