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Medieval Fun Time Land (Anyone can join)

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"What do you mean, 'the last guy'?" Lena shouted.

[[The city watch finally arrives at the behest of the citizen who'd gotten offended at Lena's butt, demanding answers about crazy bitches and possibly vampires]]

"We should probably leave."
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Míchon glared at the guardsmen, almost daring them to do something. "Yes, let's go." He took the lead, following the road leading to the armory he so badly wanted to check out.
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Lena pulled herself up using Michon's arm as a brace. She tugged on the potion girl's shirt, saying, "Come on, don't let them catch you with those super potions." Beckoning the girl to follow, she took off following Michon towards the armorer.
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"Ah, where are we going?" Vivi hissed. She hoped she hadn't fallen in with a group of troublemakers who would only get themselves caught.

[[Meanwhile, the lieutenant subcommander of the public morals division glared around the scene while his men took statements from the streetfolk. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted the trio making a run for it.

"Hrmmm," he grumbled. He wasn't sure what all was going on here but someone was going to jail tonight.]]
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"Okay, so, a little exposition is in order, " Lena said as they trod the dirt road leading toward the nearest armor shop. She filled potion girl in on everything that had happened over the last couple pages, including the medusa bandit quest and how her undergarments had been inexplicably exploding since Dmitrei showed up. She left out the part about Michon assaulting her, out of shame of having allowed it to happen. "So that's what we're doing later if you want to jump in for a share of the quest reward. What's your name anyway?"
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"Ohhh, so you're murderhobos," Vivi mused. "That explains a lot."
She gave Lena a beaming grin. "Well, I'd be happy to accompany you your little mission. I'm into a bit more of a... highbrow profession of vitality cancellation, but I'm always up for a little killing things and taking their stuff. And getting paid for it, right?"

She held out her hands to her new compatriots. "Vivi Blackenshield. At your service."
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

(Great, now my monitor has coffee all over it because of the word "murderhobos")

"Yup, and for some reason my panties keep 'sploding. Oh hey, we're here."

[[The Armored Armoire is the finest outlet for the cheapest, most worthless armor in the entire region, focusing almost exclusively on the impractical and needlessly sluttish armor that adventurers seem to prefer these days. Inside the shop there are shelves lined with armor that won't cover any vital areas unless your heart happens to be in your crotch, with mindboggling enchantments like +2 to Spaghetti Arms, whatever that means]]

"Oh this is just the cutest!" Lena said, picking up a chainmail thong with a sash across the butt with the word "Juicy" emblazoned on it. "And this way everyone can know in advance that my nethers are juicy. I love free advertising!"
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"As though you didn't advertise enough already," Vivi murmured.

She cast her eye across the selection. Some of them were rather fetching, she had to admit, if only because she liked using the word "fetching" every so often. Perhaps she should invest in one? She cast a glance to either side and slide a slinky golden chainmail number into her coat.

It's not like she ever used real armor anyway. Mobility was quite important in her profession.
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Míchon hardly paid any attention to Lena's and Vivi's conversation. Yeah, he was excited about having another companion for his quest, but he really wanted to see that armory.

Once inside, all the dark elf could do was gawk at the assortment of metal bikinis and sluttish pieces of armor that barely covered one's tender bits. On top of that, the enchantments. Oh the enchantments...

He picked up a large breastplate that was (surprisingly) rather well made, examining the tag attached to it. "Plus 5 to jiggliness?" He looked at the blacksmith, a rather heavy dwarf man (wait... those are breasts... Oh, gods it's a bearded woman!). "Seriously?"
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"Oh shit, plus FIVE?!" Lena exclaimed. "Gimme dat shit." She snatched the breastplate from Michon and tried to put it on, but her scrawny frame wasn't exactly going to fill it out, not even with plus five to her jiggles. "Aww, man. I guess I need to stick to the padded push-up wonder breastplates."

Sighing in frustration, she went back to the thong-mail and picked out two of the more pointless offerings. "What do you think, 'Juicy' or 'Butt' on the ass? I mean, butt is obvious, but sometimes people need clarification, and it's got plus three to blowjobs."
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

[[The blacksmith came over to help Lena it. She flipped the description tags over, showing her the enchantments. "If ye want to give good blowjobs, yeah, go fer th' butt'un. But if'n ye want yer healing spells an' potions to be doubly effective, go fer th' juicy'un. Plus, it adds a wee amount of size to yer arse."]]

Míchon had given up looking for armor. He had gone through the men's section, and hadn't found a thing. Well, he found plenty, just not anything useful.

"I think I'll stick to making my own armor," he sighed, setting down a leather tunic that claimed it had a 20% chance of killing the wearer.

But that was when he saw it. A small advertisement on the wall, with a picture of two men, one in green and one wearing the same in black. He rushed past Vivi, almost running in to her, to get a closer look.

[["Off on a legendary quest? Need the proper gear for killing the savior of the land? Get yours here! (picture of Link and Dark Link) Hero and Dark Hero sets starting at 100,000,000 gold!"]]
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"Sold!" Lena shouted when she heard that the Juicy thong enhanced healing effects. This was gonna be the best thing she strapped onto her crotch since that pair of shorts with the dragon dildo attached. She plopped her coins down on the counter and shimmied into her new junk-sling, noticing that the chainmail was made without any kind of a liner and was already pinching her ladybits. "What the hell is it about women's armor and being totally horrible?" Really, was a little piece of cloth along the gusset so much to ask?

Shuffling over to where Michon was man-crushing on a couple of elf heroes, she took note of the exceptional gear they seemed to be wearing. Of course, the whole image might be PhotoSmithed to make the gear look better, but it seemed pretty authentic. "A hundred million? That's a lot of gold for your outfit. Seems to me that if you had the money for that kind of gear, you could probably just retire and quit all the adventuring stuff, nothing but margaritas and big boobed halfling chicks all day long."
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"... yeah..." the dark elf sighed. Thoughts retirement floated through his mind, forming a little thought bubble above his head. The scene depicted him settling down and having a family, raising at least three kids, and growing old with the one he loved. The bubble disappeared when he shook his head. He turned to Lena, immediately noticing her armor. "Good, you got something." Míchon beckoned Vivi. "Let's get going, then."
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Lena plopped down another coin and took a copy of the latest Dracopolitan for a little light reading on the way to Spinefang Doomvillage. The cover boasted an exhaustive catalog of monster cocks and which ones were safe to jump on. These were the important things that people needed to know, along with the latest gossip on which witch was witching the witchiest witchings, and some porn in the back, just for fun. Lena turned straight to the porn section and wandered out the door behind Michon, but on the way out she couldn't help noticing what was probably the least practical piece of chainmail ever. Words failed to adequately describe the nightmare of straps and chains and totally pointless plates, which seemed to be held in place by piercings which would be super to the duper painful. "We should really get out of here before I get any ideas."

[[The fog seemed to only have intensified in the late morning, which was probably good since it stopped the guards from following them and arresting them. Still, it might make their quest a little more difficult]]

"Hey who was the girl in your little thought bubble a minute ago? She was super cute!"
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Vivi leered over Lena's shoulder, a little too embarrassed to outright ask to see the magazine. She noticed on the cover there was a section discussing sex magic and she thought that maybe she could get some pointers to improve her game, seeing as how she was more than a little clueless in such matters.
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Out of the corner of her eye, Lena caught Vivi peeking at her magazine. She giggled and dropped back from Michon to give the girl a better view. "I don't mind sharing if you want," she said. "What part do you wanna see?"
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Vivi sputtered. "Um, uh, ah, aha, er..." She looked away suddenly, her face tinged with magenta. Realizing how stupid this all looked, she made a saving throw to regain her composure.

Play it cool, Vivi. Dracopolitan is for scrubs. Everyone knows they rehash the same bs every three issues. Just act like you're wayyyyy too cool and worldly for that kind of crap. No one can know that I still have my unicorn credentials!
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Míchon sweatdropped. "Nobody," he said quickly. "She was nobody."

[[Laughter came out of the foggy air at them, seemingly everywhere. Bandits were known to frequent the roads leading to the city. A voice called out, "Well, well, look what we've got here, boys! Mercenaries!"

"And sexy ones at that!" a feminine voice giggled.

"Can it!" hissed a third, sounding more in charge and mature.]]

The dark elf adventurer took out his bow and set an arrow on the string, holding it ready. He didn't know if either of the two women had any weapons. "Lena, Vivi, stay behind me," he ordered.
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"I'm sorry, what is this the 1250's?" Lena scoffed. "Us girls aren't exactly defenseless." She threw an eight foot greatsword into the fog to impale one of the bandits. Okay, she really hoped that was a bandit and not some dude walking his dog. Alarmed cries of 'what the fuck!' went up from the bandits in the fog as she drew out the handle of another sword from the tiny pouch on her hip.

"Bag of holding," she explained. "It's Prada, too."
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Míchon's gold eyes began glowing as he concentrated, muttering some sort of incantation. When finished, he fired (literally) his arrow, the small flame burning off some of the surrounding fog. Screams of pain and cursing punctuated the arrow's hit. "Gotcha!" Míchon cheered. He glanced back at Lena. "Bag of holding, huh? I've got one, too. Keep my potions and some other things in it."

[["Shit, these guys are tough!" one of the bandits cried. Other shouts of surprise and fear overlapped and faded as the bandits took flight.]]
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Vivi hefted her sword-sheathed-in-a-glaive, which she had clearly been carrying around this whole time, and she spun it around quickly attempting to dazzle the foes with her sick moves. She lost her grip and it flew away, handily decapitating one of the bandits in the process.

"Yeah. Totally just as planned," she muttered, dashing after to fetch her weapon.
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"Nice throw, Vivi!" Míchon said, laughing. The beheaded bandit had just stood there while the others fled. "Cool sword, too." He put his bow away and drew his sword, twirling it around in a flashy flourish that looked halfway awesome- that is, until he dropped it and almost took his own foot off. He quickly grabbed it, acting like nothing happened.

[[For now, it seems that the bandits have left, allowing our... heroes... to continue on.]]
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Lena wandered into the fog to retrieve her flung greatsword, finding it stuck in the female bandit who'd heckled them earlier. Sure enough, the enormous blade was jammed through the huge midriff gap in he impractical armor. It took some wiggling, but she eventually freed the sword along with half of the girl's torso, which was stuck on the end. Lena frowned, knowing she'd have to spend like an hour later dislodging bandit boob chunks. Fuck it, she was gonna start looting the bodies.

"You know, the armor might not have protected her at all, but at least it doesn't have to be repaired after you loot it."
 
RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"If you like it so much, take it," Míchon called out. He was busy looting the corpse of the bandits he'd killed. He only shot one fire arrow, but the burst of flames when it hit caused the death of three bandits. "Hey, this guy's got a good amount of gold on him."
 
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