Partners Vanishing Without a Word: You Are Not Alone

Have you ever sent a message to someone to express interest in their request thread and then never got a response back?


Have you ever been in the planning stages of an rp/several posts into a story and suddenly, your partner drops off the face of the planet without a word?


Have you ever sent a message to an rp partner only to have them read it and ignore it, bumping their request thread and posting elsewhere like nothing happened?


Do not worry! You are not alone!

This topic comes up frequently in all role-playing communities and seems to be pretty consistent across the board.

Here are just a few started by other members of BMR ever since its founding in 2009:

2016 Common Courtesy
2016 Some food for thought...
2016 Hard to find long term rp partners
2015 Roleplays dying without notice?
2015 Naming and Shaming
2014 Why? Why Do They Do It?
2013 What am I doing wrong?
2010 Depressing

Everybody knows the pain of being in love with or excited for a story only to have the rug torn out from under them as their partner disappears or just stops responding to them. We've all had it happen at least once if we've been rping for any length of time.

It is unfair and it is generally considered rude. You've put time and effort into a story and it hurts to have it dropped without explanation. You're a human being and it hurts to be ignored, especially when you've never spoken to this person before and you just want to see if they're interested in your idea. You start to feel gaslighted into questioning everything about yourself and your approach because you literally have no answer to the question: What went wrong? Nobody disagrees with the fact that when engaged in a creative project with someone, it is preferable to get a message to let you know what is going on or if any long absences are going to occur.

So, other than complaining about it, and getting confirmation from others that yes, not only does this happen but with general frequency to literally everybody else who role-plays, what can be done?


⚘ ⚘ Nothing. ⚘ ⚘


It'd be nice if there was a net-wide memo that went out informing people of proper role-play etiquette but generally, this is not something that "nobody knows" or that they're doing out of ignorance. Like the D.A.R.E. ads of old, those who are inclined to a certain behavior are not generally going to be persuaded against that by throwing facts at them or attempting to shame them into "proper" behavior. People know how to treat others. What is happening in the minds of the perpetrators(the abandoners and non-informers) is a choice, weighing the pros and cons of "your/their partner's feelings" vs. "getting away with it." If someone has decided that they don't want to role-play with you, the fact that then, you're going to be mad/upset and feel hurt by them neglecting to communicate with you, is not going to make them feel obligated. They've already discounted your feelings from the sphere of "Things I care about" when they decided they no longer wanted to rp with you.

Well, okay, so, why not hold them accountable? How about we clean up the community? Start giving incentives to inform people of a lack of desire to rp or putting up deterrents to discourage ignoring people? How about things like reporting offenders, handing out warnings, and banning people who don't inform their partners?

Well, here it gets complicated because there are many reasons why people fail to inform their partners of absences and lack of interest.

1. It's a game. None of us that sign up to a site like this are doing this professionally. We might be writing professionally elsewhere, but anything we engage in here is for pure fun and entertainment. Some people like sites like Elliquiy where the standards are higher and the rules are stricter. Some people like a bit more freedom and looser standards since it widens the pool of partners to choose from. There's a variety here that ensures there's somebody(in lots of cases a lot of somebodies) for everybody.

Limiting this freedom with more rules, on a site like this where we don't have a stringent enrollment process that helps people feel invested in the forum and community, will likely have the adverse effect of chasing people away. People don't come here to be held accountable, especially when the anonymous nature of the forum allows so much freedom in regards to literally every other interaction. As you'll see, further below in this thread, there are reasons why people don't inform their partners of absences and it comes down to: there is no benefit to doing so.

2. It's not always on purpose. That would be pretty alienating if a family member went into the hospital or you got into an accident and when you came back to the forum, sometime in the next few months or years, your account had accrued a number of warnings or had been banned because people reported you for "not informing them of your whereabouts." I don't think I'd want to be on a forum where a generally passive-aggressive activity such as merely ignoring someone, at my leisure, would get me punished for it. We don't want to stack up the responsibilities and obligations on the side of preventing people from considering this escapism but rather like another job.

3. Why RP partners are so UNRELIABLE This is one of my favorite threads on this topic because it perfectly outlines the human responses and feelings a lot of those on the "non-responsive" side feel. Let me copy and paste the OP right here:

Here's why I may be unreliable (things I'm sure many of you can relate to):

1) Life sucks. It just sucks sometimes. Life throws a fit, kicks your ass, and suddenly you've not only got a dozen roleplays to reply to, but you've a million other headaches to worry about. I got 99 problems and an RP aint one (I'm funny, eh?).

2) BlueMoon isn't my only pastime. I have other activites, other thngs to do. I have ran into a period of less free time.

3) I have work, school, social and family events, whatever.

So far, these are all pretty similar excuses, right!?
Well how about this one:

4) I'm unreliable because I can't just pull literature out of my ass. Really, I can't. Some people can bang out replies in minutes. Me? Not so much. I take my time with my writing; put all of my effort in it. I strive to have every post be an individual masterpiece - a work of art. Narcissistic? Maybe.

5) I have to be inspired to write. I have to FEEL it. Maybe I just don't feel the RP in any given moment. Maybe I just need time, and patience.

6) MAYBE I'M JUST FUCKING LAZY, K? Maybe I just don't feel like answering right away. Maybe I want to fuck around on BM (pun totally intended) and not reply right now.

7) I'm an independent writing snob. I do whatever the fuck I want when I want to.

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Despite being a list that Temptationist wrote jokingly about herself, I think these are things that are pretty universal in the role-playing community. Beyond all of the things that people cannot help happening, like tragedies, rl responsibilities, illnesses, etc. number 4 in this list strikes me as particularly worthy of note. This is what we're doing. On the one side of the coin, there are people who are very loose and casual about this hobby, letting slide grammatical errors and things like plot holes or unrealistic physics, etc. just to keep things light and fun and fill an afternoon with something other than staring blankly at a tv screen until we have to punch into work again. On the other side, there are people who like the challenge of writing but don't want all of the pressure that comes with writing on your own and writing for profit. We like the well-crafted tale, the artistic quality of verse painting a mental picture, and we kick ourselves for every typo and misplaced comma that we find in our posts AFTER we freaking posted it(and we read that shit 5 times before hitting submit!). But we cannot forget: none of this is easy.

We are using our brains to problem solve in order to construct plot and responses to whatever our partners have created or done. We are using energy to creatively paint pictures with words, searching for the right sensory output to articulate the emotions of a scene, sometimes looking up in dictionaries and thesaurus for the exact word that captures it perfectly. We are making an effort to release and let go of who we are in order to pretend to be somebody else, sometimes someone very different than ourselves. And we're doing it on a sometimes unspoken time limit. It's not just us writing it in our private little word pad; someone is waiting for this shit to come out and there is the expectation for a consistent standard to be met. You're not just painting a beautiful scene and totally losing yourself in the character of Tony Stark or Sherlock or whoever for your own amusement. You are tasked with keeping someone else entertained.

And the best part: none of it means anything. I've published an rp, my partner and I edited the shit out of our posts and made it a book. Not many people come here looking for a coauthor to eventually publish with. So... what's it for then? All of this energy, all of this fun, all of this creative genius is the equivalent of racking up points in a video game. Even if each and every post in it is written like a couple of professionals, unless you do something else with it, with the contracted agreement of everyone involved, then once it's all over and you write "The End" it ends up on page 42 of the Taboo Role-plays section of the forum by the end of the year. Some people read other peoples rps but it is not the norm because the enjoyment in the game itself comes from the validation between the partners. They don't generally write with an audience in mind nor do they write to "do" anything with it.

This makes the case against taking it too seriously unless you're both on the same page as far as what you want out of the story. And that's what we're talking about when we talk about being owed a reply to our messages.

In addition to the justifications that we all feel from time to time in regards to role-play and looking at it from a realistic perspective, there's the history a lot of us have with actually giving people what they say they want: Telling them "No."


I made a thread 4 years ago discussing the phenomenon of people needing a note before you walk away: The Obligation of Saying "No." It didn't pick up off the ground as it generally doesn't when you bring up the fact that a lot of people take this way too seriously. Nobody wants to admit that when they feel personally slighted by a lack of response, that they have gotten to the point where nothing matters except continuing their little fantasy world, to the point where they themselves, the story they're participating in, and their character are all one thing. The rp dies and they feel a sense of panic.

We don't usually bring it up that the rp community is an unhealthy enabler a lot of times, particularly the adult themed ones. For instance, a thread started in BMA also 4 years ago, illustrates just this sort of discussion without many replies: Something I wonder... (about role-playing) Another thread started later that year went over something in a similar vein, talking about OOC relationships with partners and how often they venture into uncomfortable territory, especially with male role-players/those with male personas: Getting too attached?

These are just a couple of threads detailing the behind the scenes interactions that nobody wants to talk about when they're crying over being left at the rp altar, so to speak. Many of us have horror stories ranging from the mundane snooty response of "Well, I didn't want to rp with you anyway!" thanklessness of being kindly informed of a lack of interest, to the more toxic, where a partner gets abusive or creepy with the desperate nature to hang onto a partner or fix the unfixable. Whether you inform these people or not, they take it as a personal attack. You have rejected them. And as much as we'd all like to say "Oh, I'd never do that," it doesn't erase the people who do act that way. And there's enough of them out there that the rest of us have through trial and error decided it's easier to just walk away. If they do end up getting blustering and angry about it and confront you eventually, there is no doubt in my mind they'd be that way anyway when told they're basically not good enough to keep me interested.

There's another layer we have to discuss and this might be a sensitive issue but I feel it has to be brought up, if we're going to talk about it at all. Generally, there is a gender bias when it comes to this topic. These are all generalizations but we cannot deny that over all, men and women react and act differently to different situations. ...and they get treated differently. Women are more likely to be polite and respectful to their partners. Men are more likely to get a little abusive and insecure when told "I don't want to play with you." Women will generally be polite with other women. They will hesitate to inform men that they do not wish to continue, especially if they've had a prior negative experience. Men are more likely to treat women partners badly when rejected. I can count on two hands the number of friends over the years who have been stalked by male role-players and bullied by them, either in passive ways or outright harassment. Again, these are just generalities. For the most part, I think an overwhelming majority of role-players are well-adjusted and courteous, regardless of gender. But you can't generally tell by sight or history who is going to go off their rocker once you tell them "no." They often remain courteous and laid back right up until the moment you don't want to rp with them anymore. So, who wants to play roulette with that in mind?

If we were to ever have a discussion about some sort of system to deter people from abandoning role-plays, then we need to include in that discussion the ability to fire back when people are rude when told "no." You cannot put a system in place that punishes people for abandoning role-plays but then leave the social leniency intact wherein they ALSO get punished for being courteous to their partners. Both need to be handled at the same time with the same amount of proof required. If we're going to require people to inform their partners then we need to require that those people respond with the same amount of courtesy and respect when being informed.

Honestly, this topic is just to put it all down in one place. We've gotten 4 of these topics so far in 2016 and it's only July. I don't know if it's happening more frequently or if people are just finally deciding to speak up about it this year but here's all that information and previous discussions archived together for easy access.

Now, we can start talking about coping measures, because at the end of the day, until/unless we hold people accountable for their place in this community on both sides of the discussion, then all we can really do is deal with it when it happens to us. So, what do you do when any of the first three bolded scenarios happens to you?



⚘ ⚘ Nothing. ⚘ ⚘


That's right. You just let it go and move on. It is the easiest way to handle it. Send them one message and hope that they log back in and respond but even if they don't, it's not going to encourage them if you keep sending messages to them. They obviously have their reasons, any number of which have already been listed and gone over in this thread in addition to many more that we just don't know about.

You can consider this a bit of a freedom if you open your perspective to the fact that it is just a game. Even with all of that effort put it into it and how excited you are for a response, there is a weight lifted from your shoulders when you consider the fact that it could end at any time and there's nothing you could do to change that if it did. Think about the difference in approach to your writing as you let loose and have fun with it. I know that my writing comes alive when I get the chip off my shoulder and hop out of "impressive writer mode." And I never feel an ounce of regret when it dies suddenly because I lived every moment of that fantasy in the moment and it did what it was intended to do: I had fun. This makes it easier to enjoy the rp while it is alive and to move on in case it dies.

There are other ways to make your writing more meaningful, to make your words count, even with a partner. People make coauthor contracts all the time when they work on projects together. But for simple role-playing often you will be alone thinking of it in life and death terms. Hopefully, this archive will be helpful in some way to illuminating this topic further and letting you know: You are not alone!

I'll just pop in to admit I've been on both ends of this enough times to say that sometimes things come up and people forget about RPing for a long time. I've had people vanish for months and come back saying, essentially, that they only just remembered the site existed and we talked for a bit before agreeing to drop our stories. I've vanished for similar lengths of time because shit happens and I forget to check in here, except I'm a massive coward so I don't get in touch because I convince myself that my old partners don't want anything to do with me.

That's something else to consider; sometimes people disappear, and when they come back they're scared to talk to you because of how you might or might not react.

Erit of Eastcris said:

I'll just pop in to admit I've been on both ends of this enough times to say that sometimes things come up and people forget about RPing for a long time. I've had people vanish for months and come back saying, essentially, that they only just remembered the site existed and we talked for a bit before agreeing to drop our stories. I've vanished for similar lengths of time because shit happens and I forget to check in here, except I'm a massive coward so I don't get in touch because I convince myself that my old partners don't want anything to do with me.

That's something else to consider; sometimes people disappear, and when they come back they're scared to talk to you because of how you might or might not react.

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Agreed. Sometimes, I really try to stay with an rp and I like it but do not feel motivated to write for it. Time ticks by and I wait for the feeling and desire to come back because it's an idea I want to do. Why is it so hard? I ask myself, trying to sit and write a post and nothing coming out. And finally you hit a point where "I'll do something else for a while" becomes a way to find out that you're really never gonna write that post. But guess what, genius? You were so flipping excited in your last message to your partner, that it will look like a 180 to send that message backtracking it. ...And they'll be mad. All of which is really uncomfortable to deal with when you're so turned off of a story that you cannot just "do a different plot" with that same person. How do you sift through an explanation that comes down to: It's not you but I cannot rp specifically with you anymore because my brain.

Partly what I think this conversation ends up being about is projection and empathy. We are looking for escapism when we role-play and we resent needing someone else in order to do it. It's seriously inconvenient to write with someone else. There is a desperate need to not take the blame for why the story failed and the defensiveness that a lot of people feel when they say "I have a right to know when it is over because my feelings!" is because you suddenly disappearing sounds a lot like, "you're the reason I left." It is a silent confirmation of what they secretly believe.

I think the conversation could use an affirmation of three points:

1. the role-play means nothing; you're writing to fill space and time but when it is done, page 42 of the subforum is where it'll end up by the end of the year.
2. the role-play has a very high chance of dying and there's likely nothing you can do about it.
3. if it does die it is nobody's fault. No matter where you feel like you can point the blame, the nature of the game is to be a fleeting flight of fancy and nothing more.

Blame is a big reason people get upset about this, whether the silent departure of a partner feels like blame or whether we feel the weight of blame when we simply cannot perform on demand for hours and days in a constant stream like some sort of novelist machine. I think if we extended a bit of compassion for our fellow writers and understand the above three points as a core part of the role-play experience, then people would be more willing to accept "I cannot do this anymore; sorry" and people would be a lot more willing to give that answer.

That's my theory anyway. Particularly since the rping experience is so dependent upon instant validation, I think it holds water.

Quinn, the last time I cared about a roleplay being dropped was when we did a short game. I've dropped RPs so many times for so many different reasons, some with notification or without. I can't remember if you gave me a reason, but I do know that at that point I was questioning my abilities as a writer, something I don't ever often do. While it was grounds for a little bit of salt, I was more curious for improvement reasons rather than to exonerate myself from any kind of blame.

But when 98 percent of people get butthurt at "suggestions", it makes you not want to give constructive criticism.

I greatly improved on my sex scenes because of a long term partner, Broomhandle45, who was honest enough to tell me what I was doing wrong. It fucking stung/hurt for a few days...but I took his advice and our roleplays are way more enjoyable. If I didn't urge him to tell me what was wrong with my scenes, I doubt we'd still be roleplaying today. Our first roleplay we ever did together is going on 2 years now in a few months.

I think if we bothered to learn who the writer is behind the character, things would be much easier to explain when your brain doesn't want to work for the RP. I'd rather not burn bridges with partners who entertain me, because quite honestly, there isn't many writers who do.

Princess Pittooey said:

While it was grounds for a little bit of salt, I was more curious for improvement reasons rather than to exonerate myself from any kind of blame.

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That is a type of blame asking if you personally could have done something to prevent your partner from leaving. To ask if your writing was the problem(needing improvement) is trying to take blame for the story ending.

To answer your inquiry, finally after all these years, it had nothing to do with your writing ability and in fact I thought you were really good. If you'll remember, we did the "Into the Night Land" plot line together from my req thread. heartlesskitten had already approached me for this idea but at that early stage, I was opening a lot of windows at the same time because I wanted to write and I didn't know who was going to stick around to do so. So, when you and I talked, I changed the plot in dramatic ways so we didn't end up bumping into heartless and I in the parallel universe; same premise: guy finds a woman during the monster driven apocalypse and engages in sexual relationship with her. The key point of it and what I eventually realized through playing with the both of you, what I actually wanted at that time was a female character that mine could victimize. The character you wrote was on a very strong pathway and the character that I wrote for you was in no shape to dominate yours in any way ever.

So, as I apologize for not telling you "Hey sorry, I like the direction this other girl took this story a lot better than you" I couldn't find an economical way to do so. And even though it sounds like blame it's not. I gave you a choice on who to be, very liberal because I wasn't sure what I was really looking for without playing through the options. So, the entire thing ending was my fault including not being able to tell you without sounding like a duplicitous asshole.

But you do bring up a good point: is this about helping other people improve? Because those are not my goals when I role-play with someone. Should it be my responsibility, in discovering that a partner does in fact write poorly to make sure they walk away with a lesson about it before I toss them back into the water? I think that is really great that Broom has the patience and understanding to teach you and guide you but not a lot of people are looking for that. Even if we were better friends, I am not and have never been interested in slowing down and teaching someone how to be better. I'm here to write and if someone can't keep up, then I leave them behind. Like playing WoW with its quests and dungeon runs; if you're there for yourself and you see someone struggling, it's not your responsibility to stop and show them the ropes. It'd be nice, yes, but if this is truly about mutual needs being met, being someone's editor is not even close to being on my list.

And it's like you said: that shit is unfun to hear. Even if someone secretly believes that their writing is weak and that is the reason for a story ending...they do not want to hear that. I've tried that too and no matter how instructive or soft I go about it, there are no thank yous. I agree that feeling more comfortable with a partner can make things easier and more open. If we'd been better friends back then, I'm not sure if informing you of the plot I preferred better would have been easier but if your writing had been the problem, it would have been.

And do we even want to explore the fact that writing is subjective when it comes to "poor vs strong; good vs bad"? Someone out there is reading 50 Shades and thought it good enough to recommend(over 125 million copies sold), yet a great bulk of people have made fun of it, torn it apart, and pulled their own hair out trying to read it(I'm in the latter group). So, who am I to say, when writing with somebody that they do not write well and that nobody else is going to want to write with them unless they change? Their type of writing could be exactly what someone else is looking for and they might not even be looking to improve. So, me telling them in a message "Hey, I'm leaving because you don't write very good but before I go, here are some tips..." How egotistical of me to assume that they need my advice to enjoy role-playing or to "improve". If I'm going to leave anyway, then giving them advice that will make them a better rp partner for me, doesn't do them any favors, especially if they didn't ask, and that is definitely me blaming them for the story failing. I'm saying, we accept what we want from a story and partnership and stay away from blaming people for any endings. It is okay for some people to not like the way a person writes because someone out there(possibly 125 million someones) will love it. Accepting that the story may end is a good way to encourage people to say good bye and to be more accepting of that goodbye without feeling defensive or rejected. Because my personal preferences are not anybody else's fault or responsibility.

Well no, it's not your job to give unsolicited advice to someone who isn't asking how they can improve their writing or why you didn't enjoy the roleplay. In fact, it's not your job to even give them a reason period. However, if you really like the way someone is writing, but they are a little weak in certain areas and you wish they could be better, and then they ask you "How are my scenes?" That's a good opportunity to either A. Keep your mouth shut because you're terrified of losing them as a partner or B. Be honest with them.

I know that there are people who will ask how their scenes are, who expect nothing but good feedback. I personally am not one of those people because I don't need validation, but I know they exist. I like to know how I am doing to preserve longevity in a roleplay. If they ask for my criticism, and I'm enjoying the roleplay, I don't point out any areas for improvement. But if I'm doing a concept that I like, and the story is weak, I really do try to help my partner along before discontinuing the roleplay. I just have a lot of patience.

It's not that I think my way of writing is better, but it is my way of giving someone a chance to continue a story(Especially for those pesky fandom roleplays that are so hard to fulfill) before just telling them to fuck off. In my recent years of being on Bluemoon, unfortunately there are not enough writers for me to blow off and expect to actually find another willing participant that interests me on an engaging level.

Anyways, I don't remember enough about the roleplay or even my character, just that I enjoyed your writing. I figured it had something to do with the other plot you were doing since you were continuing it. Perhaps being honest with me would have helped, as I can play many different characters and I have no problem coming up with them on the spot, but it's in the past. It's fine. I wasn't mad at you, more disappointed that I couldn't keep a partner that wrote so well. So yes, I did blame myself.

Soory if I sounded whinney when I made my do you hate it when hread. At the time I kept getting the same person pming me every time about the same pairing. I gave them three chance, I know stupid me and same thing happened I am over it now I just ignore the person or say no.

valkeryiefirestorm said:

Soory if I sounded whinney when I made my do you hate it when hread. At the time I kept getting the same person pming me every time about the same pairing. I gave them three chance, I know stupid me and same thing happened I am over it now I just ignore the person or say no.

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You're absolutely fine! *hugs* I didn't make this as like, "Omg! Whiny bitches!" I made this as a kind of "alright, this comes up a lot! Instead of repeating ourselves every few months, let's do it all in one place: the BIG conversation!" I was hoping for more input and suggestions from people about community solutions, particularly with fostering this feeling of caring, rather than apathy.

It's not fun to be put in a situation where you feel like you're being used or like you're being taken for granted, so, I totally get why you made a thread about it. It's not stupid because that's kind of what we're left with as a community, this "all or nothing" scenario where we're rude for not giving someone a chance and yet they're rude for continually asking and being "invasive."

Alrght but yeah I agree with you putting it in one conversation thread. Thogh I doubt some will follow and break into there own. I honestly at the time I made it did not see anything of that nature.

valkeryiefirestorm said:

Alrght but yeah I agree with you putting it in one conversation thread. Thogh I doubt some will follow and break into there own. I honestly at the time I made it did not see anything of that nature.

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It's fine for there to be occasional threads but it seemed like because they were all new and separated all the time(like just open the links I posted, every single one is just saying the same thing over and over in different ways) I thought putting it all in one thread would sort of elevate it above a simple rant thread(which is basically what journals are for). I was hoping people would want to have a conversation about it.

Like I think that PP brought up a good point and I've thought about it a lot in regards to knowing our partners better being a factor in eliminating this ability to just discard people. How do we let people know that there are real people here? One of the theories I had was that the reason why in years past there weren't that many of these threads was because the community on the GD was actually a lot more active. I at first thought it was because of the presence of the PvP flaming board that used to be here and members like Trygon being in charge who kind of kept the "woe is me" stuff to a minimum. But darkangel became mod in 2010-2011 right during the decline of these type of threads, PvP being closed, and new rules advocating for tolerance and compassion on the boards being implemented(they're two different styles of management, neither better or worse than the other but clearly, Try's heavy handed aggression, nor the threat of stuff getting moved to the flaming board were a factor in the decline).

So, I developed the theory that shitposting was a lot more common back then. Silly threads talking about nothing and everything on the GD. Then again, we can always say that people and the culture of rp forums has simply just gotten more apathetic but in exploring ways to encourage a closeness with the members I thought I had a solid lead by examining the extensive history of Blue Moon itself.

I'd love to hear people's thoughts about that, particularly members who've been here for a long time and have seen the community go through its cycles.

There's something I would like to address because it came up in chat and it kind of deals with this situation. What about those rpers who set the standard for this behavior? What about those rpers that us habitual abandoners are trying to avoid? You know, the justifications you see me make in this and a couple of other threads is that sometimes when you tell someone "I don't want to rp with you anymore" they react badly. Let's talk about those people for a minute. On the whole, most rpers are not going to have personality disorders. I like to think of the scale like this:

80% - well adjusted people looking for fun just like you
19% - weirdos who exhibit a variety of unpleasant personality traits
1% - malicious trolls and fatal attraction types who will follow you to the ends of the earth in pursuit of wearing your skin at some point

Seriously, think of how long you've been role-playing and what percentage of those people actually turned out to be clingy, desperate, insecure, or rude people who were just uncomfortable to deal with. If you try to tell me that MORE than 20% of your encounters have been negative and awful then I'd like to hear your justifications and excuses for continuing to role-play. Why are you continuously exposing yourself to these types of people and situations? What? For the 40-50% who write really well and actually end up being livelong friends? There are less risky and less emotionally damaging hobbies to have. And I think 20% is a generous designation.

It just doesn't make sense for people to continuously expose themselves to the chance of crossing paths with these people if they were any more prevalent. Not to mention we all have different degrees of passive aggressiveness, insecurities, and lapses in judgement. So, that partner who was particularly clingy to you at this one time, might have reasons and motivations that go beyond a chronic condition for clinging to their partners. Which means, they had one slip(mom just died and they really need the fantasy right now because they're trying to deal), lost you as a partner, and either learned from it or woke up from the emotional turmoil to their regular self. That means they may be a part of your 20% experience but they won't become someone else's. So, even if we go with the numbers that each one of us experiences 20% of our partners being weirdos and emotionally stunted freaks(20% of my partners have been insecure nitwits; 20% of PP's partners have been insecure nitwits; 20% of Broom's partners have been insecure nitwits, etc.) they are not the same people and they are not a static total of the rpers out there. There isn't like a constant pool of rpers that we're drawing from, especially as it shifts and grows over the years, each individual changing as well. People come in and out of this hobby so in that light, 20% is certainly a generous notation to put on it, when it is statistically low for you to encounter these types of people.

So. How/why is this a justification to abandon the rp without word? I know what the OP says because I wrote it. I wrote it from my perspective and from my own justifications in the past. Changing gears now as I reassess the arguments and realize...that doesn't really make sense. To just hit that button right away because one guy was really passive aggressive and sent you a lot of messages one time. So, that becomes a reason to treat the other 80% like trash? And it is rude, we've established that even though we owe nobody anything online, it's a shitty thing to do to another person. And like I said before, you can't know these people on sight... I can count on my hand the people who I just never messaged back because they were immediately unstable and clearly so. The rest, it wasn't until I said "no thanks" that they got all weepy and whiny and irrational. So, you can't know if who you're not too keen on rping with anymore is going to flip their lid or if they'll placidly go off into the night, leaving you in peace after a simple goodbye.

Are there worse things? Sure. But saying that someone else should suck it up because you can't be bothered to give them the minimum of dignity which is a simple response, is a cruel reflection on what has been done to you. Confrontations are not easy and we all should be aware of the risks of being told "no" at any time during the process. We're not helping ourselves by training others to accept and expect "they either love it and stay or they disappear" because then you get a situation where if you're still willing to talk to them, it is the equivalent of you staying, giving them an opening, a chance to correct what they did wrong. If more people said "no" then that would be added as a viable third option.

I think being able to say no to rpers, whether they have the slim chance of being incredibly toxic people or we're just inflating the one or two bad experiences we've had, we owe it to ourselves to own our ability to make demands of this hobby. We already discussed how inconvenient it is to rp with other people and that needing someone else that you have no control over for a story you're invested in tends to breed resentment, so, we need to be able to know that we have permission to make demands somewhere. Say "no" because you deserve it. Who cares if they get all creepy and feelings on you?

And that brings up another point that came up in chat: reporting harassment. You are allowed to report people for breaking the rules. You do not deserve to be made to feel uncomfortable or unsafe here and in this regard, the staff and the rules of the site will always be on your side. The staff isn't going to enable some sort of weird rape culture where if you cannot prove that you don't want any more contact with someone that the mods are going to be like, "Well, you did say in earlier messages how you want to be besties and everything, so, now you have to just continue to deal with this situation on your own." The mods are really chill and really protective of the members here. And just like anyone, they don't want to deal with a potentially escalating, messy confrontation on the forums. If they can catch it before that point, they will. At the very least, someone will get a talking to and if it escalates from there, it's like all cameras are on that person now and they just stepped in it. Feel validated in hitting that little exclamation point on their stalker message, in your RT.

But you can't just go from 0 to 100. You can't report somebody that doesn't know you don't want any more contact. I mean you can, but that's kind of shitty too when you have the power to diffuse escalation before it starts. Plus, if we set up a culture where 1. people will say "no" if they don't want to rp with you and 2. if you continue to pester them or act like a obnoxious asshat you will get a spanking from someone with a red name, doesn't that add a deterrent to the type of 20% behaviors we're so desperate to avoid? The more I look at it and analyze it the more I see the passive aggressive avoidance of responsibility as a way to give our power away. In the end, isn't that what a confrontation is? Making your voice heard in a situation that affects you.

Just some thoughts, would love to hear what people think about battling this culture of apathy from the seats of people who feel justified in keeping it alive.