The 'Laugh You Lose' Game

BlisteredBlood said:
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I can see why Vamp didn't like it, but I laughed. I loved the TF2 and Portal parts.
 
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Sadly, you will have to click the linky to see this one. I do promise it is funny though! XD

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An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count, as part of his physical examination.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 85 year old man reappeared at his doctors office and gave him the jar which was as clean and empty as the day before.

The doctor ask him what happened and the guy explained:

"Well Doc, it's like this......first I tried with my right hand but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand but still nothing. Then, I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left hand, still nothing. She tried with her mouth. First with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.”

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing!"

The doctor was shocked, "You asked your neighbor?"

"YEP," the old man replied, "None of us could get the jar open!!
 
Premature ejaculation problems

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.

The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home his wife was naked in bed ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. When he felt the urge he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor and the doctor asked him how it went.

He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches off my dick, shit in my face and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands up, naked."
 
(Found this: these thoughts are not mine)

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

· More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

· Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

· I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

· Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

· I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

· The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

· Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

· There is a great need for sarcasm font.

· Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

· I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

· How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

· I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

· I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

· The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

· A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

· Was learning cursive really necessary?

· Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

· I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

· Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

· My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

· Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

· How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

· I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

· While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.

· MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

· Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

· I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

· Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

· I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

· Bad decisions make good stories

· Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

· Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

· If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

· Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

· You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

· Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

· There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

· I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

· "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

· I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

· While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

· I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

· I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

· When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

· I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

· Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

· As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

· Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

· It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

· I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

· I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

· Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

· Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

· My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

· It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

· I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

· I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

· I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

· The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
 
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This is a photo I took myself of a sign in the window of one of those seasonal Halloween stores. Added the "fail" text on my own.
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Laughed in my head, but not out loud...does it count?

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This was funny to me...mostly due to my lack of sleep......
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Got me!

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Supposedly an Actual Letter written by a rancher!

I had this idea, that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it corn for a couple of months, then kill it and eat it...

The first step in this adventure was 'getting' a deer. I figured, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me, (A bold one will sometimes, come right up and sniff at the bags of feed, while I am in the back of the truck,...not 4 feet away) it should not be difficult to rope one, get to it and toss a bag over its head, (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end, with my ready rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, the deer showed up...3 of them. I picked out a likely-looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my lasso. The deer just stood there, staring at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end, so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but I could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step toward it...It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an 'education'.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED like a rocket!

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer. . .NO chance!

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me, when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go, with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slowly and painfully, somewhere.

At the time, there was no love, at all, between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess...the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots, where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks, as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder...a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse, where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head...almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it HURTS!

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the 'beejesus' out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal (like a horse) strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer...so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you, is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead, is paw your back and jump up and down on you, while you are laying there, crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under my truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why, when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope, and stay as far away from that deer as possible until they are sure it is edible!
 
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