Just a Shady Journal

"Shoot the arrow!", said the bowman.
"Not, do I know how.",
Came from the lips of the boatman.
"Yet, why did we come?",
asks, ever-present, the huntsman.
Silence, the air only whispers,
"Never to be, only to see.", said the human.​

And just like that, it's faded away.
Like the Memories, of forgotten day.

I'm a really depressed person. Shy, and mind you, of the Tsun nature, it's rather hard to fit in. The few that I do enjoy the company of, I can't stop myself from pushing them away.

I suppose this is going to hold some depressive rants, but that's what journals are for, I suppose.

My muse was starting to make a come-back, but that seems quickly defeated... I don't know, we'll see...

That's all for now, I think. Best not to log all that makes my heart ache, in one day.

Apologies to any partners that my replies are lacking, or non-existant, for...​

Because it feels right,
"Stay Frosty, Loves."

​

Oh my, somebody reads this?!

Well, that's a surprise.

Heya, though, Frostch. Thanks for stating the obvious.


It's just one hell of a long rode.

And, of course, that was meant as a reference to you~




In other non-special-snowflake-related news( ), I've discovered(well, just basically realized, I've known it for a while) another reason for my absurd lack of muse.

It seems that I'm kind-of head-over-heels for someone. Granted, the person does know it, but they have a significant other, that's in a strange situation, that the person would be probably better-off without... buuuuut, their heart is set on that significant other.

Anyways, it's a big mess, and it tends to just wrack across my brain; especially because me and this person are really good friends, we hang out alot. Don't get me wrong, I understand the greater moral values, and can accept that fact that being friends is good-enough; because I do truly wish them the best, and what they want, at that.

But I find my heart fluttering more and more often at their closeness, I find my eyes trailing, if only to admire beauty. Even more so on the note of my infatuation; my eyes only do track on that beauty. For whatever reason--and, mind you, I can usually do it with an almost absurd ease--I can't even fantasize about this person. It seems like if I would, or could, that it would put her thought to shame, more than anything; and that alone is enough to subconsciously sway it. It's rather funny, that I can't even do so, considering I do come to a site like this, to rant my... ahem, creative eroticies.

Ack, but it's just such a thorn in my side... yet, I keep quiet. My muse sapped by this conundrum, only because what energy is normally stored for it, is seeped away by the fluttering of my heartstrings at something that will be presumably-forever out of my reach.

If only, if only, I want to say; but, this person loves their other, and I respect that enough, I suppose.



That's it for today's rant.

Thanks, ya'll-that-do-read, for tuning in-to another exciting episode of,
"The fuck is my life?"
​

Alrighty. Been a long time since I was back here! ^^'

Hello again, everyone. I'm back, more or less. My muse is returning, and I find myself fresh, and ready to get back into writing.


Since I'm not in a mopey mood today, I'll just explain my current energy situation. Basically, I work a job at Subway, a sandwhich chain, which is beyond difficult for someone with social anxiety like me. I push through it, despite the stress it gives me, though, because I really need " 'dem monies", for my education. Gods, tuition in the US. Like, sure, let's build a wall, make more guns, and ban immigrants! Everything, but more affordable education! Clearly, our own stupidity is the fault of others! Let's have our own citizens go deeply into debt, just to get a life!

Anywho, it's been draining me thoroughly, but I'm managing. With any luck, I'll be getting a second job, at a cafe. Not only have I always wanted to be a barista, but I'd get to work with a close friend of mine(and also happens to be the person of my dreams that I was moping over in the last posts x3).

Speaking of whom, we're way better. We're wonderful friends, and as I've recently discovered, the person does like me. Apparently, despite their previous inclinations, something has blossomed, as we've grown to know one another. However, they still want to hold the promise of trying again, with a person they (at least) used to love, in a few months time. So incredibly ironic.

It's strange. It hurts, akin to nothing else, to know that they share at least some of the same feelings, but cannot act upon them. And I'm moving away in two months time... Yet, simultaneously, it is the best feeling I've ever felt...


...Anywho, only time will tell.





Thanks for tuning in, to another episode, of,
"The fuck is my life?"​

Alrighty. Things are looking up, folks!

Well, I really can't say that yet, but I love my new job! Working at the cafe is a blast, the employees are all very nice and supportive; and the environment itself is just wonderful. I'm going to absolutely adore working there. It's going to be a stupidly great contrast to the hell-on-earth that working at Subway is... gods, I hate it unlike anything else.

But, I get to work nights, at least. Since I know the supervisor-manager, she's going to write my schedule around the cafe's....


But, of course, all these warm fuzzies from the cafe will translate into more muse, it seems. Here's to hoping I get back on track!


And, on that note, sorry again to all my partners...I'll get to those starters soon, I promise...



That's the big thing of the night, I suppose. Had a bit of an anxiety-apathy attack, though, from the former to the latter. Nothing too major, just made me re-realize how fragile my emotions are...


Tomorrow's going to suck, and be awesome, simultaneously. I have to work four hours at Subway, but I take up some Kickboxing classes with my love-interest, so that'll be awesome.


Um... that's all I got, I guess. Vent kind of over.




Thanks for tuning in to, another episode of,
"The Fuck is My Life?"​

Alrighty, we're back again.

Gods, I don't even know where things are going anymore.

The person in question is utterlessly confused, but things have kind of progressed. We're being affectionate now, if that's anything, but they don't exactly know if things are good enough to take it a step past that.

Of course I'm over here just being incredibly passive. If I act on the emotions I feel, it'll only stress them out in the situation all the more. I feel as if I have to constantly restrain myself, which is emotionally exhausting. To hold yourself back from easing the pain of which someone gives themself--and in the process of acting, if you so choose, it only confuses them farther-- is an emotionally draining experience.

I just find myself more tired than ever. I'm not sleeping well, I'm exhausted at all times, and depression is threatening to take hold of my life once again.

It's so nice to be around them, to hold them and smile with them. Their laugh can brighten my day, and make everything wonderful again. But simultaneously, their presence reminds me of futility, and the pain of having to leave those that you love.


Anyways, I'm (finally?) emotionally and mentally unstable enough to throw my pain, anger, and misery away at fueling imagination. That's good right?

Bleh.


Thanks for tuning in again, those-that-do-read,
For another exciting, jaw-dropping, pulse-pounding, episode of:
"The Fuck is my Life?"​

Huh. Been a while since I was back here.

In general, on this site, and in this journal. Multi-pronged reverse deja-vu?


Anywho, things are as trash as usual! ^^'

But, if it's any benefit, I've been creating a bit of a more positive outlook for my life. Even through all the shenanigans of trouble that it tends to throw at me, I'm trying not to just lose all vigor.

My job has settled finally into the normal hum-drum drone of a thing that passes with a zombie's attention. Of course that makes it agonizing in retrospect, but it's bare-able. However, I am slightly excited when it comes to March, as I have a job lined up at a local coffee shop and its affiliated restaurant. I know that it'll give me all the hours I need, a decent environment, and plenty of tips. And heck, I love being a barista.


On the more downside of things, I may need to find a new place to live for a few months. *Sigh* That'll be a load of fun.

I just wanted to apologize to all my partners and people I started things with before going on hiatus. I'm pretty terrible at staying stable here, I've noticed. So, I'm sorry to all of ya'll awesome people.





That's all I got for now,
Thanks for tuning in to another episode of,
"The fuck,
Is my life? "​