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On loneliness

Laa

Laa

Star
Joined
Jul 18, 2013
So! I shall be the first to admit that I'm quite lonely IRL. I have a bit of close family, an online group besides Bluemoon and... That's about it. Coming to RP on bluemoon or other sites, I think, have always unconsciously or consciously been a way for me to try to alleviate loneliness, to find my tribe of fellow weirdoes. I really do like writing, and writing with people hence serves two purposes; taking off the edge off of my loneliness and engaging in one of my favorite hobbies. It's... Perhaps not the best outlet at times, but, it's the one I've got.

I was wondering to which extent everyone else in here is lonely, as well as how they try to cope with it. Is RP'ing also one of your methods to alleviate loneliness? Or do you have some other tips and tricks to overcome loneliness? I'm quite curious!

So yeah! Let's get the conversation rolling. :)
 
I also find myself quite lonely IRL. I have a couple of close friends from college and my family, but much of my time I feel very alone. In part, this might be because I'm asexual, aromantic, and introverted, so I find it hard to find the motivation to meet people. The other thing I struggle with is understanding how much of it is me actually being lonely, and how much of it is anxiety/depression. The anxiety and depression get medicated, the rest gets therapy.

The other thing that helped me, is working on myself- getting up, working out, trying to stay well-groomed/well-dressed (not fancy, just not being a slob)- and working on social skills. One thing I found I did was I would be super quiet if I didn't know someone, then once I felt comfortable the relationships would become about me, and not letting them express themselves.
 
The other thing I struggle with is understanding how much of it is me actually being lonely, and how much of it is anxiety/depression.
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I definitely feel this! Different mental issues can kind of blur together. In all honesty, managing my mental health feels a little like playing the sims without having any of those bars to show how the characters are doing, yet having to figure out which stat needs to be buffed and when. Maybe that's a weird analogy, but I think it works. Heh. :)

Good insights, thank you very much!
 
I basically lost my group of friends IRL due to the pandemic - not via explosive drama or anything, but by way of us just not seeing eachother anymore and me not being the most active of friends in the first place. I do miss them, though - I miss being able to D&D IRL and having some people I shared hobbies with. I've always been a bit of a loner IRL though - not like, aggressively so. But my hobbies and interests when I was growing up were drastically different from kids my age in the areas I lived in, so I got use to internalizing the stuff I found interesting. It doesn't help that I'm neurodivergent (I am on the autistic spectrum., and also deal with Anxiety and Depression regularly).

That being said, I don't quite see RP'ing itself as an outlet for loneliness - perhaps the same cannot be said with the potential bonds and friendships one makes with their RP partners. I don't intend to make friends out of everyone I RP with, but those that I can casually chat with help a lot. I have friends online who share my hobbies and interests as well, so that gives me an outlet to gush about the things I enjoy with someone else. I mean, I do wish I had people I could shoot the shit with about obscure JRPG's or D&D stuff in real life, but I will admit that at least having the ability/chance to do so with someone else finally helps relieve some of that loneliness.

Ultimately though, it is a longer term goal of mine to at least try and rekindle old friendships or forge new ones IRL, but obviously - such is easier said than done.
 
Ultimately though, it is a longer term goal of mine to at least try and rekindle old friendships or forge new ones IRL, but obviously - such is easier said than done.
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Yeah, I need to forge some new friendships as well. One of the big problems for me is, what kind of RL friendships I'd be personally motivated enough to maintain. Otherwise, I fear that anything new I'd set up would erode rather quickly due to a lacking interest from both parties.

I wish you the best of luck! :)
 
I think feeling lonely best expresses my experiences. I've never had many friends, I was a latchkey kid in gradeschool and highschool, and when I did hang out with large groups in college, I was never invited anywhere. I ended up with about six friends, my girlfriend included, but now they're the only people I feel comfortable around, and I don't see them often.

At one point I thought I could try and make new online friends on BMR, but I never really managed to stop feeling like an outsider, and in the end it made my mental health a lot worse. I do have a tiny handful of new friends, but for the most part I don't really put myself out there anymore. I really did put a lot of effort into it at the time, but I think in the end, embracing that I'm a somewhat lonely person was better for me in the long run.
 
At one point I thought I could try and make new online friends on BMR, but I never really managed to stop feeling like an outsider, and in the end it made my mental health a lot worse.
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Yeah, I sadly don't think BMR is a complete solution no matter what you do. A lot of the people on sites like this kind of come and go, myself included in the past (and likely in the future, let's be real). That's why I try to use it specifically just to take the edge of loneliness off, using other avenues to take more 'edges' off until I get some kind of 'okay loneliness coverage'. If that makes sense. That's what I'm experimenting with, anyway. Though I can definitely understand your approach as well. May it work well for you. :)
 
Most people in general feel some kind of loneliness. Yes, even people who have a perfect family and plenty of friends. The human experience is a lonely one. Dark, I know, but maybe be comforting to know it's a shared experience for most.

For me, I see it as a sense of a lonely "real me" irl. I feel very fake around those I regularly interact with, so that makes me feel a profound loneliness.

As where RP comes in, sometimes you make friends. Cool. Do I use it as an outlet? I mean, kinda. Not that I'm trying to blur lines, but I like expressive writing. Tapping into frustrations like loneliness in a creative and safe way can be relieving.
 
I touched on this in my journal. Due to my Depression, I always feel alone, no matter where I am or whom I'm with. It's only the degree of loneliness that changes.

There are days when I'm comfortable being around people and don't feel so bad. There are days when I'm in a crowded room and feel like I'm the only person in it. I'm often at once both comfortable in crowds yet never feeling like I'm a part of them.

And then there are the days when I'd much rather be at home with my pet rabbit than face the world.

Loneliness is an old friend, and there are times when I'm more comfortable - and happier - being alone than I am being with people.
 
Laa said:
Yeah, I sadly don't think BMR is a complete solution no matter what you do. A lot of the people on sites like this kind of come and go, myself included in the past (and likely in the future, let's be real). That's why I try to use it specifically just to take the edge of loneliness off, using other avenues to take more 'edges' off until I get some kind of 'okay loneliness coverage'. If that makes sense. That's what I'm experimenting with, anyway. Though I can definitely understand your approach as well. May it work well for you. :)
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I certainly think your method makes sense. For me, having multiple sources like that is... difficult. I didn't try to make any friends here until about two years after I started I think, a year at least. That was how long it took for me to feel comfortable to try. Having other sources would be several more years compounded, I imagine. I hope you do find a way to have more than just "okay" coverage in the future, however that may come about.

As for me, my method is working for me, I think. It's all about learning to enjoy my own company again.
 
The human experience is a lonely one.
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I do wonder if that was always the case though. In prehistory, we used to sleep together in larger groups, know all the faces we woke up to every morning and have a generally unified goal between a good 150 people or so. It's hard for me to imagine myself being lonely in those circumstances, going out on hunts with the pals every other day. The idea that a good 50+ people at least had known me my entire life, knew my quirks and, hopefully, accepted them... That'd be something. An unrealistic fantasy in current times.

When I read about it round and about from... Eh, half reliable sources... A lot of them seem to point to somewhere around the time of the industrial revolution as the beginning of the current loneliness issues. One, Two (4:00), Three (Just the abstract, talking about single person housing)

But yeah, I definitely also use the themes and stories themselves to vent out my issues, be it loneliness, anxiety or the like. There really is something about putting an emotion in a really impactful paragraph that just makes me giddy!

There are days when I'm comfortable being around people and don't feel so bad. There are days when I'm in a crowded room and feel like I'm the only person in it. I'm often at once both comfortable in crowds yet never feeling like I'm a part of them.
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I think a lot of people can relate to this, for different reasons. AFAIK, depression can make you feel disconnected from others even when there is some deeper connection there, right? I might be wrong about that. Either way, I definitely know the feeling of being lonely in crowds of people. I had a circle of friends once upon a time, which I slowly but surely learned valued me less than the random stranger on Reddit. It taught me that it's better to be lonely than to have bad friends. >.>

Pets are great though! They can take off a part of that edge, and just really bring out a smile when you really need it.

Depends on which definition of loneliness we are going with, if I'm being honest.
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Loneliness in psychology is basically a need like hunger or thirst. When you feel lonely, it's a warning sign from your psyche that your social relations are lacking in some way. It's a survival instinct, telling you that you need to strengthen your bond with your tribe, or that people in your tribe might not care enough about your well-being, which could be dangerous in prehistoric times. It activates the fight-or-flight response afaik, so loneliness in psychology is a distinct feeling, comparable to feelings such as hunger.

Source (warning, I haven't read the thing, though I might it looks interesting, lol)
We have proposed that the awareness of loneliness evolved to serve as a signal that one's connections to others are frayed or broken and to motivate the repair and maintenance of the connections to others that are needed for our health and well being as well as for the survival of our genes.
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As for me, my method is working for me, I think. It's all about learning to enjoy my own company again.
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That's also super important. I think I read that it's one of the first things you can do when alone, to 'find the friend inside you', I was told. Can't recall the source though.

But yeah, I get what you're saying. It does take a while for me to feel comfortable in a setting as well. Been here 9 years. I think this is my first thread in the Academy section, unless I'm forgetting something, lol.
 
I'm pretty lonely, so yeah, I go here to make friends, I don't know if it always works. There's a lot of people that aren't on when I'm on, things like that. I'm trying to get better about it.
 
Breezi said:
I'm pretty lonely, so yeah, I go here to make friends, I don't know if it always works. There's a lot of people that aren't on when I'm on, things like that. I'm trying to get better about it.
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And I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors! I will say, I do kind of look at forums like a very fast exchange of letters, so I don't mind not being on at the same time as others. If I'm RP'ing with someone from the US and I wake up to a message from them, that just makes me happy. :)
 
First and foremost, whoop whoop.

Look, loneliness is an epidemic. It's a vicious, awful thing that sneaks into your life and warps your perception of your self confidence, your social standing, and yourself as a whole. That's half of why we do anything, isn't it? To reach out, to make connections, to fight loneliness in this infinite war.

It's okay. Deep down, we're all lonely, but we're not alone.

Or in other words,
Meet me at the Gathering next year, homies. I'll buy you a Faygo and show you my sweet Hatchetman tat.

MMFCL,
JCB69xXx
 
Hello and, uh, welcome to Bluemoon! We can always use more clowns around here. ;)

Thanks for the wise words, and heck, I'm certain that tat is wicked. :)
 
I've always liked Billy Joel's You're only Human (Second Wind) as a song that, while not totally uplifting in itself, can help put things back into perspective if you take the time to listen to it.

You're having a hard time and lately you don't feel so good
You're getting a bad reputation in your neighborhood
It's alright
It's alright
Sometimes that's what it takes
You're only human
You're allowed to make your share of mistakes
You better believe there will be times in your life
When you'll be feeling like a stumbling fool
So take it from me you'll learn more from your accidents
Than anything that you could ever learn at school
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll get your second wind

It's not always easy to be living in this world of pain
You're gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again
It's alright
It's alright
Though you feel your heart break
You're only human
You're gonna have to deal with heartache
Just like a boxer in a title fight
You got to walk in that ring all alone
You're not the only one who's made mistakes
But they're the only thing that you can truly call your own
Don't forget your second wind
Wait in that corner until that breeze blows in
You've been keeping to yourself these days
'Cause you're thinking everything's gone wrong
Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on
Till that old second wind comes along

You probably don't want to hear advice from someone else
But I wouldn't be telling you if I hadn't been there myself
It's alright
It's alright
Sometimes that's all it takes
We're only human
We're supposed to make mistakes
But I survived all those long lonely days
When it seemed I did not have a friend
'Cause all I needed was a little faith
So I could catch my breath and face the world again
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick in
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick in
 
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That's a really powerful message! It can at times be easy to forget that life can go on when one makes mistakes, so yeah, second winds are a must for a lot of us, for different reasons. :)

Personally, I also find that songs expressing the darker emotions kind of help me. Experiencing a powerful expression of what you're going through can sometimes just tear into me and, well, make me cry, really. It sort of... Pulls the emotion front and center and allows me to process it, I feel? Not sure if I should link such songs though, no idea if others react the same way as I do, but yeah!
 
M.G.B. said:
I was a latchkey kid in gradeschool and highschool
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I felt the need to comment on this because your post resonated with me, albeit, things went a little bit differently for me.

I was a latch key kid, too, and unwanted at home. Moved around quite a bit. Just wasn't in a stable environment where I could put down roots and make connections.

I went the opposite direction from you, though, in that I learned to blend into my social environment. I learned how to quickly establish shallow friendships and I can understand how to act and speak in ways that will make me part of a group. While I appreciate this learned behavior because I rarely feel lonely, the flip side is that I am almost never genuinely myself. I do have a small group of core friends where I feel like I'm not performing an identity, but otherwise, I am always pretending to be something I'm not to get by.

In my experience, the cost of admittance has just been alloying my thoughts and feelings to an extent where they no longer feel genuine. While I doubt this will be helpful to you, and it cuts against the grain of every 90s kids' movie ever, there is an extent to which being fake is good. A greatly nuanced extent, sure, but it can help.
 
When I was younger I always felt like I was the odd one out and felt lonely at times. But when I was around people I wanted to run away!

In time I realised I am not like most people and that is fine. I am happy alone and it is others who make me feel lonely.
 
I myself have been feeling loneliness for a past few years. I have some friends which I hang out from time to time or at least play online every once in a while, family and even a partner whom I've been with for a long time. And where I do enjoy the company they all provide I still have this indescribable empty void in me that I noticed for the first time when I was at the height of my depression. I can only guess stems from the feeling that I don't have anyone that I can talk about my main interests openly, or to an extent I would like to. I do play games with my friends as I said and they are definitely my interests, but the games I like to talk about aren't usually DbD or Deep Rock Galactic, and there's only so much I can talk about those with them in the first place.

Admittedly one of my motives that got me started doing roleplays was to possibly find some people to talk to/be friends with while we roleplay due to many roleplayers sharing similar interests with me. And gladly most of the people who hit me up are up for OOC-chatter, and these conversations accompanied with the play itself help to ease the feeling to some extent which is something I'm genuinely glad about.

Aside from people online that I meet on places like BMR I haven't found any decent way to get rid of this lonely feeling. Somedays it doesn't bother me that much, others I feel absolutely miserable because of it. Gladly the latter kind-of days are much more rare after I got help for my depression, Other "fix" that I have is that I just do stuff that I enjoy to forget it, but that's also just a short-term fix in a long-term problem.
 
I'm not especially lonely because I'm quite introverted anyway, but I do find the general throwaway nature of connections and the heavy suit of armour that comes with being an online entity kinda isolating sometimes. I wish it was a little easier to send and receive warmth without worrying that you're making another human being feel uncomfortable.

But similarly to what Passion said earlier in the thread, I can spend an entire day in isolation and feel lonely, and I can spend an entire day in communication and feel alone. So it's also about finding people who connect with your core values. Trying to shoehorn the wrong people into the right role can be even worse. It would be nice to meet some cool people here on BMR through various interactions and exchanges, but it's important for it to happen naturally, if it does at all.

My own philosophy is to just try and be sincere with myself and how I treat others. Then, at least I can feel that my side of the exchange was the best I was able to offer, even if the connection is fleeting.
 
Claire Voyant said:
When I was younger I always felt like I was the odd one out and felt lonely at times. But when I was around people I wanted to run away!

In time I realised I am not like most people and that is fine. I am happy alone and it is others who make me feel lonely.
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I may have grown into feeling this way, but you describe it perfectly.
 
BlaseTurtleClub said:
I'm not especially lonely because I'm quite introverted anyway, but I do find the general throwaway nature of connections and the heavy suit of armour that comes with being an online entity kinda isolating sometimes. I wish it was a little easier to send and receive warmth without worrying that you're making another human being feel uncomfortable.

But similarly to what Passion said earlier in the thread, I can spend an entire day in isolation and feel lonely, and I can spend an entire day in communication and feel alone. So it's also about finding people who connect with your core values. Trying to shoehorn the wrong people into the right role can be even worse. It would be nice to meet some cool people here on BMR through various interactions and exchanges, but it's important for it to happen naturally, if it does at all.

My own philosophy is to just try and be sincere with myself and how I treat others. Then, at least I can feel that my side of the exchange was the best I was able to offer, even if the connection is fleeting.
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Really dig your philosophy man, well-said.

I wanted to add that I think it's interesting that you mentioned being an entity online comes with a heavy suit of armor though. Care to elaborate on that? Personally I've always found the opposite to be true - the less likely that I will ever actually run into someone IRL, the more honest I tend to be.
 
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