Patreon LogoYour support makes Blue Moon possible (Patreon)

Im not insane..

Anansi

Anansi

Supporter
Supporter
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Although if I am it would be hard to perform an adequate self evaluation wouldnt it?
 
I once read a magnet that said, "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." You just have to be positive ^.^
 
Its funny because I don't particularly enjoy or detest, I just incorporate it into my general being and take amusement in the socially inappropriate.
 
Its odd how people say things like a "kiss is just a kiss". To me at least its not so for a real kiss. A real kiss becomes a memory, a complete whole moment you can relive at any second, the feel of hair as you brush it back, fingers delicately brushing up your chin trembling like a nervous ballet dancers legs slender and strong yet quivering, the feel of warmth and moisture as their lips part, the slow curtain fall of your eyelids, the feel of breath not your own running into you, filling you with life as your maker did some long distant ancestor, the trail of your digits along the back then down to the hip, your tongues stroking each other like lovers long separated in the throes of bottled passion that spills into the now unified cavern of your mouths. Everything else fades away and its just you, no longer the two in a sense just the one, sharing breath, and as your hand meets their jawline resting just beneath and theirs your chest you can feel the one heartbeat of the moment. Any less is just a smooch
 
It might just happen this year and it scares me. For every year of my twenty two years on earth you have coaxed and cajoled me into doing things for you or taking things because next year you might die. I never ever wanted to believe it, but now everyone is saying its inevitable. You're too old to fight it any more. I just wanted to be the kind of person in personality who you were. Unapologetic and true to self. You're the kindest, most gentle, most wonderful woman to grace this earth, you were always there for me with a quiet strength and dignity I've marveled at since childhood. Even at ninety six you still manage to get around your house, do chores, tend your garden. You only have that helper there to cook and clean because frankly you've always been a bit sneaky about it. You always taught me, whatever I choose, make the choice for myself. I know the choices I've made were not the ones you wanted, but you'd never shun me. You would never look down on me, regardless of how much anyone has messed up in our family you have this infinite well of forgiveness to dole out. I was filled with so much rage as a child yet you managed to quell it, your tranquil benevolent nature changes all around you. I don't know what to do if you go. I'm the scared little boy I was at the funeral all those years ago when I first saw you cry. I've never wanted to be anything but perfect when I'm around you. Its surprising how little I've ever thought on the concept of your death. You are ancient yet you've aged so well. I can see your age now though, a face weather beaten, lined like aged stone carved with a chisel, your blind eye, your dentures, the silver hair that though full shows your age in its extreme contrast to my own. In your arms I have known love, happiness, security, tranquility, and understanding. You were the person that formed my ideal of god, and maybe that's why I pull half of the things I do. Unending forgiveness and love. That has always who I have understood you to be. I know its selfish to deny you your deserved rest, I know if anyone you will make it to heaven if it exists. But I don't want you to go. I won't be alone, but what do you do when the physical manifestation of everything you know you should strive to be goes? Will I get better? Will I get worse? Or will I just break down and cry ending up in the psych ward like I've always known might one day happen?
 
You are just another person I don't need mucking up my life. You call yourself a man, you say you are a father, I see neither. I honestly now truly understand, and I don't pity you, I won't be like them. I'm not angry, I'm not sad, I'm not lonely. I do wish, just wish I could feel something more than a sickening emptiness when I look at you. Its no longer one I want filled, I'm 22 I don't need a dad anymore, I just want to move forward. Yet you insist on being around, making demands, forcing your views on anyone that stands still long enough. You love to say the word Christian, and Evangelist, yet what has it gotten you? A room in your parents basement? The disgust of two of your three children? An ex wife who seeks to drain you for everything she can? You have nothing to show for all of your supposed hard work. You're not even really a man, you're just a large child who's found a new trick.
 
Even Flow..thoughts arrive like butterflies

I guess this describes me to a point. My thoughts are scattered, scrambled. I don't particularly try to stem or mesh them. I say what I want, when I want, I don't particularly try for sense or logic sometimes. I say random things at times. I don't get why people always assume I mean something by them, everyone seems really eager to feed into some of the nonsense I spout. "Oh you said you wanted to visit" Ok, I say that to lots of people, but rarely do I say "I want to visit you" there's a reason for this, I have family all over. I can travel to almost any major city and find a relative or at least a close enough relative to survive. I like visiting family, I happen to be in the area, you are of little consequence. I can seem to be completely enraptured with something but have it be a passing fancy and vice versa. Maybe its familiarity breeding contempt but there are some who I am extremely close to who I rarely talk to due to various situations and oddities. I don't try to explain anymore. Its just a hassle, hey, how are you, hows your family, yeah its been years. We just catch up like nothings changed on my end, I have more money, more stability, you? He's dead, she's pregnant, this guy died, she killed herself, that guy etc etc. It just comes flowing out. We update one another and we go on. Its kinda strange I guess. I also don't have a conventional mourning system I guess, possibly due to the people seemingly come out of the woodworks and replace others. With exception to family everyone I've ever had in my life has had someone show up within a week who could fulfill their role, its always odd to see but that's how it works. I don't really get close to internet folks, I mean, I seem to but much of the time its just kinda, hi there, etc etc. I like to be expressive, I don't want to hold back, I'll say and do whatever. Life goes forward and I don't have to wonder what if. I'm not afraid of my net rep, I never understood those who are. Rejection, betrayal, insults, etc, why let it bother you when at the end of the day, you close the window and its gone? Then again...I might be crazy...probably
 
I was told by a friend of mine the other day, "You love without expectation or hope, and that is what scares me about you." I had no clue what she meant, I found it unnerving she would say such a thing about me till I looked into it. I believe that love is knowledge of who another person is and acceptance of it without compensating or hiding faults. I connect with many people, I don't ever expect anything from them. I may say I do...but I don't and it seems to be approached by some as a sort of damage. I don't think anyone is my friend till they have proven as such and even then its something of extreme frailty that can be severed in a matter of seconds. I had a friend for ten years who I loved dearly but I simply walked away after a small childish argument over her curfew and lack of effort. It was the easiest thing in the world to do for me, yet for her it was agony as she told everyone but me how she felt.I'm rarely the one to leave, and sometimes I'll admit I'll have a sadistic streak and continue to talk to someone long past their limits, but thats if the channels open. I get people tell me I'm stupid, I'm being manipulated, etc etc...maybe I'm just doing what I want? I've had numerous close friends and loved ones simply gone, severed without any real trace, but I did care for them, I did truly and dearly love them. Thing is, I was always raised to believe you should be the one willing to love, but not the one willing to care. I put myself out, I will say what there is to be said, some take it as insta-friendship as my easy smile and laugh, my sharing nature and the fact that I would never put a price on them is something that shows investment. They are not, I form bonds based around mutual understanding and I realize most don't understand. As of current I've found four people who do and I consider them my closest friends but I don't talk to them much. I have hundreds of others who consider themselves so..but I often wonder if its cowardice in letting them believe as such, I've even had a few throw it in my face and go "Oh you were so invested, I was never your friend." and so I walk away and let it go, it really doesn't bother me. I may ask a few questions here and there but other than that..there is nothing in my mind that creates a desire to hold onto these things. Family I have an exception to as I am very protective and invested in my family, but even those bonds are easily severed. However with so called friends, I'll hang out, Ill laugh, I'll pitch in, but when it comes to certain things I'll just cut and leave. I don't look past faults in others due to caring, I point them out, blatantly and if necessary painfully to them. I have no problem simply showing favoritism or interest based on past events, if I've know you two or twenty years our friendship's length is weighed quite less than the activities of said friendship. I currently have several people who bemoan my very existance due to the fact that "I'm not a real friend etc etc" yet, I ask why do they try to associate with me? I never get why those who claim to not care or to be annoyed or hurt by others would initiate conversation, attempt to show of desirable qualities, and even more so trying to hurt another when its being severed. If its done, then its done, am I not wrong? You want to cast me aside, and I frankly don't particularly mind being able to go about my business regardless of the issue. In a relationship, its quite the contrary, when I actually get to the point of the supposed "in love state" I find it hard to let people go, but will do so usually without a real fight due to the sheer fact that it's possible we can each do better. If we are breaking up, then obviously there was something that has caused it and maybe we need time to look past that or we are simply not meant to be. I've sustained relationships, and friendships far past breaking points, I've had 8 of my 22 years be in commited relationships though there were short breaks within. I know what it is to love and be loved and frankly I love myself too much to simply let another devalue me and make me change. If I meet the one, that special one person who is meant for me, maybe I will change but I want to want it. I want to feel like that person is the person my heart seeks. I guess in summary I remember what my mother always tells me "You can't love anyone, till you love yourself. You should always try to be the one who is loved more by being more desireable and trying harder not by holding back. Love the person like they will be gone tomorrow and always faintly expect them to be. Your heart will break, your soul will tear, your body will hurt, but like everything in the human body, surviving and thriving will make it stronger." People say I act out and I do things causing drama and such and such, I've gotten alot better than I was. I think, maybe I'm just trying to find more of what people consider normal, what it is out there that makes people..well more human. I act, I feel, I am someone who is honest and sincere in what I say..but deep down I think somewhat differently on how you and I. There are your problems, and my problems..but rarely are their our problems my goals may coincide, even my wants but in the end its two individuals. I want there to be more our problems...I want to want to see the next day together, I want to truly and deeply care about maintaining a friendship based on hoping that tomorrow will be better rather than expecting it to end.
 
So my dad is still trying to screw me over by getting me jobs and then attempting to get the money before I get it...gah what dickery.
 
Become a pimp! Pimps have no boss cept for the Popo... and they aren't really doing anything illegal... are they? Ironic. The Prostitutes are doing something illegal, the people who pick them up are doing something illegal, but the Pimps? They iz juz pimpin?

Please note: This is not real advice, but simply something to make you smile. aweeee.
 
Hey, um... god this is going to be a little awkward...

I know we don't get on the best of terms here, but something pulled me to your journal before i went to mine, and first, I want to say that you have a way with words with some of your stuff. And second:

I want to wish your Grandmother (Great-Grandmother? It's hard to tell sometimes) well. It seems that she had a wonderful life, and was -IS - a wonderful woman, and she will be welcomed above with open arms. It's been said that people don't leave us all at once, but in pieces. Their smell is always the last thing to go, and it's heart-wrenching when it does. But she will always be looking over you, and I'm sure that she's proud of how you've grown and matured over the years, no matter the choices that led you there. I just wanted to let you know that most of us here, even some of the most shallow, are here in this time of need.

Oh, and about your father, tell him you got fired from the job, or try to see if they do direct deposit in a account of yours.
 
I'm a homewrecker...I dunno why, yest 4-8 I went to karaoke, from 5-8 my friend's gf was there, she kept eying me and tried to get me to sing with her on every song she did before asking her bf after about an hr there. From 6-8 she and I sang more songs together than she and her bf did, and her face was lighting up. I saw the signs, and when she made eye contact then excused herself to the bathroom I just sat there. I wondered what it was, it kind of unnerved me, but I knew I wanted it. It felt like this strange sickness creeping up on me and forcing me to submit to a path. My other friend A. welcomed my wandering hands before I asked if she had a bf, which she resolutely answered yes. 30 minutes later we were flirting and joking and she promptly realized what was happening and left. I think I'm just drawn to either unavailable or unhealthy women as a course of action. Really I'd be nothing but sex to them, avoiding the intricacies and complexities of a relationship. I'm not bothered by the presence of a bf, husband, or any other kind of pairing so long as I don't know the person, or I met my desired person first. I want to feel that its wrong, I really, really do...but..its hard. It doesn't even do anything for me knowing they have a bf or husband, in bed, legs around me, groaning about how much better it is, I don't feel satisfaction or validation to hear a woman putting down her significant other. So why? I keep trying to fully understand it? I can't seem to just form healthy relations, even women who are single, it just doesn't work out, but they get a bf, and hell even the day after there's interest? Am I some kind of strange relationship accessory?
 
It was a weird night today, I get off work, go downstairs to a large church gathering, and as I enter it turns somber. As I'm picking up cheese of a platter its announced Chase, a fried of mine I've known for at least ten years, to the point where my memories so far back with him in them blur was in an accident. He's a biker and it was bound to happen, its happened to plenty of friends before. I'm not a worrier, so I continued to eat. Yet, by the time my plate lies empty before me the news comes that he's died on an operating table. I could feel tears welling up but they just kinda backed down...the room was in hysterics so I comforted my grandmother(his godmother) as best I could, and I eventually went about my way, playing gem miner as I charged my phone later, talking about it casually to people. But years, years and years, I've known him, our families close as well. I mean there was a level of familiarity and comfort that it kind of became one of those things you took solace in but forgot about. He was always smiling, joking, laughing and just being an all around great guy. Now that's not going to happen anymore, and I just realized it..and I gushed a bit, maybe three or four small tears..but it happened. I'm still trying to fully come to the kind of conclusion as to what happens with that part of my life from now. In a church where most of the guys around my age were looking out for themselves, a genuinely good guy just isn't coming around anymore. I don't even find it upsetting, just highly implausible and I think in my mind its trying to rationalize it out to some kind of semblance of balance.

Really, I don't want your sympathy, or pity or what not, really don't comment on it, if you have something to say, talk about it to someone else.
 
I find it interesting the simple ways people can communicate a dislike while feigning being friendly in public. I also find it extremely annoying, I believe if you don't like someone, it should be something semi-constant at a minimum and quite open. Don't ignore someone in a group chat then pretend everything is fine at some later time when they're the only person about. Don't make a big fuss about them then suddenly decide its time to talk to them and be friendly, or cut off ties to them in an activity and blame it on some outside source when you clearly have just made your continuation a more clandestine act. It seems rather duplicitous to me to do as such, its always seemed as such, I communicate my feelings. I will always do as such regardless of the time, place, or reasons people list why I should not. If an enemy gains, power, money, or authority, its not a particularly big deal to me to suddenly feel I should forgo any past dealings out of some sense of fear. Why live a lie? Is that anything worth living?
 
I always got taught as a kid that all people wanted love. To some extent or form I guess its true, but there are varying definitions of love. So if its not what I want, or need out of the love you have to offer, do you love me, or do you express your view of love toward me. Do I have to accept this view, this offering made toward me if I find it inferior to my own or do I try to give in return? What is the proper protocol in a society of self? Advertised autonomy is the norm, you do for yourself, think for yourself, but like us, be like us, but if we are the autonomous thinkers that society says, who are the others who defy said conventions. If I defy convention am I autonomous in my independence or simply a farce of autonomy joining one of many subcultures of hive minded beings who feign individual ideals? As such, if I am one of those that does have autonomy, does that give me the right to spur lackluster love and seek it elsewhere? Or is it just too cruel?
 
So as of Wednesday, every Monday and Wednesday from here till August my best friend and I will fight. I decided Wed would be a good day for it as my arms were still sore and worn out from overworking mysel Mon. Its odd to hit him, every time, for a micro second or two I hesitate. Even while hitting at probably 30% I hesitated. I punch him with the sole intent of stopping the minute I feel contact yet I still hurt him. I guess its proof of our bond but still, he asks me to hit, and I do and then he gets back up. I use maybe 60% speed and the 30% power and still I knock him down. He says it doesn't hurt but even as he rises I see the wincing and it pains me, I feel a lump in my throat, and can't help but ask after every other or third strike "Are you okay?" I know it likely seems to him that I'm coddling him. But what do I do? I should be getting him prepared for this tourney in June but I keep wondering what happens if I do go all out? Will it damage our friendship? What happens next week when head blows are brought in and my arms are back to full strength and I up it to 50%. Am I being a good friend by actually doing what he wants, or is each blow wearing away at something within each of us. He says don't stop. hit me three times, and usually less than 10 seconds later he's on his back and the blows have been landed. I can see the pain and frustration on his face and the more I encourage him the more I see his hurt. Today he went to train and lied to me about it, does he think it will help? Will it help? Will he grow stronger on his own and hope that I stagnate? Its hard to tell..hard to tell.
 
So I beat my best friend in a fight. It was 2 rounds of sparring, then I got serious after talking it over with him, even with just my hands I wrecked him. Thing is, I still held back and so did he, cept I didn't use my legs. In an MMA fight, I was purely focused on just my hands and my legs weren't used for anything but blocks on occasion. Tonight he has a real fight, I can't see it going well.
 
Well all you can really do is either cheer him on, or tell him he might get his ass kicked. You both held back however, so perhaps his real fight will go a lot smoother since it isn't a spar.
 
Honestly the guy is much bigger, stronger, and better trained than my boy..but he's going through with it to try and impress a girl who frankly doesn't deserve him I dunno if this will end well.
 
Oh, nuu~ he's making a really stupid decision. Never do dangerous things to impress women...it never ends well. I would probably convince him not to...or at least fight to get better and not to impress some chick.
 
He is doing it to get better and get more experience overall..but one of the reasons he's in a rush is this girl. He's being an idiot and on tues the agreement was "I beat you, you back out" and he reneged and is continuing anyway. However, it is his life, but I told him after I won't support it.
 
I guess I should update this. My boy got seriously hurt during his tournament, the girl was unimpressed as a result and he's now in debt due to hospital bills. I now work at a Psych Hospital. I have since found that I have a lot in common with the kids I work with and they've rapidly grown to trust me which has become a double edged sword as they often come to me in groups now and I can't tend to all of them.

I haven't had a drink since 2010, I find myself being bored much more often. Once my second paycheck comes things will likely change up. The kids intend to try and get me to trim my beard to a more modern style, I refuse to acquiesce.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom