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Burning Bridges (A lousy pun title for my journal)

TheyDontKnowIBurn

Supernova
Joined
May 10, 2009
Location
The Asscrack of nowhere, WA
Yeah... So I'm going to keep this little journal of my thoughts, and the like.

September 13, 2009

I find I've been feeling either intensely angry or devestatingly depressed as of late. The mask I wear to hide this from my peers is slowly chipping away, and I can't quite seem to care. Kinda morbidly curious about how people will react the the ugly bitch that I really am. Call it an experiment, I guess. Tired of fake happy. That shit hurts like hell. So screw it. I'm done going out of my way to put the happy face on. If people don't like it, tough shit. They can just leave me the hell alone. With any luck, their reactions will at least bring me some amusement.
 
9/26/09
Ever feel like you shouldn't exist? I do... Family is supposed to be there for one another... So what the fuck is wrong with mine? What the hell did I do to be treated like a piece of shit by my own father? And you know, it wouldn't be so bad if he was more upfront about his feelings towards me, but no... He's not. The fucker always says "Well, I want the best for you" this, and "I care about you as much as your sisters." Bullshit. If you did, I wouldn't have to fight for every fucking thing I need. You bitch at me cuz I'm a senior and it's gonna be expensive. Well fucking sorry I didn't drop out in the 8th grade like you did, asshole. I know it's not in the family tradition to graduate from highschool, but you should have expected it after all the bitching you used to do over grades. I'm still a fucking dependent, you douchebag. Yeah, I'm 18, but you still claim me on your goddamn taxes as a dependent, so I damn well expect that you treat me like a human, and not some piece of trash. I'm not asking for fancy clothes. Hell, I'm not asking for a new pair of jeans which I really need right about now, cuz mine are falling apart. No. All I'm asking for are the essentials, like food, and a few dollars here and there for school supplies. I'm trying to get a job as it is, but you fucked me over on that one pretty thoroughly as well, because you promised you'd get me in driver's ed so I could actually learn to drive, so that God forbid I don't have to walk four miles at night when all the gangs are out on the prowl. So yeah... To the father who says he's doing his best, but in truth isn't doing a damn thing, FUCK YOU. Consider this bridge quite thoroughly burned.
 
5/22/10

I feel so unbelievably low today. I try to talk with my boyfriend but I can't enjoy it. He talks about his birthday and how he has so many family members and they'll all be there to celebrate his 20th... I try to be happy for him, but inside all I feel is an even greater depression welling up, and an immense jealousy for what he has and what I never will have. It makes me want to cry hearing him talk of his family when mine is so non-existent. But I can't ask him to stop. I can't make him stop talking about what he loves, just because it hurts to hear. That'd just be selfish of me... I guess all that I can do is write this out and suck it up. I can't make my family come back... The past is dead. So I guess I'll just leave this little entry here and then go lay down and try to forget. Sleeping helps when I wanna forget things. I like the dreams I have. They're intense and powerful and moving. They're everything life isn't for me. Daydreams don't quite cut it as well as real, full fledged, when you sleep type dreams. I wish I could sleep forever and stay there in my dreams. Real life just leaves me with a sense of dread and helplessness. Hopelessness. Whatever. Both.

Good Night, I guess. Though people probably don't read this. So I guess I'm just saying good night to me. Which means I'm talking to myself. Which just further proves that I am out of my silly little mind. That should be a good conversational piece for my imaginary time spent with the shrink I don't have.
 
I don't know if you'll catch this before you go to bed, but...

It's not selfish of you to feel jealous or upset about your boyfriends family. You should tell him how it makes you feel when he speaks about them. He doesn't have to stop, but maybe he could get you more involved with his family. Do you have a good relationship with them? It never hurts to try and connect, that way you won't feel left out.

~Ezekiel
 
Is there some law that says I can't tell my dumb bitch of a sister to go choke on a dick, because that's all she'll ever be good at? Because if she continues to act like she is about me having to move back home, me calling her that will be the least of the list of things I will do. Like it or not, that is my dad, and my little sister, and my dad's house, and so long as my dad says it's okay, I have just as much right to be there as that dumb bitch. Probably more since I'll be paying half the rent and doing majority of the chores.
 
Confession time to no one in particular, I guess... I'm feeling so down right now it hurts... My "boyfriend" is just an internet flame, and if things keep going, that's all he'll ever be. I tried as hard as I can to get us together, but he just doesn't seem to want to work with me. I can't do it alone. I don't have a job, and I don't have money to make this happen... And it feels as though he doesn't give two shits. It's been 2 years since we decided we'd be together... Two years of talking, and two years of me pulling myself off the market. I'm starting to regret it, because it seems like he's just along for the ride.

I don't even know why I thought an internet relationship would be a good idea... Probably confidence issues. I'll never be pretty enough or interesting enough, or smart enough to get a guy in real life, my mind keeps telling me.

So I settle for this, and tell myself I'm satisfied. But even if we do get to meet soon, what's the point? He's going into the airforce, so I won't get to be with him yet again... But he keeps saying he doesn't want to give me up... I just don't know anymore. I feel loved half the time, but the other times I just feel empty... I feel stupid about putting my heart on line, and even stupider for letting myself build emotions for someone I don't know physically... *Sighs*

I wish I could be more confident. I wish I felt prettier, smarter, more interesting... Maybe if I liked myself and had some confidence I could get a real guy.

I feel pathetic for posting about drama with an internet boyfriend, but it's the closest thing to real I've had... And I feel so fucking retarded for getting caught up in this. It just hurts... I want to cry 75% of the time, but I just can't let myself do it, because then I feel weak. I really am a fucking mess, aren't I... A stupid, fucking mess, who let herself get caught up in something pathetic and not real... Guess that's all I'll have.
 
Welp, I could always take ya out on the town if you just needed a friend to run around with, get some of that human contact in your life. Nothing more, nothing less. I know I could use some contact with a non-drug addict Yakima scumbag at least.
 
I just cried really, really hard for the first time in a long time. Go figure it was someone who's supposed to give a damn that made me cry. I ask for help on an application, she makes me feel stupid about not knowing, even though this is the first time I've had to fill out apps. She decides I'm getting attitude. I tell her I'm not. She hands me my applications back saying "I'm not even gonna help you considering you're getting a nasty attitude." I'm like "One, I'm not getting an attitude. I just calmly said I know about something. Two, if I was it's because you're constantly making digs at my intelligence and making me feel like shit." So she tells me "Well, it's your fault for acting like you know everything." Obviously I didn't, because I went to her for help (big fucking mistake). Things escalate and I tell her if she doesn't want me getting upset with her to stop yelling at me and putting me down. She then proceeds to tell if I don't like it, leave. So I said fine, I was gone. I'm now sitting in my room, packing to go live with my father, which isn't a much better option. I absolutely wish I had some backbone, because I would have said things that would have hurt her just as bad as she hurt me. But I couldn't. I couldn't do it because I was too weak. The idea of hurting someone else makes me hurt worse... So I couldn't do it. I just stood there and let myself be a target... And I pretty much hate myself for that. God, I wish I could break her down like she does me on a daily basis.
 
So I should find out if I got it this week. I want a job, but I was kinda hoping to get one where I am living, because the GTA doesn't really run on my schedule and I don't want to move back to the place I was. But I will if I get the job.
 
So what do you do when nothing works? I just wanna quit. Tired of fighting for good shit to happen when it never fucking does. I don't wanna try anymore... I just want to call it quicks. I'm sick of people tearing me down. I'm not good enough? Fuck all. I don't care anymore... I'm never going to please anyone, no matter what the fuck I do, so get the fuck off my case. I'm tired of people only treating me human when they want something... And I'm sick and fucking tired of being alone. No one jumps to my defense when shit goes wrong. No matter how right I am, I'm the one who gets ganged up on. I get it. I ain't worth shit to anyone who "cares".

Dad: You're just too fucking lazy to care. Just as long as someone is there to pick up the slack when your slut of a younger daughter fucks around.

Mom: Ya know, there aren't enough ways for me to describe how much you've hurt me. Pissed off at me cause I don't call? Pick up the fucking phone and call me occasionally. You're the parent. Make things happen. It's not just my job...

Sister: Go choke on a dick. That is all. You're not even worth the time to bother with.

Littlest sister: Go choke on a dick. I'm sure the aforementioned sister can teach you to do it, you sniveling little turncoat. God forbid you're asked to do anything outside of your easy ass chores. As soon as you get in trouble, you turn on whoever called you on it.

Dad's GF: Piss off. You're not the reason for what success I have managed to scrounge up. That was all fucking me. That diploma? It says my name, not yours. You didn't earn it. I did. I did my homework. I studied. I got good grades. I worked hard to be a good officer in speech and debate. Not. Fucking. YOU.

Boyfriend: Grow a fucking pair! Help me out. It's not just on me to get you here for a visit. And if it's going to be then fuck it. It's obvious you don't want it if you can't be bothered to help me out, damnit. I've put 2 years of my life on hold for you. Don't make me regret it.
 
I give up on the other journal. I can't find the bright side to everything... Sometimes it just isn't there. Like today. I woke up feeling so miserable I wanted to cry. I hate this life... I'm very close to losing any motivation to keep going... I feel so alone right now, I wish I could just disappear. I hate the town I live in. There's no one here for me. There's not good outlet for me to make friends, because I didn't go to school here. This town is small. That is the only outlet people have with which to make likeminded friends. I hate this place, but I'm stuck here.

I don't feel like trying anymore. I've tried for 9 years to make things good in my life... And they just don't work. God has a reason for everything, it's said. But what's the reason for me waking up each day, wishing I hadn't? I don't see the reason anyone should just wish they'd stop being. Why does it have to be me who feels this way? Selfish question, I know, because there are others, but why me? Why can't I be different?

I wish I wasn't around anymore. I'm tired of waking up, and realizing it's another day alone for me. The realization is a killer.

The only time things are okay is when he's around... But what about the rest of the time? I can't do this anymore.

God, I wish something would just happen to take me away. I'm don't wanna do this anymore, and I don't wanna feel this anymore.
But don't worry. I'll never just be another number... I would never be the one to end my own life. I fear dying to much to induce it myself. Even if they thoughts are there, I don't think I could ever actually make it happen.
 
Fuck my life. I don't even care anymore.

Had a dream last night that I would lose him. Sad thing is, I have no doubt I will. He deserves something better than I can give. He deserves a girl who he doesn't have to keep tabs on lest she wake up one day and decide to off herself. He deserves someone who doesn't come with so much ex-drama. He deserves someone who's there more than once a month. And I just can't give it to him...

And he deserves someone a lot prettier. It's bad when even your younger sisters don't miss a chance to tell you you a fatass, or call you a whale or a hippo.

I just don't even care anymore... Let them keep pushing me and treating me like shit... Someday I won't be around to be the punching bag. Maybe sooner than they think...

That's okay. Not like they'd miss me. It's been made clear that life was better when I wasn't around. I don't care anymore. Fuck them. I don't need family. I don't really need any of this shit. More and more I wish I could just splatter my brains against the fucking wall. Maybe that'd get a reaction out of them. Maybe they'd realize then what they do to me when they tell me I'm worthless or fat or ugly. But I doubt it. They don't care. They'd just think I'd finally cracked. It would just be about damn time. And they'd only miss me when they realized that there was something I used to do that they have to now. *shrugs*

Maybe dad would act sad for a little bit. But he'd move on quick enough.

The sisters would probably dance on my fucking grave. I don't care. There's a special place in hell for them. Prolly not to far from the spot I'll no doubt inhabit at some point.

I just hate. I'm done trying to rationalize why they need to break me down for laughs. I just hate them, and I hope they suffer. This is what I've become. Something vengeful, and angry, and miserable.

Shame I could never off myself. Being a chicken fucking sucks. Whatever. Eventually I'll just shut down and stop responding to all this.. That'll be the best way.
 
*hugs Burny*

Firstly, you're not ugly.
Secondly, you're not a fatass.
Thirdly, you are worth something!!!!!
Fourthly, not wanting to follow through with 'offing' yourself tells me this... there's at least a shred in there somewhere you do think is worth something. Focus on it, embrace it and know that you mean something to at least someone out there, if not more.

<333333333
*much love to you, sweetie, I'm thinking about you*
 
You, my dear, are one of the prettiest ladies I know. Do not let those idiots drag you down. You have a man who loves you, dearly, and accepts you for EVERYTHING you are.

WHO ELSE AM I GONNA SHARE RECIPES WITH D:<

Keep in mind he chose you out of all the pretty little girls.
 
You're definitely not ugly. Or a fatass. Though I am not in a position to make assertions about the whys and hows of your life, I'm very confident that you do have a lot to contribute. If it hasn't occurred to you already maybe you could consider that some people are just trying to bring you down because you have a vibrancy they lack or to shore up their own personal failings.
 
Ya know, feeling suck.

I know why it happened. I understand. And I respect the decision. But it doesn't change me feeling like a defective human being. If I wasn't so deep in my depression, I could have been helpful to you. And maybe things would have been different.

But the depression controls more and more of me. I push my friends away because things don't feel "right". I lost you because things didn't feel "right".

I find myself feeling a little bitter too. Because of something you said to me once, that kinda fell through. I dunno why I feel bitter, because I know I shouldn't, but I do. I feel bitter.

But don't get me wrong. I don't hate. Don't think I'll ever be able to hate you. God, I wish I could, because it would be easier to move past this, but I don't. And I won't. No matter how hard I wish it, I can't hate you. Hell, I dunno that I can even keep myself from talking to you. In fact, I know, if you gave me the chance, I would continue to talk to you any chance I got.

I wish I could cut you out and try to heal the hurt, but I can't. It's not your fault, don't take this as me pointing fingers. But you weren't the better option for me, though you said you wanted to be. And I wasn't for you.

If I were stronger, more patient, maybe I could have dealt with the alternative provided by you. But the offer was such a long time. And I couldn't live with just knowing it could be, but it wasn't, for that long.

And I wouldn't be able to fill that time with someone else either. It'd feel wrong towards that person that I filled the time with, and towards the situation as a whole. I'd feel like I was leading them on, just waiting for a chance at you. That's something I couldn't forgive myself for.

God, I wish I was stronger. If I thought being alone wouldn't kill me in the time span you put out there, I would've gone for it. No questions asked. Hands down. But I'm too weak. I know what would happen. I would lose it and do something I'd regret.

All I have is regrets now. I regret that I love so quick. I regret that I loved so thoroughly, because now it's just boiled down into a hurt that I know is gonna be there for a long time. It's shouldn't be possible to have loved this quick. It shouldn't be. But I did. And I regret it. Because now all I'm left to do is hurt.

I don't regret the time spent, or that I put so much of my heart on the line, because I was happy then, there with you. Things felt right. But in the same breath, I do regret it, because now I feel lost. I gave something to you that I can never get back, and I regret doing so when I see that between the two of us, maybe we just didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell.

There are so many conflicting feelings and thoughts inside. And they are at a war which is just tearing me all apart. Times like these, I wish I had no soul to feel with, because that would just have nipped this whole problem squarely in the bud.

I loved the way you made me feel. Not just physically. But you built me up so very much. I loved the way it felt knowing someone cared and thought so highly of me. I loved the way you were protective of me, and how you got your hackles up when someone hurt me, because I knew you cared enough. And I cared back. I just failed at protecting you in anyway.

I couldn't help you even a little bit. I couldn't help myself. And for that, I hate myself. Realizing that my weakness and inability to cope with the depression cost me so much. I hate myself.

I wish I could've been so much better for you. That's another thing I regret. I couldn't do anything for you despite the amazing things you did for me.

This is probably the last time I will ever say it, because it's the last time there will be any reason, but I love you.

I know you probably won't see this. Which may be just as good. I don't want to guilt you. But this is going to be a part of the healing process for me.

I'll post this journal, with all my thoughts, my feelings, and my hurt, and then I'll close my heart to it from this point on. I'll be friends, and I'll talk, if you want to talk with me, but ya know, I don't wanna damage things any worse than they are already.

I want to be your friend. I really do. But I never want to cause you anymore difficulties. You deserve so much better.

I'm sorry. I guess that's all there is left to say. I gave you the image of a strong woman you could rely on. But I couldn't be as strong as I thought I was in the end. I'm sorry for that, and for everything else.

I'm sorry.
 
I have never, ever felt quite so alone in my life. The people who are supposed to care, just don't...

Like my dad. I tried to tell him I was depressed and I needed some help. He just told me it was normal and I'd get over it... Thanks dad...
I feel so lost right now. I'm sick of crying.

And one of the only people who seems to care is stationed clear in Germany... Goddamn, what did I do to merit this kind of hell?

I swear it must have been bad to feel like this every day.... I musta kicked children and stole candy from small puppies to deserve this...

All there is now is anger and sadness, and a feeling of hopelessness that just won't stop.
 
I HAVE NO REGRETS. Hmmm, that feels good to say. Things happened how they happened for a reason. He was ill prepared for anything serious, and it's best I learned that quick. I love him still, because it doesn't just go away, but I know this wasn't my fault (regardless of what he says), and I know now not to be so trusting of people. I will be strong. I will move on, and fuck anyone who tries and slow my progress down.

Planning on moving to Texas to be with the people who mean the most to me. I got to headlong into this, and forgot about what's most important. My friends. But they forgive me, and where they are is home for me. I will always know that people care. How I lost sight of that is beyond me. But now I know, and I will be happy, and I will be with my friends.

I've also been given the opportunity to be a scenery/inking artist in a webcomic. Pretty awesome if you ask me.

Other good news. I've got my birth certificate. I've got my school transcript. I have everything I need to get my social security card and my state ID. GO ME! No more being turned down when I go to buy energy shots. XD

As it is, I'm putting off my goal of Northwest College of art. It is postponed, not erased. I will go to a community college in Texas, then once I'm stronger and less freaked out, I will come back to WA and pursue my studies at NCA.

As a last not, fuck you kharma! I'm making things happen for myself. You lose control now. Bye bye. XP
 
You sure as hell made it seem that way. Telling me how I was weak and so on. How it didn't work because I was immature. That is most definitely what it sounded like from the point of view I was reading from. But I don't care. I'm putting this in my past, as I don't see a need to linger on past hurts. You wanted me to move on and make things happen for myself. I'm going down tomorrow, opening a bank account, doing commissions till I have enough money to take a bus to Wenatchee, and I'm getting my social security card. From there I'll get my ID, just so I have something to fall back on when I need to get my Texas state ID. You wanted me to move on and change things for myself. So I'm doing that. Now this goes in the past, as I'm quite done thinking on our fling. *shrugs* I mean no ill will or hard feelings to you, because frankly, you warned me before what you were like, so it's my own naivite that got me in this mess.
 
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