Dominant Women

Why is it so hard to find dominant women roleplayers?

Do you mean dominant in the BDSM, mistress/slave kind of way? Or did you mean you sexually/romantically aggressive women who are just not roll-over subs within the roleplay? Women who take initiative and pursue the man just as much as he pursues her?

From what I've seen over my time here on BMR...

1) There are more men who request subs over dominant women.

2) There are more men willing to play dominant men to submissive women.

3) There are more women who request dominant men over submissive men.

4) There are more women willing to play submissive women to dominant men.

5) Those of us who do write dominant women are either never requested to play dominant women, or the partner wants to change her dominant personality into a submissive one.

Ariamella said:

Do you mean dominant in the BDSM, mistress/slave kind of way? Or did you mean you sexually/romantically aggressive women who are just not roll-over subs within the roleplay? Women who take initiative and pursue the man just as much as he pursues her?

From what I've seen over my time here on BMR...

1) There are more men who request subs over dominant women.

2) There are more men willing to play dominant men to submissive women.

3) There are more women who request dominant men over submissive men.

4) There are more women willing to play submissive women to dominant men.

5) Those of us who do write dominant women are either never requested to play dominant women, or the partner wants to change her dominant personality into a submissive one.

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Yes like Mistress /slave kind of roleplay .

I play dom and sub women. But I won't play typical master slave. It's understimulating.

That's a good question. Maybe women want to feel "taken care of"? lol.
I don't know.
I happen to have a very strong personality, which can attract more submissive or quieter men - but I am only attracted to equal or stronger men (both IRL and in RPs).

hanataro said:

Yes like Mistress /slave kind of roleplay .

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When your kink is uncommon you're going to struggle to find partners to RP it. A 'proper' dom/sub relationship with a female dom is uncommon in the real world so unsurprisingly it's uncommon on BMR.

I find it a tad difficult to get an rp with a dominant woman, even when I'm willing to play said dominant woman. I love a woman who isn't afraid to get what she wants. Just like how many women find it exhilarating to have a man who finds them so enticing he just HAS to have them, I feel the same about a woman who just HAS to have a particular male. Or isn't afraid to take charge in the sack.

Though as to WHY it's so difficult, I can't be certain.

I play assertive females with enough brain capacity & independence to make their own decisions and be motivated by their own reasons/emotions that aren't dictated by a male protagonist's story arc. However, I don't do BDSM stories, and if I did make an exception, it certainly won't be with me writing the dominant side. I feel most women enjoy the feeling of being desired, cherished, and sought after, and so a dynamic where they are the ones doing the hunting for dicks isn't appealing to most women. In fact, most female characters, I assume, aren't comfortable actively showing sexual attraction/sexually seeking partners outside of a pre-existing relationship between the two characters. Ie, for a typical female writer, if she is writing your character's girlfriend/wife, she could be the one seeking sex, but outside of that preset relationship, I doubt many female characters would want to be the initiator.

I personally don't mind my characters being the ones doing the seduction, if it helps the story and fits the characters. Though, seeing that you're looking for BDSM stories, I'm afraid you're looking for a minority smaller than the one I identify with, haha.

All so true ^^
It's very different if there's a relationship already.
My "average" character could show some interest outside of a relationship, flirt and all, but she won't run after him or lead the chase. Unless she's an escort, or there is some reason she has to seduce that guy.

Forbidden Fruit said:

I play assertive females with enough brain capacity & independence to make their own decisions and be motivated by their own reasons/emotions that aren't dictated by a male protagonist's story arc.

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That's a perfect sentence, Fruit, and exactly what I search for, though find extremely difficult to locate. In my mind, those qualities should be separated from Dom/Sub labels, (or relegated to distant cousins at best), as I believe they're purely intellectual capacities that should be capable of being displayed/possessed equally by both males and females, regardless of if one is sexually dominant or sexually submissive.

Intelligence, independence of mind and action, knowing what you want, having autonomous goals, and assuming responsibility for the achievement of those goals, and satisfaction of your own desires, are, to me, the defining traits of personality and individuality, and what separates one person or character from the next. They aren't virtues, along with confidence and the ability to take initiative, granted to only a singular gender at birth.

However, requesting to write opposite a female character who displays those traits often does get confused with me asking for 'dominance,' when, in fact, far from making them dominant, it's only that type of women my characters would find intellectually stimulating enough to want to try to dominate themselves.

As for Dominant women, or Dommes, as in what the OP is looking for, that's not what I am interested in, but funnily enough, I do receive more than the odd approach in that regard, so I'd suggest, just keep searching. They might be relatively rare, but they do exist.

EDIT: Nice comments from the Scotsman below me, xD

^ No Surprise that Quix is turning up in this thread.

But in all seriousness this is one of the few things me and the Kiwi ha agree on. When it comes to BDSM I can understand the application of the terms Dom and Sub, but it has become sort of a blanket phrase for people explaining what sort of character they like to play, which isn't the case. I have ten years of acting experience and there is one thing my mentor says about acting when referring to pantomimes. 'The good guys stay good and the bad guys stay bad - that is what pantomime is.' This is something that I think it very applicable here. While obviously in a BDSM scenario Dom and Sub plays a large part, if you're doing a roleplay for the story around it rather than just for the sex scenes the Dom and Sub shouldn't matter. A man with a domineering personality might become weak in the bedroom, people are never straight forward.

Here is what I list in my thread;

"Powerful Women
I like to roleplay against female characters who are powerful. This does not mean they are a 'Dom' in the bed room, this means that they are powerful. They hold a position of authority; a Queen, a CEO or a Teacher are all very generic examples. Or they just understand that they have power over men to a certain extent and know how to use that to their advantage."

Sub and Dom should not dictate your characters personality. A woman who commands the court when she stands from her throne and everyone in the room bows to her may still melt into a pool of pleasure under a good bout in the bedroom. < That, is a hot female character in my eyes.

It's great that you guys are answering this seriously and making a discussion out of the subject. Clearly it was venting from OP, he's looking for something that is requested all the time, only the scenario is reversed. I know a lot of us who bother to post outside request threads like to write in these mysterious, advanced, profound ways, but in reality this site is mainly used for people to cyber fuck and OP is frustrated that he can't get the particular brand of cyber fuck he wants.

The short answer is, OP, you're looking for an extremely small population, and part of that population are women who write outside of strict black and white Master x Slave.

Apologies if I sound like a little shit, I'm running off a few hours of sleep and I haven't socialized with people in like a month.

So yeah.

Hey can I join?

Socialization. Society tells women they're are sexual objects, and tells men they are sexual agents. Tells us that Sex is something that men do, and something that is done to women. Male Dom /Female Sub dynamics are merely a microcosm of this socialization.

I do wonder nature vs nurture

hanataro said:

Yes like Mistress /slave kind of roleplay .

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Well this is simple. The reason it's hard for you to find those roleplays is because there aren't a lot of male roleplayers who want this from female roleplayers. I would the vast majority of men and women who participate in Master/slave type RPs typically prefer the male to be the Dominant and the female to be the submissive.

There isn't a lot of exposure for a reverse type of relationship, not from within this RP site or any other major RP site, or even from books. I can go on GoodReads and type in "BDSM," and the books that pop up will be about some innocent, flowery, virginal woman who gets dragged into the BDSM-Master/slave hell by some dashing, emotionally damaged, lone-wolf type of man who just can't help but fall in love with said flowery virginal woman. You see nearly the same setup everywhere.

Also, another thing to take note of is the perception of dominant women, or 'dommes.' For some reason, the typical thought that comes to mind is a mean-spirited woman who enjoys 'torturing' her male slave/submissive, something that many women don't perceive as sexy or stimulating. A Domme is usually a MILF-y, older woman as well, and from what I've noticed, most women on BMR are less willing to play an older woman to a younger man.

I know that, for me, this 'Domme' stereotype is completely unappealing. A woman doesn't have to be this mean, torturous, older, Amazonian type woman to be considered strong, independent, intelligent, authoritative, seductive, and dominant. Which is why, for those of us who do write dominant women, we find writing as Dommes in the mistress/slave dynamic to be totally boring. I would rather not box my character in such a specific mental and physical role.

Ariamella said:

Which is why, for those of us who do write dominant women, we find writing as Dommes in the mistress/slave dynamic to be totally boring. I would rather not box my character in such a specific mental and physical role.

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Ah, I love you Ari, (in a completely platonic way, of course!), and the way you express yourself. I pretty much agree with all you said, with one slight exception, in that I'd completely separate strong, independent, intelligent, authoritative and seductive, from dominant.

The latter, to me, has a specific connotation that doesn't necessarily follow on from, or directly relate to the others. However, that may just be my sometimes semantic brain talking, and the fact that whilst I look for those qualities in a woman, both in real life and fiction, that doesn't mean I want her to be 'dominant', 'dominant over me' or 'more dominant than me'.

In regards to roleplay, it's the quoted line that got me, as that's how I feel about constantly being asked to write Doms against Subs. It shoe-horns both characters into a little, labelled box even before the first word has hit the page, whereas people, and relationship dynamics, are a lot more complex than that.

xanaphia said:

Socialization. Society tells women they're are sexual objects, and tells men they are sexual agents. Tells us that Sex is something that men do, and something that is done to women. Male Dom /Female Sub dynamics are merely a microcosm of this socialization.

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I don't disagree with that at all, Xana, and it goes a long way towards explaining why I like what I do. It doesn't as much relate to the specifics of any Dom/sub dynamic, as it does to my natural, magnetic attraction to free-thinking mindsets, and those who'll question, or rebel against, the system.

One thing I am curious about is, if it is a product of socialisation, - of which having the burden of expectation placed on them to adhere to, many despise -, why don't more of those writing female characters in a fictional, creative environment, where they're totally free to do what they want, and be whoever they want to be, without fear of repercussion or reprisal, take the opportunity to break free of those chains of societal expectation, rather than continue to reinforce them. Even if only momentarily, and I don't mean as 'Dommes', but in regard to generalised gender stereotypes.

Mr Quixotic said:

Ah, I love you Ari, (in a completely platonic way, of course!), and the way you express yourself. I pretty much agree with all you said, except with one slight exception, in that I'd completely separate strong, independent, intelligent, authoritative, seductive, from dominant.

The latter, to me. has a specific meaning which doesn't necessarily follow on from or directly relate to the others. However, that may just be my sometimes semantic brain talking, and the fact that whilst I look for those qualities in a woman, both in real life and fiction, I don't look for one to be 'dominant over me' or who is 'more dominant than me'.

In regards to roleplay, it's the quoted line that got me, as that's how I feel about constantly being asked to write Doms against Subs. It shoe-horns both characters into a little labelled box, whereas people are a lot more complex than that.

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I love you too, Quix!

You're totally spot on about separating dominance from the rest of those traits! The reason I grouped all of those traits together is because Dommes/Mistresses are normally perceived to be strong, independent, intelligent, authoritative and seductive in addition to being dominant in the bedroom (or having a dominant personality).

The point I was trying to make was that my character shouldn't have to be a Domme or Mistress in order to possess those qualities. They don't even need to be labeled as a Domme or Mistress even if they do like being the dominant entity in the relationship. If you think about my statement like this, it'll sound more accurate to what I was trying to say:

"A woman doesn't have to be this mean, torturous, older, Amazonian type woman to be considered strong or independent or intelligent or authoritative or seductive or dominant."

I was trying to say that women can be all those things even without being a Domme. And conversely, actual Domme characters shouldn't have to follow a physical or mental stereotype in order to be considered as a Domme. Hopefully I'm making sense. xD

Mr Quixotic said:

I don't disagree with that at all, Xana, and it goes a long way towards explaining why I like what I do. It doesn't as much relate to the specifics of any Dom/sub dynamic, as it does to my natural, magnetic attraction to free-thinking mindsets, and those who'll question, or rebel against, the system.

One thing I am curious about is, if it is a product of socialisation, - of which having the burden of expectation placed on them to adhere to, many despise -, why don't more of those writing female character in a fictional environment, where there totally free to do what they want, and be whoever they want to be, take the opportunity to break those chains of societal expectation, rather than reinforce them. Even if only momentarily, and I don't mean as 'Dommes', but in regard to generalised gender stereotyping.

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I think it's really hard to break free from such socialization, especially because these gender stereotypes have been ingrained in our society for so, so, so long. I'm not even sure many women even realize how strong that societal expectation is, and one of the prime examples was brought up by Fruit earlier in this thread:

"I feel most women enjoy the feeling of being desired, cherished, and sought after, and so a dynamic where they are the ones doing the hunting for dicks isn't appealing to most women. In fact, most female characters, I assume, aren't comfortable actively showing sexual attraction/sexually seeking partners outside of a pre-existing relationship between the two characters. Ie, for a typical female writer, if she is writing your character's girlfriend/wife, she could be the one seeking sex, but outside of that preset relationship, I doubt many female characters would want to be the initiator."

A dynamic in which the female is out hunting for dick doesn't mean she'll be any less desired and sought after than if she didn't go out dick hunting. Just because she starts putting in work, doesn't mean the man will just magically stop putting in work. And perhaps that idea stems from the fact that men have usually been the aggressors in relationships, and therefore most people will always see relationships as having one 'initiator' and one 'taker.' And if the female initiates, God forbid it means she just forfeits all her opportunity as a 'taker.' As if both participants can't both be giving and taking.

If you ask some women, "Are you a sexual agent or a sexual object?" Most of them would choose the first option over the second, because no one wants to be an object.

But if you ask them, "Would you pursue a man you thought was attractive?", I'm willing to bet a lot of them would say no. And when you ask them why, the simple answer you'll probably hear is, "Well they're the man, and I'm the woman, and I don't chase after men." There, they are choosing to be the sexual object without even realizing that it makes them an object to be won over. This is the mentality bleeds over into RP, and I ask myself quite often why it still exists. I still haven't found an answer. :s

Ariamella said:

I love you too, Quix!

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Well, didn't that just make my night!

Ariamella said:

The point I was trying to make was that my character shouldn't have to be a Domme or Mistress in order to possess those qualities. They don't even need to be labeled as a Domme or Mistress even if they do like being the dominant entity in the relationship. If you think about my statement like this, it'll sound more accurate to what I was trying to say:

"A woman doesn't have to be this mean, torturous, older, Amazonian type woman to be considered strong or independent or intelligent or authoritative or seductive or dominant."

I was trying to say that women can be all those things even without being a Domme. And conversely, actual Domme characters shouldn't have to follow a physical or mental stereotype in order to be considered as a Domme. Hopefully I'm making sense. xD

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And you quoted me, forgetting my penchant for going back and re-editing my original wording for about an about after my initial post, xD

No, no, you make perfect sense. My reply mostly comes from the personal experience of having others misconstrue what I'm asking for, when I know already that you're one of the rare ones, because of our similar points of view and ways of thinking, who completely understand the distinctions I make/see!

Because what I refer to is an aside to the fact that I believe males, in general, are naturally biologically wired to be 'more' dominant or aggressive, - applicable to me/my characters as well, and I wouldn't have it any other way -. which is often lost in translation!

Ariamella said:

I think it's really hard to break free from such socialization, especially because these gender stereotypes have been ingrained in our society for so, so, so long. I'm not even sure many women even realize how strong that societal expectation is, and one of the prime examples was brought up by Fruit earlier in this thread:

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That's true, but then I was socialised, correctly and thankfully, to despise rape, and respect human life, but, for the sake of fiction, and to fuel creativity, can write brutal rapists and remorseless serial killers. Expecting a male to commit heinous, inhuman acts that hopefully he and all others abhor in real-life, and have been socialised against, doesn't seem to be an issue for those portraying female characters who request us to play them.

Not that I particularly mind, because being able to break societal rules is a large part of what makes writing those types of characters enjoyable, although when it comes to reciprocity, as the saying goes, "You can't judge another until you've walked a mile in their shoes", and the shoes you refer to, I've never walked in. However, there does seem to be a misconception that males don't appreciate, or deserve, to be desired or sought after, but much of that relates to your comments on agency/object.

Ariamella said:

If you ask some women, "Are you a sexual agent or a sexual object?" Most of them would choose the first option over the second, because no one wants to be an object.

But if you ask them, "Would you pursue a man you thought was attractive?", I'm willing to bet a lot of them would say no. And when you ask them why, the simple answer you'll probably hear is, "Well they're the man, and I'm the woman, and I don't chase after men." There, they are choosing to be the sexual object without even realizing that it makes them an object to be won over. This is the mentality bleeds over into RP, and I ask myself quite often why it still exists. I still haven't found an answer. :s

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Your honesty is refreshing, and I haven't found a valid answer, either. You know me well enough to be aware that I'll go out of my way not to do something if it's simply 'expected' of me for no other reason than 'because', especially when both parties are equally intellectually capable.

It's not that I won't, can't, don't want to, or actually want the other to. What it boils down to is, if they would. If the answer to that is no, then I refuse to, out of pure principle. What's good for the goose, is good for the gander

It is very difficult to find a dom girl and so frustrating too. I even decided to get out of my comfort zone from now and play switch. And I still feel like the luckiest guy on the whole planet if a girl comes up and says she doesn't mind playing a assertive role if given to her. But even then, when they get the role and push comes to shove they back out. It so frustrating I could scream! I don't even want a complete dom either, just one that is not afraid to take an assertive role from time to time. I feel that in my rps, both partners should spend a little time experiencing both roles. No one person should simply be receiving all the attention here. Each partner should spend some time in the spot light. And frankly, to me assertive girls are just more attractive then girls that just go limp in a guys arms and say "do what ever you want." And that seriously bugs the heck out of me, the whole "I am just a toy" mentality.
And most of these subs don't seem to even understand what submissive even means, its not about what can be do to you, its about what you can do for others!

Thank you for posting this thread because there was a lot of this on my chest and I am glad I got some of it off.