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Im not insane..

My great grandma died this summer in July and it was hard on me. Now my grandmother was killed by a driver while taking a morning walk some six feet away from the road. I miss her, and already things have gotten heavy. I cleared out my bank accounts to pay for my family's trip down here immediately. Due to it being thanks giving the rates were ok but with so many people still rather heavy. We couldn't get a bereavement package because we had to come down to claim the body with my uncle who's barely able to function at times due to grief.

I'm in Palm Bay, in a house that's 1 of 2 on almost a whole block. No streetlights, horrible cellphone coverage and AT&T internet but no wifi. Last night had to go break up an argument. People are already coming forward and with no proof other than their claims saying they are owed money and various items in the house. We can't even tell people where the house is due to the fact they may try to swipe things. We don't even get the body till tmr. I really don't know what to do while I'm down here in Palm Bay.
 
So I write out a lovely eulogy, then get told I'm sharing it with someone. Someone who in essence wasn't fond of my grandmother but due to relation is demanding a say. Also this person doesn't know the difference between a eulogy and an obituary. I had a bit of an argument with relatives I haven't seen since I was a child who it seems discount me as being of any use because I'm a young male. I'm the only male of her grand children. It seems I'm also the only grandchild that no one cares if I receive anything to remember her by. Oh well, life marches on.
 
I have never really felt alone due to a bit of an overactive imagination. Yet recently that's changed. I find myself sitting down in the middle of tasks and just not caring if I finish unless its something tedious. I feel absolutely left to my own devices and wholly ut off. I've been trying to clean my room all day yet can only focus on the closet while the rest of it remains a mess. I look at my dresser and ponder on moving it yet am more interested in the direction the Lego AT-AT walker atop it will face. I don't know what sparked this, usually I get side tracked but it seems now I'm just going in loops.
 
I'm so sorry to hear this...... hopefully the cycle can break soon. But sometimes things outside the realm of our control can sidetrack us in ways we don't expect or even realize. Perhaps that's what's causing this? You've been through a lot lately.... so maybe that's part of it. Either way... *hugs*
 
I've been stabbed before, viciously beaten, hit by a car, purposefully burned with an iron, strangled, thrown from a window, and watched someone I loved die. Yet none of it has ever hurt as much as when I see a young kid playing with his dad and try to come up with a truly good memory of my father and fail miserably. I guess I still have daddy issues.
 
Once again, I've gone from having 4 rps, to none in a matter of a few weeks. Maybe its time to pack it on for a while and go back to writing on my own?
 
My life priorities are rather set but thanks for the sentiment. I've worked through much this past year.
 
Walked into traffic the other day. It was a perplexing moment of an absolute lack of self preservation. I didn't run across or try to dart through cars or some such. I just walked regardless of the light and was lucky enough not to be hit. No clue what was going through my head, wasn't on my phone, wasn't doing anything, just walked. I'd say I was suicidal except with the fact that I work in a mental hospital I know far better ways to effectively kill myself and make it seem like an accident so I don't end up committed if I'm caught. Just had a moment I guess.
 
I always seem to fall for the wrong people. Maybe its time to give up and be alone for a bit, focus on myself, be selfish, give nothing and take as much as I can? Maybe its time to begin sleeping with drunk girls, and letting people make bad decisions. Maybe its time to look out for only myself and stop being kind?
 
Learned that one of my uncles was torn apart by several cars and a tractor trailer the other day and as a result I've been both concerned about his death but reminded of my grandmother. I've been writing, a lot, in random places, everywhere but where I should be. Its completely irrational and I just jump at it, my mules on gaia, on my phone, to friends, family, but I can't focus at work. I'm so..despondent, yet energetic, so somber but angry, and its not a feeling I like. I can't honestly remember where I felt such a way. I like just having this one feeling. Feeling like it matters and I can just...breathe and try to work on things in my head and work it out. But every time I go into my head I'm sitting there at Thanksgiving 6 years ago and my mother is coming downstairs and telling me my grandma is dead, and then the next morning I am sitting up and feeling hopelessly alone. I can't express the feeling, like breaking off into pieces and watching each die its separate death and leave a whole behind. I've lost so many people in the last 2 years, and it seems like its just piling up and never going to even slow down. I just have this suit hanging like a spectre of death knowing I'm going to have to pull it on again and stand there watching someone I cared for laid into the earth. I accept it, I process it, so what is this feeling?
 
So today I learned from a mutual friend my ex has written a piece of erotica. It talks basically about a good deal of our sex life with the roles reversed back and forth depending on whichever she feels makes her look better. I'd be impressed but at 14 pages I've written longer papers over a weekend. I also find it amusing that folk who know me will learn a whole heaping lot about my sexual proclivities due to her lack of imagination.
 
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