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Cuttlefish Monitor (concluded)

PsionicCuttlefish

Supernova
Joined
Apr 10, 2012
==The Prelude==
As all my RP partners know, I have a lot of trouble getting replies out on any decent timetable, and have had this trouble for years now. There is no good reason for this. When I first started here on BMR, I could manage at least one reply every day, usually more than one. I was quick and responsive, and pleased with myself. And it wasn't just BMR, I was getting a lot of things done that made me happy. For several years now however, it's been the same; I have plenty of time, I do not have hardships blocking me, I just...don't do it. And it's not just with RPs here, it's everything I try to do. My partners here have almost always been kind, understanding, and patient...and, unfortunately, that is the opposite of what I need. I am not happy with myself, I know I can do better. A few days ago, things came to a head and rocked me pretty hard. Something has to change.

==The Problem==
My issue is that I am (and have been for years now) basically locked up in my own head, without anything to keep enough of an eye on me. I don't have anything external imposing a sufficient amount of structure upon me, which is what I need in order to function well. Inside my head, alone, I can't manage myself. But pushing things outside of my head works to help keep me from chronically sinking into the same old mental quicksand. Writing things down for myself is a step in the right direction, but it's not enough. Other people's eyes on me help more. As mentioned, things went particularly badly recently because of my actions (or inactions) and something has to change, so...I am trying something new.

==The Position==
For people on this site who are reasonable and empathetic, it is commonly understood that RP is ultimately a low priority when it comes to competing life interests, and that no one deserves a reply from anyone else on any schedule. Demanding such of another person is unconscionable and egregiously entitled. RP is indeed still a low priority for me as well when compared against competing life interests, but that's just it; most of the time, I don't have other life interests competing with RP time that I want to spend but just have trouble making myself do. I want to be held to a schedule. I want to be held accountable. And I am doing this with RPs because, one, I know historically with myself that when I am in a "getting stuff done" groove on any one thing, it often energizes me for everything else (really, RPs have been a great indicator for me; if I'm getting a lot of RPs done, I'm getting a lot of other stuff done also), and two, this is where I do have other people who know what I'm up to and who can see me...if I put myself out there to be seen.

==The Plan==
Starting Monday, I will be implementing a system to help hold myself accountable for RPs. It will likely consist of a partial time-schedule posted here for myself (exact details to be determined then), but the most important facet is this; I will put a link to this thread in my signature so all my partners can easily see it. I will resolve to make one post in this thread every evening before I turn in. It does not have to be long, it need only be a sentence. It would take me less than a minute to do, a minute that can be spared no matter what is happening. In each of these single-sentence posts, I will say but one thing; I got at least one RP reply out in the day, or why I did not make any RP replies that day. The reason need not be involved, either it is a legitimate and acceptable RL event or...it was me just not getting on with it. Publically exposing this will help motivate me to keep it from happening. In this way, I can have something of a monitor on me, an eye over my shoulder to keep me focused. And if I don't make even a single sentence post here, I implore my partners (or, well...anyone at all really) to badger me with messages as to why I did not do that simple, most minimal thing. (The only acceptable excuse would be literally not having internet access)

Let's see how it goes. Worst case, it doesn't work and I just keep shambling on as I am. Best case, it does work...and maybe I get some of my old energy back.


SCHEDULE:
EDIT: ('20/9/03)
As of right now, there is no particular reason I shouldn't have at -least- one post out EACH day of the week. While some days may have enough going on that I legitimately can't make a post, such occurrences are irregular. A post a day. That's what I need to shoot for right now.



('20/8/03)
Okay, so, starting off with just a basic schedule of my current typical week.
Monday: Should have some posting time
Tuesday: RL stuff
Wednesday: Should have some posting time
Thursday: RL stuff
Friday: Should have some posting time
Saturday: Should have some posting time
Sunday: RL stuff

For Tuesdays, Thursdays, and sundays, I actually do have other engagements and important things I must work on first, and RP posting on those days is unlikely...but, that does NOT mean I will NOT post -here- in the evenings at least. Because while unlikely, it is -possible- sometimes, if I finish everything I do need to do early enough, that I can still get a post out on these days. If I do that, and I have -time- for RP posting afterwards, but don't do it, then that is indeed something I need to note here for myself. If I indeed don't have time for RP posts, then I will still drop a note here saying so for that day.
 
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Monday '20/9/21 report: Could have made a post today. Didn't. Again. Lost focus on the things I needed to do for too long. VERY bad. MUST do better tomorrow.
 
Tuesday '20/9/22 report: Today was...all over the place. Not really any good times to make a post after all, so, just today, that's not a problem...except I missed posting the last -several- days when I could have. So it is a problem. Bleh. Tomorrow, tomorrow for SURE.
 
Wednesday '20/9/23 report: So, I actually ended up being way more solidly busy today than I expected, and didn't have much room to get a post out. And I don't know if I'll have much time tomorrow either. Argh. This is why I needed to get those posts out when I had the chance...
 
Thursday '20/9/24 report: Argh. Screwed up again today. No posts out, but actually ended up having plenty of time to do so. Need to get my head straight tomorrow.
 
Friday '20/9/25 report: Finally managed to get a post out...but ended up wasting a lot of time otherwise today. Argh. Good thing I got a post out, but still unhappy with myself.
 
Saturday '20/9/26 report: was preoccupied with other things today, and have to get to bed early tonight, so I just have to write today off now. No posts outs. Feeling a bit "meh" about that, but at least it isn't just a wasted day. Might not be able to get a post out tomorrow either, not sure yet.
 
Sunday '20/9/27 report: Got one post out within the timeframe I had available. Things also went far better today than they have been over the last week in other areas. I think I might be getting back on track now.
 
Monday '20/9/28 report: Ended up pretty busy today, no posts out. Miiiight have been able to squeeze one in somewhere, but...eh. Hopefully I'll have time tomorrow though.
 
late Tuesday '20/9/29 report: Ack! Forgot to do this before I went to bed last night again. And I actually did manage to get one post out yesterday! So, at least a little happy about that.
 
Wednesday '20/9/30 report: Didn't get a post out today, due to sending an OOC message and needing to wait on a response...but I should have sent that OOC message -days- ago rather than waiting until now, so, completely my fault for no posts out today. Argh.
 
Friday '20/10/02 report: Argh. I really, really could have gotten a post out today. Didn't have -anything- going on today. Completely dropped the ball. VERY unhappy with myself. I'm falling behind again...
 
Saturday '20/10/03 report: Not enough time to get a post out today, but I should have gotten one out when I had the chance on previous days. Augh. :(
 
Sunday '20/10/04 report: Upset with myself at how long it took to do., but -finally- got -a- post out today. Still got more to catch up on tomorrow, though.
 
Monday '20/10/05 report: ...I had a -lot- I needed to get done today, and I threw nearly the -entire- day away. And no posts. Argh. Backsliding hard. I need a kick in the head badly.
 
Tuesday '20/10/06 report: Caught up with some stuff...still had plenty of time to get a post out...and didn't. Getting more and more frustrated with myself. Need to get back into the good groove.
 
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Wednesday '20/10/07 report: Legitimately busy for nearly the whole day, no time to make a post...which is why it was important that I should have gotten them out in the previous days when I had the chance. Gah. Not doing well.
 
Thursday '20/10/08 report: Legitimately too busy today to make any posts...again. Argh. It is -horrible- that I did not get posts out when I had the chance earlier. TOMORROW. TOMORROW FOR SURE.
 
Friday '20/10/09 report: Finally, finally got off my ass and got -two- posts out today. Feeling good about that, but still really unhappy at how badly I lapsed there earlier this week. I need -consistency- more than anything else...
 
late Saturday '20/10/10 report: SHIT it slipped me to make a post here again before I went to bed! AND i did NOT get a post out yesterday, when I probably could have! AAARRRGH.
 
Oh, first comment! Psychologically helpful to know for a fact that someone is indeed reading these.

I've got about....between 3 and 6 active RPs. It fluctuates a little because all of them are long-term partners, and sometimes partners go incommunicado for a while, but we always resume when they return. Also about half of them are through private messages, not on public threads. (I generally prefer my RPs to be in threads, but many partners insist on private messages and I'm okay with that. If I wasn't, I would have missed out on quite a few fantastic RPs I've had in the past, including the ones I've got going now. x3 )

Because I keep backsliding so much though, I don't quite keep on top of my RPs like I used to, many years ago. Earlier in this thread I mentioned I finally reached a point where I didn't HAVE any more RPs to reply to, and that was the first time that had happened in like half a year. Keeping a tally of incoming posts from other partners isn't as important to me as tracking -myself- and my own progress, because I -know- I can do better and I don't have any reason -not- to. I've always been patient with every partner though, because they often -do- have RL shit going on, and that always comes first. (I once waited an entire year to resume an RP with a really good partner! They just had to be away from BMR for a long time to deal with life.)
 
Sunday '20/10/11 report: Did manage to get a post out today. Happy about that at least. Gotta stay on top of things tomorrow, though.
 
Tuesday '20/10/13 report: getting to bed very late tonight. Also...I -probably- could have gotten a post out today, but didn't. Ugh. Not happy.
 
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