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Feedback thread: The Adventure of a Paladin

Sync

Sync

Corporate Drone
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Dec 29, 2011
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Australia
Hey folks!

I've started branching out a bit and flexing my limited writing muscle in a solo effort - The Adventures of a Paladin. You can find the story on the BMR forums here.

The story aims to expand into a narrative form the backstory of a paladin character I'm playing in a TTRPG game at the moment. In the backstory, the events depicted are covered in a few paragraphs, but here...well, I can go on and explore them fully, and bring to life a character I love playing.

If you've been reading the story, then thank you very much - and I'd love to get your feedback on it as I go: writing style, writing content, character development, that sort of thing. Can I do anything to improve characterisation? Can I do anything to provide the location environment? Should I include things like weather conditions where appropriate?

Or...just give me a like if you can't give any critique.

I promise I won't be offended by feedback, but please be constructive.
 
captain_bond said:
I suppose I have a question. Since this is Blue Moon, will Helen get into any sexual shenanigans? Asking for a friend.
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Heh. Hadn't really thought about it, tbh.

The backstory, as initially written, is largely PG-friendly - especially given my offspring is playing in the same TTRPG game. :)

But for here...there's no reason Helene can't/won't have the occasional fling. It just won't be a major part of the story.
 
Torm works in mysterious ways, eh? Anyways, I believe she ladled stew from a pot, not a put, my friend. Unless the English language is getting even crazier?? LMAO
 
captain_bond said:
Torm works in mysterious ways, eh? Anyways, I believe she ladled stew from a pot, not a put, my friend. Unless the English language is getting even crazier?? LMAO
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Fair call. While Word is great at picking up spelling mistakes and potential grammar issues, it tends to not pick up incorrect words that spelled correctly... >.>
 
I love the not-so-subtle reference to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (or Philosopher's Stone if you're, you know, not American.) Keep up the fantastic work!!
 
Just immediately: highly recommend introducing the reader to the time/date/place/location of your story rather than jumping straight into the character's shoes in chapter 1. Having a passive-voice (short) intro that creates immersion and sets the tone for the genre you're writing in is a lot better than heading into the protagonist's POV from the off-set (imho.)

A drop of something hitting the back of her head made her look up. The sky was overcast, dark clouds lingering nearby. Another drop of water hit her face, followed by a third drop hitting her shoulder. Rain would be good, although it was only going to be a light rain and would not really hide anything. Besides, a few miles away the skies were clear, and the clouds looked to be bypassing this area. The campfire was almost extinguished, now, and the day was moving on. The longer she stayed here, the greater her chance of being discovered in an incriminating situation.
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This should be at the beginning, I think. (Barring the last few sentences.)

I read Chapter 2 and it has the same issue. It leaps into the action too quickly and doesn't take time to set the scene.

--> Also, ending your chapters on movement: 'The young woman sighed and snapped the reins of her horse and continued on her way. They'd be in <TOWN> soon, and they still had a ways to go....' Naturally leads the character into the next chapter. It shows the character is always moving, headed towards the end of their arc -->. Rather than the chapter just abruptly ending, e.g. See here:

Helen – no, it was Helene, now – smiled to herself as she followed Calvin to where the other guards were starting to eat. She'd managed to get over the first hurdle.
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I think it's obvious what you do well (dialogue/internal monologue/showing not telling), but I'd say focus on giving the reader a bit more time to get into the immersion and sensations of the scene before delivering exposition/plot developments.
 
Bastion said:
Just immediately: highly recommend introducing the reader to the time/date/place/location of your story rather than jumping straight into the character's shoes in chapter 1. Having a passive-voice (short) intro that creates immersion and sets the tone for the genre you're writing in is a lot better than heading into the protagonist's POV from the off-set (imho.)



This should be at the beginning, I think. (Barring the last few sentences.)

I read Chapter 2 and it has the same issue. It leaps into the action too quickly and doesn't take time to set the scene.

--> Also, ending your chapters on movement: 'The young woman sighed and snapped the reins of her horse and continued on her way. They'd be in <TOWN> soon, and they still had a ways to go....' Naturally leads the character into the next chapter. It shows the character is always moving, headed towards the end of their arc -->. Rather than the chapter just abruptly ending, e.g. See here:



I think it's obvious what you do well (dialogue/internal monologue/showing not telling), but I'd say focus on giving the reader a bit more time to get into the immersion and sensations of the scene before delivering exposition/plot developments.
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Thanks for the constructive feedback.

I suppose my perspective is slightly slanted by the fact that I know the character well - I've been playing Helene for over two years in a table-top setting. Also I'm telling the story from her perspective and she knows the setting well, so I'm probably tending towards explaining the world as the story goes, rather than dumping readers into the lands of Sembia and Cormyr and the Dales then trudging onwards.

But I can take that on board for future chapters, certainly. :)
 
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