Twitterings of a Nervous Bird

[HummingbirdHeart]

As the inaugural post, I'll say I'm open to comments but this is largely a space for reflection. I'll share my daily tarot reading, maybe some invocations/affirmations, all that meditation I've been telling myself I'll start doing.

~8/30/21~

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Daily Draw: IV of Swords (Reversed) ~ Restlessness, Burnout, Stress

Why yes. That about sums up the experience of the day. I had sincerely hoped to wash the bad taste of last week out of my mouth when I sat down at work this morning. But it became increasingly apparent that I was in for another uphill battle. It was the kind of day where a brief breakdown at your desk is imminent, leading to further appreciation of the fact that you're still working from home. At the end of it, though, comes the reward. Settling in with pleasant interactions, replies to write and plans to be made, it's all I could ask for after dipping my toe into a nightmarish Monday. Intent is everything, and I intend to make the rest of the week better than this day. If not that, then I at least intend to make it to the long weekend. Once I'm there I'm free, the mantra of anyone and everyone just looking for a little time off.

Daily Invocation: I am stronger than the pressure pushing down on me.

Daily Music: If there's a hole in the silver lining I'll be the one, the one to find it

 

[HummingbirdHeart]

~8/31/21~

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Daily Draw: The Empress (Reversed) ~ Dependence, Smothering, Emptiness

Someone flipped a nurturing card on its head. Is there something I've been smothering lately? Have I been stunting my own growth? I would say the emptiness is at play most here. If anything is being smothered it's me, smothered with responsibility while being more dependent on others than I'd like. But the emptiness, that's the real issue. Of course there's always the notion that something is missing from your life, even if sometimes that something is just a hint of passion. Today more than most others I don't seem to be taking an interest in the activities I usually enjoy. Over the past couple of weeks my mood has declined, dipping past vague disinterest into a new territory of complete refusal of the things that bring me joy. My head tells me to bury myself in the work to survive until the weekend, but spending nights unable to commit myself more to the things I enjoy has certainly left me lacking.

Daily Invocation: I will recollect my passions and remind myself of their joy.

Daily Music: Perhaps it's best if I continue, starring me as you, me as you.

 

[HummingbirdHeart]

~9/1/21~

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Daily Draw: VII of Swords ~ Deception, Trickery, Turning a Blind Eye

I've really been hitting the negative draws lately, haven't I? They say what you put into the world is what you get out of it, for all the positivity I'm trying to put forth it seems like it's hard to get a return on my investment. The only deception I've faced is when I tell myself I'm not as tired or as burnt out as I think I am. It's a tale as old as time with stress and mental illness, but always impossible to avoid. Or maybe the deception is hopelessness itself. When I lose myself to pessimism I'm digging myself into a deeper hole. Whatever stressors the day may bring, if I face them with resolve I'll breathe easier at the end of it all. I slept poorly last night, but can you blame me? My thoughts were preoccupied with things outside of my control. I know there's no use trying to get a leg up on my work, but what if all I want is to feel less like I'm drowning at the beginning of each day? No matter which point in the cycle gives, it's something I have to work to break.

Daily Invocation: I am capable of finding peace amidst chaos.

Daily Music: I have never known sleep like the slumber that creeps to me. I have never known color like this morning reveals to me.

 

[HummingbirdHeart]

~9/2/21~

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Daily Draw: VIII of Swords (Reversed) ~ Self-Acceptance, New Perspective, Freedom

Heavy on the swords recently, although I can't complain as much now that the draw is mostly associated with positivity. And I have practiced some self-acceptance today. It's easy to forget in customer service roles that you're a human with the same value as someone else. I've come a long way since I started my job, no longer teary-eyed as soon as someone isn't completely satisfied. If I can't provide something you can rant all you want to but the terms of my position will not change. Anger has made me steadier, even when I can't raise my tone back at an aggressor. And it helps to feel supported. For all the chaos and terror that comes with work, I do have a network of positivity within my team. There are people who appreciate me. It's easy to forget sometimes, but a joy to remember. Even on days when negativity abounds, I should try to rely on the support systems around me.

Daily Invocation: My heart is full and my head is clear, I am able to enjoy the moment at hand.

Daily Music: I will not settle for, settle for anything but love.

 

[HummingbirdHeart]

~9/3/21~

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Daily Draw: The Empress ~ Motherhood, Fertility, Nature

Anything I pull regarding fertility just immediately feels a little bit off. But I've been known to be a "Mom" Friend. I have a habit of taking care of things even when I know that they can be done by other people. It's the real reason I've learned to take on added responsibilities. In a way, I learned it from my both my mother and my father. If something needs doing, you step up to the plate and do it. I've tried to hold my tongue, not bite off more than I can chew, but I buckle as soon as we're asked a second time. I've devoted too much of myself to this, my desk job becoming as involved as caring for a newborn. Monitoring constantly, anticipating needs, ever reliable and always put upon. And the worst part is knowing I do it to myself. Someone else can handle it, it's my turn for some rest.


Daily Invocation: My success do not come at the sacrifice of my sanity.

Daily Music: Because I did the best I could, I got taken down again. But I got fire in my blood, I got sugar on my skin, and I got nowhere to begin.