Opener Crit

[Missulena]

Hi! I was hoping to get some advice on how to better develop my world-building skills.
Here's a sample of an opener that I did.

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The night air was filled with chatter, but somehow, it felt silent. It felt desolate and lonely, despite there being hundreds of thousands of people out and about. Prostitutes, drug dealers, gang bangers... al manner of night life and creature crawled out through the streets and sidewalks. Remina kept her head down, her black hair hiding her face from anyone who would look too hard. The city was no place for a woman like her, especially at night. She was skinny, pale and beautiful as the night moon and just as distant. She had to be to survive a city like Nightport. Neon lights lit up the streets, but the alleyways remained dark as a void. Remina could hear soft moans from the alleyways as the prostitutes performed their duties or soft chattering as dirty deals were done under the cloak of darkness. It was all the same to her, really. People survived however they could. Remina didn't have a place to judge, often doing terrible things to scrape by in this densely-packed hellscape. Few people could actually leave Nightport, as money was often a factor. The city's leaders (if they could be called that) gated off the city limits, charging a ridiculous traveling fee to those looking to leave the city.

Not everyone could afford it, hence why she was stuck here, scrambling to survive. Remina kept walking in an attempt to get to her home after a long day of working in a stuffy escort service. Rich people being her main clientele, they paid well enough for her to afford an apartment in a nicer neighborhood and food in exchange for company and if the price was good enough: sex. It was something to keep going, at least. Remina felt eyes on her, though. And it was beginning to make her feel uncomfortable. She noticed two creatures, a minotaur and what looked like an orc, tailing her.
She tried not to panic, as she knew that it would only make them attack, dragging her into the alleyway to do gods know what to her. It happened a lot here, and nobody seemed to care.

Instead, Remina took a turn into a part of the city that few people went to: The Dark Elf district. Still, they followed and Remina kept her pace. The lights in this district glowed red, with Dark Elves walking through the streets and chattering. Remina garnered stares for being slightly out of place. She knew she didn't come here often, not really passing as a Dark Elf, despite being part Dark Elf. But she was desperate to get away from her pursuers. Scanning the area, she noticed a nightclub entrance: The Savage Garden Intimate Club, it read.
Great. She thought, rushing up to the entrance.

A strange eyeball opened on the door, scanning her thoroughly. It glowed red and the doors opened. Remina rushed in quickly and the doors slammed shut behind her. She was now in a waiting area where there was a door girl taking cover fees.
The girl looked up, her ears flattened a bit and she held out her hand, "ID, please. Oh, and ten ruples." She said flatly.
Remina dug into her bag and pulled out her wallet to flash her ID and pull out money. Paying her cover, she was lead into the club.
She sighed heavily, relaxing a bit. With her nerves calmed a bit, she began to observe her surroundings. The club was dark with heavy, atmospheric music filling the air. A dance floor was filled with bodies swaying and velvet drapes covered the entrance to a hallway leading to private rooms. A bouncer stood outside of the private rooms hall, watching out for trouble. Remina took steps towards the bar, ignoring the stares she was getting from the other occupants of the club. She sat down onto a black leather stool and waited for the bartender to notice her.

 

[ƒeral]

So, first of, I definitely think you were very successful in setting the scene! The picture came across loud and clear - a city of sin, of outlaws, that grime dark vibe...

I would be happy to assist but I would need a little more guidance. When you say 'world-building', what exactly do you mean? I think you've conveyed the cityscape you wanted to convey. There are certainly specific bits I can comment on, but I'm not sure that would fall under world-building. So you know, give me a little more and maybe I can give you a little more!

 

[Staine]

I like it, I think you did very well, very descriptive and setting scenery is something I sometimes feel I'm not very good at so I don't think I'm qualified to critique the content. It might just be me, but I did find the delivery a little bit jarring. Again, it's probably just me because I know I have some writing quirks that I don't notice so much in others, but in the delivery I like to use less periods and extend my sentences more. Basically, I tend to use more commas, colons, semi-colons and ellipses. I think it's just a style difference, so take this with a grain of salt and just simply something you might want to try out to see if you like it, but your writing was very good anyway! Here, an example.

The night air was filled with chatter, but somehow, it felt silent. It felt desolate and lonely, despite there being hundreds of thousands of people out and about. Prostitutes, drug dealers, gang bangers... al manner of night life and creature crawled out through the streets and sidewalks. Remina kept her head down, her black hair hiding her face from anyone who would look too hard. The city was no place for a woman like her, especially at night.

Lovely description and easy enough to read so there is nothing wrong with it at all, but for my own tastes I would probably have written it just a little differently.

The night air was filled with chatter, but somehow, it felt silent, desolate and lonely, despite there being hundreds of thousands of people out and about; Prostitutes, drug dealers, gang bangers... al manner of night life and creature crawled out through the streets and sidewalks. Remina kept her head down, her black hair hiding her face from anyone who would look too hard. The city was no place for a woman like her, especially at night.

I barely changed it at all but I think it reads differently, it's more to my own tastes. I'm definitely no expert so I probably am using grammar all wrong as I'm sure somebody will pop in to tell you, but it's how I like it!

 

[Missulena]

I like it, I think you did very well, very descriptive and setting scenery is something I sometimes feel I'm not very good at so I don't think I'm qualified to critique the content. It might just be me, but I did find the delivery a little bit jarring. Again, it's probably just me because I know I have some writing quirks that I don't notice so much in others, but in the delivery I like to use less periods and extend my sentences more. Basically, I tend to use more commas, colons, semi-colons and ellipses. I think it's just a style difference, so take this with a grain of salt and just simply something you might want to try out to see if you like it, but your writing was very good anyway! Here, an example.

The night air was filled with chatter, but somehow, it felt silent. It felt desolate and lonely, despite there being hundreds of thousands of people out and about. Prostitutes, drug dealers, gang bangers... al manner of night life and creature crawled out through the streets and sidewalks. Remina kept her head down, her black hair hiding her face from anyone who would look too hard. The city was no place for a woman like her, especially at night.

Lovely description and easy enough to read so there is nothing wrong with it at all, but for my own tastes I would probably have written it just a little differently.

The night air was filled with chatter, but somehow, it felt silent, desolate and lonely, despite there being hundreds of thousands of people out and about; Prostitutes, drug dealers, gang bangers... al manner of night life and creature crawled out through the streets and sidewalks. Remina kept her head down, her black hair hiding her face from anyone who would look too hard. The city was no place for a woman like her, especially at night.

I barely changed it at all but I think it reads differently, it's more to my own tastes. I'm definitely no expert so I probably am using grammar all wrong as I'm sure somebody will pop in to tell you, but it's how I like it!

Thanks! Sometimes I don't know where to put punctuation, so it gets messy.

 

[Missulena]

So, first of, I definitely think you were very successful in setting the scene! The picture came across loud and clear - a city of sin, of outlaws, that grime dark vibe...

I would be happy to assist but I would need a little more guidance. When you say 'world-building', what exactly do you mean? I think you've conveyed the cityscape you wanted to convey. There are certainly specific bits I can comment on, but I'm not sure that would fall under world-building. So you know, give me a little more and maybe I can give you a little more!

I guess what I meant to say was how to build atmosphere better.

 

[Staine]

Thanks! Sometimes I don't know where to put punctuation, so it gets messy.

Me too, to be honest, and while there are hard rules I think a lot of it is subjective. I just write to my own tastes, how I like to read it, and it serves me well enough!

 

[ƒeral]

I guess what I meant to say was how to build atmosphere better.

I think you did a great job with the city.

However, for the nightclub, it's not clear to me what kind of 'vibe' you were trying to set.

For example - 'heavy, atmospheric music' doesn't tell me a lot.

What kind of music?

EDM? The air was vibrating. Beats, heartbeats, intermingling. Sound thrummed and bounced off of walls, electrifying the senses and setting Remina's own heartrate just that much faster. It was loud in here. But the noise calmed her, reminded her that she was safe now, that she could blend into the crowd, away from her pursuers.

You said the dance floor is filled. How filled?

The dance floor could not be seen. The whole place was packed - wall to wall with writhing bodies, with energy and sweat and passion. Scents perfused through the air. Perfume. Cologne. Sweat and musk and more. Smoke - cigarette and not. Cheap beer and something pricier - did someone break a bottle somewhere?

This is not a definitive tip and trick, but in 'scene setting', remember humans have more than one sense! Most folks tend to cover sight by and large. Hearing, sometimes. Practically every other sense get ignored most of the time.

 

[Missulena]

I think you did a great job with the city.

However, for the nightclub, it's not clear to me what kind of 'vibe' you were trying to set.

For example - 'heavy, atmospheric music' doesn't tell me a lot.

What kind of music?

EDM? The air was vibrating. Beats, heartbeats, intermingling. Sound thrummed and bounced off of walls, electrifying the senses and setting Remina's own heartrate just that much faster. It was loud in here. But the noise calmed her, reminded her that she was safe now, that she could blend into the crowd, away from her pursuers.

You said the dance floor is filled. How filled?

The dance floor could not be seen. The whole place was packed - wall to wall with writhing bodies, with energy and sweat and passion. Scents perfused through the air. Perfume. Cologne. Sweat and musk and more. Smoke - cigarette and not. Cheap beer and something pricier - did someone break a bottle somewhere?

This is not a definitive tip and trick, but in 'scene setting', remember humans have more than one sense! Most folks tend to cover sight by and large. Hearing, sometimes. Practically every other sense get ignored most of the time.

Thanks! I'll keep that in mind!