Ghosting: How long?

[Jericho Z. Barrons]

I'm going to present a couple different scenarios and you tell me, at what point, down to the hour, is a lack of response equal to them ghosting you? One hour? A couple hours? A day? Two days and six hours?

All things remaining equal, your message was read and yet you never see them post publicly on the forum again. If you have special exceptions or specific situations, that is fine but we're just trying to determine how long it takes for you to expect a reply. In plain terms: how long, by time measurements, does it take for you to call a dropped interaction with another member "ghosted"?

Please reply for each scenario, keeping in mind the constant variables:

Pose A: You read an RT that you liked and sent a polite message inquiring about a role-play idea. The person read your message but you cannot see the last time they were online and they never post publicly again.

Pose B: You liked the RT, you send a message and get a reply back. Things seem swell until suddenly the replies stop abruptly. The person read your last sent message but you cannot see the last time they were online and they never post publicly again.

Pose C: After discussing a role-play with someone, you start to post together. After a handful of posts from both of you, they suddenly stop. You send a message inquiring if they are alright. The person read your message but you cannot see the last time they were online and they never post publicly again.

 

[DreamingDaniel]

If someone disappears unanounced, in general I give them one week of time before I consider it ghosting. This would also be the case in your three options.

Only exception for me would be, if I have a long term partner and he/she disappears unanounced. I would consider ghosting after one month but would always listen to them if they return. Though it is rare, sometimes there is a good reason for an abstinence which I could accept.

 

[Xanaphia]

Situation A: 1 day
Situation B: 3 days
Situation C: if we've rped for less than 2 months, a week,
2-6 months, two weeks,
more than 6 months, a month.

The more invested I was in the rp, the more slack I am willing to give my partner in continuing it. At a certain point, though, I do lose interest, however I might be willing to start a new rp with a partner who ghosted. But after the second ghosting, I don't take on new rps with that partner. At that point, it's a pattern.

 

[lasciel]

Pose A: I'll give them about three days of patience before I move on. I'm not sure I can consider it "ghosting" when the person never actually replied to me in the first place, but at this point I assume that the probability of them getting back to me is vanishingly small. The important bit is that I try to only maintain N RPs at a time, and the "change" here is that I no longer consider one of those N slots (tentatively) occupied.

Pose B: A week before I open the slot back up.

Pose C: Two weeks before I open the slot back up.

Only exception for me would be, if I have a long term partner and he/she disappears unanounced.

Situation C: if we've rped for less than 2 months, a week, 2-6 months, two weeks, more than 6 months, a month.

Like those two said above, things are different if I've been writing with the person for a very long time. If you're a long-time partner and without prior history of doing such suddenly poof, my default assumption is that something bad happened rather than you deciding to drop me. I'll send a follow-up after a month, then leave things be but keep the slot reserved until a another week has passed. If the partner gets back to me with an explanation (not asking for personal details here, but, 'stuff happened, had to go/can't write/etc') and gives me any sense of their ETA I'll hold the slot open pretty much indefinitely (though it can be hard to gather steam up again if the plot is intricate and it's been a super long time).

 

[WaveVelour]

Oh, you can see if someone read your message? I thought tracking feature was removed. Anyway, for me it’s less about me being ghosted and more about the number of RPs I have at the moment and my availability.

a- Imo, you can’t be ghosted if you haven’t even started a conversation in the first place =) When I send a request, I usually tell them to return to me if they’re interested. But I’d say, if they don’t reply back in a couple of days, I assume they’re not interested, which is fine.

b- That doesn’t happen to me very often. They tend to not send the initial reply instead of stopping in the middle of a conversation. In this case, I’d think they forgot to send a reply or just got busy if they don’t show up let’s say in a week.

c- 2 to 3 weeks. I try to mention this in my rt. After more than two weeks of inactivity, I assume the RP to be dead. By then, I usually start to forget about the RP. This is also when I find another partner if I have room. If I receive an RP or OOC post later on from the same partner, I tend to not reply back, if I think they’ve ghosted.

If I may, I’d suggest you to not trouble yourself with when your partners are last seen. A new RP can always be more fun than the last =) And from the discussion phase, it’s not that difficult to foresee how consistent your partner will be. So, you can decide on how much effort you want to put in the RP.

 

[Pazzo]

When I first started, I used the standard week, two weeks, then a month schedule. After a reply was made, I'd wait a week, then send them a PM to check in. If another week passed with no PM response, Id send them another PM. If two weeks happened right after that, I'd send a final PM, telling them that the RP was considered inactive.

The reality is, people get busy. If they come back 6 months to a year later and ask me to continue, I'm usually game.

Lately though, I don't worry about it. I consider ghosting one of those inevitable things, just like death and taxes. Its going to happen eventually. That being said Iv'e adopted a ditch-freindly attitude. In this way, I just don't hurt when an RP i really want to continue gets shut down for whatever reason.

 

[Staine]

A: They never answered by the sound of it, so never. I don't consider that ghosting at all, if they weren't interested they weren't interested and while being told so would be nice, it's all good really.

B: 3 days. If they haven't messaged back again after 3 days I'll assume ghosted but be pleasantly surprised if and when they ever messaged again.

C: Maybe a week? It really depends on the person, if they were promising a reply per day then sooner, 3 days perhaps, but in most circumstances a week.

Hope those were what you're looking for, I'd love to know the reason for this, my own curiosity is piqued.

 

[Jericho Z. Barrons]

Hope those were what you're looking for, I'd love to know the reason for this, my own curiosity is piqued.

Like most mature, easy-going folks who have been doing this a long time, I am not particularly phased by ghosting when it happens to me. But I am fascinated by the topic and how intensely it seems to upset some people. Something that never seems to come up in the ghosting discussion is how people define ghosting and a big part of that is "How fast are you expecting someone to reply?" Because I have a sneaking suspicion, that people who get upset over ghosting actually have set their expectations too high, possibly without realizing it.

Like, from what I'm seeing, about a day or three is a reasonable amount of time to call it. That's not too bizarre, in my opinion. However, in the past, I have seen accounts barely a day old complain how they've been "ghosted" 5-10 times already. And I'm like, "How??? They're not the Flash; you need to wait a bit more before you can call it ghosting."

So, the thread was just an attempt to get a baseline definition for ghosting based on an actual timeframe from message to "not expecting a reply any more." Even if it ended up being individualized or unclouded by other factors, such as seeing the person bump their RT.

 

[Staine]

Ah, well that makes sense, I completely agree it can be a fascinating topic too because some people will get very upset at it. Ghosting happens, it can happen for a number of reasons and on the wrong end of it, it does feel bad but you can never be sure what those reasons are. The person may have just gone through something bad, they may have had awful experiences in telling somebody they don't wish to continue an RP before and thus don't want to risk those negative reactions again or they could have simply had the RP slip their mind. That has happened to me before in the past, out of sight out of mind until it's been so long when you finally remember that it feels bad to go back to it. Sounds bad, it isn't a reflection on the roleplay itself either, it is sometimes simply I wasn't feeling a reply for that one when I read it, but then I didn't have the notification it was waiting anymore.

In general, impatience isn't something I am very fond of but I'm getting older now, when I was younger I might have considered myself ghosted much sooner than I would now, I honestly cannot remember so that may be a part of it but a larger part is what you're looking for. If you're here to RP because you're horny, you're going to be impatient, if you're here for a good story and to craft something that you have maybe been craving you will be more inclined to wait for your reply.

 

[DreamingDaniel]

I consider receiving a reply on the same day as super quickly. There are too many factors comin to play when it comes to the time it takes for a reply. Especially the different time zones we all are in.
But it is just like with most other things in general, if you talk about it with the other person, tell what you expect and you agree on a maximum amount of time for a reply, most misunderstandings can be avoided. Regarding the people, who start to complain when they don't receive a quick reply, most of them have been probably new to the forum and couldn't wait to get started. I can understand the desire, to reply and get replies a couple times of day but after you used this or similar sides for a while, you know and accept that there is always something that can stop someone from replying. Sometimes for the rest of the day, for three days and sadly, sometimes even forever.

In my opinion, being patient is a necessary tool to be able to experience a good roleplay.

 

[Laa]

Like most mature, easy-going folks who have been doing this a long time, I am not particularly phased by ghosting when it happens to me. But I am fascinated by the topic and how intensely it seems to upset some people. Something that never seems to come up in the ghosting discussion is how people define ghosting and a big part of that is "How fast are you expecting someone to reply?" Because I have a sneaking suspicion, that people who get upset over ghosting actually have set their expectations too high, possibly without realizing it.

Like, from what I'm seeing, about a day or three is a reasonable amount of time to call it. That's not too bizarre, in my opinion. However, in the past, I have seen accounts barely a day old complain how they've been "ghosted" 5-10 times already. And I'm like, "How??? They're not the Flash; you need to wait a bit more before you can call it ghosting."

So, the thread was just an attempt to get a baseline definition for ghosting based on an actual timeframe from message to "not expecting a reply any more." Even if it ended up being individualized or unclouded by other factors, such as seeing the person bump their RT.

Oh man, as a person (probably) with anxiety (definitely with autism), I know exactly what they're going through. Logically, I know that I probably shouldn't care, and that people obviously aren't gonna reply in 5-10 minutes flat, but emotionally? My god, it can go haywire at times. When I was young, I had no awareness nor control over this anxiety, which just made each and every ghost (and "ghost") feel all the more intense. Am I not good enough? Do I not deserve their time? Did I do something wrong? Bla bla bla? Anxiety is awful, is what I can tell you.

These days, I just kinda... Try not to think about it. I only ever have one or two RPs running at any one point in time anyway, because my tastes are niche. A lot of the time, I'm running 0 RPs! So I can't really reply as to whether or not I "Open up slots" or such or when exactly I consider something ghosting.

 

[east]

Personally I am willing to wait as long as they need. Ive had partners disappear for months at a time and then revive the rp. I've disappeared for months at a time as well and tried to revive the rp.

If people are willing to chat with me I tend to be willing to pick things up.

 

[Virginia Greene]

I don't really consider these situations to be ghosting, though I suppose that they are! If I think a user hasn't been on the site at all, I assume something has happened in their life and chances are if they were to ever message me again I would be enthusiastic to pick up the story again (I've re-invested in stories after a year) unless I've completely lost interest in the idea we were doing to the point it's unsalvageable.

 

[Revelations]

I don't really consider these situations to be ghosting, though I suppose that they are! If I think a user hasn't been on the site at all, I assume something has happened in their life and chances are if they were to ever message me again I would be enthusiastic to pick up the story again (I've re-invested in stories after a year) unless I've completely lost interest in the idea we were doing to the point it's unsalvageable.

This is kind of my take on it as well. If a user is no longer or hasn't logged into the site since we discussed an idea or started a roleplay, I don't particularly see that as ghosting. If it's been a week or two and they are active on the site elsewhere but not in our conversation or RP, I would feel more inclined to say that's ghosting.

 

[Jericho Z. Barrons]

I was mostly trying to establish a constant that equated to, "You don't know what happened to them and you don't know when you'll see them posting on the forums again; how long does it take you to consider yourself ghosted?" Like, leaving it open that they might publicly come back but that information is unknown and was not important in establishing the "how long?" part that would enable you to answer the equation/question. Kinda like "X"; they might, they might not. It could be any number, heh.

Besides, I have heard from plenty of folks who feel like they need a response, even if a person has an emergency or needs to leave the site for a while. It only takes a couple of minutes, as it were.

 

[Virginia Greene]

I was mostly trying to establish a constant that equated to, "You don't know what happened to them and you don't know when you'll see them posting on the forums again; how long does it take you to consider yourself ghosted?" Like, leaving it open that they might publicly come back but that information is unknown and was not important in establishing the "how long?" part that would enable you to answer the equation/question. Kinda like "X"; they might, they might not. It could be any number, heh.

Besides, I have heard from plenty of folks who feel like they need a response, even if a person has an emergency or needs to leave the site for a while. It only takes a couple of minutes, as it were.

If they were gone for a week and then went back to business as usual but never responded to me, I'd consider myself ghosted. If as far as I knew they hadn't been online for a week or a month or a year I would at no point consider myself ghosted. And if they reappeared after a year of no contact and didn't hit me up, I wouldn't consider that ghosting.

I guess for me personally, until the reappearance happens I don't consider myself ghosted? I wouldn't expect someone to log on to tell me that their life had fallen apart or they were too busy with work to write or whatever. I have several previous partners who just up and vanished and I don't consider myself ghosted in roleplay terms because they just... wholly aren't here anymore.

So my definition of ghosting might be wrong/different than other people's.

 

[Jericho Z. Barrons]

If they were gone for a week and then went back to business as usual but never responded to me, I'd consider myself ghosted. If as far as I knew they hadn't been online for a week or a month or a year I would at no point consider myself ghosted. And if they reappeared after a year of no contact and didn't hit me up, I wouldn't consider that ghosting.

I guess for me personally, until the reappearance happens I don't consider myself ghosted? I wouldn't expect someone to log on to tell me that their life had fallen apart or they were too busy with work to write or whatever. I have several previous partners who just up and vanished and I don't consider myself ghosted in roleplay terms because they just... wholly aren't here anymore.

So my definition of ghosting might be wrong/different than other people's.

I can appreciate that and my personal definition is actually very close to yours. And for a lot of people, defining ghosting will be very personal. Especially if they feel like being ghosted says something about them or their abilities, or if they are the type to assume things that don't happen the way they want them to are personal slights committed against them by other people.

I just hardly ever see a timeframe brought up any time complaints are made against this behavior and I thought it might be interesting, aside from assigning motive to someone else, to see what the general definition might be. Like...is ghosting really ghosting if you're just feeling impatient?

 

[Virginia Greene]

I can appreciate that and my personal definition is actually very close to yours. And for a lot of people, defining ghosting will be very personal. Especially if they feel like being ghosted says something about them or their abilities, or if they are the type to assume things that don't happen the way they want them to are personal slights committed against them by other people.

I just hardly ever see a timeframe brought up any time complaints are made against this behavior and I thought it might be interesting, aside from assigning motive to someone else, to see what the general definition might be. Like...is ghosting really ghosting if you're just feeling impatient?

When people are online, I'll give them a nudge after a week or two if we aren't talking in OOC, usually with an easy out that acknowledges a lack of response to my message as an answer. But I'm someone who gets very busy (I just completed my master's degree) and has a commitment to the site (ie staff member) that I feel I need to hold myself to even when I'm not feeling like I can make creative roleplay decisions so I'm the kind of person who I think someone could easily feel ghosted by and I have to send "sorry you haven't heard from me in a week and a half, I accidentally forgot how time works and also my soul broke" messages once or twice a year
I mean, a lot more over the last year but that should be an outlier.

If someone hasn't been online as far as I know, it's not like a nudge would even really mean anything - I don't know if they get email alerts or if they still have a computer/phone or what's happening. I think I used to be a little more impatient but as I developed a more hectic schedule I had to not be a hypocrite and at one point I had a partner who disappeared for like a year who told me when she reappeared that she'd stopped logging on because she'd been in immediate danger of homelessness and I was like "oh fuck, yeah expecting anything from you during that would have been an unreasonable ask" and I really can't consider someone who was going through something like that to be ghosting so now until someone logs back on I just don't make any kind of assumption.

 

[ValentineEveNightmare]

I've been pretty relaxed when it comes to my partners ghosting me mostly because I've ghosted a few times as well. The thing that bothers me is when a partner or partners have ghosted you more then once and then a week or two after they ghosted they send you a request and it's the exact same idea that they ghosted you for

 

[Rogue Scribe]

Pose A: You read an RT that you liked and sent a polite message inquiring about a role-play idea. The person read your message but you cannot see the last time they were online and they never post publicly again.

Pose B: You liked the RT, you send a message and get a reply back. Things seem swell until suddenly the replies stop abruptly. The person read your last sent message but you cannot see the last time they were online and they never post publicly again.

Pose C: After discussing a role-play with someone, you start to post together. After a handful of posts from both of you, they suddenly stop. You send a message inquiring if they are alright. The person read your message but you cannot see the last time they were online and they never post publicly again.

A. It's always a crapshoot when answering RTs. If it happens, it happens, but I put very little into it after my initial message unless it turns into B as there is really no connection on my part to them. I do note the name in case I see any other RTs from them, so I know to avoid them.

B. This for me is usually the scenario where the 'planning' posts go well with a good back and forth, but where everything stops after the starter I write is posted. I usually let them sit and if I haven't heard anything after 3 weeks to a month I ask if they are interested in doing the RP, and after wait maybe a week or so before I start to salvage what I wrote in my starter for other RPs. If they get back to me after that I usually tell them that ship has sailed and I've moved on.

C. If the RP was solid with regular responses, then they go dark then I usually will side-message them after a couple weeks or so. If that message goes unanswered, I usually archive the RP and move on. If they get back to me after some time, we may continue our story if we both feel so inclined.

 

[Tazreale]

A: Day. Trash Folder.
B: Three days. Trash Folder.
C. Time varies. A lot of people tend to hide their online status on here anyways. Yea, something could happen, but at the same time they could as much ghosted. I don't bother with watching/checking on people. I'll give em a week if we RP under a month. Several weeks if we RP a month. If we wrote longer than that, I'll give them the benefit of doubt something may of happened and not label convo as Trash Folder. The other scenarios Convo will be marked as trash and generally anyone in trash folder are people I am less inclined to resend a RP invite or RP at all with.

 

[Frostyflakes]

Depends on what my partner and I have discussed. If I know that they have a busy schedule or are dealing with other personal matters, I'm more lenient to give them anywhere upwards to 1.5 months - especially during times like these. I think I'll usually shoot out a bump around the two week mark, though.

 

[kateranis]

Personally, I'm pretty relaxed when it comes to posting and ghosting because I understand that people have work, school, families, mental health problems, etc. In general, I'll consider it ghosting after a week. In relation to the scenarios you provided though, I wouldn't consider them to be ghosting since they appear to not be online and haven't posted publicly. I would just assume that they're too busy with real life to reply to anyone.

 

[Friendly]

IDK, I treat every post like it's the last one. A person could respond six months later and if the post was sufficiently interesting I might respond in kind.

But, it's the same on the other side. I'm judging my partners every post. Is it interesting? I've Ghosted people in a face to face conversation, just walked away while they were talking. Nobody owes you anything. Sure it's frustrating at times, but that doesn't mean you get to hold people hostage.

 

[Starchaser]

I know this is an old thread but lately I've found the ghosting thing is becoming more and more of a problem. I am on Elliquiy and the ettiquette there is that you simply don't prod people to post, ever. I have gone in the past over a month there and then had a response. I myself can get busy as well. I need to reply today, for example to two solos on there - one of which my writing partner posted to a week ago.

On here I started a game with someone and they stopped posting after their first post. This I'm really gutted about because that post was just a brilliant piece of writing that really made me feel like I was there, you know? Its been over a month now and they haven't posted again. I think they have been online since, so its not like they left this site.

That's what I'm finding more than anything - The people who's writing style I like are the ones that seem to ghost me

In other places:
I never could get a game going on Iwaku roleplay.

I have started a single game on Black Dahalia but that was in response to a player request and specifically tailored to their tastes. Up until that point I was sat for almost two months with nobody replying to my own requests.

I joined a really odd site called asianroleplaying.com. On there I have one player helping me use the site OOC (Its got a really odd approach to roleplaying) but so far nobody actually writing with me IC.

I also keep bumping my wanted ad on here but no takers.

The only site I really have had any significant luck with is roleplay online but even on there it can be hit and miss and its a lot harder to get a good rapport going nowadays than it was back in, say pre-2012.

What annoys me though is when I know players are posting elsewhere and interacting with others but ghosting me. I'm sure others have that experience too. To my mind that's just plain rude.