Medieval Fun Time Land (Anyone can join)

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

[[The barkeep reached under the counter and pulled out two red potions, charging Lena 50 gold for them. A bit overpriced, as they were weak potions.]]

Míchon noticed Dmitrei enter the tavern area and stood up. "Milord, we are almost ready to go." He glanced at Lena's exposed body. "I, uh, think that we should stop and find Lena some new armor, though. Something with a little more protection."

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Some of the patrons in the bar looked over at the man that was called "Milord." A lord, sitting around in a low-end bar was unexpected. And kind of hilarious. While holding back laughter, the bar patrons stood up and bowed at his presence. Dmitrei, feeling rather frustrated, flipped them off.

"No kidding, look at her! What the hell did you do to the woman?" Dmitrei shook his head. "Ugh, you beasts and your sex. Stuff like this is why I say, 'no thanks, and fuck off' to it." For someone who was so beautiful and regal looking, he most definitely did not sound like it. Still, his voice was sexy, and any offense that most of the patrons had faded away.

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Lena took the reds and noticed immediately that they were watered down garbage. But when she was this hard up, anything would do. Of course, there was still one more matter to attend to before she could take them. She snatched up a discarded knife from someone's finished breakfast dishes and shoved the blade into her bicep, away from the vein where it wouldn't make much mess. Lena grunted but didn't cry out, instead popping the seals on the potions and gulping them both down together for a double dose. In seconds the wound in her arm had healed and the warmth of the healing magic spread through her limbs, clearing the fog from her head and making her feel elfin again.

"Oh my god," she said in a moment of sudden clarity. "My junk is out. I'm standing in the bar and my junk is out. Why did no one tell me about this?" She remembered the night before, how Dmitrei's voice had shattered her armored panties, and panicked, not knowing anything else to do but grab the barkeep's towel and wrap it around her waist. If she wasn't so skinny and small framed it wouldn't have fit, but as it was, the meager piece of cloth just barely covered the mess between her legs. Now that she'd had her morning dose, a whole list of concerns flooded through her mind like where would she get new armor, where was her client and, most importantly, where the hell was she going to get more reds?

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

A suitably dramatic lull came over the tavern, and in that moment, a woman, who had the unfortunate (but still kinda cool) name of Vivisection swung open the door. Most eyes turned on her, which made her feel rather nervous, but quickly turned away. She was decent looking, with a decent enough figure-- certainly a killer set of hips-- but her garb wasn't too alluring and she was by far too amazonian for most of the patrons' tastes. She strode on over to the bar with as much confidence as she could muster.

"I hear you sell healing potions here," she said.
"That's right," replied the barkeep, looking her over. "Sixty gold apiece."
"That so?" she said slyly,twirling a single, polished platinum coin between her knuckles. "I'd like to see one first. If you don't mind."
"Sure." The barkeep took out one of the red vials. The woman snatched it away from him, uncorked it, dipped her finger into it for a moment for a taste. The barkeep began to protest, but she silenced him with a shake of her head as she put corked the vial and put it back on the counter.
"Word around town is you have a taste for pretty young boys, barkeep."
Somewhat confused by her topic, he answered hesitantly, "And what if I do?"
"It's just, if you're gay, I would like to know. Why are you trying to fuck me?"
"Excuse me?"
"This potion is cut with holy water. It's disgusting. How can you actually sell this to people?"
"Look here missy, I think you'd best leave." He cast a glance at two brutish, but coordinated, looking orcish bouncers.
"If any of you want some real quality potion... some spell quality potions, have I got something for you." She held up a small jar of magenta-ish substance.
One of the orcs began to approach. She gave a sharp glance and held him at bay with her free hand to his swole pectoral.

♪duh nuh, duh nuh, duh nuh, duh nuh♪♫
"Monstrous invasions have ravaged the realm.
Healers flailed as the body count rose.
And then they made, a potion which granted...
The power of healing to average joes!
And you can fix up your bones... and your kidneys.
For every potion, an organ regrows...
But best you be diligent... with stocking your pockets
Cuz if you run out and you die, well that blows
♪♫ duh nuh, duh nuh, duh nuh, duh nuh ♪
"It's quick! It's clean! It's pure!
It will save your life, rest assured,
It's a brand new potion of... cure!
And it's my job... to HEY WAIT!"

"No singing in the tavern," growled the barkeep.
The orc grabbed her by the scruff of her neck while the other held the door open. As the bouncer dragged her over and threw her out she could be heard protesting,
"No, I thought this was a musica--ouf!"

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

[[The orc bouncer comes back in, dusting his hands off after throwing Vivisection out. He stares down any that even remotely look like they're going to start singing.]]

Standing in front of Dmitrei, Míchon only spared a glance at the random musical scene. He turned back to the barkeep. "Where is the nearest armory?" he asked. The burly man behind the counter pointed to the north, stating that such a place could be found on the outskirts of the town. Míchon thanked the man and approached Lena. "Come on, it's time to get you some new armor."

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Dmitrei simply shook his head and sighed. Surely they were not going to go all the way to that overpriced, rundown armory with the ripoff prices? After a little thought it did not matter. As long as the lord was rid of the freaks he was good.

"Oh, yes," he began his lie, "The northern armory is... Fantastic. You will definitely find some fashionable thongs there!" He forced himself to smile, but while his mouth grinned widely it did not reach his eyes.

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

The dark elf noticed Dmitrei's false smile and snorted in derision. "Bullshit." He stared the noble wood elf down. "You just want to get rid of us, don't you?" He snapped his right fingers, creating a little fireball in that hand. "There's no point in denying it, Mr. Nobleman."

[[One of the tavern's customers cries out in terror, flinging the contents of a tankard at Míchon, dousing him in not-so-fresh ale and effectively putting out the magic fire in his hand. Ssome of the ale splashes on to both Lena and Dmitrei, but the majority lands on Míchon.]]

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Dmitrei's smile faded at the sight of Michon's fireball. Fuck it, he was not doing himself any favors by trying to save face. He might as well come clean.

"Fine, you want the truth? You and that woman creep me the hell out. Even if I were more tolerant I'm broke!" He pointed at Lena, while staring down at Michon. "That woman there just paid 50 gold a piece for two potions. I would have to blow my overseer to afford that." He was admitting the very thing that was most uncomfortable to him, and at this point he was beyond caring about anything. He had that shitty contract that he had to make payment to today, he was stuck in the inn for the night last night, he barely got any sleep, these commoners viewed him as a walking ATM, he felt mocked when the patrons were bowing, he had to admit the most embarrassing thing ever, and now his only change of clothes smelled of ale. Fuck it. Fuck everything.

He turned away from Michon and announced to the whole bar: "That's right! I'm poor! I have less to my name than most of you dregs! Isn't that just fucking hilarious?"

The delicate-looking man in the regal green robes was now ranting like a lower class peasant who was wasted. Why care about how bad it would look? There were fewer things more pathetic than a lord who was financially clutched by the balls anyway.

"Isn't it funny? Am I not a laughing stock? How dare I carry anything less than a ton of gold?" He was maniacally sarcastic as he just finally let out all of his anger towards the root of his frustration- his financial problems. "I am just supposed to be ready to dole out the gold at any given time, right?" A wicked laugh escaped the man as he mentally broke down in his frustration. He grabbed a random human who was sitting at the bar counter by the collar and shook him violently. "Let's all fucking laugh at Dmitrei! Do it like you were when you were bowing!" Now, he was yelling. "Who the FUCK cares about Dmitrei's dignity anyway!"

The human had been shaken silly by the rabid man, but Dmitrei was not finished. As the patrons stared in confusion and fear, the nobleman dragged the human over to Michon and held the human in front of him, face to face.

"Laugh for the FUCKING DROW like a jolly bowing fella! It's nothing to throw fireballs about. Right? RIGHT?!"

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

[[The tavern patrons have all pulled away from Dmitrei, giving him a wide berth. Well, all except for the man he was holding hostage, who had fainted out of fear.]]

Míchon, drenched in stale ale and dripping, could only stare at the raging wood elf. "You... you're poor?" he asked, incredulous. "But..." he trailed off. The dark elf dug in his belt pouch and produced some gold coins, almost handing them to Dmitrei before thinking better of it and putting the coins away.

Completely changed by the revelation, Míchon said, "I'm sorry... I didn't know."

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Lena missed the whole rant from Dmitrei and the scene that followed, having run out the door hot on the heels of the mysterious girl whose potions had inspired a musical number and left her wanting to scream the word "graves" for some inexplicable reason. She found the girl face down and ass up in the trash bins outside, and helped her up to her feet whilst flashing most of the street with her inadequately covered hindquarters.

"Hey, bummer about the musical thing. You okay?"

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Dmitrei threw the human to the ground and glared at Michon. "Get out of my life." he spoke through gritted teeth. "Your lady friend has just run out anyway."

He pointed to the door with a slender finger, it seemed to belong on a woman's hand. " Don't let her get away. God knows what dysfunction you'll miss out on. The pair of you sure enjoyed whatever went on last night!"

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

[[A muffled voice emanates from the tavern, barely reaching the two ladies on the outside. The owner of the voice must be shouting fiercely. Lena's towel bursts into cloth confetti at the sound]]

"Oh what the hell is this?" she asked, completely frustrated by the repeated destruction of her undergarments. Thankfully there were only a couple people on the road this far out of the city.

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

[[Nevertheless, the people in the street gave Lena judgmental glares. One of them even got into enough of a huff to start running to grab the city watch.]]

Vivi looked up.

"Oh, y'know. I just... worked really hard on those lyrics and thought everyone would join in dancing, but I guess people around here don't know how to get dramatic."

She adjusted her position, but didn't bother climbing out of the trash bin. She rubbed her face and looked over the elf. She'd obviously seen better days. Perfect.

"So... anything else I can do for you today, Miss...?"

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"Um...Lena. Sorry about uh, this." She gestured to her obscene lower portions. "No idea why it keeps happening. If it's not too much to ask, do you have anything I could wrap around my waist so I don’t get arrested? "

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"Pleasure to meet you, Lena. You can call me Vivi."

She rummaged in her pack. "And I suppoooose. I got a spare sash here. You can kind at least wrap your nethers with it." She pulled out a teal-and-puce paisley length of cloth and handed it to Lena.

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Míchon glared at Dmitrei. "Good luck getting to Spinefang Doomvillage on your own," he hissed.

He placed a few coins on the bar counter as payment for the room, then exited the tavern to find Lena standing with the woman who'd been forcibly chucked out by an orc. He took Lena by the arm. "Come on, we need ro get you some new armor. Hopefully something that won't desintigrate at the slightest disturbance."

On the road leading north, he suddenly paused. "Oh, yeah... Lena, you're supposed to kick my ass or something? You told me to remind you in the morning, and I think that's what you said."

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"Yeah yeah, I'll kick it in a minute," Lena grumbled, trying to figure out how to tie the sash to comply with public nudity laws. Once it was on she just barely managed to be barely legal, barely, but she was still an absolute mess from the night before and the blood stains on her thighs were visible to everyone. "Hey," she said to the girl in the trash bin. "You said something inside about potions? Really good ones?"

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Vivi climbed out of the garbage and began picking bits of muck off of herself.

"Right. The potions. I take it you're something of a healing aficionado." She took out the magenta-filled jar. "It's a new concoction a few of my associates and I invented. Much more powerful than run-of-the-mill potions. It's particularly tailored for... recreational... use."

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Míchon rolled his eyes. "Great... just what we need..." he muttered. He brushed his white hair back with his fingers. "Can we please get going now? We've got a quest to finish, and, in case you've forgotten, you need some armor. And a weapon or two."

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Lena turned and snapped at Michon, "Will you shut up," punctuating each word with frantic swats of her hands around his head and shoulders. "Waiting for me to get my reds is the least you can do after last night, you jerk!" Giving him one more smack for good measure, she turned back to the garbage girl and sighed. Bending down, she looked at the thick, syrupy liquid inside the bottle. Her mouth watered instantly, her expert eye affirming that this was indeed some really good shit. "H-how much?" she asked, dreading the damage to her depleted coin purse but looking forward to the week-long orgasm that the flask would likely inspire.

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Míchon took the hits like they were nothing, but he too examined the purple liquid. "You said this was a healing potion?" he asked. "I've never seen this color before, just red and blue ones." His gold eyes met Vivi's. "And yeah, you could say she's a health aficionado."

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

"Hmhm. This is a new kind of brew. Instead of ingesting the potion, you apply it directing to the wound." She opened the jar, took out a knife and began smearing the jelly onto it. "So if you cover the knife like this, you can cut and heal at the same time. The high is intense at first, and then fades a bit, so you can use it to give yourself a low-level glow for a few hours or you can keep cutting yourself to keep the high going."

She held out the knife to Lena. "The first taste is free."

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Lena took the knife and hesitated for just a moment. Anyone else might have balked at the idea, but Lena had been cutting herself just for the healing high for over a year now. She tensed against the initial pain and plunged the knife an inch into her left breast. The heal was immediate, no blood at all issuing from the wound. In fact the knife looked rather out of place like a bad stage prop. The high spiked right away, radiating out intensely from the point of injury rather than the subtle full body high she got from drinking a normal red. Her mouth hung open as she panted breathlessly. This really was good stuff. More of the sticky liquid coated the rest of the blade, so with a whimper she pushed it the rest of the way in until the metal tip emerged from beneath her breast.

"Oh gods...oh my fucking gods someone please fuck me." She doubled over shaking, the knife falling out of her and tumbling to the ground. "I mean it, please somebody oh gods nevermind." She gasped and made the derpiest face imaginable as an incredible orgasm assaulted her. Sheay or may not have8 even peed a little.

[[Don't let her fool you, she definitely peed herself in a most undignified fashion]]

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Míchon watched in amazement and slight horror as Lena stabbed herself. The dark elf's jaw dropped when she began ranting, then peed herself. He took a small step back. "Uh... I hate to interrupt the high here, but you really do need some new, if not just some clean, clothes..." He turned to Vivi. "Is it supposed to make her do that?!?"

RE: Medieval Fun Time Land (the musical)

Vivi took out a piece of parchment and a quill and began taking notes.

"Uh huh... everything looking good. Not sure if orgasmic effects are normal of if you're just a freak. Making note for applications as a potential aphrodisiac..." For a fleeting moment she thought about taking advantage of the situation, but thought better of it. Who knows where this light-elf-trash had been? "A bit of incontinence it seems... well, it's a pity but unexpected. You feeling anything else? Any sudden burning or prickling? Dear gods hopefully you won't crash like the last guy... that was terrible."

It was the best part about humanoid testing. You were always able to find new guinea pigs and you didn't really have to feel bad about it later.