𝕮𝖆𝖓𝖙𝖆'𝖘 𝕰𝖕𝖍𝖊𝖒𝖊𝖗𝖆 | Comments welcome

[Cantarella]

Rather than cluttering my tracker thread with music, quotes, character mood boards, worldbuilding, inspiration, and sundry, I will be putting things in here from now on. Probably easier for those who simply use my other thread as a tracker.

Stay tuned- this thing will be crammed to the gills soon enough. ​

 

[Cantarella]

I was an island
Was I treading? Was I fleeing?
I was silent
I could barely hear me breathing
I know I've lived as a quiet apology
I'm sorry to you
And I'm sorry to me
I've got grief in my marrow
Will you marry me still?

(Thao and the Get Down- "Marrow")​

 

[Cantarella]

"Where is the madness that you promised me?
Where is the dream for which I paid dearly?"

(The Velvet Teen- "No One Will Ever Love You")​

 

[Cantarella]

Sundry Quotes

"The pure at heart go putrid when the wolfbane blooms."

"The fresh-flowering garden was laid waste by a storm, the rosy meadows withered; the west wind, Zephyros, was beaten by the dry leaves of the whirling cypresses."

"When the Hail Marys you've been saying lose their savor, just when your dungeon walls feel like they're closing in- whose are those bloody knuckles reaching down to grab you just as the last of the light overhead is growing dim?"

"For me, there exists not good nor evil; and my will is always the same. Ye alone know evil, who will that which ye will not."

"Galaxies have fallen in my cupped hands. I have drunk the stars."

"Here, at the dawn of a new age, at the end of the war, all that he can focus on is the bend in his elbow, beneath which his veins remain, tangling toward his heart."

"Bright, child sharp, eyes older than her years and younger than her wisdom. Too thin in her woman's frame, in her borrowed clothes. She is sick, she is tired."

"You miss the point; the face in the mirror is a little traitor, the face in the mirror is a pale and naked hostage and no one can tell which room he's being held in."

"We were arguing. You want love to be like this every day, don't you? 92 degrees even in the shade. This intensity, this heat, sun like a disc-saw through your body."

"They say that corpses with their eyes open died in pain. Does that feel like it means something?"

"The view from above-- untethered scrutiny. It helps to have an anchor but your head is going somewhere anyway."

"Every day, more fragments of the past roll around heavily in the chambers of an empty brain, shedding bits of color, a sentence or a fragrance, something that changes and then disappears. It drops like a stone to the bottom of the cave."

"It's real work, important work-- something worth fighting for. Something that'll give me a sense of purpose again. You don't have to do this alone."

"You'd follow me anywhere, wouldn't you? Straight into hell. I can't do that to you again."

"And where were you twenty years ago? Ten years ago? Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to? How dare you! How dare you come to me now, when I am this!"

"Like I’ve swallowed your house keys, and it feels so natural, like the bullet was already there, like it’s been waiting inside me. Do you want it? Do you want anything I have? Will you throw me to the ground like you mean it, reach inside & wrestle it out with your bare hands?"​

 

[Cantarella]

'Delusion, eldest daughter of Zeus who blinds us all, damn her. She never touches the ground with those soft feet of hers but flits over men's heads, corrupting them and shackling one man after another.'​

 

[Cantarella]

"He held her. She looked up into his face and felt as if she were a priestess, her soul lost in the corners of a god's arrogant mouth; as if she were a priestess and a sacrificial offering, both and beyond both, shameless in her laughter, choking, something rising within her, too hard to bear."
-Ayn Rand, We the Living​

 

[Cantarella]

Ay, thou art for the grave; thy glances shine
Too brightly to shine long; another Spring
Shall deck her for men's eyes---but not for thine---
Sealed in a sleep which knows no wakening.
The fields for thee have no medicinal leaf,
And the vexed ore no mineral of power;
And they who love thee wait in anxious grief
Till the slow plague shall bring the final hour.
Glide softly to thy rest then;
Death should come
Gently, to one of gentle mould like thee,
As light winds wandering through groves of bloom
Detach the delicate blossom from the tree.
Close thy sweet eyes, calmly, and without pain;
And we will trust in God to see thee yet again.


- William Cullen Bryant, Consumption​

 

[Cantarella]

Here`s to all the "traitors", the well-be-ers, the madmen/women, the eightballs, the hedonists, the laughers and jokers and insane people.
A toast to the ones who made it this far, who made us go this far, who took the madness to the right level.
A toast to the genuine people, the beautiful people, the oddballs and strangers.
-Kim Solvang Andersen​

 

[Cantarella]

One'a these days, I wanna write an RP that is completely satirical, down to the smut. I wanna write the worst thing BMR has ever seen, and I will relish every minute of it. ​

 

[Cantarella]

Two more today. Short but sweet. Skipped one of my sessions this Friday, cut the other short, and Saturday session went well. We were all laughing to the point of tears, and I had a coughing fit from the laughter. I was able to pay a little better attention today, whereas I've struggled a lot with attentiveness for awhile. My DM took a moment to congratulate me on one year with the group. I had thought it was back in October that I joined, but wow, a year in Marune and some months in Theron!

Here's to Nut (and Morph, as you can't have one without the other) and Nerezza. And to everyone there. To Semyon, and Sessko, and Tork and Keraghar and Vontharm, to Eltinar and Zarbon and Lyre, to the entire party. To both parties. You've been such wonderful friends to me.

My posts have still been slow going but I am writing when I can. I haven't been pushing myself, but I can't help but feel as though I'm still not at my best, that things feel jumbled. But I'm trying.​

 

[Cantarella]

I'm gonna tiptoe around getting too personal here, as those who care will ask and I'd prefer not to expose everyone who didn't sign up for it to my issues.

I'm not gonna lie. The past nearly four months have been Hell. Between my medical team consistently dropping the ball and leaving me in a constant state of crisis, to family problems, to financial difficulties, it's been a very difficult time. Some of you are aware of the depths of it, most of you have no idea other than I've had trouble writing in a consistent way.

And I'd like to apologize for that.

Each of you signed up for more consistency than I've given you, more focus than I've been able to allocate with as much anxiety I've had about the future. I can say with utmost certainty that I've been doing my best, and that I cherish every single story I have, each for different reasons. Every one of your has offered respite to a weary soul, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for it. I couldn't have maintained my sanity if not for all of you.

But, as we've been at rock bottom for so long, we've had nowhere to go but up. And up is where we appear to be headed after all this time. Hubby has finally found work, which is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I can work for my own reasons now. I have an appointment with someone who could change our lives for the better even still, in a little less than two months. While family is still a touchy subject, the wedding is rapidly approaching. We can finally plan in earnest with a lot of the financial burden taken off.

It's like I can take a breath after being underwater for so long. I know it's bad news to have so much hope after all this time when we're still in trouble in a lot of ways, but god, if I didn't need that lifeline. That one little spark that will keep me going for awhile longer.

Maybe, just maybe, things will be okay again. I just need to keep the faith.​

 

[Cantarella]

"Sling me under the sea.
Pack me down in the salt and wet.
No farmer's plow shall touch my bones.
No Hamlet hold my jaws and speak
How jokes are gone and empty is my mouth."​

 

[Cantarella]

So, it appears that the hell months are far from over. I posted a status update a couple days ago saying I had received bad news, and for the sake of transparency, I thought I'd tell you all exactly what I meant.
(Potentially triggering text concerning serious illness under the cutoff, discretion is advised)
​

---

My older brother's cancer has returned.
Three years ago, he had a brain bleed and a seizure, and a malignant tumor was found in his brain. He underwent surgery, and they got the entire tumor out of his occipital lobe. He was left with some vision loss, but he survived, and he was able to avoid chemo and radiation.
Every few months since the surgery, he's had an MRI done on his head, and up until a couple weeks ago, he's been in the clear. But as of two days ago, it has been confirmed that the tumor has returned in the same place the old tumor was.

We find out two weeks prior to my wedding what the prognosis is, if it's operable, and what the plan of action is. I offered to leave my job to help with his young daughters, two and three years old respectively, as I am the only person their mother trusts to watch them. I'll take a financial hit, but it's worth it to make sure they're all taken care of and safe.

On the wedding front... things are looking grim. Due to fuel prices, almost no one can make it. We're down to less than twenty expected out of the original fifty, so we're going to have to pivot. We're probably just going to elope and have a big party afterwards, as its hardly worth going through all this over so few people being able to attend. I have only one bridesmaid left, my fiancé has one or two groomsmen, my brother's prognosis will be looming over us (as selfish as that sounds), and overall it looks like it'll be a bust.

That said, I took my wedding dress to the seamstress today to get it fixed up and altered.

I'll be damned if I don't get to wear it and be beautiful for a day, even if the rest of it's ruined. ​

 

[Cantarella]

I've been playing a lot of tabletop RPGs while I've been on this semi-hiatus of mine, including now learning Pathfinder 2E.
For some background- Pathfinder 1E was my first foray into the world of tabletop RPGs. I first played all the way back in 2011, when I was all of nineteen years old. Practically an infant. I was encouraged to play by my then-boyfriend, who GMed for me and some of his friends, who were all veterans of TTRPGs in general, not just Pathfinder, and each a decade or more my senior.
We played a campaign called Curse of the Crimson Throne. And he and I broke up, rather explosively, before I ever got the opportunity to finish it.
I spent many hours in those halcyon days of my youth immersing myself into the world of Golarion- information almost entirely forgotten now that I'm in my thirties, and having spent many years thinking I'd never return to that mythical place, let alone to Korvosa to revisit the campaign I was dropped from.
My husband decided after saying for over a year he has no interest in Pathfinder (not that I blame him- 1E is very clunky and not the most beginner-friendly) that he would like to GM it, his decision solidified after a playtest.
On account of scheduling issues with several of our regular players, he decided he wanted to have two of the adventure paths running concurrently, adapted for 2E... and what did he pick, but Curse of the Crimson Throne?
Which got me to thinking:
Life really is a cyclical thing.
Eleven years ago, I was a frightened girl at a table full of people much older than myself, unsure of myself, unsure of my skills, too scared to roleplay even though I had done it through message boards for a decade by then, being urged by a man I was sure I would marry and have a family with to relax and let it flow. And here I am, now thirty years old, married to my GM, expecting his son in December, hopefully finally getting the closure I so craved in the immediate fallout of the breakup.
To say things are idyllic despite my continued inability to write would be an understatement.​

 

[Cantarella]

Been rather productive in regards to posts lately. I'm still nowhere near my peak of four hefty posts per day, but I am catching up.
Rather proud of myself for that, and I think it may have more than a little to do with either the nesting urge or the books I've been reading as of late.
They don't have good prose at all, but reading always helped me find my muse again.

I am into my August and September posts now, which is not bad at all. Not compared to before. I rather enjoy having much fewer RPs on my plate than I would have last year, and taking my time with each. It allows me the time to really digest the material, and give better quality replies.

Or, so I hope, but no one has complained- I'll take that as a compliment, even if it is an unspoken one. ​

 

[Cantarella]

Been awhile, BMR. I would apologize for that, but as a partner of mine said, I should never have to apologize for Real Life, as it takes priority over writing every time.

So, we moved! Yay, right? Wrong. The home we waited two months for and were told was complete in terms of renovations... was not complete, far from it in fact. It hadn't even been cleaned, and there's still broken, rotted wood everywhere, uneven flooring, stained carpeting when we were told it was new, holes in the walls, nails, screws, tacks, and staples sticking up everywhere... Oh, and we have mice! Fun! In short, it's a deathtrap for my baby, as it can't be babyproofed the way I'd like it to be. I appealed to the maintenance people (the same people who did this shoddy job in the first place) on behalf of my child, and they will be continuing to renovate it as we live here. A pain in the ass, for sure, but it's better than the lackluster response we got at first.

So I've been attempting to clean the house and unpack while juggling my duties as a wife and mother and it's very difficult to do. Hubby's pulling some OT so we can afford a cleaner to come over and deep clean the areas I haven't been able to get to and don't have the time to work on.

That's just the first layer to the shit cake, unfortunately. Aside from the fact that we need to take our car to the shop (again) I'm not able to talk about the rest of it without fear of judgement or, well, the fact that it's potentially TMI.

Anyway, I've obviously been unable to do posts right now as I've been busy and distracted. I will get back to you all individually when I can, but right now's not the time. Thank you for your patience.

 

[Cantarella]

Been awhile since I had the time to sit down and verbally vomit in this space, BMR. But tonight I'm feeling pensive and I have the time now, so why not?

I've been thinking about times gone by lately, spurred on by going back to a place that used to be the life of the party. I got my start seriously RPing on a site that used to be incredibly popular with teenagers back in the '00s and into the '10s, and I decided on a whim to go back and take a look at it, see if anyone's still around, and a thread I used to frequent when I was all of 14 years old or so had activity in it. That, and I threw my hat in to test the waters in another thread full of former friends who unceremoniously ghosted me around the time my grandmother died.

It got me to thinking about those old faces, about where everyone's gone. I've since become a wife and mother, married to someone I met on that site when I was 16, and I'd wager some of those old users are in the same boat, in one way or another. I wish there was a way to reach some of those people, but I'm being ghosted by one group and ignored by an old, close friend altogether.

Perhaps it's better if I took the hint, dropped it all, left it all and let go, but nostalgia is a hell of a drug.

 

[Cantarella]

Hello again, BMR. I've been mostly AWOL since late October, aside from lurking here and there when I've had the time and energy to come 'round. And there's good reason for that, I promise. I haven't willfully ghosted anyone; I've merely had a very full plate and a very small stomach.

It all started when we moved in early October. Not a major move, mind you, it was to another unit directly across the dirt road we live on. We attempted to take our ISP with us, but they notified us we'd need to wait 4-6 weeks for them to come wire this unit to receive their services. Now, we absolutely could have gone with another provider, but this one is by far the most affordable in our neck of the woods, and it was really a no-brainer.

So we waited.

In the interim, we used a mobile hotspot to get wi-fi, but between voice calls for our several weekly DnD and CoC games, and watching shows and hubby's downloads, that data went quickly.

We also went traveling rather suddenly around the first of November, and were away for almost two weeks. I did bring my laptop with me while we were traveling, but I don't think I opened it up a single time while I was away. We ended up traveling from Sacramento, down to the Bay area, and to the Monterey bay, and then finally to Phoenix, Arizona. With a baby in tow, no less. It was exhausting, but I had a wonderful time and saw family I hadn't seen in years. We also decided while we were there that we would need to move closer if we wanted to maintain a relationship with these family members. So, we'll be moving again probably in the middle of next year. A big, bold cross-country move.

Here's a picture I took outside the Monterey Bay Aquarium.




When we got home, our ISP was hooked up. Yay! Unfortunately, a health issue I developed during the summer had started acting up while we were away and continued to be debilitating once I returned home. So between keeping house and minding my baby, who will be turning 1 in a week, and feeling terrible, I stopped prioritizing returning to RP. What time I had to myself was spent on self-care.

Needless to say, I've been on a bit of an unannounced hiatus, and I do apologize for not saying anything, but I've been ill enough that now my doctor wants to run scans to see if there's something there that shouldn't be. I'm currently waiting on the hospital to call me to set up these scans. It's not on an emergent basis, so it could take awhile. The good news is that my doctor put me on medication to try to help mitigate the symptoms, and it's helped a good deal. I'm hoping that means I'll be up to playing soon.

 

[Cantarella]

Been a minute since I've posted here. Not for a lack of things to say, but for a lack of the words needed to express it.

I guess I'll start with the fact that we're still here, and the move I was so excited for last year never happened. It was a blow, I'm not going to lie, but it came on the tail of my husband's inability to find work in the community we live in. Although I came into money, we could not escape, and for a time, I despaired. It felt like we were doomed to stay in a place that could not support the life we wanted.

But then, just as the money ran out, my husband made a sort of hail Mary, and attempted again to enlist in the military. It took a while, and I had to return to work for a little while to support the family, but he finally cleared MEPS, and as of September 24th, he shipped out to Army Basic Training.

So, for now, I am the sole parent of a toddler, in college full-time, and holding down the fort while he's away. For obvious reasons, writing is difficult to find time for right now. I don't get to play DnD as much as I'm accustomed to, either, as my primary DM was my husband, and the loss of that has hurt as well. Creatively speaking, I'm very stifled and pent up, and when I do get to do a little writing, it feels great. Any little bit of plotting, any morsel of worldbuilding or work for my remaining campaigns, and I'm a happy camper, even if it does take me awhile to get back to thinking about that.

 

[Cantarella]

"Post tenebras lux"
(After darkness, I hope for light)​

 

[Cantarella]

Been a minute, BMR. Well, kinda; I've been in and out since late May, dropping posts here and there, some OOC, but largely I've been scarce, not picking up anything new and barely able to commit to what projects I do have. For that I owe some apologies, but I have good reason. So, here's the cliffnotes of it.

My husband graduated boot camp in mid-December, three weeks later than he ought to have. We had two beautiful weeks together, just the three of us, before I sent him off to finish his 20-week training in early January. That sucked, and he ended up staying three additional weeks there, too, which came out to a grand total of nearly 10 months away from home. Which also really, really sucked, especially with me isolated with a toddler the whole time with next to no familial support. But! He finally finished and was allowed to return home early this month. This time, he was approved for three weeks of leave, which we used part of to finish up our business in state, pack up, and move to his family's apartment in California.

But it hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows. Despite the assurance that it would not happen, that it's unheard of, that it's cruel and unusual and they wouldn't do this to a family man, my husband was given orders to South Korea...

Without our son and I.

BOO! So, that sucks. That really, really, super duper fucking sucks. He's supposed to be doing a year there- without us- and I'm supposed to stay here in California while he's away. He's already re-applied for command sponsorship to get us over there too and get his tour extended to two to three years, but he said it'll take awhile. So, I'm not holding my breath that we'll get approved, or even considered, until his tour is nearly over.

Anyway. So yeah, we made the move out west that we wanted, but I have to spend it away from my husband, solo parenting a toddler that he left before he turned two, until he's nearly four years old. Which is nowhere near my idea of a good time.

So yeah, that's where I've been this month. I'm still on LOA from school, but I will be going back to it fairly soon- probably next month- but in the meantime, I plan on getting back writing where I can.

Thanks for your patience, everyone.