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let me bust your creative balls [brutal feedback thread]

riahxoxo

Moon
Joined
Jan 25, 2016
Location
never ever land
as you probably already know, we have quite the diverse playerbase here on blue moon. some of us are totally vanilla, while others are so depraved that they actually admit to said depravity? isn't that just the coolest thing?

that being said, i'm almost positive that we have at least a few humiliation sluts with hidden somewhere among us, who'd salivate at the idea of being insulted and slandered out in the open.

bring me one of your posts and i'll be brutally honest in my critique.

* the critique you get will also be constructive, meaning i'll offer suggestions on how i think you could improve/get more roleplays/etc. this thread isn't to make others feel bad about their writing -- if you'd like a critique that's gentle or even especially brutal, say so.
 
...Fuck it. I can take criticism. I've had Drill Sergeants. But...keep it sane with your critiques, please? xD

My non-fandom and fandom threads alike have been lackluster in replies. I will post both here, but feel free to only take a look at one. :)

Non-Fandom: http://bluemoonroleplaying.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=65556

Fandom: http://bluemoonroleplaying.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=64720
 
how_is_you said:
...Fuck it. I can take criticism. I've had Drill Sergeants. But...keep it sane with your critiques, please? xD

My non-fandom and fandom threads alike have been lackluster in replies. I will post both here, but feel free to only take a look at one.

first and foremost, i want to sincerely thank you for your service in the armed forces. please try and stay safe.

secondly : i went through your non-fandom search thread and couldn't find any glaring evidence of why you're not getting at least somewhat quality replies. you're articulate, you have a sense of humor, you're well-balanced ..

perhaps an in-depth analysis would yield more conclusive results, hmm? reply to the email i sent you and we can work something out :*
 
Seeing as you're your own worst critic, I doubt you'll be worse than me. Cliche as it is, the only difference between someone whose successful and someone whose a failure, is the person whose successful kept getting back up after failing.


Anthony didn't know whether to laugh or nod, when Isobel asked if he made a deal with the devil to attain his humble abode. She would soon find out he could be a devil if she displeased him, but also a loving god if she followed his commandment, as soon as she signed her lovely name in his contract. Isobel's silence was icing on the cake, as Anthony knew she never saw a house like his before, as the man she escorted could hardly take her to their houses. His strategy was to shock and awe her, and it seemed to be working just as he knew it would. “To think I didn’t even take you to bed room yet, and you’re already saying good lord.” Anthony’s grin was from ear to ear, as he had half a mind to rip her clothes off and ravage her, not sure if they would even make to the bed room by the time he was done with her.

"That would be correct my lovely wife," he said as if he always called her his wife, after all he had to get used to calling her that, "Though I expect more than just pretending, otherwise I'd just use my imagination." Anthony listened with smug satisfaction at the blonde's confession. “Then I hope you can swim, as I’d hate to lose you.” The words were sincere as the man with light skin and eyes, but dark hair hated the idea of doing this all over again, but he had to admit that she was growing on him. “Are you sure? I promise that it’s free and I didn’t spike it.” Anthony chuckled and shook his head, as now who was going to finish the whiskey, the whiskey it took him several months for it to be close to empty. The man just nodded, as if he didn’t know his house was “nice”. As Anthony was more concerned with how he was going to turn an escort into a proper New York woman. Well, at least look like a proper New York woman.

The sensation of flesh on flesh, got Anthony’s attention nearly shivering, only to find it was Isobel’s fingers that brushed across his to grab the bottle. At the woman’s command, he raised wondering if she had recently taken a blow to the head, to be giving him an order. However, Anthony decided to humor her and sat down. Only to be rewarded with her being a good girl and bringing him a drink, if only he drank more than one a day. “You really are a fast learner, thank you.” Anthony took the drink and took a sip, before putting it down on the coaster. He had to admit, she had painted a pretty picture of what he was into in the bedroom. “I’m also into blindfolds, breath control, orgasm denial, ice play, and anal, but you got most of them.” Anthony caught Isobel’s inspecting his raw masculine body, and decided to tease her by crossing his arms, his biceps pressing against the fabric of his suit.

When Isobel pushed the stack of money he gave her, Anthony would’ve kissed her if she wasn’t against it. “I’m touched really, Isobel, but it’s yours,” for a moment the arrogance was gone and replaced with a genuine warmth, “think of it has a sign on bonus.” Anthony snapped back into reality and pushed the stack of hundreds back towards Isobel, having lost his mind. She knew he’d pay for everything and she would be getting paid soon anyway, she just wanted to trick him into thinking she wasn’t like other women. Anthony’s visage became a grimace at the mention of diapers, making him second guess if he made the right choice, if Isobel had participated in deplorable acts such as that. “At first I didn’t remember your name,” Anthony admitted with reluctance “but I remember you as you had a crush on me in school. As if it were anyone else you’d be worried it was a serial killer.” He may have been a fool when it came to women back then, but even then he knew she was head over heels for him. Anthony wondered if he would’ve dated Isobel back then, would things be different now or would it just be another cruel prank of fate.

“I don’t have the time or patience for the traditional route, and I’d rather have someone that I knew.” Used to know, but Anthony wasn’t into semantics and he didn’t feel like deluging more. It was his turn to touch her, as he ran his right hand along her left leg, nearly sliding down and caressing her inner thigh before he pulled his hand back. “Next to the liquor cabinet there’s another cabinet. Inside the cabinet is your contract. Be a dear and take it out, I want you to look it over before you sign it.” Seeing how Isobel had covered his kinks, Anthony figured he’d fill in the rest. “The contract reads mostly like a contract between dominants and subs.” He played around as a dominant, but this was the first time he involved a contract, as this was not a one off scene. “In short you belong to me and have to listen to what I say. You are to fulfill my needs whether it be sexual, physically, emotional, mental, and what have you.” Anthony was torn between which fantasy he liked more, having Isobel cook and clean his house or leaving both her holes gaped. “In return you’ll be paid two thousand dollars on a bi weekly basis.” That was peanuts compared to what he made, but he knew that would lift her into the middle class, as well as being exempt from tax. And here is the moment of truth, Anthony thought to himself with glee, will she sign the contract or not. “What do you say, Isobel? Will you be my wife?”
 
riahxoxo said:
first and foremost, i want to sincerely thank you for your service in the armed forces. please try and stay safe.

secondly : i went through your non-fandom search thread and couldn't find any glaring evidence of why you're not getting at least somewhat quality replies. you're articulate, you have a sense of humor, you're well-balanced ..

perhaps an in-depth analysis would yield more conclusive results, hmm? reply to the email i sent you and we can work something out :*

I never received an email. I will send a PM your way instead. :)
 
Storm clouds rolled over what should have been a clear night sky. The ominous smog of grey hid the twinkling stars from view and blocked out the light of the full moon. Veins of lightning scattered through the cumulonimbus like the webbing of spiders. Thunder roared with the echo of horrible screams that vibrated the air. It hung thick, moisture filling the atmosphere and bringing about a foggy mist that clung to the city streets like thick blankets.

A pause, a moment of silence as a streak of light left the heavens. Pure electricity hit the ground, power lines snapped, transformers exploded into sparks and the resounding boom of thunder rattled the windows of mortals all across the city. And left on the smoldering ground in a deserted ally way a now pitiful looking creature lay. Nude aside from a flimsy cloth around his waist, blood drenching his back and face. "I don't need you!" the creature called into the heavy air. The heat of the asphalt under his vulnerable form was foreign, the weight of gravity even more so as his muscles strained to push himself up.

Visions in the mind's eye, a fleeting face, a sweetly called name, the lingerings of a kiss lost on his lips. He crawled forward in desperation, reaching out blindly.

You're no one without me. A voice that boomed in his head.

You're no one to me. A voice that broke his heart.

And then it started to fade, his face, his touch. The memory of a forbidden love fading into nothing but a lingering feeling he didn't understand. Stumbling to his feet only to fall back onto his knees he threw his head back. "Are you happy now?!" He yowled, voice drowned out by the crack of thunder and a flash of light.

Without him, you're nothing.

"I'm no one!" Eye lids were forced open, exposing open, bloody sockets to the sky. Another crack that rocked the city and the sky opened up. Heavy ran came in sheets and the creature cried his pain, ducking his head and hiding the vulnerable holes with his hands. "I'm no one!"

The cleansing rain fall washed away the blood on his back, exposing the white, hollow bones poking out of the nubs of flesh and feathers on his shoulder blades. Once his iridescent onyx wings could make even the most beautiful ravens weep with envy. Now they were nothing more then bloody stumps, a perfect example of God's loving mercy. Locks of ebony now clung to his body, now frozen under the assault of icy rain. "I'm no one..." It came as a choked whisper as his muscular body quivered in the chill. He'd never felt such a thing before.

"My name..." the final memories washed away, leaving him with an emptiness deep in his chest and a hollow pain in his belly. "Is No-One."




come at me bro
 
James London said:
Seeing as you're your own worst critic, I doubt you'll be worse than me. Cliche as it is, the only difference between someone whose successful and someone whose a failure, is the person who successful kept getting back up after failing. To make things interesting, one post will be an intro and an another will be a regular post.

holy shit, where do i even start with these monsters? @-@ it's obvious you write as you think and despite popular opinion, that isn't necessarily a good thing.

it means that run-on sentences, text walls, choppy flow, etc abound in your writing, dear sir. not even halfway through reading, i got a massive headache and wanted to stop.

you clearly have a good grasp on vocabulary and content, although if you're going to write out every reaction your character has, you ought to make use of the quotes function so readers like me don't get confused.

the text walls are also an issue. who the fuck told you that it's okay to write 900-sentence paragraphs? unless you're trying to make your partners' eyes bleed, use six sentence paragraphs instead.

you need to work on your flow. google 'writing flow' and read the first 47895 results. something in there might help.

also, the difference between whose and who's is vital. please realize this.
 
riahxoxo said:
James London said:
Seeing as you're your own worst critic, I doubt you'll be worse than me. Cliche as it is, the only difference between someone whose successful and someone whose a failure, is the person who successful kept getting back up after failing. To make things interesting, one post will be an intro and an another will be a regular post.

holy shit, where do i even start with these monsters? @-@ it's obvious you write as you think and despite popular opinion, that isn't necessarily a good thing.

it means that run-on sentences, text walls, choppy flow, etc abound in your writing, dear sir. not even halfway through reading, i got a massive headache and wanted to stop.

you clearly have a good grasp on vocabulary and content, although if you're going to write out every reaction your character has, you ought to make use of the quotes function so readers like me don't get confused.

the text walls are also an issue. who the fuck told you that it's okay to write 900-sentence paragraphs? unless you're trying to make your partners' eyes bleed, use six sentence paragraphs instead.

you need to work on your flow. google 'writing flow' and read the first 47895 results. something in there might help.

also, the difference between whose and who's is vital. please realize this.
At the start I hope. And here I thought I was going to be lauded with praise, but I did ask for critique.

I'm not surprised about the run on sentences, as I throw commas around liberally, but text walls? It might just be the site, but most of my paragraphs are six to seven sentences.

Though I avoid going into every little detail, I can understand the confusion to someone not participating in the roleplay.

900 sentence paragraphs? Like I said above most of my paragraphs range from six to seven sentences, rarely going more than nine.

To think I strive to vary the length of my sentences...

Fair point.

Thanks for the advice, riahxoxo. I'll have to take another look at my posts, now that I have a different perspective.
 
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At the start I hope. And here I thought I was going to be lauded with praise, but I did ask for critique.

you did, indeed.

I'm not surprised about the run on sentences, as I throw commas around liberally, but text walls? It might just be the site, but most of my paragraphs are six to seven sentences.

oh, are there? hm. the text walls could be my device---i can check in the morning.

Thanks for the advice, riahxoxo. I'll have to take another look at my posts, now that I have a different perspective.

aww, you're welcome, qt. come back anytime, ok? and remember: there is no right or wrong way to write.
 
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